Carnegie Mellon Supplement Essay: Why did I chose Carnegie Mellon?

<p>Innovative, ideal, and beautiful, Carnegie Mellon University attains a multitude of components that are categorically suited for students like myself, striving to pursue a profession in the entertainment industry. Carnegie Mellon initially allured my attention from it’s prominent history of accomplishments and praises as an entire institution, in a technologically sound campus teaming with life, diversity, and possibility. During in-depth college research, I discovered it withheld a plethora of opportunities for myself, if I applied and auditioned as an undergraduate B.F.A in music theatre. Carnegie Mellon set the standard for my personal requirements when I came across the School of Drama in the College of Fine Arts, and no alternate program has surpassed my liking since. I strive to excel in the entertainment industry, and it’s to my full belief that Carnegie Mellon’s School of Drama is the ultimate choice to guide me on that journey. They have succeeded with a long list of talented alumni that I thoroughly admire, one of the many being Christian Borle. An opportunity to study and perform in Carnegie Mellon University’s excellent and renowned music theatre program would provide an incredible advantage to my studies.</p>

<pre><code>I fell a victim to the arts at a young age, aspiring to become like the performers that gave life to the musicals I would watch on repeat. When I entered high school drama, those aspirations felt realistic, they felt tangible. Now, theatre is something I want to call home. I had decided to major in musical theatre, utterly willing to undertake the extra amount of preparation and readiness when it came down to applying and auditioning for schools, in order to pursue what is dearest to me. Four years and a bachelor degree in music theatre at Carnegie Mellon would give me the essential training and experience to make it in this industry. Once I receive a college diploma for a B. F. A. in music theatre, my first initiative is to find work. I hope to prove the skills I have gathered from my colligate years in auditions for tours, and possibly even Broadway shows.

The College of Fine Arts appears to be an all-encompassing sanctuary for the creative and innovate minds, and I would absolutely love to be apart of such a group of intellectual, cultured, and experienced individuals. Carnegie Mellon’s drama program predominately shines brighter in my eyes due to it’s one hundred years of history as being the first university affiliated conservatory in the nation, which gave it time to become abundant with a substantially knowledgeable staff, pristine facilities, and an intense music theatre course study. Two close friends of mine currently attend Carnegie Mellon that major in Physics and Mechanical Engineering. The Physics major participates in tech, mentioning numerous times that Carnegie Mellon is the ultimate institution to get a education in the fine arts. Just recently, I spent a day on campus with the student that is enrolled in the engineering department, and was thoroughly impressed by the integration of the students, despite what major they were.

Carnegie Mellon University is the epicenter of my music theatre education. This school will bring forth countless opportunities to further my skills as a thespian, and expand my knowledge horizons with their immaculate programs to suffice all of my scholastic needs. The welcoming atmosphere, excellence, diverse student body, integrated majors, technological feats, and drama oriented music theatre program are prominent distinguishing traits as to why no other University could compare to Carnegie Mellon’s aptitude.
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<p>I think this is excellent - you’ve shown admissions why you chose Carnegie Mellon. The only thing I suggest is to add a paragraph showing how you would contribute/bring value to its campus.</p>

<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck!</p>

<p>@lifeincolor‌ how’d you do with your CMU application?</p>

<p>imo your vocabulary is pretentious, and you use a lot of filler words/transitions that demonstrate a strained, overbearing, ineffective attempt to sound eloquent. </p>

<p>Your essay will not be impressive to admissions officers, in my opinion. </p>

<p>(this is only if you still haven’t sent in your application, if you have then pretend that I said it was perfect)</p>

<p>I agree, the way you use your vocabulary comes across as pretentious. The first paragraph is your biggest offender and you could do without the “predominately” that’s thrown in before the “shines brighter” in the second paragraph. To improve the overall flow of your essay I would also alter some of the unnatural wording that clutters your first paragraph. It’s perfectly fine to have an extensive vocabulary, but trying to squeeze in every impressive word that you know actually leaves you with a more immature piece of writing.</p>

I don’t think I used a lot of filler words. I think it’s mildly assertive in an attempt to demonstrate my determination for how badly I want the school to be apart of my music theatre education. Do you think it’s that bad???

Look up the differences between its and it’s.

I know, amateur mistake. yuck.

Do you think they’ll trash it?

I don’t think they’ll trash it. The contrast between “from it’s prominent history”-type errors (and some other grammatical things) and the inflated vocabulary is surprising and maybe somewhat disappointing, were I an admissions officer, but I doubt this essay will keep you out. If you get rejected, I don’t think this will be why. Only so many seats for lots of qualified candidates.

In the future, check your essays a lot more carefully before sending them – take every precaution against seeming like you don’t care about how you present yourself.

I just auditioned the past Saturday! It went relatively well. I will find out in March if I get accepted. It’s a long shot, definitely, but I think I did my best :slight_smile:
Thanks for your feed back bodangles.

In your field the audition will be MOST of the decision, not the essay, so don’t spend any time worrying about it.

But for those others reading this and wondering what the issues are, here are some cautionary things to look for:

  1. The essay talks too much about CMU and not enough about you and why it would be a good fit for YOU.
  2. The errors in the essay are distracting. Do you really want to be "apart" from the group at CMU? So you DON'T want to go there? Also, there are grammar errors: "its" vs "it's," "that" vs "who," etc. You should have had someone who knows these things proof this essay for you.
  3. I have a list of "eye-rolling" words, and you've managed to hit them all: "I aspire," "a plethora," etc. The most important thing in an essay is that it be in your "voice," using words you would use in your conversation with others. Would you really talk the way this is written? No. Instead of "I aspire," say "I want," etc. etc.

These are the three biggest items, but again, the audition is everything.

<<btw, i="" was="" on="" staff="" at="" cmu="" (research,="" not="" faculty)="" in="" the="" comp.="" sci.="" dept.,="" but="" that="" years="" ago.="" even="" back="" then="" it="" a="" difficult="" place="" to="" get="" into.="" used="" sometimes="" watch="" some="" of="" auditions="" for="" creative="" side="" and="" overwhelmed="" by="" talent="" applicants.="">></btw,>

An essay should not be a place for way too big words and awkward phrasing.

Some examples that rolled my eyes:

  • Carnegie Mellon University attains a multitude of components that are categorically suited for students like myself
  • Carnegie Mellon initially "allured my attention" from it’s prominent history of accomplishments and praises as an entire institution,
     so you are saying CMU allured you away from something else?
    
  • gave life to the musicals I would watch on repeat.

Is repeat a new cable network?

  • their immaculate programs to suffice all of my scholastic needs.

    I never knew programs could be “Immaculate” and I would hope you would want way more than just to “suffice” your needs.