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<p>True- but she humiliated herself, not the other parties. Stanford comes out smelling like a rose, and the daughter looks mature and restrained.</p>
<p>Mrs. Morin, trust your daughter. Why are you so desperately upset about her living with two men (one who doesn’t drink and one who is of age given that he is a senior in college)?
“Stanford and many other colleges and universities do not respect their common-sense values. The university seeks to undermine those values.” Stanford doesn’t need to notify the parents. Your daughter is an adult in her twenties. She should be allowed to room with whomever she likes. It sounds like she had a good head on her shoulders. Don’t punish her or ruin her academic career. My dad’s father stopped paying for my dad’s schooling because he didn’t agree with his liberal standing. Yes, my father grew from having to work two jobs on top of school to finish off his academic career, but he also broke off ties with his parents for several years, and I still have a dislike for my grandfather because he was so narrow-minded and basically just a big *******.</p>
<p>If you want to blame Standford so badly then blame the school, not your daughter. It’s not her fault. You’re making your own daughter seem like the problem. I really disagree with your logic.</p>
<p>The NRO article is a perfect example of an ideologue ignoring the facts to make a point. Shame on the publication for letting her get away with that. The university did NOTHING to force a student into an uncomfortable living situation, and in fact, offered her daughter the option to switch rooms when her family voiced objections. Interesting how these facts were conveniently left out of the piece. Good for the writer’s daughter for exposing the truth—Mrs. Morin should be proud of raising a kid who stands up for what she believes.</p>
<p>It seems to be that the mother used the school to punish her D. I wonder if she ever heard the saying" don’t air your dirty laundry".</p>
<p>Sorry, I’m with the mother on this one, generally speaking. I think that the parents of a college student do have a reasonable expectation of knowing what the array of housing options is. If the information available to parents says that some dorms are co-ed by floor and others within floors, it would be reasonable to believe that the full extent of gender neutrality is covered by that statement. Otherwise, I think it is misleading. If further inspection turns up a Gender Neutral Housing Policy, which states that the pilot program will be available in four dorms, it does give a parent the impression that it is not offered in the dorms that are not listed. </p>
<p>The question of the status of the co-ops comes up at this point. Perhaps the co-ops have had Gender Neutral Housing for a long time, and are not covered at all by the “dorm” list that Stanford has. The promise of a “separate private sleeping space” when there is Gender Neutral Housing in the dorms does not seem to hold at the co-op. I think that Stanford ought to acknowledge this, if the housing is treated as a university dorm in some regards. If it is separately owned and operated, that would be different.</p>
<p>When the university does not give the parents a “heads up” about the dorm arrangements, and the parents don’t imagine arrangements that would have been impossible in their college years, it deprives the family of the opportunity to discuss arrangements ahead of time–and perhaps for the daughter to persuade the parents that it’s acceptable. </p>
<p>If some part of the college living arrangement is outside standard expectations, it ought to be stated explicitly by the college.</p>
<p>QuantMech,
When my son was a freshman at Stanford 6 years ago, we got a mailing from the university that stated very clearly that Stanford treats its students as adults, and does not discuss any student issues with parents. All communication from that point on was with the student, and it was up to the student to communicate whatever he/she deemed appropriate to the parents. This included tuition bills, btw (which I found annoying, since it made keeping payments in order more complicated for us).</p>
<p>I know that some parents demanded to see their students grades, and had a cut-off GPA as a condition for tuition pay. But that was between the parents and the students to negotiate.</p>
<p>I can see that parents of freshmen can get upset over lack of communication from the university if they use HS as a model for “how things work”. But parents of a 22 years old senior?? Please!</p>
<p>I just don’t get the daughter. You would think she would be grateful her parents were willing to pay for her schooling. I mean, Stanford’s not exactly cheap…</p>
<p>nngmm, I guess I see it differently. When a university is posting its housing policies, or putting them in a book for parents, I think there’s a reasonable expectation that the published policies reflect the actual situation, in toto. If Stanford said nothing at all about housing, co-ed or otherwise, it would be different, in my opinion–although even there, I think there is a reasonable expectation that the existence of various living options would be noted, if a “reasonable person” would probably not anticipate the full range of options. The university could still respect student privacy by not informing the parents of the students’ choices.</p>
<p>nngmm, (I hope I’m pronouncing it right); I think that being a 22 year old senior whose Mom and Dad are paying for her situation does not qualify her as a full-fledged adult. I also suspect that her parents would pay a great deal more, if they could protect their daughter from the “adults” who engineer these social experiments at many of our nation’s colleges. The tuition and fees are the only contact some administrators have with reality. That’s why parents sometimes are forced to use money as a weapon. I suspect that it hurts the parents, much more than it does anyone else involved, to have to resort to such tactics.<br>
If Stanford wants to play Pied Piper with the young adults entrusted to its care, perhaps it should consider picking up the tuition and living expenses as well. Disarm the uncool parents once and for all. I know California is hard up for money. Perhaps Howard Stern, or Hugh Hefner could help out?</p>
<p>I don’t think that a 22 years old woman is not an adult just because her parents are sponsoring her education. Are Law students or Med School students who’s parents help to pay the bills also not “full-fledged adults”?<br>
When parents are choosing to help their adult children financially, they should realize that the time to “raise” their children is over. They should not expect this to work as obedience training.</p>
<p>I agree that the parents can demand that their money is not spent the way they not approve of - that is between them and their children to discuss and agree upon.</p>
<p>It seems that the only acceptable involvement parents are supposed to have in our college students’ lives is to pay their very hefty bill for tuition and room and board–no questions asked. We don’t need to be informed of their academic progress, we aren’t supposed to ask who they’re living with and where, and the college can’t even tell us if they’re sick and with what. Knowing these things is not the same as interfering in the kid’s life. It’s the equivalent of wanting to see a company’s financial statement before buying $50,000 worth of their stock. Who would turn over a sum like that to anyone without first ascertaing basic facts about who’s managing the money and how?</p>
<p>TheGFG – we don’t “own” our children and while we may subsidize them, they are not an investment. As parents we can set limits and conditions on what we will contribute, but it is far more sensible to set those clearly in advance. My daughter wanted to move off campus to live with 2 men after her first year of college because she didn’t like dorm living. I told her I wouldn’t pay. It had nothing to do with the prospect of male roommates – knowing my daughter, the guys were probably gay – but her college financial aid department will not subsidized off campus living. If she had moved off campus it would have meant a loss of at least $10K from her grant, and I told her she’d have to come up with that on her own. Needless to stay, she remained on campus.</p>
<p>But that summer, she did share an apartment with her boyfriend - and 2 other guys as well. She had come home to take an internship in the city, and she paid for her living expenses on her own. </p>
<p>I don’t want to subsidize my daughter living with her bf, but for reasons that have nothing to do with morality - I just figure that a couple living together should be able to pay their own way. In any case, my daughter has paid her own living expenses every summer since she started college, so it isn’t an issue. </p>
<p>There’s a point where you have to respect and trust the decisions that adult offspring make – and be willing to let go if they do things you don’t approve of. That doesn’t mean you have to pay for them – but rather than engaging in histrionics the mom who wrote the NRO article could have simply told her daughter that she was not willing to pay the housing cost if her daughter was sharing a room with guys, and let the daughter figure things out from there. (My experience has been that when say to my kids, “I won’t pay for that” – they are quite able to pay for whatever they want on their own).</p>
<p>Of course, that wouldn’t have made for much of a an article. Had the mom done that, there could only have been 2 possible outcomes – either the daughter would have arranged a room change on her own to keep the money flowing, or the daughter would have accepted the decision and moved on.</p>
<p>Stanford has had co-ed housing since the 1960’s- however- I do not know how old the mother in question is- or when Harvard or Yale obtained co-ed housing.</p>
<p>As young ( and older) people have testified- co-ed housing is an opportunity to relate to others on deeper level than through sexual attraction.
But that isn’t for everyone- good thing there are choices.</p>
<p>The daughter speaks:</p>
<p>[A</a> Daughter Responds to a Mother’s Anger Over a Co-Ed Dorm Room - The Choice Blog - NYTimes.com](<a href=“http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/06/a-daughter-responds/]A”>A Daughter Responds to a Mother's Anger Over a Co-Ed Dorm Room - The New York Times)</p>
<p>Because of privacy laws, universities and professors are just flat out not allowed to tell you about what your student is doing. Once they’re 18, they’re legally adults, and they have a right to privacy just as you have a right to your own privacy.</p>
<p>It’s your choice to fund your student’s education. If you need more information on what your student’s doing, that information needs to come directly from the student. It’s just straight-up what the law says you have to do. If your student isn’t going to tell you the whole story, then you need to take that up with them-- if they don’t have the courtesy to inform you of their choices when they’re receiving such and incredible monetary gift from you, then something’s wrong with their relationship with you, not your relationship with the university. Legally, the university probably doesn’t even factor into any of this…</p>
<p>Well said, aibarr!</p>
<p>aibarr: beautifully put.</p>
<p>I agree too, aibarr. Although Stanford probably has no legal issues here(parents are trying to say they paid the housing costs, there was a housing contract plus misleading information as to the nature of that housing choice) they do market to prospective parents and accept tuition and room and board money from parents, so these schools walk a fine line as relates to public relations, sometimes. The school did announce they would correct the website.</p>
<p>I do have to wonder if the timing of all of this (last semester senior year) was a coincidence or if it corresponded to the D calculating that she didn’t have too much to lose by then. Again, if true that would say more about the nature of the relationship between parents and D, than anything else. Personally, I can’t see myself on either end of this - as either the college student with just ONE more semester to go (or wanting to live in a quad or with strange men!) or the mother involving the press, which was over the top, IMO.</p>
<p>I do not anticipate any problems of this nature with any of my children. Certainly my college S has been very open about his academic progress, living arrangements, etc. However, there are plenty of parents whose children may not be so responsible, mature, or forthcoming. While this may or may not be the fault of their parenting, I can certainly understand why some parents would like or need information about their children. Of course I’m aware that colleges are restricted by privacy laws, but I don’t agree fully with these laws when we’re talking about legal dependents. </p>
<p>No, children are not an investment, but their education is. If for some reason my child is not doing well, then I feel I should be informed because the child is my dependent and I am financially responsible for him. He is still on my health insurance, auto insurance, and is eating and rooming courtesy of me. Therefore, if I see that he is not taking advantage of the opportunities I’m paying for, then perhaps there’s a better option for him, such as a more suitable college, a job, or a hospital or rehab facility if he’s physically or mentally ill or addicted, or what have you. In an ideal world, a parent will find out what’s what sooner rather than later. But I know seemingly model parents who have been duped and taken for a ride. In one case the parents didn’t know for a very long time that the child had quit school, and yet they were still paying as though she were enrolled.</p>
<p>S1 signed some kind of form that gave permission to the University to contact us, send us his grades, etc. I am sure most colleges have this available, it was in his orientation packet.</p>