CC and privacy

Parent Cafe
21

<p>Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful replies.</p>

<p>One other thread that really bothered me comes to mind. A few weeks or maybe months ago, a student (not a parent) posted to either the parents’ forum or cafe (I forget which) about a situation in which his mother had seemed to threaten him with a knife during an argument about school loans.</p>

<p>Did we know if the student was over 21? Sure, he posted voluntarily, but still. There were many, many responses – some were quite negative, pointing out to the OP that he was asking a lot of his parents while not working, etc.</p>

<p>There were also many thoughtful, caring responses to this young man. But in retrospect, it seems to me the only appropriate response would have been to say, “We don’t know you or your mom and cannot judge what is going on here. Do not divulge info like this on a public forum. Run – do not walk – to a trusted friend, relative, clergyman, or teacher in real life and talk this through with them.”</p>

<p>CC is a wonderful place, with incredibly smart, caring, funny people. I just think I may have to stay away from the cafe and other personal threads for awhile.</p>

22

<p>There’s online privacy, and then there’s online privacy. </p>

<p>I’ve never been into the whole “keep your identity secret” thing. In fact, I would venture so far to say that youths value an identity. It’s just keeping your identity from the wrong people.</p>

23

<p>I have posted info about my kids without thinking about it; later I realized that they would probably be angry with me if they knew I had posted it. I also realized that I was not nearly as anonymous as I thought when I found out 2 posters were going to be living on my son’s hall last year! Then I felt bad that I had posted about his college search, and they may have seen it before meeting him. I didn’t post anything bad, but I felt like it he should have had the right to come to college with a clean slate, and reveal what he wanted about himself when he wanted to.</p>

24

<p>The ability of posters to research all of others’ previously expressed thoughts and opinions is also a bit dangerous. While it can certainly catch ■■■■■■ and people who are deliberately being deceitful, it can also be hurtful. We’ve all seen posters slam other posters for inconsistencies in what they’ve said. This research isn’t possible with an in-person friendship, and therefore friends may give each other the grace to change our minds and be humanly inconsistent. My D laughs at me because every week I have a different idea about which college might be best for her. Consequently, one day I could post on here that I think College X doesn’t suit her, and by the next I could have read something new on CC or elsewhere and changed my mind. I’m the kind of person who thinks by talking; talking or writing is how I best process ideas. Sometimes I worry that this could cause me to be misjudged if real people in my life were to read my posts.</p>

25

<p>My parents were journalists and they taught me never to say anything anywhere in a public forum or in writing “unless you’re prepared to see it on the front page of the local newspaper… and above the fold.”</p>

<p>(This is a lesson that some of our politicos would do well to remember.)</p>

<p>CC is the only forum in which I participate that does NOT require fully signed posts. My daughter and son know my on-line ID and in fact I occasionally hear from them with corrections to my posts. </p>

<p>EK4’s daughter and my daughter, many years ago, realized that their respective moms were online acquaintances–and were jointly amused. </p>

<p>Nothing is as private as you think it is. Unless you think it (not say it) alone, behind locked doors.</p>

26

<p>^^It’s the worst when people judge the type of person you are because of one thread where things got heated. (Speaking from experience)</p>

27

<p>I have made a number of “real life” friends with people I originally met online in another Internet forum I’ve belonged to for the last five years – probably because many of the members live in the New York metropolitan area, and all of us share an interest, directly or through a family member, in certain topics. I use my real name, and my son’s, on that forum – in fact, he’s met a number of the people on it himself, through me. But that forum is private, in the sense that one has to be a member in order to have access to the posts. Still, it isn’t exactly difficult to join, and sometimes I do wonder if I’m too open about my thoughts, feelings, and problems. In five years, though, I’ve never had a single problem, or real life repercussion, resulting from any information I’ve posted.</p>

<p>Even here, given that I do use my real first name and that I’ve mentioned my profession, the city I work in, and my educational background, I’m sure that anyone who really wanted to could figure out who I am, and who my son is. But there’s really nothing I’ve posted here that I would be the least bit embarrassed to have generally known about myself. So I don’t worry too much.</p>

28

<p>I have commented on this issue several times before. Because regular posters are trying to offer up helpful advice the more specificity offered the better the advice is. However feelings about privacy are a very individual matter. </p>

<p>I have preferred to error on the side of more specificity and it is entirely possible that someone could mine my posts and ultimately identify me. That does not bother me but it could bother others greatly.</p>

29

<p>I was thinking recently about how our kids’ real names are on their facebook profiles, there for anyone to see (the name, a snapshot, and the fact that they have a facebook profile - of course not everyone can see their facebook material).</p>

<p>I agree with originaloog, posted above. I have tried to be as anonymous as anyone on here but I think that if someone went through all of my posts, they could probably figure out who I am. That’s okay. I haven’t posted anything I would call highly personal or extremely embarrassing. If someone wants to invest the time and energy to figure out “Who is this person?”, fine.</p>

<p>I never expected to enjoy “talking” to you all as much as I do. This group is like an extra group of friends… Casual friends I like really like. And a great support group for my first child off-to-college “I miss my daughter!” blues.</p>

30

<p>Someone on a forum once went through the trouble of hiring a private detective to find useful stuff to argue with me over. No big deal to me. The guy is paranoid about his own online security. We get along fine these days when we stick to the topic of the board.</p>

31

<p>“^^It’s the worst when people judge the type of person you are because of one thread where things got heated. (Speaking from experience)”</p>

<p>I agree. Some CC’ers seem to try to hunt your posts down and discredit what you say while you are just offering advice or an experience to the OP, not them. I find a lot of snarky comment here in a lot of the threads. Usually the same people. It is sometimes hard to restrain from getting in a banter with another poster over some really obnoxious comment and behavior.</p>

<p>So, it has taught me a lesson, and that is to keep things less personal and more on topic.</p>

32

<p>I would like to bring up another issue. I have problems with the fact that some posters here post information about other people without their consent. </p>

<p>There is one poster who posted information about a conversation with a friend of her D’s. I don’t know the poster or her D, but I immediately recognized the friend. I don’t think he would like the fact that I knew the information she posted about him. I didn’t respond at all to the posts, so neither the poster nor the friend know that I recognized him. However, I did think it was unfair of the poster to reveal personal information about someone else’s S or D. The post wasn’t critical–the poster obviously likes the young man. It just contained some information about him that I doubt she would have posted if she realized that another poster knows him. </p>

<p>So, while I think we are all adults and able to decide how much/little information to reveal about ourselves, I think we should be careful about the kinds of information we post about others, especially other people’s Ss and Ds. For example, there have been several threads about problem roommates with identifying information about the roommates. </p>

<p>Some of you may be aware of the legal action involving posts on another message board. Now, the moderation policy would not allow similar posts here. However, it should be a reminder that nothing one posts is guaranteed anonymity.</p>

33

<p>great honest questions, db. There is a whole lot to say on this subject, but I did not want to expose myself here :)</p>

<p>Seriously, as a person who has communicated with dbwes, I 'd like to weigh in and say I have appreciated the exchanges we have had. While technically we may have been ‘strangers’, and not even on each others christmas list - where, ironically, the communication between ‘close’ family and friends is many times limited to signing a name on a card once a year - our estrangement is surely mitigated by a common, and important, plight - looking for the right college for our kids.</p>

<p>dbwes,</p>

<p>– don’t be a stranger! :)</p>

34

<p>It is easy to fall into feeling we are all anonymous, but in my first year on the PR board I recognised one of my DDs classmates: it was both the info and the use of him unusual middle name which allowed for the recognition. I felt like a voyeur reading anything he wrote so I went off the board for a few weeks and then returned being sure to avoid anything he wrote, just too much information.</p>

<p>I also began changing small details when giving examples in order to not be too recognizable, but I could not keep track of that, I am not any good at making up a story and keeping it straight, so it i better to merely be me and try not to post anything I would later regret.</p>

<p>I am certain some one reading my various posts could figure out who my DD is between the school and the sport, etc. Luckily DD knows I post and even provides info for the areas where she is an expert ;)</p>

35

<p>“Some of you may be aware of the legal action involving posts on another message board.”</p>

<p>What happened? You don’t need to name the site. I’m curious about what led to the legal action.</p>

36

<p>Interesting article…nasty stuff.
“The trend has even spawned a new service, ReputationDefender, whose mission is to search for damaging content online and destroy it on behalf of clients. Generally, the law exempts site operators from liability for the content posted by others, though it does not prevent them from removing offensive items”.
[Harsh</a> Words Die Hard on the Web - washingtonpost.com](<a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/06/AR2007030602705.html]Harsh”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/06/AR2007030602705.html)</p>

37

<p>Dbwes, two comments. First, I agree with dmd77 (Post #25). Don’t type anything that you wouldn’t want someone in China (or anywhere else in the world) to read. I started participating in chat rooms back when we had to pay by the minute on AOL. It was a real novelty back then, and the discussions were fast, furious, and unmoderated. I was mostly a lurker, which was generally looked down upon because the whole idea was to contribute something to this new medium called the Internet. </p>

<p>Last year, my husband, an Internet super-sleuth, was able to retrieve some of his early live discussions about computers in the classroom. At the time, he was an Apple developer, and we went on to teach Hypercard to third, fourth, and fifth graders. So, this would have been late Eighties through the early Nineties. These discussions were stored in archives, and he was able to dig them up. They were entertaining to read because it shows how far the technology has come, and also, how the culture of the Internet has evolved.</p>

<p>Secondly, I consider message boards to be old-timey versions of what are now fully developed and highly functional social networks. There is a lot more security available now than there used to be, but you have to be diligent about keeping up with it. Most people aren’t up on all of the privacy tools that are available to account holders on social networking sites, and sometimes, the information is hard to find. That info is usually stored under “My account,” or in top or bottom menu bars. </p>

<p>I think that the degree of privacy that one wants is really a personal choice, though. Social networking sites like MySpace and facebook used to be an almost exclusive domain of the young, mostly high school and college-age users. It was only a matter of time before business and family/personal use caught up, and these sites naturally opened up to a wider audience. It seems like, now, h/s & college-age users are dropping off of these sites because they are starting to realize how invasive and time-consuming they can be. Personal profiles have to be maintained on a regular basis, particularly when it comes to posting photos. My nephew kept getting tagged in party photos, and he finally had to ask everyone not to tag him. </p>

<p>I think that this issue of privacy is evolving with the technology and with the culture. I have an aunt who is still afraid to use YouTube because she has it confused with MySpace. Otoh, I was able to reconnect with two long-lost family members this year because one of them regularly googles himself. ;)</p>

38

<p>NSM, if you click post # 36, you’ll learn some of the basic facts. The young women brought an action against the “John Does” who defamed them. The judge allowed them to use subpoenas to get the names of those who posted about them, when technology made that possible. Here’s an update about that suit. </p>

<p>[Yale</a> Daily News - Law students reveal identity of ********* defendant in new complaint](<a href=“http://www.yaledailynews.com/articles/view/24844]Yale”>http://www.yaledailynews.com/articles/view/24844)</p>

<p>However, the law student who helped run the site was dropped as a defendant. He is now suing the counsel for the women who brought the suit above, alleging that they knew he had no responsibility for the posts by others and that the claim against him was therefore in bad faith. When his name became public, the law firm which had offered him a permanent job following graduation canceled the offer after he accepted it. </p>

<p>That’s simplified, but the gist of it. The cases are interesting because they are making new law on the issue of when someone is entitled to learn the identity of someone who posted nasty remarks about them anonymously.</p>