We are honored to have received an invitation to a Chabad wedding. We are Christian, DH has previously attended a Chabad wedding (co-worker), but I have not. I know there is much segregation of the sexes - does anyone know if DH and I would be separated for the dinner following Chupah? I could handle the pre-service reception and ceremony being by myself, but dinner if I am seated at a women’s table where I know no one might become very long. Also, does anyone know about hair for me? Would I be expected to have some kind of cover? I think I know the kind of clothing that would be appropriate, but if anyone has specific help or advice on this or other matters, I would be grateful.
I have attended Conservative weddings, but I know this will be quite different. DH will be able to ask his co-worker for some “pointers”, but I thought I’d do broad research as well!
You should ask your co-worker about the seating arrangements for the dinner. I have been to Chabadnick bar mitzvot and weddings and the seating arrangements varied. Although there is always separation during the service, at some there were men and women’s tables separately at the party and others were mixed. Even if the seating is mixed, it is highly likely that the dancing will be gender specific.
In general, married women cover their hair. Since you are not Jewish, this wouldn’t be expected of you. Many synagogues provide lace or net head “covers” which you can put on your head with bobby pins or you can bring a covering or wear a hat. I know you said you know the type of clothing, but you should not wear a pants suit and should wear a dress or skirt that covers your knees and elbows. Short sleeves are ok, but sleeveless is not suggested unless you have a jacket or other covering and, of course, cleavage should not be exposed.
Thank you for asking. So often, I see people go into houses of worship dressed inappropriately and even though I am not religious, it makes me crazy. When I used to take my MIL to church (Roman Catholic), I always wore a skirt or dress. I could not believe that people actually went to Mass in cut off jeans and tank tops or wife beaters!
I agree, ask. I have been to a Chabad wedding at which men and women were mixed during the outside part (which included the ceremony in this case—too big to separate folks in the very back outside) but were kept apart for the dinner and post dinner dancing. I was seated with women I didn’t know and had to make conversation.
I dressed conservatively but didn’t cover my hair. I am Reform.
I was invited to one orthodox wedding of a co-worker - I didn’t realize that my invitation was limited to the ceremony and I was not invited to the reception (dinner). So verify what your invitation is for.
(That night was a disaster, we got stuck in terrible traffic, it was pouring rain, and we got lost. It took us so long to get there, that by the time we arrived, the ceremony was over and we had to turn around and drive right back home. I remember we were starving and stopped at the nearest diner to eat.)
I turn down invitations that are only for the ceremony unless it is a general invitation extended to every member of the temple in which case I attend only if I know and like the family involved. I know that the Orthodox consider attending the wedding to be a mitzvah but if I have to give a gift, I want a choice of whether or not I am going to the party as well. As a consolation, the diner food was probably better than most kosher catering.
Thank you all for your help. It is very much appreciated. The invitation explicitly lists Kabolas Ponim, Chupah and dinner following Chupah with all the times given. Am I correct that I don’t need to be there right at the start of Kabolas Ponim, that it is a pre-Chupah reception? Since I will not know anyone, I think I’d prefer to not just stand around too long, but I don’t want to be unintentionally impolite or disrespectful of the customs.
I am thinking that my invite probably only said Chupah and a time. (I think it was written in both Hebrew and English). Unfortunately this was 1980 and I had no internet or College Confidential to tell me that this was only the ceremony. Although I always blamed my other Orthodox co-workers for not enlightening me. Coming from a Brooklyn Italian neighborhood, I wouldn’t have known.
This was in stark contrast to the wedding of a Chinese co-worker (in the same office) which took place in a restaurant in NYC Chinatown. All of us co-workers were seated up front near the bride and groom and treated like royalty. They kept repeating things in English just for the few of us (I assumed the families all spoke Chinese.) It was the traditional multi-course Chinese feast with birds nest soup etc.
@kiddie, yes - isn’t CC and the internet a great help in so many ways! I do appreciate everyone’s comments. I wanted to do some research before asking specific questions of DH’s co-worker. Since the co-worker is a guy, I’m sure there are some things that are important to me as a female guest that he wouldn’t even think of.
The wedding I went to had all those times stated, too. I think I skipped the pre nuptials part, because I wouldn’t know anyone, but was kind of sorry I did because I heard some cool stuff went on. My son went with me so that may be the other reason I skipped the pre nuptials part. We stood together in the very back during the ceremony (outside and large, as noted) then were separated for the dinner.
Yeah, don’t worry about being late. Be on time for dinner, though!
Generally speaking it is very likely to be same-sex seating for both the ceremony and the dinner. You are not required to cover your head during either the ceremony or the dinner. You will see the majority of religious observant women with head covered and that might mean a hat whether formal or casual knit-type hat or head covering but more commonly a shetel or wig. What is needed actually is to dress respectfully which means nothing low-cut, no cleavage or exposed chest, arms covered to the elbow but definitely shoulders covered.
Although we don’t “do” very religious…or religious (we are secular) I am appalled and disgusted that ANYONE of background we invite people to a wedding and not feed them.
I get separation of men and women (but don’t condone it) but this…give lemonade and cookies. Do not make two classes of guests.
@bevhills, we are invited to the dinner on this occasion, but I have encountered “ceremony only” invitations in Christian circles, both Protestant and Catholic. It’s not meant to be offensive, in those instances I’m aware of it simply meant the family couldn’t afford to invite everyone to the reception/dinner or there wasn’t space in the reception venue for all. I personally would not send invitations to 2 different groups of people, but, for example, when my mother’s minister’s daughter wed, they sent a wedding ceremony invitation to all members of the church and included an invitation to the reception for closer friends and family. I also know of an instance when an Episcopal priest married a member of his parish. Everyone in the church was invited to the ceremony and a private reception was held for close friends and family. I’ve had friends receive “ceremony only” invitations to Protestant services when I have received a reception invitation as well as the ceremony. I agree with you, it can be very tricky and I personally would find another solution. I suspect I would be hurt if I considered myself a friend but didn’t rate a reception invitation!
I know that there are all groups and religions who do the separate invitations things. I know budgets. But again…serve cookies or hamburgers. No open bar and/or no liquor. DJ no live band. Cocktail party. punch and cookies. And…btw…I don’t need the registry info…
Nowadays it is considered very tacky to specifically invite people only to the ceremony. It is usually viewed as a gift grab. Perhaps there are social groups where that is not the case…
I agree with @bevhills . Cookies and punch or sandwiches and coffee/tea in the church hall are fine. don’t invite people if you cannot extend some minimal level of hospitality to them.
It is not considered tacky by the Chabad. The ceremony is considered to be the most important part of the day. It is an honor to be invited…and it’s not a gift grab.
My mother was Chabad and when she remarried had a Chabad wedding. The ceremony at the synagogue and the dancing were “segregated” by sex, the meal was not. There was no requirement for non-Jewish women to cover their head although there were some lovely lace coverings (think doily) available if a woman chose to wear one in the synagogue, during the service. Men (all) were required to wear a yarmulke during the service in the synagogue (also provided), but it was optional afterward (dinner and dancing). There is no public display of affection among couples (kissing/cuddling) although I did see a few hand holding. Women will not shake hands with the groom, and men will not shake hands or any form of touching, the bride. Key attire for women is having your arms covered, and being “modest” in attire. That does not mean dowdy nor does it mean no color (I wore a mid-length 1930s inspired dress with a beautiful Hawaiian print (and sleeves) and a “spectator” hat). My mom had a klezmer band and the party after the ceremony was quite raucous! A LOT of dancing and a LOT of celebrating! I have to say it was possibly the rowdiest wedding reception I’ve ever gone to.
Inviting only certain people to the reception used to be done in upper class WASP weddings, too. It had nothing to do with budget. It was believed that the wedding was the only important part. The reception was an intimate gathering for close friends and family.
But like the rest of you, I think this arrangement is tacky. Why not be generous (within one’s budget) and feed everyone? Cake and punch are perfectly fine if that’s all the couple can afford.
Read up on the subject. I did not realize that Chabad and the Lubavitcher Hassidim were the same. Interesting.
@JustaMom the lacy head coverings you describe sound like the mantillas that were very popular amongst Catholic women in my childhood, when most women had stopped wearing hats but it was required for women to cover their heads in church.