Does anyone have advice on how to approach a conversation with my mom and grandparents about going to school out of state? One idea I had was possibly taking a gap year so my mom has time to adjust, and we could use that time to plan things out together. Since she works from home, I even thought about renting a place together if that helps her feel more comfortable. Just trying to find a path that honors their worries while also letting me grow.. would appreciate any help.
Have you discussed this with them at all?
Yeah, I actually had a real conversation with my grandma today. Sheās religious and said sheās been making duāa (prayer) that I get into Rutgers on a full tuition scholarship for an accelerated MD program. I told her, āWhat if Rutgers doesnāt give me that, but I get a full ride somewhere else, out of state?ā And she basically said, āWell, you canāt go outside.ā
The expectation at times feels pretty clearā¦that I stay close to home, even if it means passing up better offers or taking out thousands of dollars in loans, just so I can live with my mom. And culturally, as the only male in my household, my mom would be left alone without me, which is a huge worry for everyone. My grandma is saying that if my mom had other kids it would be a different story.
Iāve talked to my mom about college over the past year. She asked me if I want to apply to Harvard once, and told me to apply to the best schools I can. But on the other hand, sheās said things like planning to pick me up and drop me off to Rutgers every day, and honestly, that idea disgusts me. It doesnāt feel like growing up, it feels like being tied down.
Adding to the pressure on my mom, my grandma has cancer and is really stressed about not being able to see me every day, even though sheās only about 35 minutes away in North Jersey. I think it would kill my grandma mentally if I moved away. Because of this, I would assume that my mom feels she has to respect her momās wishes, given how close they are to each other. (They talk multiple times on a daily basis)
So right now, Iām seriously thinking about taking a gap year. Not to avoid the hard stuff, but to give my mom time to emotionally adjust and for us to plan out how this can actually work. Maybe even renting a place together, since she works from home, so sheās not alone and Iām still growing.
Frankly, sometimes I wish I had a brother or sister, or a dad. Then it would be easier for me to go out and pursue my goals, knowing someone else would still be there with my mom. It feels like having someone else in the house would give me the freedom to grow without feeling like Iām leaving everyone behindāand I wouldnāt be shamed or vilified for it socially.
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I am sorry about this. Maybe others will chime in with advice. Is there a trusted adult you can speak with?
Many people have encouraged me to pursue my dreams for better schools, even my own aunt and grandpa. Iāve felt validated by them, and none of them have brought up the concern about my mom being alone. Itās really just my grandma who has said this outright, and my mom has dropped hints here and there. I just think it would be excellent to hear from others
You buried the lead 445 posts in.
Would have been good info to know beforehand.
Changes the calculus. Is there a reason you didnāt bring this up before?
Itās kinda big.
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Can your mom live with your grandmother, or vice versa?
Otherwise, can you commit to a daily phone call or text and a weekly FaceTime with your mother and grandmother?
And noā¦no one should be driving you back and forth to college. Do you have a driverās license?
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So you are planning to defer ? That wonāt necessarily be allowed - you need to check every school.
They may say you canāt apply and to apply next year. QB doesnāt allow that btw.
Donāt assume you can apply, get in, and get a deferral.
You may even blow your chance by doing that.
QB officially says itās up to the school. Schools may offer, may at their discretion or may not.
Seems to me youāve been so high on QB, that you should have had that discussion prior. Maybe you should apply to Rutgers and one other public or community college near home and be doneā¦if your relatives put these restrictions.
As for building a list, any school that does not allow a deferral or is at their discretion, if thatās your plan, should come off.
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I agree that this is a big piece of news to introduce now. I cannot imagine applying to schools outside of NJ while also trying to figure this out.
Itās really not a good idea for your mother to drive you back and forth to Rutgers every day. Can you drive?
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You keep saying this. You are premed. Better is where you can excel vs the rest.
You have struggles, relatively, with STEM. Iād surmise and I may be wrong that Stockton or Montclair State would be better for you than Rutgers or Harvard. You are going against the best of the best at Harvard, pretty dang good at Rutgers and of course they may eat your lunch given past performance. May - I donāt know for sure.
Best is subjective. The best is the one that helps you achieve your goals. Of course, no one knows until after.
Thereās a poster whose daughter is in a top 3 biomedical engineering program. Canāt get a job. UNC CS grads posted here - canāt get a job.
Thereās a lot of great schools including the names you love. But better is subjective - and not necessarily.
And better for another may not be for you. Both mine turned down reaches for safeties. For them, they made the better choice. For someone else, the reach might be the better choice.
Personally I think your perspective is off.
QB takes a lot of time. Itās crazy to me youād do that if not allowed to leave.
Yes, I can definitely commit to FaceTimeādaily check-ins, even. My grandparents actually live with my uncle and aunt, who have three kids. Additionally, if my mom moved in with them, it would leave our half of the duplex vacant, which isnāt really ideal. My mom giving me rides to Rutgers is kind of embarrassing, and itās part of why the idea of commuting to Rutgers leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It just feels limiting compared to the other opportunities out there.
From what Iāve researched, most of the schools on QB do allow gap years..itās usually up to the individual schoolās policy, as @tsbna44 mentioned. I completely agree itās important not to assume, so my plan is to confirm with each school directly before moving forward. That way, I can make an informed decision without risking my chances.
I agree with this.
I think you are underestimating the applicant pool at many schools on your list. I also think you are not giving other schools the recognition you should.
It is your right not to share the information that you just provided. That being said, I am confused as to how you could engage in this discussion for 2 weeksā¦knowing how your family felt.
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Right now you are living in a duplex that a relative owns, presumably at no cost. Who will pay the rent on this place with your mom?
Plus, some colleges require that freshmen live ON campus.
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Likely every QB given they are paying. But that list - even for those who full pay.
Iāll get a job to pay the rent
Where are you seeing that? Their gap year policy may not be the gap year policy for QB matched finalists. If you match, that is binding. I would be surprised if most schools allow matched finalists to defer a year, but you need to ask them that exact question (or find it in the QB FAQs)
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Why do you post when you are so insistent that you already have all the answers?
What part-time legal job can an 18 year old get which will cover the rent?
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Hugs to you. You are in tough situation. Iām not really understanding your thinking on taking a gap year. You are entering your senior year of high school. Doesnāt your mom already have a year to come to terms with you going away to college? What exactly is the goal of the year away from school? If you are planning on med school, you most likely arent going to have the luxury of commuting and you certainly wonāt be able to have much control over where you go for your residency.You will have to leave home at some point. Have a heart to heart with your mother. Let her know that you fully intend to come home during school breaks if possible and you have no intention of walking away from your family obligations. Maybe she will come around.
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You will not have the time to get a job to cover the rent if you are in any of the challenging colleges on QB or other ātop listsā. And especially not if you are pre-med.
doing this will almost certainly mean you will end up dropping out of college.
Please rethink this.
It sounds like your family would like you to stay close but arenāt insisting on it. I encourage you to continue to aim for a QB school and other non-Rutgers matches (but probably not the most rigorous colleges both because the odds of admission are very low and the rigor once you get there is likely to be much more rigorous than your current high school and you want to thrive wherever you land).
And if you do go to Rutgers, get a drivers license and a used car and insist on driving yourself.
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I think you very much need to rethink your strategy. If you really want to apply to medical school, you need to be at the top of the game in terms of your college academics. Suggested working for college students is about 10 hours a week, and that wonāt pay for housing, utilities, food anywhere I can think of.
Please consider what your family ends areā¦I agree, that changes the landscape of where you can apply to college. You have lots of family moving parts that I would suggest you consider.
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