changing high schools- making new friends

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My D is in 11th grade and chose to change schools this year for a number of reasons. She did like her old (private ) school and had many friends there, but the new school is incredibly more affordable (old school costs have increased dramatically since we first began) and much closer to home.</p>

<p>After one week in the new school, she is really taken aback by how tough it is to make new friends. D always has lots of friends and is very social. At the new school, every one know each other and they have lives they have made together over the years, she feels extraneous. No one is mean, they have simply not yet discovered what a wonderful addition to their lives she will be :smiley: Any hints or ideas on how to best break into the new school social structure?</p>

<p>She has joined a sport team and that is working well, though the girls she talks to at practice do not make a big effort to talk to her during school. She is in the throes of the (expecteded) difficult adjustment and yearning for the old/easy days.</p>

<p>Any one else made a switch in high school? Any one had their kids switch back to the old school? How long is long enough to give the new school a chance?</p>

<p>CC is such a great sounding board, I’d love to hear your thoughts/experiences.</p>

2

<p>We have moved right before high school for two of mine, and it is just plain hard to break in. Not impossible, it gets better, but it’s hard, and I think sometimes harder for the ones who are social and have been able to make friends easily. (The shy ones seem better able to accept how hard it is.)</p>

<p>If she keeps on being friendly, joining activities, saying “hi” to the girls on the team even if they don’t stop to talk, chatting with lab partners, etc. it will get better, but it may take a while. For us it got better after Thanksgiving (I know, seems forever!) both times.</p>

<p>Since you are still in the same town can she stay in contact with the friends from the other school? It might be easier to do that one-on-one to avoid hearing about everything she’s missing. The high schools here are so big (4,500) that social groups often happen elswhere – through church activities, club sports, community theater. Many kids just make it through the day with aquaintances and have their meaningful friendships outside of school.</p>

<p>Hope this helps a little. It’s hard for them, but also for moms who hate seeing their kids unhappy.</p>

3

<p>I’ve changed schools 5 time and it is hard. The first few days are the worst becuase you think everone has firneds,. why dont I? I would say talk to that kid sitting next to you . It can even be as simple as how do you think that test went? Mabye if you guys start talking you can ask fi you can sit with them at lunch one day. Mabye talk to that kid that has the locker next to you. Its never going to be like in the movies were your struggling with that locker and that hot boy comes up and helps you with it (haha I wish) but jsut tlaking to even one person a day and then keep talking to them will help, and if that person isnt interestd in you well thats okay talk to another personin another class. I would also join something like theater were everyone ahs to depend on everyone to get the show up and running, usually casts get very close, or I know shes on a sports team. What sport? Mabye she can talk to the coach about having team bonding activitys like dinner after a winning game or something?</p>

4

<p>I think the first couple of weeks are the hardest because old friends are in catching-up, what did you do last summer? mode. Ask her to be patient. Can identify members of her team who are also in some of her classes? Is she bold enough to join others at lunch and try to break into their conversations around movies, clothes, music, etc…? I’ll bet by the end of the month she will feel more at home in the new school.</p>

5

<p>Joining sports is good, but it can be isolating, because if its lots of practices with the same kids, it can make it harder to join other clubs</p>

<p>That said, I went to 8 different schools, and two different highschools…I was in the band, god bless the Oboe</p>

<p>Try the drama club. Those kids are usually really friendly and outgoing, and people are always needed for stage crew, it can keep evenings busy and they have parties, and traditions and you don’t have to have any skills…it easy to get to know people because its not “territory”- it ebbs and flows much more than some groups do</p>

<p>Both my Ds are doing it and LOVE it…</p>

6

<p>S changed high schools this year, his senior year. Things fortunately have gone easy for him. Even though he’s a quiet kid, he managed to connect again with friends from middle school.</p>

<p>It can help if your D also joins clubs in subjects that interest her. It might be particularly helpful if the clubs that interest her are small, new and/or appeal to people with unusual interests.</p>

<p>If she’s musical, getting into band, orchestra or chorus also can be a great way of getting to know people as can art classes.</p>

7

<p>Thank you all for your encouraging words- it feels like an ehug! It’s nice to know others have survived and flourished when I am trying to be the encouraging parent :slight_smile: She does not want to talk to her old school friends about how hard it is, as she doesn’t want every one to talk about her as miserable, but that means she can only vent to me or an auntie or grandma!</p>

8

<p>Found out about service clubs- environmental, feeding the hungry, that kind of thing</p>

9

<p>If your daughter has already found someone with whom to sit at lunch, then the battle is already half over. Friends will just come about organically by talking to the people near you in classes and such. Joining the clubs you would have joined anyway helps, but all of my best friends from high school are just people I happened to be sitting next to in classes–the smaller the better.</p>

10

<p>somemom, I made the switch as a Junior as well and all I can tell you is that while it isn’t easy, it will happen. In all honesty, I can say that I didn’t feel like I fit in until Senior year (not what your D may want to hear), but then again I was painfully shy to begin with. The friends will come, but it’s going to be a gradual thing. I’d advise her just to keep being friendly, don’t try to push it, get involved in the things she likes to do (not things she does just because she thinks it will help her make friends), and relax.</p>

11

<p>Keep busy, find things to do with her (not what a teen girl wants to here either), but if a Friday night is not spent home alone, or a Saturday afternoon is spent doing something fun, it may not be so difficult</p>

<p>Things like shows, plays, exhibits, fairs, city events, sporting events- they don’t have to be expensive, but can be fun</p>

<p>She is a Junior, sign her up for a SAT or PSAT prep class, exercise classes, stuff outside of school as well</p>

<p>If the time is filled, it may not seem so lonely, and suddenly she will be busy without you and then you will be happy and sad!!</p>

12

<p>Remind her it’s only been a week. She doesn’t need to make friends right away. She can use this time to survey the scene a little bit, consider which kids, which groups are really like her. She can also use the time to get to know her teachers.</p>

<p>My D spent an entire first year of high school with no friends at all. She was the only one from her grammar school to go there, and everyone else knew everyone else. Or so it seemed. Also she did too much ballet to hang around after school and was a high grade getter which put a lot of people off. But by mid-sophomore year she had located her crew. For the next 2.5 years she and three other girls got to be better and better friends to the point that by graduation they were inseparable, despite boyfriends, differing academic careers etc.</p>

<p>Sometimes slow and steady is actually more effective. Your D I am sure will not have to wait as long, given the sports, etc.</p>

13

<p>I moved in 10th grade and in my senior year and it still amazes me how much I was thrown to the wolves (military parents and zero sympathy there, just expected to cope, tenous connections to the town itself.) I was a resilient extrovert but still experienced some bleak hours longing to be invited and included, noticing carpools and overnights and outings being arranged in old established and familiar patterns that did not appear to have room for a new kid. Who is popular and who is nice and when do those two qualities come together…this takes time to figure out.
Here is my secret weapon and what worked for me, because of course I was the best adjusted and happiest college freshman in the world. (College is so leveling…everyone starts at the same place and must begin anew! heaven!) DON’T TAKE OFFENCE, NURSE HURTS OR WOUNDS if you feel overlooked, or feel passed over by kids who have a social network that is tight that they take for granted. STAY OPEN and turn the other cheek. It is easy to be insensitive to new kids, but it is also human. Today’s girl who seems to ignore you is tomorrow’s confidant --you may be the new friend she is happy to gain, and you both will learn something if you don’t mark her off your list the first time she organizes an outing within earshot of you that you are not included in. Don’t write anyone off on first interactions, give them all a few chances. Instead of dwelling on how disconnected you are, greet every person daily as if there is a strong possibility you might be their next new friend, and notice the best in others even when you are still invisible to them. It is that key to mental health…hold a high opinion of others and things go better for you. Notice who has a sense of humor, who is caring, who is loyal, who puts others down. This is sort of like living as if you have had a lobotomy for a while, but it is a way of being very very generous about getting to know others and forgiving their slights because circumstances require you must make the biggest effort. There will always be a couple people who will make it clear they don’t need you, but for every one like that there will be five kids who are going to be glad to count you as a friend as the months pass. New kids don’t have the luxury of gossiping or passing judgment on who is In or Out, but you will learn a lot about people’s character just on the basis of how inclusive or exclusive they are inclined to be. Sit back and take it in but don’t get mad. Suck it up and recognize that you are not registering with them until you enter their world on their terms, and few teens are going to ask a lot about where you have been for the last 15 years. When I moved away two years later, two little going away parties were thrown for me and the lonely months were a lesson in life. Join the drama dept., paint a set, become a teacher asst, work in an office, join groups, work a fundraiser, throw a little party, get active and settle in for relationships that are mainly based on Activities for a while. Making intimate friends takes time and shared experiences. So the key is realistic expectations and experiencing lonely for a while, high opinion of others and choosing to be present in outlets where shared experiences can take place.<br>
This stretch now will be a great learning experience and help your D face the next time in life when she is the “new kid.” As a Mom, I know you realize that many of our best stretches in life involve some pain and discomfort and to rely on self a bit and deal with lonely is a good skill. And then there is also the increased perceptiveness she will gain from being a bit of an outsider…you tend to grow into a more inclusive adult.
Oh and for allowing me to put my lunch tray down on your table in the cafeteria in 1971 on the first day of school and being kind enough to make conversation with me and introduce me to your friends, thank you Susan Narsygian whereever you are!</p>

14

<p>Somemom, my heart goes out to you and your daughter! It is hard, and takes time.</p>

<p>Both my children changed schools in high school at different times. My son “changed” schools in 9th grade. While this may seem a normal transfer period, the high school he attended started at grade 7, and was populated primarily with students who had been together since kindergarten. It is a very small suburban public school. It only took my son a couple of weeks to find a small group of friends, and by senior year he felt very much a part of the new school. Having a small core group was his safety net to then branch out to meeting others. Senior year festivities were a little harder for me, as they often showed numerous “memory” photos including their grade- school experience, and of course he was not part of it, but he had no regrets. </p>

<p>So, after an agonizing decision for my daughter to switch from a private school to the same public school in her 10th grade, we knew it would be hard in the beginning, but felt it would slowly get better. It has been much harder for her than I at first realized. I thought things were going fine, when out of the blue in 11th grade, she confided to me how hard it continues to be for her. While the students have “accepted” her, they typically do not think of her. Understandably, it is much easier for them to call (or should I say IM) their current buddies and make plans. Not once did she meet with her new school friends over the summer. Admittedly I typically do the same with my own friends and work colleagues, by first calling those I know well. I try to explain to her that she too must reach out, and make plans with others, but she has been reluctant to do so, unless they initiate. </p>

<p>She explained that she has yet to be able to show her “true” self, in fear that the other students will not accept her. I tried to explain that it is probably just as lonely to live life artificially reserved, in fear of their acceptance. On the other hand, I’m not really clear if being reserved is perhaps a part of who she truly is! I think all teens deal with the need to belong, and while switching schools does make it harder, it also gives them an excuse when the road is rough. </p>

<p>On the positive side:</p>

<p>My daughter’s switch was probably for similar reasons as yours. She too, liked her former schoolmates, and I’ve encouraged her to maintain those friendships. She is also forever amazed at the number of students she has met from all parts of town, both from her former schools, and through different activities outside of school. It has become a source of pride when she finds connections between old friends and new acquaintances. The ability to meet new people and connect is a lifelong skill I believe will serve her well. I’ve heard of some students who have kept only the small core group of friends from grade-school that had a hard time going away to college. </p>

<p>I second the opinion that school theatre is a fantastic melting pot for students. She LOVES the school plays, and cannot wait for them to start at her new school. It becomes an instant group of friends working together for a common goal. One can typically find a niche, whether singing, acting, dancing, tech., stage crew, etc. Service opportunities could also help.</p>

<p>We knew the saved tuition would help with her college fund, but we also discovered, we feel less “guilty” about occasional splurges on other things for her benefit – an outside art class, music lessons, class trips, etc. It is also a joy not to be constantly bombarded with requests for extra fund raisers. The public school has them too, of course, but less stress is placed on families to contribute substantial dollars above and beyond tuition. I feel freer to help out, when our budget is lighter.</p>

<p>The new school is closer, and we knew this would be a more convenient commute for us, but it has also translated to more activities for my daughter. The local public school draws students primarily from a 5 mile radius. Her former school draws from the entire city, and friends could be up to 45 min. away. She is far more likely to stop over at a school activity only 5 minutes away as opposed to making arrangements with her friends 45 min. away! Once she starts driving on her own, we will have far less hesitation to let her visit her local friends, than those across town.</p>

<p>I like the added diversity of her public school. It is not an inner city school, but we still have a broader range of economic backgrounds. I have been amazed at how caring a community it really is. The local private schools pride themselves in their community outreach, but I really haven’t seen much less from the public school. That was a nice surprise.</p>

<p>Volunteer on the PTA, the parents’ athletic group, etc. I actually found it easier to do so at our local public than the private. Hopefully, the assistance helps the school, but selfishly, it also helps me to have a handle on the social and political environment, and keeps the communication open between our family and the school. </p>

<p>One week is way too soon to make any decisions. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said your daughter is fondly looking back and yearning for the familiar. Make sure you don’t kick yourself for the choice when things go bad (and they sometimes will), at her new school.</p>

<p>Good luck with the change. Keep us informed!</p>

15

<p>Thank you again, guys, thanks Faline for being so specific, I love the way you think positively. Kind of like when our mothers tell us to smile and the world will smile back.</p>

<p>Many excellent suggestions- validating for the ones I am already doing and great new ideas, too.</p>

<p>D spent one week and the new school, then a weekend with a good friend from teh old school which begins soon. I think being with her friend and realising every one else was returning, but she wasn’t brought it home to roost quite brutally.</p>

<p>D is trying to keep a positive attitude and was so gald to have soen the night talking to me and to her dad, it felt better to share the thoughts and feelings adn know some one else knows her pain. </p>

<p>Thanks to your ideas, I found out the drama club meets this week, so she says she will check it out- never done drama before, not sure she wants to be on stage, but even crew would be fine, just being involved is what is needed! Hopefully that works well.</p>

16

<p>I really can’t believe now how uninvolved my parents were when they dropped off my sister and me at new high schools!<br>
However, you have a child who can talk to you…this is very positive. On the other hand, dealing with adversity can make her stronger and more prepared for high school and the work force. It is good to be still living with her when she faces her first colder environment…as you can coach, reframe, redirect her and help her maintain perspective. Only two more years till all those kids in her New School who have such a tight familiarity with each other will also be “walking a mile in her current shoes” and starting over with only their own wits and charms to make it in college.<br>
good luck and best wishes for her new friends and new identity.</p>

17

<p>Yay! Girls from her sports team spoke to her in class today, asked her if she was “her name” and told her the coach had talked about her potential. It was great to know the coach said good things about her and it was great to have them talk to her in school, every one talks in the locker room, but they are all “busy” at school and slower to include her. This was a nice little milestone, okay, milepebble!</p>

18

<p>I moved the second week of my senior year to an entire new state, i’ve currently been at my new school for like 3 weeks and kids are just now starting to really talk to me. moving schools sucks really bad especially senior year and a different state where your 3 weeks behind in every class and you cant go see your old friends. luckily im in the honors and ap program so the teachers are really nice to me and im a star track athlete (im not going to run run for the school) so people ask me about that. As long as you dont try hard for attention or anything you just sort of mix in gradually and ppl like you.</p>

19

<p>Making friends is a skill that will last a lifetime. While it is unsettling to switch universes during your developing teen years it is not fatal. Drama club, sports activities will help, but there are limits…a friend that has been a friend for 10 years through school will not be the same as a friend that you just met last month. It doesn’t mean that the friend you make today can’t be your best friend for the rest of your life, it just means you won’t have the same history. Parents, who have known their children’s classmates for six years might not think of your daughter to include her right away. Habits of who does what on weekends…need to be learned… it isn’t always easy, but the same things happen whenever you get a new job and the skill of making new friends is transferrable and therefore useful all of your daughters life.</p>

20

<p>Update:
D competed in her first sporting event and got bumped up to Varsuty, she was afraid she would ruin things for her teammates, as the girls she was replacing is a state champ, but later realised what trust and confidence the coach must have in her & her potential to bump her to varsity. She has now swum in years and had only practiced a couple of weeks.</p>

<p>She also has a boyfriend! Not from her school, but from it’s town, so that is interesting. First time I was ever relieved when one of my D’s acquired a bfriend! </p>

<p>Things are not “great” at school, but she is less miserable.</p>