Last year I was very unhappy with my former company’s re-org. I was there for less than a year. I aggressively looked for another job as soon as I decided I wanted to leave. I quite after I secured a compatible job, which took about 3 months. I wish I could have quite when I wanted to, but I knew the prudent thing to do was to get another job before I quite. I don’t think it is wise to quite without another job.
No, it’s not wise. But sometimes, when you finally realize after almost 20 years that thinking about having further contact with a particular person for whom you work makes you feel so terrible that you’re practically suicidal, it’s necessary. It got to the point where it felt very much like being in an abusive relationship, in all sorts of ways – even including the occasional praise mixed in with the abuse, like telling me more than once that I might be the smartest person he’d ever met…
Post #18. I should mention that I lined up another job before I quit, so there was no break in income/benefits.
I completely agree with these relationships being like an abusive domestic relationship. The abuser tries to confuse you, gives you occasional praise along with the abuse, and generally keeps you guessing what you’ll walk into the next day.
@DonnaL: Have you thought about working for Axiom or one of the other freelance attorney agencies?
Back to your main thread . . . .
I went through a 22-month stint with a new boss who refused to talk to me. He was hired after I’d worked there for 5 years. Fortunately I had 5 years of excellent relations with everyone else in the org. The 22 months of his silence included not telling me about projects that I was assigned by people higher than him; taking the rest of the department out to lunch and leaving me sit; etc. Because Boss refused to talk to me, the co-workers were confused and felt they too could not talk to me, or suffer the same mysterious fate. He would periodically stop talking to others for short stints and kept them in line that way, I guess.
As difficult as this was, I felt that quitting was not an option. The benefits were amazing at this org and couldn’t be found elsewhere. Besides, the other people in the org had known me for 5 years. After 22 months they moved me to another dept. After another year or so, the Bad Boss finally tripped up in such a public way that they could successfully fire him.
To this day I’m not sure if it was worth hunkering down for 22 months and dealing with that stress. I’ve completed 6 more years on the job, about, and it’s been a great job in all other ways.
That’s where I am – last year I got a new manager. And that person’s boss is barely 5 yrs in. So here I am after 13 years of good work and good relationships with everyone else, and these two announce I am all sorts of wrong and they were moving someone new and totally without experience instead of saving me. when I responded that well, that was a lot to consider going forward, he was all " oh, you work hard and all that, no worries" …I mean,he’s known me less than a year. It’s all very complicated and I’m sorry to be vague. This represents half my position; the other half is even weirder and less okay, but in a different way. (ethically, philosophically)
I’ve told this story before, but… I used to have the perfect career (for me, at least.) I worked as a pharmaceutical researcher. It was a fabulous job, right up until our parent company shut down my research site and laid off 3000 people.
I was almost 50 when that happened. I scrambled and found another job that turned out to be nightmarish, soul-sucking experience. My boss was an anti-social, egotistical narcissist with all kinds of issues; he used to spy on people in the restroom to make sure they weren’t talking about him.
So yeah, every day my stomach hurt and every evening I had a headache, but I stayed there for 7 years - partly because we needed the money and partly because of my age. I did go back to school at night to get my teaching certification and I did eventually quit the soul-sucking job so I could student teach. The day I quit was one of the happiest days of my life.
Although things haven’t quite worked out as I planned, I am so glad that I left that toxic workplace. Terrible, toxic, bosses and stifling work cultures DO leave a psychic mark on you; there were work days that I woke up in the morning crying, knowing that I was facing yet another meeting with Mr. Unreasonable. (He thought he was a writer but he couldn’t tell the difference between lose and loose…and he argued with me about it.)
Anyway, good luck to you @greenbutton. I wish I had some sage advice, but all I have is empathy - it’s an awful situation to be in.
I’ve been where you are. I stayed and outlasted the nightmare director (she only lasted two years) That said, it doesn’t hurt to polish up your resume, send it out, network and go on informational interviews and see what’s out there. You don’t have to up and quit but you can find out your options.
One thing this thread has shown me is that it is never too late for find another job.
Certainly sounds like looking for a new position should be your immediate step. If you find something, great, if not, that may impact your choices depending on your dependence on your salary and what else you could do. Even if you stay, looking for options may help you figure out whether the grass is greener. Or maybe you can move within the firm?
In the case of the family member mentioned above, the boss that was unsupportive ended up leaving a year or so later. The person who ended up in the job was fired soon thereafter.
I agree. It doesn’t hurt to look for another job. My understanding is that job hunting while employed is much better than job hunting while unemployed. You may find your dream job and dream boss. I say, go for it!
It’s always a good idea to have a plan to leave and your resume ready to go. I took early retirement to get away from a bad situation and have no regrets. I’ve done interesting things since then and have learned a lot about other areas. I signed up for all the job sites (indeed, etc.) and have my resume there. I also keep my Linkedin profile updated. I get recruiters contacting me all the time about jobs. It never hurts to see who may be looking to hire. You have no loyalty to anyone but yourself and your family in today’s world.
I can relate to how you are feeling. I almost walked out of my job 2 days ago. I managed to hold back and have spent the last two evenings updating my resume. I’m so stressed I can’t sleep. It took all I had to walk in the door this morning, so I probably won’t last too much longer. I know I should find another job first, but I’m really unhappy.
OMG Dustyfeathers (post#24) I work for someone similar; fortunately she is relocating and doesn’t want me. Leaving me without a job soon, but am looking.
Boy, I just wanted to say I can related to so many of these stories. I left a horribly toxic environment about 5 years ago. I had to wait until I found another job (6 months or so) but I’m so glad I left, even if it meant taking a pay cut. I swear I suffer from a mild form of PTSD after that experience.
WHY ARE PEOPLE SO AWFUL TO OTHER PEOPLE???
Sorry, got a little carried away there. But for the life of me, I don’t understand why so many people thinking being mean, controlling, unfair, and otherwise toxic is okay.
Years ago I was in an extremely toxic environment, but not because of anyone being mean, it was a small family owned business that had decided to sell to a corporation just before I was hired. When the corporation took over, they fired many of the senior management to control costs…many who’d been with the business for decades, and were in the process of reviewing the duties for the middle management. They also were implementing a lot of their corporate policies. For me who had just started there, the management seemed to be doing their best to be making the best decisions to merge the 2 businesses, but for the long time employees they were paranoid that they might lose their jobs and angered over having to change the methods they had been using to comply to the new policies. I was only there 9 months and left with absolutely no notice because it was a MISERABLE place to work.
But in my current job, I’ve been here for almost 15 years and it’s very comfortable, but I’ve definitely been pigeonholed. I am VERY good at what I do, but I’ve been doing it for 15 years and I’m no longer growing or learning. Whenever a new project comes up that sounds like it would be interesting or give me an opportunity to learn new skills, there’s always an excuse why I don’t have time to devote to it and someone else - usually younger and less experienced, gets assigned to it. I’m on autopilot most of my work day, which is why I resort to coming here, because CC taxes my brain more than my job most days.
But, with my son still in college for another 18 months (hoping he graduates Dec 2017), I can’t afford to take a pay cut. So, my eyes are ALWAYS open for new opportunities, and if one presents itself, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave my very comfortable, decent paying job that I’ve been in for nearly 15 years, just to go somewhere that actually requires me to think every now and again.
I quit my job of 20 something years just 2 months ago. I’m 62. We might not have exactly the retirement we envisioned, but caring for my mom has taught me that life is way too short. I tried to quit 3 years ago when an abusive co-worker was put in the position of manager and got control of assigning all projects. The president of the company (who made the promotion) talked me into staying. I should have followed my gut when I still had plenty of time to find a better job since the last 3 years have been soul-sucking as I was assigned to fewer and fewer challenging projects despite my experience and good performance. Now the company who has employed only one woman for many years employs none. There was nothing tying me to the job except an hourly wage as the benefits were terrible despite the company’s claim of being “World Class”.
I’m just breathing now and waiting to see what direction I should take. The world is open!
I know from past experience that it’s easy to get caught up into thinking that your present position holds more worth than it really does. If your gut tells you to jump ship, do it. Things will work out and you have more to offer than your present position gives you credit for. You do not have to put up with not being valued and someone else will see and appreciate your value. Chin up.
@suzy100 I’m with you on the PTSD work related experience. Won’t go into details but it was unpleasant.
Whenever I’ve been in job situations where it’s toxic, I distract myself for hunting actively for another job. I don’t think I’ve ever outright quit a job except for once, and that was to stay with my kids when they were born. That job was actually pretty good, but really stressful (running a technical support division for a small software company back in the late 90s), and I was having trouble getting pregnant.
I’ve done mostly freelance work since then that I can work around mom-hood, but now that the girls are going to be heading off to college in 2017 and 2018, I’m back at school full time so I’ll have a bachelor’s degree and be more marketable (because their college is expensive and I’d like my husband to be able to either cut way back or retire because he works SO hard).
H has also moved jobs and companies when his work environment became intolerable (white collar executive nerd software type stuff). He’s never quit, either-always lines up something else, then leaves the bad job. That hasn’t happened for quite a while, though. (knock wood, although I see change on the horizon).
It was energizing for me when I was in a bad job to direct my energy towards looking for a new job, because I don’t fear change at all, and I recognize that’s not the norm. I couldn’t WAIT to find another cliff to jump off of. Most of the jumps were pretty good!
PTSD: both H and I have had bosses that were so tyrannical/psychotic that we still have occasional nightmares about them. Both of those bosses are now dead from heart attacks. Karma.
I don’t really understand why people think it’s OK, Garland. My boss was well-known for saying things like “there’s no law against yelling,” and insisting that yelling at employees was “good” for them because it kept them on their toes, etc. Maybe he actually believed that, but I do think he was mostly just trying to cover for his inability to control his temper. (More unwillingness than inability, perhaps, given that he didn’t seem to have much trouble controlling his temper with people to whom he had to be civil, like clients.)