Chanukah - how do you celebrate if it's your one and only holiday of the season?

Parent Cafe
1

So many threads about Christmas! What if you only observe Chanukah - not talking about a blended holiday observance. Do you enjoy the seasonal events and displays? Do you feel left out and maybe a bit wistful that so many others around you have a common purpose for a month or more? Or do you feel relieved to not have the pressure of trying for a perfect holiday that meets everyone’s expectations? Does Christmas influence your approach to Chanukah? Do you feel a difference in emphasis if Chanukah comes very early instead of bumping up to Christmas?

I grew up with Chanukah being low key - a couple of decorations, light the menorah every night with a few songs, gelt and latkes, dreidel games. And my parents gave us a gift every night - a couple of nicer things and the rest minor. Dad was a Rabbi so brother and I had to be circumspect in joining any reindeer games (like caroling with friends). It was not a very Jewish community in general. DH grew up in a very Jewish community but also did low key at home celebrations.

And that’s how we raised DS - I did have more decorations than Mom but strictly Chanukah - no tree, no wreathes, etc. Also not a very Jewish community so sometimes I pushed to make sure Chanukah was recognized at school events, including bringing latkes to school holiday parties. Every few years it would overlap DS’s birthday so sometimes we did a birthday lunch and Chanukah dinner with family. We usually got together with my family at least once each year (we all lived in the same area) - so nice to have eight nights to work with! Some years we did visit DH’s family. So every night light the menorah, sing songs, eat gelt, spin a dreidel. I make latkes two or three time each year.

Now family is either not nearby or not around anymore at all so we’re on our own. I still send DS gifts - a few years I put together a package with eight smaller items. This year I had fun with Black Friday and Cyber Monday and Lightning Deal sales so DS is getting a flow of packages from Amazon. (I support Amazon because they gave DS a very nice job earlier this year.) We tried throwing a Chanukah party for new friends last year and it went so well we’re doing it again this year. And of course we always have dinner and a movie on Christmas eve - in the old days, only Chinese restaurants were open and theaters had their last shows in the early evening. Now tons of restaurants are open and you have to buy your tickets ahead of time! We appreciate all the lights and parades and displays for Christmas (maybe not the inflatables) but are happy to take it all at our own pace,

2

Marilyn, we did very similar. I’m sure some nights were disappointing when the gift was minor, but it was always son’s choice hitch gift to open.
The big family party was always on Saturday. Gifts were given to the kids in later years, but I still like to bring something for a few of the adults.

My son attended a Jewish day school thru elementary school, so I suspect he felt the loss a little less. We had small get togethers with friends. Thru MS and HS, son had a tight knit group,of friends. One family decorated their tree on Xmas eve, invited son and others for the day. Son would sleep at another friends house on Xmas eve and go to Mass with them. (I am still friends with some of the parents, and attend T-day with them.).

After the holiday, we’d sometimes take a short trip; to disneyworld, Boston, New Mexico (visiting sister).

I think I’ll send son and g/f a recipe for latkes. I stopped trying for 8 gifts now.

3

I grew up in a mixed family that celebrated everything, but my husband is strictly Jewish so our family was, too. We had eight nights of Hanukah plus gifts, invited people over, happily held Hanukah at school some years. I would host holiday parties for the kids and put up seasonal decorations, like greenery and pine cones, when they were teenagers. I made a Hanukah wreath for the door. Our community has begun to celebrate Hanukah at city hall and I am one of a small band of residents who makes that happen. We welcome everyone.

Now with no kids at home we don’t do much. Last year we took a trip. My husband, much to my surprise, was overcome with nostalgia for Hanukah and wanted to celebrate so we made a menorah out of stuff we could find (mostly foil) and held the holiday.

This year we will be away for most of it again. I’ll help set up the community celebration. We will be in NYC and I plan on going to see all the Christmas lights I can, probably by myself.

4

We approached Chanukah similarly to @Marilyn. Eight nights of gifts, light the menorah, songs, and relevant decorations. I always knew it was Chanukah because the smell of oil lingered in the house for days! We live in a community that feels more Jewish than it actually is, and it is very multicultural so everyone’s holidays were celebrated as the kids were growing up.

My kids are grown now and one is married but we try to get together for at least one night of the holiday. I make a really nice “grown-up” dinner party that includes latkes! I still buy them gifts, but mostly I use it as an excuse to give them things I’ve wanted to give them anyway, and at 28, 30, 32, and 36 (my DIL), they still get pajamas and socks! My kids generally don’t give gifts to each other or to us…it’s just the way we’ve done it. I have noticed that my DIL and S brought small gifts for everyone last year and S2’s GF has already made noises about bringing gifts. This is definitely their influence, but I’ve tried to tell them it’s not necessary and, to be honest, my D would prefer they not. She knows the GF/SIL are doing the shopping, it’s not her brothers’ thing, and that’s ok with her.

Maybe, someday, there will be grandchildren and the holiday will revolve around them!

5

We gave one big gift the first night and little gifts for the other 7 nights. Latkes on the first night too. We stopped with a gift for each night around high school. Always light the candles. S went to Jewish nursery school so in those early years we’d sing the Hanukkah songs he learned, played dreidel, and lit the candles in that year’s menorah he made at school.

We have an extended family Hanukkah party every year. Kids get gifts until they graduate college. The adults do a swap gift. We started at $50 but bumped it to $75 a few years ago. When the party is depends on what day is good for everyone. We’ve had it as late as January.

Hanukkah was very low key when we were kids. Got small gifts, gelt from Aunts&Uncles. We’d light the candles every night and get one wee, unexciting gift. By the time I was a teen just got money. But on Xmas, when we were very young, we did get a stocking with dumb stuff in it like an orange. Never a family Hanukkah party, either. That didn’t start until my generation were young marrieds w/kids.

I remember complaining as a kid about the lack of big and many presents on Hanukkah like my friends got on Christmas and my mom saying to me - Christmas is all year long for you, which was true. I got want I wanted/needed throughout the year. We always went for Chinese on Xmas eve but on Xmas day one of my Aunt always made a big family dinner because everyone was off school and had day off from work. After my mom started teaching (I was in third grade) we wouid go to my Nana’s in Florida. It is much easier to forget it’s the Xmas season when it’s sunny and warm out and you are at the beach club every day. H, S and I also spent a few Xmas breaks at my parents in Florida, too.

H is not Jewish but we do very little for Xmas. Two nice meals is it. No decorations, no tree. Whatever gift we get for S covers both holidays. This year AAA renewal and money.

H and I don’t exchange gifts.

6

Growing up, my family celebrated Chanukah by lighting menorah, getting gelt, having latkes, and, honestly, I don’t even remember presents being a big deal - certainly not one every night. We lived in an apartment in NYC and I’d go see the tree the family across the hall had. Mom & I would usually go into Manhattan on a Sunday (no stores open then) to see the Rockefeller Center tree and the store window displays. But it was very clear to me that Christmas was not my holiday and I was fine with that - I didn’t feel left out.

My kids were raised almost the same way, except they used to get gifts on each night until they were teens. They grew up in an area less Jewish than NYC, but we made sure to participate in Chanukah activities at temple. DH, also Jewish, went to see Santa as a child and was given a gift on Christmas so he wouldn’t feel left out. Those things didn’t fly with me. I wanted my children to appreciate their holiday, not feel like they were missing something. They never missed visiting Santa or getting gifts on Dec. 25. S1 once asked a restaurant hostess why they only had a Christmas tree and not a menorah. I also complained to Disney when we were once there in early Dec, during Chanukah, and saw nothing Chanukah-related in their decorations or parades.

7

My favorite part of Chanukah are the latkes, of course! And the light that’s brought into the darkest part of the year. Living in NYC it’s nice to see the many menorahs in the windows. I think it’s different when you don’t have a car and you walk most places. When my kids were small, as we came home from day care in the dark at 5 pm, they’d pass the multiple windows of menorahs, often with real candles (not the electric ones) and tin foil below for safety and to catch wax drips. For them all the sparkle of the tin foil and the lovely flames added to the wonder of the holiday; the menorahs lit our way as we made our way through winter darkness. That made getting home and lighting our own menorah for the evening that much more special.

8

Lovely idea of walking past the windows with menorahs!

We never ever had dealt with adult to adult or child to adult gifts - one relative did like to give everyone some gelt (real silver dollars). But when my brother’s kids hit elementary school, apparently we all had to start giving each other gifts. What a pain! Some of my gifts from the kids were clearly regifted or purchased at a school event. For a few years my mom did a grab bag since she enjoyed browsing the stores- we all picked one gift then could start trading. Her last grab bag was actually tchatchkes from around her condo that she thought each of us would like since she couldn’t get out to the stores. Then I did a grab bag the next year since she was having health problems and we knew we would be moving. We didn’t know it was her last Chanukah so I’m glad to have kept up her tradition for that one last celebration.

In our old suburbs, there was almost no recognition of Chanukah in the stores or it was lumped with Kwanzaa. One year I was hitting the groceries looking for chocolate gelt and stopped in at a Jewel (Chicagoans know it). I asked at the information desk where their Chanukah display was. The woman yelled over to another clerk - “Do we have a Chanukah display?” The other clerk replied, “Heineken?” “Never mind,” I said.

While shopping in Home Goods the other day, I was delighted to see a whole island of Chanukah items near the entrance. So I bought a number of items to reward the store for the display.

9

We did a low-key Chanukah when I was growing up. A couple of small gifts, the menorah, and latkes. No decorations. But then, Christmas was lower-key back then, too; Santa didn’t show up anywhere until we saw him at the end of the Thanksgiving Day parade.

I did miss Christmas; I loved the beauty and the music. I’d stay up and watch midnight Mass on TV. And I’m a Chanukah baby, so that was tough, too. Relatives always said that they were giving me a “bigger” gift for my birthday and Chanukah, but they never really did. My brother is a July baby, and he held it over me that by the time he was tired of his Chanukah presents, he got his birthday presents. And friends and family suffered from “party fatigue.”

My husband and I are both Jewish. We did more when my d was little. Decorations, menorahs (several), gifts for 8 days (but still smaller than her friends’ Christmas presents). We are in a Jewish area, so that wasn’t a problem. I remember when she asked to sit on Santa’s lap once, so she did. It was in a restaurant, and the Santa was maybe 18. She sat on his lap, he asked her what she wanted for Christmas. She said, “We don’t have Christmas; we’re Jewish.” The look on his face - a reindeer in the headlights! I suggested she tell him what she wanted for Chanukah, and all was good.

Now, she says she loves Christmas (her roommate has a tree), “if it weren’t for all that Jesus stuff.”

10

Oh, and if you are traveling on Chanukah and still want to celebrate, there’s an app (of course!) called Light My Fire that allows you to choose a menorah, and light a candle each night.

11

I’m so burned out after the fall Jewish holidays that I welcome not having to do much for Chanukah. Our present-giving is minimal; now with the D’s we go for experiences like travel and fancy restaurant meals rather than tchotchkes or sweaters.

I love that we can be Christmas “tourists”, for lack of a better word, without the burden of having to put in any work to entertain, let alone having to go present shopping. Love going to see light displays, helping friends to decorate their trees, rereading Christmas Carol, watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”, etc etc etc.

12

I grew up in a not-so-observant Jewish household, but we pretty much held the line on no Christmas celebration, at least in the home. No tree, no decorations. I went to schools that were overwhelmingly WASPy, where I learned all of the words and all of the tunes to all of the Christmas carols, and I loved to sing them, but not at home. We lit our menorah (just one) every night, did the blessings and sang Ma Ozur, and our parents gave us a present every night, some big and some not. There was always a big extended-family party on Saturday or Sunday during Hanukah, originally with gifts from every family to every child, but over time that morphed into round-robin giving, and also dreidel playing and chocolate gelt.

My wife, though ethnically Jewish on both sides, grew up as a Unitarian – her father’s employer had an unwritten policy of not tolerating Jews in management positions, and another unwritten policy of tolerating a very high number of Unitarians with German- or Eastern European-sounding names in management. So her whole family celebrated Christmas. While our children were growing up, we always visited my mother-in-law or one of my sisters-in-law over Christmas – no conflict with my family, they weren’t doing anything! My kids got something like a full-on Christmas celebration, just not in their house. At home, we observed Hanukah much as my family had, except we had two or three menorahs going, and we didn’t give them presents every night. We always had a big Hanukah party with our Jewish friends with round-robin gifts drawn at random a few weeks before. Latkes were made, both at the large party and on at least one other night during the holiday.

Since my kids left home, we barely acknowledge Hanukah. We probably average four nights of candle lighting per year, and it’s rare that we get the candles lit before 9 or 10 pm. I have always been something of a Hanukah dissenter anyway. I don’t like the way it gets presented to Jewish children as their version of Christmas, and I have always felt uncomfortable with celebrating how an army of rural, Taliban-like fundamentalist zealots defeated and abased the assimilated Jews like me. And the miracle of the oil seems awfully sketchy – there was no oil in a travel radius that probably included Cairo and Damascus? Not my idea of a great holiday.

My kids, both partnered with non-Jews, are reveling in the guilty pleasure of bringing Christmas decorations into their homes. Finally!

13

I was raised in a very Jewish environment in Brooklyn. We did candles, Hebrew school holiday parties, gifts each night, latkes, etc. But we also went to see the Christmas and Easter shows in Radio City Music Hall, the tree at Rockefeller Center, holiday windows and holiday lights in Dyker Heights 50 years ago before it became a touristy thing to do.

We now live in a very Jewish suburb of NYC, so my children were raised with similar traditions. I would say that the biggest difference is that my children have more non-Jewish friends than I did growing up, so they were included in friend’s holiday traditions. So they have experienced tree-decorating and caroling first hand. Our school district has included all traditions in holiday programs, so my children never felt like they were missing out.

On some level, I long for the holiday tree and all that goes with it, because Christmas decorations are so darn beautiful. I know my D’s feel the same, but they have chosen on their own to celebrate and decorate for Hanukkah only.

In the last few years, since they have moved out of our suburban home to Manhattan, I tend to go shopping with them on Thanksgiving weekend rather than have gift-giving around the menorah for 8 days. But we do try to see each other for at least one night to share latkes and candle lighting if possible.

14

When I was 14, we went to Grossinger’s Resort during the holidays. I made friends with Jenny Grossinger’s grandson, who invited me to their home at the resort to see their “Chanukah bush”. I told him it was a Christmas Tree 8-| . I say if you want to celebrate Christmas, just call it Christmas. I admit I do have several strings of little white lights that now live year round on our gazebo. But hey - Festival of Lights!

As @SlitheyTove says, it’s fun to be a Christmas tourist!

15

When I was a kid we celebrated Chanukah by lighting the menorah and minimal token gifts. My mother’s relatives all had mixed families and so we would go there to see their trees and would drive around to look at the decorated houses. We always went to the city to see the department store windows and the tree.When my kids were little we made it a bigger holiday with decorations, gift every night but maybe one big one and 7 little ones. I was on the PTA Board at Hebrew School in addition to elementary school and so I was always involved in the Hebrew school events and activities. DH grew up Orthodox so Chanukah was even simpler as it is a minor historical holiday. They had latkes and lit menorahs, no gift giving except for maybe a quarter or a dollar bill. When my kids were little and my father-in-law was still alive we would get to drive through Dyker Heights on the way to see him in Borough Park and so they would get to see all those holiday decorations. As grown-ups, older d and her boyfriend who isn’t Jewish always light menorah and have a Chanukah party with friends. They usually travel to his family for Christmas. Younger d is not dating anyone now but she always lights menorah and has latkes with friends. She used to go previous non-Jewish boyfriend’s house for Christmas.
Best new tradition we have is that everyone enjoyed when we brought latkes for the annual Thanksgiving gathering with friends when it was Thanksgivingukkah a few years ago and so we have kept up that tradition.

16

I converted from Catholicism before DH and I were married, so we have always observed just Hanukkah. I tend to buy things for the guys year-round, so we didn’t go heavy on gifts, either. DH grew up Jewish (conservative) in the Bronx. He dissents from the Lubavitcher position that a hanukkiah should be lit in public places alongside a Christmas tree. It really is a minor holiday. He and S2 make latkes, we get chocolate gelt, I put out the dreidels and hang my Shalom dove flag on the front porch. We use three menorahs – one that I bought when I was studying to convert, and the other two that S1 & S2 made when they attended a Jewish preschool/kindergarten. One menorah was made with a block of wood, the other a piece of tile. The candle holders are spent Israeli bullet casings glued on and then the guys painted the base. I never had the heart to go out a buy an “art” menorah when this was one of the few times my kids ever did crafts (which, as a crafty person, kills me – it just not their thing).

We are not terribly observant, but I don’t know that my kids know any Christmas songs. Will have to ask them.

The rest of my family celebrates Christmas, so when we are down there we participate in a gift exchange. After almost 35 years, it still feels awkward. There is a Chinese restaurant in Augusta, GA that’s open in December 25th, so we have made that a tradition. My birthday and our anniversary also fall in the same week as 12/25 (what was I thinking?!?) and often intersects with Hanukkah, so it’s mostly a jumble.

The one thing I wanted when I was a kid was lights in the windows. Because we lived in military housing and because of the electric bill, that didn’t happen. I always swore I’d have holiday lights in my window as an adult. Little did I know the lights would be candles in a menorah! We set up all three menorahs facing out the kitchen window. We live in a county with a decent sized Jewish community, but our neighborhood does not have many Jewish families.

Gifts? S1 doesn’t want anything and has $$ to buy whatever he wants. I sometimes get him new jeans and socks because otherwise he’d never think about replacing them. I get S2 a couple tickets to Caps hockey games.

S1 is agnostic these days, but asks for hamentaschen around Purim and always went to the latke/hamentaschen debate at Chicago while he was there. S2 is more participatory, esp when it comes to Jewish cooking.

@bookmama22, we always go to DH’s brother’s in NJ for Thanksgiving and Passover, so we made latkes for Thanksgivukkah, too. Better than mashed potatoes!

17

Tutu mom reminded me of something. My parents let me dance in The Nutcracker several years. I loved the costumes and the make-up and being around the professionals. I nver thought about the hours my mom spent driving me to downtown Philly for rehearsals.

18

Not to mention all those hours spent watching The Nutcracker, rehearsals and performances!

When my daughter finally quit ballet, and the daughters of our close friends aged out of it, not having to watch The Nutcracker again (and again, and again) was pure joy! It’s probably been 12 years or more since my last Nutcracker, and I am not even remotely tempted to go see it again.