Yes, drinking and sex happen on all campuses, but it’s also true that there are some schools where that is not the main source of social life. My daughter went to a women’s college. The only really trashy parties were off campus at other schools, or the one notorious “mixer” held in the fall.
My son is at a small midwestern LAC and has managed to make friends without being part of a party scene. He joined the badminton club, a Dungeons and Dragons group, and the Christian fellowship. He had a great roommate his first two years and now has a single. He did go to a badminton club party a few weeks ago where alcohol was served, but felt perfectly fine not getting drunk, because no one else did either.
I don’t think this is about trusting your kid as much as it is about your kid finding a school where there is a high likelihood of finding people who share her values. But do keep in mind that values change during college, as they should.
It turns out that non Christians can also have children that don’t drink and aren’t interested in a party scene as well. I actually think it’s a positive for young adults to be in the mix with people from other demographics and countries. I would be thrilled if my kids invited a student from another country home.
I think you’re definitely kidding yourselves if you think the general party atmosphere is worse at a public than many private schools. Sometimes the schools that attract more affluent kids can be worse if those kids have more money to throw around on the weekends. Public colleges attract a wide variety of students and backgrounds. Looking at something like an honors program/dorm can help a student find a meaningful peer group faster. Sometimes feeling things out the first year can be rough. But that can be true at any school except possibly the most conservative religious schools.
@LeastComplicated I appreciated #35’s honesty, although her post shocked me a bit, too. Everyone has to start somewhere, right?
I didn’t ever think of myself as a racist until we went on a college tour of a large university that we wanted our D to consider. But when I saw that our tour guide was of Indian descent, my first thought was “Oh great, they sent us an engineering major. Now she’ll think this is just a STEM school.” I was absolutely mortified and ashamed of my thought when the guy announced that he was majoring in history. But that whole experience reminded me not to see anyone as a member of a group, but as an individual made in the divine image.
College is about finding your niche and your friend groups. Public, private, large, small, etc. Great opportunity for kids to learn who they are and not just go with the flow (as in high school). Most kids on campus are busy doing their thing and don’t pass judgement on others doing the same. Thanks to the various clubs and social groups available, it’s pretty easy to find like minded people who don’t base their enjoyment on big time partying, even at party schools. I think it’s a big part of the learning experience.
Right there with you @Gatormama ! Mr. InfiniteWaves and I attended an academically rigorous, private Catholic college 25 years ago and there was a lot of non-Catholic, “trashy” behavior going on there back then. And I’m assuming there still is. At a lot of different colleges. Young adults in college are gonna do what young adults in college are gonna do. Or not do as the case may be.
To offer a different viewpoint, my kids will decide if they are ready to live on campus and which schools seem like a good fit for them. And they will manage their own reactions to the world-at-large. Not me. Honoring one’s preferences and seeking out like-minded folks is a great life lesson–one that can only be learned through direct, personal experience. I can support them on the journey and offer encouragement, but the road will be theirs to travel on.
Many schools have “wellness” housing for substance-free living. Schools have quiet floors. And the “non-trashy” students are usually able to find each other and focus on other extra-curricular activities. Perhaps some research into which schools have these options will help put you at ease.
My daughter during her time at college drank. You know what else she did? Maintained a high GPA, joined a service sorority, volunteered at a Cat shelter. Took a kid she barely knew to an inner city ER and waited all night for her in the waiting room.
She got into several grad programs (including an IVY) . I don’t think of her as TRASHY at all.
You know what I think of as trashy? People who look at others with a cold judgmental heart.
The bad news – at least as far as this thread is concerned–is that there’s no correlation between the amount of money you can afford to pay for tuition and class.
My D had great luck with her substance free housing for the first two years. She is now in an apartment with like-minded students who, when they do partake, do so maturely and with respect to others. The substance free dorms also provided a much quieter atmosphere for studying so that going to the library wasn’t always necessary.
I actually think that the OP is one of the marketing majors from post #26 trying out a viral marketing campaign on their new line of Trashy dorm room accessories.
Cost does not correlate with behavior. The definition of “trashy” behavior varies. I think of litter and literal trash, poor student upkeep. Breaking rules regarding drinking et al is NOT trashy.
There’s also no correlation with moral/ethical behavior and being religious given the indiscretions publicized in the media. Atheists are just like their believer counterparts- a diverse lot.
As serious students my honors chemistry friends and I were night owls and did not drink. I do not find the correlation from an earlier post about bedtime and behavior to be true elsewhere.
OP- by now you have either instilled your value set/religion/et al in your child or not. S/he will determine which ones to keep and which to discard. Don’t be so worried. Exposure to the outside world is an excellent thing- it either reaffirms one’s beliefs or lets one question them (don’t forget- somewhere in your ancestry someone broke from the family ways- immigration and the religion you chose did not exist forever).
Keeping an adult child from moving to a dorm to avoid the world/shelter them is a poor idea. Allowing them to learn about others’ behaviors may be the reason they choose to never do that experiment.
Most college students are good kids, regardless of their religious or political views. Most will try things, especially the first month or two. Others will observe consequences and not do it (eg goody two shoes, rules observers like me).
Dorms have rules for all and for roommates to preserve rights. Public U’s have self sustaining dorms- no tax dollars used, the residents pay for the maintenance et al. btw- even though part of UW, Res Halls and it do not communicate with each other about much- such as cancellations for attending and dorm need separate notifications. Parents (and students) be aware of this when wanting any deposits returned by a given date- don’t assume telling one tells the other.
@veruca I think I have a little crush on you. Haha! In all seriousness, you nailed the answer. College is a great time to have your norms and beliefs tested and figure out the person you are. As parents we do our best to instill values in our kids and hope when the time comes they simply do stupid things and not idiotic things. (I’m trying to impart this lesson my on 17 year old right now…with only minimal success so far.
And I’m still waiting for the person who claimed that schools in the South and West drink less to put forth the data to support this assumption.
I would tell you this. Sounds like Indiana and you have lots of options in that state. From IU and Purdon’t, to DaPauw and Wabash. And everything in between. Now if your talking about the two BIG10 public schools, they are both pretty good academically and quite reasonable for instate students. So you have that going for you.
I would not have the kid stay at home. The first year is key to getting acclimated to college life and cutting the cord with mom and dad. My neighbor sent both kids less than 1 hour away to local schools, with no car, and told them “we’ll see you at Thanksgiving.” They never came home, ever, except for the holidays and breaks.
As for trashy behavior, your kid will need to lean how to deal with it (however you define it). It’s not like it is the wild west in the dorms. There are rules and reasonable supervision. Like others say, you can look for floors that may be more like minded students. But in any group setting, you’ll have everything from A to Z. We had everything from Tony Montana to Mary Poppins. That’s just life. Good luck.
http://www.indiana.edu/~engs/articles/jade.htm table 5 and 6 indicate that college students in the west and south are more likely to abstain from alcohol (about a third, versus about a fifth for northeast and northcentral), and those who do drink have lower average consumption.
It does not say why there is a lower drinking tendency in the west and south.
My daughter attends school in the south and we were told at orientation that 33% of students never drink. My D does not drink… but she does have some friends who occasionally drink … responsibly … and none of this has ever been an issue. They may go out to dinner- some may have a drink, others may not. They may go to a small gathering where some may drink, others may not. I am actually happy that my D has learned how to navigate these situations successfully and comfortably. I am sure there are casual hookups at her school… they happen at every school. It is up to each individual to make wise choices- we can’t shield them from everything… we can only educate them.
A “cheap” school has nothing to do with this. Whether you spend $70,000 or $15,000 a year… it’s still a lot of money and the tuition we all pay has little to do with the behaviors of the students attending. My D is not a partier… Never was… she prefers other activities… and the cost of the school would not change that.
And my D… being OOS… likely pays more. Does this mean that the instate students are “trashier” because they pay less? Makes no sense.
By “trashy” behavior do you mean sex? Or do you mean drinking? I am pretty sure that young adults have been finding ways to have sex LONG before college dorms existed and will continue to do so. And I am pretty sure MOST of the parents on CC engaged in those behaviors. So it might be more polite to not start off by calling most of us “trashy.”
What is the concern? That she would be influenced by their behavior to also have sex and drink? Or that she would be subject to knowing that other people are having sex and drinking?
I hate to break it to you but like many people above stated, the people that came out of homes where sex and drinking were taboo - were the people who undertook those activities most eagerly when getting to college.
She can find her tribe at ANY college or university in the country. She can seek out like-minded friends. She can form relationships with people from similar backgrounds.
As far as freshman dorms are concerned - apart from substance free dorms check out Honor’s dorms, special housing options (single-sex dorms),etc.
You have been preparing her to go out in the world and make her decisions for herself for 17 years…time to see how she does.
“What is the concern? That she would be influenced by their behavior to also have sex and drink? Or that she would be subject to knowing that other people are having sex and drinking?”
I see a third possibility: that her quiet enjoyment of her personal space would be ruined by other students’ selfish and stupid actions.
It’s not clear what the OP’s concern is. But that third issue is a big one for me, and I am neither conservative nor religious.
Remember that at many large flagships, mostly freshmen live in dorms and only freshmen. There just isn’t enough room for upperclassmen. And yes they get out of control too, but many search out their parties with older students off campus, at Greek housing, at age appropriate bars (may schools in the south are in towns that let 18 year olds into the clubs ‘but they can’t drink.’ Right)
