Thanks everybody for your replies - - they have been very helpful to read over. I realize my post was a bit unclear - - and probably shouldn’t have used the word “trashy”. I sincerely apologize, especially if you read that as applying to people themselves, rather than occasional student behaviors. I think “risky” is more the word I was looking for.
I realize that DD will at times drink / party / whatever, but my question was more about how overt, and unavoidable these things were going to be in the average state school dorm. I didn’t mean to ask for comparisons between public and private schools, because I realize those behaviors are going on everywhere, I am just trying to figure out what the living situation is likely to be if she goes to an in-state public school. Thanks to all of you who got what I meant - - especially the lengthy answers from the Purdue folks. That really does help a lot! I appreciate it!
@chippedtoof Binge drinking is one of the highest percentages at Colorado State U, Fort Collins
and I have heard Dakotas and parts of rural Minnesota, binge drinking is very high. Vanderbilt U
in Nashville TN, sort of south, , but not deep south, had one of the worst fraternity drinking problems
among private colleges. They finally took to giving incoming freshman PARENTS lectures
about alcohol consumption at this fine private school! Drugs are way less in some southern public schools, but not drinking.
Think moonshine, Tennessee Whiskey, etc.
For OP @Josie5 Have you considered schools with single sex dorms, or substance free dorms, for your daughter?
I do believe schools like Baylor University, which ask students to sign behavior pledges could suit
the original poster’s daughter. There are many Christian schools out there, such as Pepperdine U in Los Angeles
that have behavior pledges. They tend to be Protestant schools, not Roman Catholic ones, but
a few Roman Catholic schools in Kansas are very strict too. Notre Dame in Indiana, has some stricter rules
than other college dorms, and single sex dorms.
The original poster may want to explore the very good scholarships at private Christian schools with behavior pledges like Baylor University in Waco Texas.
U of Tulsa, a private school in Oklahoma, also attracts a more conservative set of students, mostly Roman Catholic
and Protestant. I am not familiar with dorm options there.
Also, look for substance free dorms, U of Denver, a private school in Denver, offers those.
It will really all depend on the student and her ability and willingness to walk away from what she defines as trouble. People pleaser vs. good sense of self. The student has to want the lifestyle, otherwise there will probably be rebellion.
Conservative christian mom here. I’m just chiming in to say that I have worked extensively with students at both public and private schools. My own kids have been students in both christian and public schools. I am here to tell you that TEENAGERS ARE TEENAGERS.
I promise you, conservative christian kids are just like other kids - they may appear “less risky” as they come across as nice, wholesome kids from lovely families with values similar to yours. These very same kids are also drinking, going to youth group, sexting, having sex, doing charity work, getting abortions, experimenting with their sexual orientation, praying, using drugs, selling drugs, going on missions trips, cheating on tests, shoplifting, driving drunk…you name it.
“I promise you, conservative christian kids are just like other kids - they may appear “less risky” as they come across as nice, wholesome kids from lovely families with values similar to yours. These very same kids are also drinking, going to youth group, sexting, having sex, doing charity work, getting abortions, experimenting with their sexual orientation, praying, using drugs, selling drugs, going on missions trips, cheating on tests, shoplifting, driving drunk…you name it.”
Yeah - - I get that. I am just trying to assess how much of that is going on in a public university dorm, and would be unavoidable by the kids who prefer not to partake. Thanks.
If you are questioning specific instate public universities, it may be a good idea to speak to students who attend. We can tell you that these behaviors happen to some degree in all schools… but you will only get details about specific schools from those who attend those particular schools.
I will tell you that kids who prefer not to participate… don’t have to… regardless of how much partying goes on. And… those who want to party … will find a way. And… there will always be kids who prefer not to participate… but sometimes do anyway.
“how much of that is going on in a public university dorm, and would be unavoidable by the kids who prefer not to partake.”
While it is true that you can find a party and avoid a party at any school, the variations from school to school and dorm to dorm are significant. I agree that talking to current students is a smart plan.
I think people have only spoken about public vs. private because you keep mentioning that you are asking about average public schools. They are making the point that whether it is public or not really makes no difference. For the most part, teenagers are teenagers, and dorms are dorms where kids of all kinds share cramped living spaces with 2 and sometimes 3 to a room. You’re going to find risky behavior at every school from the top 20-25 to your average state school dorm. You may find it driven underground at some conservative Christian colleges, but it still exists - just as it does at top boarding schools. That said, it’s certainly avoidable by kids who choose not to partake.
Wait. That WAS the true college experience for some of us. A dorm room is not the best place to study. There are simply too many distractions in buildings housing dozens to hundreds of students in cramped quarters. To get any serious studying done, the best places are campus libraries OR study rooms found in many dorms IMO.
As someone who was (very personally conservative in college it really wasn’t an issue even though I lived in a big party dorm. I had zero interest in the partying, drinking, pot smoking etc… and no one made me feel like I had to participate in any of that stuff.
Funny story: My freshman year roomate was a religiously and personally conservative girl who, she later admitted called her parents crying after our first night together because I told her I was an atheist. She was sure this meant I’d be " wild" and, I don’t know, try to corrupt her or something. She was shocked that I didn’t party or drink or have any interest in casual sex. When I told her I was volunteering at at a shelter she really questioned me hard about why doing " good deeds" was important to me if I didn’t believe in God. It was quite an experience for both of us!
honestly when i read OP i did not get the sense of not trusting her daughter, but rather avoiding an environment that might put her at risk for being raped or sexually assaulted. maybe i read too much into it. and i think we can all agree that sexual assault is trashy behavior, to say the least
I don’t think the OP was suggesting that drinking or sex, per se was trashy. But as in all things, there are limits for good taste and polite behavior generally observed in society not always present in dorms. Hence the need for some caution and discretion. For example, please keep all your bodily fluids to yourself unless you receive consent otherwise. Please do not engage in sexual activity, including oral sex or masturbation, in public areas. Please avoid becoming so inebriated that you present a danger to yourself or others, or if so, make prior arrangements for a caretaker to move your passed out body out of the way of others. Pretty basic things that Most sane people would agree to that are surpringly often not present in dorms.
Agree that dorm rooms are often less than ideal for studying. I was in a quad my freshman year. My floor was quieter than average but with 3 other people in the room, I went to the library a lot.
It never occured to me that I wasn’t getting my money’s worth.
It’s easy enough to avoid “party” schools if you want; there are a ton of lists out there. But that doesn’t ultimately prevent you from the possibility of being exposed to partying, and it’s ridiculous to think a certain “type” of people are less likely to drink. Your daughter will be herself and not drink if she doesn’t want to. She will find non-drinking friends if she wants to, or she will have friends who drink on weekends and she will find other things to do then, as one of my daughters does.
In general, as mentioned above, most kids study best out of the dorm room. My observation is that even at the most expensive schools, the desks tend to be small and/or uncomfortable and/or inefficient and are used mostly for storage.
“Please do not engage in sexual activity, including oral sex or masturbation, in public areas. Please avoid becoming so inebriated that you present a danger to yourself or others, or if so, make prior arrangements for a caretaker to move your passed out body out of the way of others.”
Yes, and: if other students are having sexual experiences in respectfully arranged private spaces, do not gather your friends to listen at the door, or set up a webcam, or email everyone to say that Jenny is losing her virginity tonight, etc.
That point was made in the book Paying for the Party (based on girls at a dorm at IU-B). The story of the less wealthy girls who wound up in the party-before-we-all-move-to-a-top-sorority dorm painted a vivid picture of the effects of that one mistake - the girls didn’t know THAT was the nature of the dorm they were getting, nor did they know how to avoid it.
If your daughter (and you) want to try to avoid some of the worst partying behaviors, avoid colleges with a high percentage of Greek life. Yes, I am generalizing, but there tends to be a lot more heavy partying at schools with a lot of greek life.
There are a ton of people on CC whose kids are not into partying. I think your kid will be drawn to others who aren’t interested in partying, but they will probably stil experiment. My daughter chose a school with no Greek life at all because she wanted to avoid excessive partying, but kids do still party. Her group of friends are not partiers, but my daughter has told me they do drink sometimes. I’m ok with that. She’s going to make the Dean’s List again, which makes me happy, and she’s happy at her school, which also makes me happy.
But the partying doesn’t take place in the sorority houses. They are nice and clean, usually have a piano in the living room, have rules about noise and alcohol and sometimes even food in the rooms.
My daughter lives in a sorority house and has none of the problems people complain about all the time here on CC - no bad roommate, no boys sleeping over, no loud music, no dirty bathrooms, no roommate forgetting to lock the doors, etc. It is a lot cheaper than the dorms were.
Both my kids need a tremendous amount of sleep so picked their college housing based on that. My other daughter is an athlete and when she did live in the dorms was usually in bed by 9 because she had to be at lifting and conditioning at 5 am. She now lives in a house rented with other athletes. They are still in bed by 9 or 10, and I don’t think they’ve ever had a party at their house. My daughter’s big wild partying last year was Sunday night football at her boyfriend’s house where there was beer (the boyfriend and all his roommates were over 21). My daughter was often doing homework during the game or would leave early unless Aaron Rogers was playing.
I lived in an all girls dorm on purpose when I went to University. Many of my peers thought I had lost my mind. I assure you I still met boys and went to plenty of parties, but my ‘home base’ was mostly quiet and neat in comparison to the co-ed dorms on campus.