I was not at all offended by the word “trashy.” There is trashy stuff that goes on in dorms that would not go on in civilized society. For example, my son’s dorm has had several emergency meetings because someone was repeatedly pooping in a shower stall and leaving it there. The RA of my daughter’s first year dorm had to caution a girl not to masturbate loudly while her roommate was present.
It is not pooping or having sex that are trashy, it is when and where one does these things. Not respecting your fellow students’ right to live in a space free of your poop, vomit, and unnecessarily loud sounds is trashy.
And yes, any school has its share of trashy behavior, but I’ve no doubt that some have larger shares than others, and that this has nothing to do with the cost of the school. In my experience, entitled kids behave worse than others.
Anyone else amused by the photo on this website accompanying the highlight of this thread-the one that looks like JCrew models at a house in Nantucket?
“If your daughter (and you) want to try to avoid some of the worst partying behaviors, avoid colleges with a high percentage of Greek life. Yes, I am generalizing, but there tends to be a lot more heavy partying at schools with a lot of greek life.”
I don’t think you have to avoid schools with Greek Liife, you just have to know where to live at school that have a big emphasis. For example at U of Michigan, I would immediately suggest that the OP’s daughter choose one of the alll women’s dorms. They are lovely places, quiet and a great place to meet people who don’t want to party (though there are girls in the dorm who do, just outside of it.) In fact the presense of that community could make the U of M an affirmative draw for the OP’s kid. Another possibility depending on her interest would be the residential college.
OP – just buy yourself a copy of The Five Year Party. That book basically hones in on what you are worried about and gives some handy suggestions about how to address/minimize those concerns.
Part of the trick might be in avoiding those schools that have too many of the risk factors – large size, high frat influence, rural location, low student selectivity and academic seriousness, etc. Not all of those schools are the stereotype Big State Us, but plenty of those Big State Us absolutely deserve that reputation.
As important (or perhaps more important) is focusing on the “school within the school” that your kid would be most tied into and living in. Students living in the STEM dorm or the Honors dorm or the female single sex dorm may spend most of their time in a very different milieu than many other students at that same university.
My daughter went to a top ten party school, but it was smaller, private, not an isolated rural location, relatively selective, serious academically, and had a pretty modest greek influence. She had tons and tons of fun. But the overall situation (despite its high party school rank) was pretty reasonable as compared to some other wacko colleges I’ve seen.
She also lived in the all female “girl power” dorm frosh year which was a great idea. Plenty of access to fun, but she never had to live in the party site. As the saying goes, she didn’t poop in her own backyard. She could return at any time to a reasonable, quiet, clean and safe place.
OP- thank you for reading all of the posts and giving your clarification.
Regarding Greek life- those may/may not be on the radar but UW-Madison, a top tier U has a very low (+/- 10 %) participation but has made top party school lists. It is even said “study hard, party hard”- although some of us were boring in the latter.
Hopefully from all of these posts you will learn that stereotypes do not tell the picture. I like to think of the tale about the blind men and the elephant- depending on who you talk to/what you see in media you will get entirely different visions of a school.
Now is the time to have your D choose a college based on academic, financial, social, cultural, et al fit. Once she has been accepted and plans to attend she will figure out dorm options. That’s when you find out dorm X has thus and such reputation, etc. Again, if she gets dorm X she will find the stereotype does not fit all students living there.
I loved hearing the post about being an atheist with a religious roommate. That’s why I commented on ethics/morals a long time ago. Some of the nicest people I know are- fill in the blank.
I’m LOLing so hard at this thread. Your child will make their own choices on if he or she decides to drink or not and how much, with whom, etc. I don’t necessarily think that drinking = crummy dorms or rampant, bad behavior but if someone wants to avoid the drinking in college, all they have to do is not drink. Pretty simple. It is very rare that anyone would pressure them to drink.
But also, please don’t think you can protect your child from bad decisions or behavior you think is unacceptable. It’s impossible and it could encourage them to do the opposite.
OP I had discussions about responsible behavior starting early on… these discussions initially focused on looking both ways before crossing the street, not talking to strangers, always wear a helmet and seatbelt… etc…as they got older these discussions started to include … don’t get in the car with anybody who is drinking- take their keys and I will come get everybody, if you choose to drink it needs to be responsible… and illegal under 21 … but drinking does happen and it needs to be discussed … to keep them all safe… also had conversations about sex, STDs, birth control , don’t walk alone late at night …etc… I told them my feelings but recognized that they will be making their own choices and my goal was to keep them healthy once they went away. These discussions were a way of life… not necessararily at a restaurant with my mother-in-law present…Oy… but throughout the day … week… month…year… when the time and place were appropriate. These conversations were commonplace in my house.
My extended family consists of different religions, races, sexual orientations and political views. OP you stated that you are a Christian conservative and I respect that 100%. My immediate family is not Christian nor conservative… but at the end of the day we all want the same thing- to raise happy, healthy, productive kids who make wise decisions.
Both of my kids attended public colleges- one is still a college student and the other will be completing her graduate degree shortly. If you met them… you would see that they are polite, respectful, intelligent, driven etc young ladies. My D who is stil an undergrad does not drink at all, and she is not sexually active…but she has the knowledge if and when it happens. In the meantime she has a 4.0 in a very good public university and has held several responsible research positions. The two years she spent in the dorm were pretty quiet… I assume there was some drinking but nothing too gross or noisy that made her complain… and she would… loudly and often… if it was problematic.
I don’t mean to rant or place my beliefs on others. We all want the best for our kids… but we all have different ways of getting them there. It is time to trust your daughter.
I trust my daughter just fine, as I’m sure OP does as well. I just never wanted her to have to climb over vomit pools,nor does she wish to. This has nothing to do with religion or conservatism or beliefs about premarital sex; it has to do with the horrifyingly low standards of behavior in some dorms, which imposes on the rights of others It is not normal behavior in adult life to offer blow jobs in the hall, and I really don’t blame OP for trying to avoid it; please don’t pretend it is just a matter of differing parenting styles.
It is not a matter of different parenting styles… that was my entire point… everybody has different beliefs and different ways of raising their kids… but we all have the same goals. I do not pretend or think that it’s entirely a matter of parenting… I would never judge like that. Nobody wants to step over pools of vomit… that’s gross and should not happen.
When I first read this thread I got the impression that the OP feels that… those of us whose kids attend public schools and may possibly lean more liberal in our beliefs…have kids who might exhibit trashy behavior. That’s not true and if I misunderstood… I apologize.
These behaviors happen all over… rich, poor, Public, private, blue, red, Catholic, Jewish, all parenting styles etc.
“It has to do with the horrifyingly low standards of behavior in some dorms, which imposes on the rights of others It is not normal behavior in adult life to offer blow jobs in the hall,”
Dang. Wish I knew where that dorm was when I was in school.
I think we are getting a very skewed picture of dorm life. I think most of this is based on urban legend. After the direst week of school, most dorms are insanely boring.
H and I went to college back in the “wild” no holds barred 1970’s. Our kids went to college in the early-late 2000’s-teens.
It seems like the most “shocking” thing any of us ever saw was dozens of kids who did not put the cap back on the toothpaste tube, or failed to replace the toilet paper when they used it up.
Blow jobs in the halls?
Wow.
OP- I don’t think this is normative college behavior at all. I had a roommate who was depressed and suicidal but she was quiet, slept a lot, and the most shocking thing she did was miss Mass one week and she begged me not to tell her parents (why would I tell her parents?) And this was at a college with a reputation (both then and now) for MAJOR weed/crunchy granola sex drugs and rock and roll.
I think you are getting a very skewed picture of dorm life from these posts and from folks you know in real life.
