That’s right. Some schools have wilder cultures than others, but whether they are public schools or not isn’t a good predictor.
None of that’s true though lol.
My baseline in looking at college dorms was that I did not want my child to have to experience a roommate bringing a date home for overnight visits. This was a family choice, I realize others choose differently, and not just a religious choice, but a comfort and possibly a safety issue. (What if roommate has lousy choice in men? What if roommate leaves early for class and BF stays in bed, alone in the room with my D? )
It is fine not to drink, but what if roommate wants to have the drinking party in the dorm room? Does student just get kicked out? Does student have to deal with the smells, the noise, the possible throwing up in the middle of the night that someone has to clean up?
Each family gets to prioritize what is important for them in choosing a college. Dorm life is half of that equation, so I think it is important to include that as a consideration. Off campus housing is sometimes an option, but you may be required to live on campus for at least the first year.
Living on campus has some great benefits, so don’t automatically discount it. Keep researching, lots of campus visits, finding a trusted roommate and asking like-minded folks where their kids attended are some avenues to explore.
Good luck to you!
All schools have this… ^… with some having it more than others. This is why it’s important to choose a roommate wisely and make every attempt to discuss these things before solidifying the choice of roommate.
I was at Starbucks recently and overheard two students who attend xxx top private university talking about the parties at their school… which was all about drinking and hookups. Happens all over.
Whoa, powercropper. It is no longer up to YOU to decide things for your going to be an adult in college child. You spent your time instilling values in your child- and hers may/may not line up with yours. Actually, the roommate is not as important as the student knowing when to set boundaries. She never has to allow a roommate to have an evening, much less overnight, guest preventing her from using the room. Never a need to let a roommate do such. Tough luck to the couple. My experience- got along with random roommates (my college friends wanted dorms I disliked) and did not need to be their friends.
Frankly, it would be good for your D to be exposed to situations and make her own decisions. She should have your beliefs/values/et al challenged away from home. She may reject some and you likely will be surprised at how she embraces most of yours. I presume you raised your D with an internal locus of control who can stand up for herself and say no to behaviors.
A huge part of going away to school is learning about the way others do things and learning your core values. It does not matter what even a majority does, you choose your own path. New freshmen are experiencing freedom from parents for the first time. It is excellent to see others and consequences while in the dorms instead of being naive until later without the support of the college community.
I would not worry that much about roommate choices. Sometimes the best friends turn out to be the worst roommate choices. All students grow and change during college. The early riser from a farm may mellow out with college life among her ag friends like one of mine did. The teetotaler may experiment. You learn tolerance- such as for the roommate who blankets her share of the room with posters while you prefer a more minimalist approach… (like living with a sister who seems to think the entire dresser top needs to be filled).
@wis75 my D has graduated from college, and she was part of that “family choice” I was speaking of. We supported HER desires for living in a dorm, and researched options for her to choose from.
(I reread my post, and apologize for using I pronouns when I meant WE.) My part of the process was to do the research, at my D’s request. I had the time and energy to research, and she just wanted to make the decisions.
She got her stress free dorm, enjoyed all the freedoms of living away from us, and took advantage of every opportunity to grow and mature. Not seeing naked men in her dorm did not stunt her growth into a responsible adult. She found her tribe and had fun and made great memories. She met all kinds of folks on campus, with all kinds of values, and she figured out how to interact with others who think differently, believe differently, or act differently. She discovered how to back away from creepy folks, how to embrace her tribe folks, and how to work/study/sleep/dance/play and still graduate early.
She embraced some new ideals, some of which are slowly permeating into our own lives. She has become more aware of her environment, and how to make changes as a person to create less waste, reuse more things, and recycle. And she learned to reach out to unlikeable people, to care for them and be their friend.
@Josie5 It is difficult, but not impossible, to find a living situation in a dorm that suits your child’s ideal.
Sounds great, above poster. btw- I even missed seeing the seventies’ streaker at my liberal flagship. Darn? As a physician later on can’t say I missed anything I’d have enjoyed seeing…
The subtleties of word choice. There are posters who do try to control their kids. Great when a parent with time can help like you were able to. Hope the OP reads all posts and it helps.
S17 goes to a large (24,000) state university. He lived in a dorm first semester. He and his gf are both in the greek system (he was unofficial his first semester but is moving into the dry frat house next door to his dorm in Jan.). He is pre vet, she is pre med. Both got 4.0’s first semester with difficult schedules, went to football games, parties, etc. Yes there was drinking but it was never forced on them. Gf is very conservative and does not drink, S will drink a little but knows when to stop. He says it was fine not to drink and no one ever said a thing. The parties with drinking are not at the frat or sorority house. At his school they paired kids like these with other high academic students and practice that academics come before even pledge events. These kids have never been happier, have made great contacts with their professors, and feel the dorm and greek houses are good places to study without a lot of craziness. I think it is a matter of the student, picking the right place for them, the right roommates and friends no matter where they go. You don’t want to pick the most liberal college in the world but you also don’t have to pick the most conservative to find a great situation.
And even so called party schools are not that way for the majority, nor does being liberal mean being any different for the social scene.
Looking at the thread title again. Some of the most expensive schools seem to have some of the dorms in the worst shape (trashy) physically per comments on CC. But- students live with this for the fantastic (for them) academics. Think most about the education.
I know many at Ivies who drink and party more than I ever could imagine.
yep
I currently attend one of the cheapest universities in my state and stay in a co-ed dorm. I am not a student who parties/drinks/etc because it simply is not in my personality. I have not had any problem with being around my peers or in my dorm. A lot this has to do with the culture and atmosphere of my college, which is laid-back, and I do not think it has much to do with the cheaper cost of my university. I personally would not shy away from cheaper public universities for fear of “trashy” behavior because party culture is possible anywhere. My personal advice is to visit the university in mind and get a feel for the student body (if possible visit on a normal school day for the university, not during a holiday.) The best impression of the college, I think, I only made when you are actually standing on campus and sometimes the cheaper universities my shock you! I would also like to mention I attend a small school that feel very homey and that may also make a difference. Best of luck on the college search!
I’m really confused as to why the cost of a school is being associated with the type of kids who are there. There’s almost an implication that students who choose affordable schools are some how “less than” or “not as sophisticated as” students at expensive private schools.
In my experience at an expensive private school, the affluenza kids behave worse than the kids from middle/ working class backgrounds who know how much their family is sacrificing for them to be able to go to school.
@CTmom2018 “To live in the world is to be exposed to the behavior of others, some of which we may not like or approve of. I don’t think you can really insulate your daughter from that, no matter what school she attends.”
I’m sorry, what? I’m always puzzled when people talk about the “real world” like this. Please explain gated communities, good side of town, rich hamlets, exclusive country-social-athletic clubs, private schools, companies that only recruit at the top 10, 20 or maybe 50 colleges? The “real world” is full of insulated bubbles – let’s end the notion that bathing in degeneracy for four years is some sort of requirement to a successful adulthood.
@CaliCash “I’m really confused as to why the cost of a school is being associated with the type of kids who are there. There’s almost an implication that students who choose affordable schools are some how “less than” or “not as sophisticated as” students at expensive private schools.”
Take a look at 4 and 6 year completion rates for a window into the maturity and skill level of students at less selective universities. The average overachiever at a high caliber college has the skills and maturity level to balance partying and studies (if they so choose). The average underachiever at a de facto open door university is taking remedial courses and lacks the time management, maturity and skillset to balance both – and often overdoes it to the point of failing several courses and dropping out of college altogether.
Less selective universities can be public but they can also be private.
Sources please.
It’s less about picking a school and more about picking a community within the school. I go to a big state school and I don’t drink. I chose to be in a substance free dorm because I wanted a tamer living environment. As a result my dorm is relatively quiet and doesn’t have many of the issues the OP was worried about. My dorm friends are super sweet and tend to be from more socially conservative backgrounds (my personal background is socially liberal).
I do go to some parties associated with my ECs where alcohol is available, but have never been pressured to drink. In fact, at the two parties I went to last weekend both hosts made sure to come up to me and the others who weren’t drinking to check if we felt comfortable and let us know they had sodas for us. My ECs are filled with conscientious people who look out for each other at parties and make sure no one walks home alone, has too much, etc.which is part of the reason I was attracted to them as organizations. If your kids surround themselves with good people (which can frankly be found at any school) they can have a great dorm experience without engaging/being exposed to things they’re not comfortable with.
I think self help is the best help. The most important things how is your daughter can use them. If your daughter can avoid them it’s okey for her.