<p>If you have a friend going through a hard time, obviously it’s a nice thing to check in but how do you follow up? Keeping it vague – she is emotionally going through a hard time, but there arent any tasks that can make it easier; i.e. she doesn’t need meals or laundry or anything – her extended family is taking care of the day to day. The only thing you can do is call and see how she is. I called once and she was very gracious – talked to me about what was going on and just chatted generally – did not seem put out. How do I follow up, as Ive heard things are rough(er)? I dont want to pry, act like she must share detail, or force her to discuss if she just doesnt want to think about it. But I do want to know that she is ok. Follow up call every so often? Something else? Email/texts seem so impersonal for this kind of thing and I know wont be responded to?</p>
<p>I know when bad things happen, you find out who your friends are – many people say nothing; many say “sorry” once and move on. I don’t want to be that friend, but dont want to bug her either. What have people done for you that has been nice/helpful versus over the line?</p>
<p>I have a friend going through a bad time who also says all is well, but I want to do something to let her know I really mean it when I say I want to help. When this all started for her, I dropped off a book and a few magazines, then later a homemade cake. I am due to drop off something interesting again now.</p>
<p>I don’t stay long, and I would even just leave something at her door with a note.</p>
<p>I’ve been on both sides since I’ve had cancer for seven years and lately I have a lot of friends with illnesses. I just like to know people are thinking of me. Alternate with cards, email, and offer to get together for coffee to talk.</p>
<p>I’d call up and just make yourself available for conversation or if she needs it and you’re able/willing, to serve as someone to listen/vent to. </p>
<p>If you’ve known her for a fair amount of time, try using that as a way to carefully gauge whether to to ask about certain things. When in doubt, let your friend take the lead on this while you lend your ear and support.</p>
<p>Also, if you do make yourself available, make sure you’re not becoming overwhelmed and take some time to take care of your own mental well-being. This will help you and the friend(s) you’re helping.</p>
<p>If its suitable for her to get out of the house given her circumstances, perhaps take her out to lunch, grab a coffer, or to the movies, or to get a mani/pedi. Maybe a few hours of distraction would be a nice treat.</p>
<p>I have a friend going through a rough time, too, it has been several months and will be several more. Besides doing things socially without talking about ‘it’ so that the social time is a distraction, I also email and text her messages most days so she knows she is not alone, yet does not have to respond if it’s a bad time. We text in normal times, so it’s not a change, but I am making more effort to text her more days.</p>
<p>Sounds like it’s ok to alternate between calls and emails. For the call – I was pretty quiet; I asked how she was so that she could just talk about anything – the actual situation, venting, anything. I didn’t ask questions beyond the neutral stuff – i.e. no asking “so how did that appointment turn out,” as I didn’t want to be seen as prying. I just don’t know if it will be a burden for her to talk.</p>
<p>For emails – what do you say?? It’s so not my personality to say “thinking of you,” but that’s where we’re at right now and she’s still so stressed and distracted that now is not the time to be emailing her “funny” things like gossip or news or whatever.</p>
<p>I’d like to see her and/or drop of little stuff, but I am several hours away; I will see her in the next few months and hope to take her out then but to be clear – I need suggestions on what to do from a distance without being that annoying friend who calls daily expecting an update.</p>
<p>I find myself in a similar situation with a friend undergoing chemo.
We live in the same town though which makes it easier.
I’ve been able to join her for lunch during her looong chemo sessions.
I think she enjoys my company, the distraction.</p>
<p>I bet your friend can hear your concern and appreciates it.</p>
<p>Thanks all. I’m hoping this is one of those things where the person gives you the benefit of the doubt for trying to be a good friend, even if your gestures aren’t perfect.</p>
<p>To the poster above – not sure what to do about the holidays. I know in my family (and I think it has something to do with culture/religion) – if a really tough time is being had by the whole family, you just don’t celebrate the holidays that yr – as it’s considered “disrespectful.” So I don’t even know if a “happy holidays” is ok. I feel like this is just my family/culture though and others still celebrate the holidays or go through the motions at least just to feel normal.</p>
<p>When we have hit hard times during the holidays, we have celebrated anyway. Maybe smaller, maybe on a different day, maybe not at home, but we still do. </p>
<p>H was diagnosed with a serious illness right at Thanksgiving some years ago. The family came to me instead of me going there and we had it at my house so H could get his treatment. We were invited to the home of friends for Xmas, which I thought was a wonderful, caring thing for them to do. We went. </p>
<p>I think your friend will appreciate the gesture if you send her a little something.</p>
<p>If your friend celebrates Christmas, one thing that her family members cannot do for her is help her buy Christmas gifts for them. They can’t exactly pick out their own gift.</p>
<p>If it has been difficult for her to do her Christmas shopping, perhaps you could offer to do it for her.</p>
<p>I think an occasional card by snail mail is nice. Alternated with phone calls and emails is great. A visit, to go to the local coffee shop is nice too.</p>
<p>I think anything you do will be appreciated. If she doesn’t want to talk, she won’t answer your calls (in this day and age, most of us have caller ID). I would check in with her weekly by phone. I would send a card every few weeks. I generally look for cards that are really pretty. I would also consider sending a gift every three weeks. I’ve given really pretty tea cups or mugs with tea and cookies. If you have a Paper Source store near you, they have lots of little nice things. It sounds like you are wonderful and want to respect her boundaries. That being said, “leaning in” when someone is having hard times is a good thing to do even when you don’t know the right thing to do.</p>
<p>Having just been through a rough few months myself, I can tell you that what meant the most to me was when people simply asked how I was doing. Depending on my mood, sometimes I’d say “We’re getting through it, thank you for asking,” and at those times I didn’t want probing questions to make me “open up.” OTOH, if I was in a mood to vent, I appreciated someone who was willing to take a few minutes just to listen. No matter which way I was feeling, I always appreciated it when someone said, “I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you.” And hugs were good.</p>
<p>What wasn’t good: Well-meaning suggestions on how I should handle the situation, what medication to ask the doctor about, what care facility to look into, etc. And I wouldn’t have appreciated someone dropping by, with or without a gift/baked goods/card. But I’m an introvert, so if your friend is an extravert, maybe she would like that.</p>
<p>The main thing was just knowing people cared and were concerned. The exact way the care and concern was expressed was secondary, as long as it wasn’t intrusive.</p>
<p>Agree with others that a weekly call can be very reassuring. Even if they don’t answer the call you can leave a brief message of concern and caring. Some people need some slight questioning before they are comfortable sharing details of their situation. If you sense resistance to an inquiry you can back off, but in my experience most people are relieved to find someone willing to listen to the gritty detail of their suffering. And as LasMa pointed out, the key is to truly listen and not try to fix anything.</p>
<p>We’ve had a very rough year as well and I agree with LasMa’s comments (#16). Sometimes you get so sick of dealing with the tough stuff, you avoid contact. At least, that was the case with me more often than I’d care to admit. But knowing that people cared, and staying in touch IS really meaningful. We learned alot about who our friends really were and to be fair, that many people handle difficult news in very different ways.</p>
<p>There’s no doubt in my mind that you must be a very special friend, who cares enough to ask the question of how to help. Believe me, whatever you do I’m sure will be just the right thing. Your friend will remember and be grateful. All the best to you both.</p>
<p>A good friend went through the loss of a teenager years ago. She always tells me the hardest part was how people would avoid talking about it. There is a fine line in these life situations where friends don’t want to pry and those suffering don’t want to burden. I think by staying in touch and letting her know you are there to talk if she needs to is the best. If you are overstepping she will tell you but I sincerely think she would appreciate a distracting email or phone call, or a reassuring voice. An “I’m here whatever you need, please give me a call” let’s her know you are willing to do more if she needs it. I’m sure she doesn’t entirely know what she may need right now, but the offer would be heart warming. Best of luck to you both.</p>
<p>I had a gf/bff who a couple of years ago was very close to losing her house and went underground for a while. Things I did that she really appreciated was (and this is silly) but she loves a McD’s large coke in styrofoam cup with extra ice and I would at least once a week drop one by on my “way” somewhere just to let her know I was thinking about her. Also, when we got together I’d sometimes ask if she wanted to complain, she wanted ME to complain about stuff in MY life, or if we should just veg out and watch Real Housewives etc.</p>