I understand the freeze reflex and the kid vs. adult thing. When I was 12 years old, my optometrist tried to molest me during an eye appointment. We knew the office well - my mom worked in the same medical building. This optometrist was right out of school, new to the practice. I knew something was wrong but couldn’t quite figure out what it was. In addition to making way more body contact than any OD ever has to, he kept asking if he could drive me home.
I froze at first. My parents had warned me about strangers, but not a medical professional from an office I had gone to forever. I couldn’t believe a grown-up was making a pass at a kid. I realized I had to get out of there and told him I was feeling sick and wanted to go to my mother’s office. He backed off - but because I didn’t have a framework for understanding what happened, I never told anyone. In my house, we didn’t talk about adults preying on kids, probably because my parents hoped it would never happen. I’m sure they’d have believed me, but I thought what happened must have been my fault. Who ever heard of a 20-something guy being attracted to a pre-teen, I thought. Different times.
I remember reading Scott Brown’s autobiography. Twice when he was a child either older boys or an adult male tried to molest him. He managed to fight them off or run away. Boys should be forewarned too.
When she was in 7th grade, my daughter’s close friend was molested by her older brother’s friend, more than once (I think “just” inappropriate touching). She asked my daughter not to tell anyone. My daughter was in agony, not knowing what to do. She finally told her Girl Scout leader, who called me. At some point, the girl’s mother found out. This woman got very upset at MY DAUGHTER for telling another adult! Geez. I told my daughter she absolutely did the right thing. The reason she trusted the GS leader was that she had given the girls a LOT of good information about what to do in cases like this. This is the same GS leader who last summer alerted me that my daughter needed to see a counselor. Thank goodness that there are adults who are willing to do the right thing!
It’s difficult to know how to speak up or intervene in many situations. I remember my parents being terribly upset about neighbors who spanked and slapped their children. My friend would come over with very obvious welts and bruises on her arms and face. I know my father spoke to our minister (the neighbors went to the same church), but other than that I don’t think anything was done. I talked to my mom once about that family and she said that of course today she would call child protective services, but it wasn’t done then.
^^ One of the professionals in my hometown was well known as an abuser of his wife and many children as I was growing up. They would come to school with bruises. I can’t believe now that people thought the only appropriate or possible response was pretending that this wasn’t happening. Did DCFS just not exist back in the '60s?
Sadly, of the large family, there were two suicides among the children when they became young adults, several broken marriages, several drug addictions. I can’t believe the background these kids had wasn’t in large part responsible.
I had so many experiences as a child and teen, that I became wary at an early age. It was a different time, and there was no awareness of any age of consent, or so it seems. But there was so much inappropriate touching and intent in my direction, that I really wonder what in the world so many men were thinking, or how common my multiple experiences might be.
Waitingtoexhale! Good for you! Shiitake mushrooms indeed!
Harassment happens to guys too. Just today, my son told me, he went into one of those little stores in New York that sells candy, cigarettes, magazines, soda, etc., to buy a bottle of water. The proprietor – a sleazy-looking guy in his 50s at least – started leering and winking at him, and asked him if he had a boyfriend, saying that he (the proprietor) needed a boyfriend. Gross. My son just said “no thank you,” and left without buying anything. I asked, how did he know you were gay? “I guess I look gay” was the answer.
When @frazzled1 wrote “…because I didn’t have a framework for understanding what happened, I never told anyone,”
I tried to private message, but could not find the right words.
This is for every one here in this thread, everyone mentioned, every boy and every girl - the boy inside of the man, the girl inside of the woman:
“There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors.”
― Adrienne Rich
sigh Add me to the list. Groped in a public library when I was a teenager. I moved away from the creep but didn;t make a fuss. Now? I’d be yelling at him and drawing attention to him.
They’re not “supposed” to look like anything. But some gay men, I guess, are more “visibly” gay than others, and more likely as such to be hit on, and/or harassed, in public. To me, he just looks (and has always looked) like my son, so I am hardly the person to explain further. I take his word for it.
I tried very hard to let my girls know they could come to me with anything and I would take them seriously. Some people may thought I was helicoptering, but whenever my kids talked to me about how they didn’t like being treated by some adults, I listened. Some were valid and some were not, but I tried to validate their feelings no matter what.
D1 was followed by a man at our local library when she was 13-14. She ran into the bathroom to call me. I told her to leave the bathroom right away and get to the front desk (a public place) to wait for me. I reported the incident to the police. It turned out they were aware of the man.
American Airlines let my then 11 year old daughter, who was flying as an unaccompanied minor (and wearing a badge to that effect), walk off the plane alone at Atlanta airport. D knew she had a short time to change planes and no one approached her about what to do. So she disembarked, waited a few minutes at the gate, and when no one came for her, proceeded to follow signs to another concourse to board her next flight. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper when I found out my 11 year old was navigating the airport alone. Luckily, she made it safely to the next gate.
It’s so sad that many of us have had these awful experiences as children/young women. I shared my story of being sexually harassed by a senior partner with my D. At first, he would lean over and “accidentally” touch me while looking at documents. It progressed to being cornered, him trying to grope and kiss me, saying all sorts of things, etc. He always found reasons for me to be working late alone in his office. I was a first year clerk and he was a high powered, legendary litigator. At the time, it seemed like the best course of action was evasive tactics. I was relieved when a group of partners split from the firm and asked me to come with them. D was incredulous that the assertive woman she knows as her mom didn’t report the incidents. I was happy at her reaction because I hope she would do what I didn’t if she found herself in that position.
Boy, there are a hell of a lot of creepy people hanging around, aren’t there. It sounds like each of us on here has had maybe two or so incidents in our lives. If this is the case with most women, the numbers of creeps are staggering. (Unless it’s all the same creeps – which I doubt.)
I almost forgot (blocked from my mind), the incident when I was 15. I regularly babysat for a couple on our street. They were good friends with my parents and I adored the wife. One night, they were at a party in the neighborhood. The H was drunk and came home early by himself. As I was gathering my stuff, he put his arm around me and slid his hand down my shirt. I bolted. I didn’t tell anyone until my mom some 20 years later.
I couldn’t agree more with others that we need to talk about these behaviors and better educate our children to speak up.