At my summer retail job while in high school I reported some harassment to my employer. But, I felt terribly embarrassed and uncomfortable reporting it, as if somehow I had done something wrong. The harrassment was coming from a customer and from a contractor, not from co-workers. My co-workers were all very nice and supportive.
From about age 14 to about 20, I was apparently wildly attractive to flashers. I got flashed about once a week. On the subway, walking to school, in the public library, while running, while walking down the street, whatever. Over and over. Every single time, I yelled “Put that away, you creep!” and then I’d go looking for a police car to report the guy. Once I found one just a short time after being flashed while running on the Boston Esplanade. I remember being asked “was he white?” by the policeman as we drove around looking for the guy (he’d been wearing a gray pinstripe suit). “No” I answered, “kind of pink.” The police officer then said “oh, so you wouldn’t mind testifying if we catch him?” “No problem.” We didn’t catch him, sadly.
I also ran into a surprisingly large number of men who would ask to buy my underwear. I usually did a lot of pointing and yelling “what did you say? I couldn’t understand you, you said you want to buy my what?”
There was a report of another incident on the evening news tonight. Alaska Airlines flight with a 23 year old guy allegedly attempting to kiss a 16 year old girl who was sleeping.
http://www.kiro7.com/news/local/alaska-airlines-flight-diverted-to-sea-tac-after-alleged-in-flight-assault/355316832
Maybe they need a no creeps section of the airplane like there used to be a no smoking section.
This didn’t happen on a plane , but it seems that the creeps are getting bolder these days. We were in Florida several weeks ago when a twenty something year old guy grabbed a 13 year old girl who was shopping in a Dollar General with her mother close by, and he attempted to drag her out of the store with her mother and a store clerk pulling on the girl with all of their might and beating on him to keep him from getting her out of the store . He finally let go and was arrested. The scary part is he admitted to doing this on several occasions in the past .
In Mexico City they have pink buses, only women were allowed.
@dmd77 – that’s pretty scary. Where were you living when all this flashing took place?
@carolinamom2boys that incident was all over the news along with the store video which showed him trying to abduct the little 13 year old girl - who was simply shopping with her mother. I have never seen anything like that - it was horrifying to see him dragging her out. That mother should get the “Mother of the Year” award. She fought him until the end.
I know it was terrifying @HarvestMoon1 . It was extremely violent. I’ve never seen anything so bold. That mom was beating him repeatedly , and he was not letting go.
@VeryHappy — as weird as it may seem, none of the guys who flashed me ever seemed particularly threatening. I’d just look over and there would be something hanging out of their clothes and a big smile on their faces, like it was a game. They never approached me, it always seemed kind of incidental.
I lived in Center City Philadelphia and then Cambridge/Boston. I was not particularly fearful, so I often took long walks/runs by myself in both Philly and Boston; that may have had something to do with the frequency. Did I mention the art museum stairs? That was another place. Oh, and Boathouse Row (in Phila).
Wow. I lived in Manhattan, on the Upper West Side, before it was ritzy, in the early '70s. I was only flashed once, by some creep in the subway station. That’s amazing.
All these stories are so upsetting – that so many women have had to experience this.
I’ve racked my brains, and I can only think of 2 instances when I’ve encountered creepy men. I grew up in a big city, used public transportation all the time, and while I had my fair share of construction workers cat calling, I cannot recall a single instance of being flashed or groped.
When I was 15, there was a guy who was following me and other babysitters at the pool where I worked. We reported him to the parents. Someone must have spoken to him, because he disappeared.
In grad school, there was an adjunct professor (male) who acted very inappropriately with several students (women). They confided in me. I reported him to the dean. He never taught there again. This was in the early 1980s.
I never thought twice about reporting this type of behavior. This didn’t come from my mother, who never discussed this stuff with me – it just made sense to me that it was inappropriate and needed to be reported. As to why I was never flashed/groped myself – luck? attitude? I have no clue.
I’m trying to ensure my D16 is ready to “embarrass” herself or the potential creep in order to send out the alarm. Girls, especially, are socialized to not want to hurt others’ feelings or “shame” themselves, so they doubt their intuition and deny or ignore red flags. Self-defense and assertiveness classes for women are on the docket for D16 this summer. Also focusing on consent and healthy relationships too. It’s all tied up together, imho.
I have a daughter but not a son. Is it possible for mothers of sons to tell them these real stories? They might pay more attention to their college’s Title IX training if so. Just wondering. I think they would be difficult conversations. Exceedingly.
I find it difficult to tell many of my personal stories (similar to above) that involve some level of abuse to my D16. But, if I can figure out how to do the telling, and do it well, I think she’d welcome the stories.
I use stories of surrogates. My younger sister who’s life was shattered by a date rape in HS she says was committed by a classmate from her top Catholic prep school. Stories of my un-named clients. My personal stories are too difficult. And that is a symtom of the problem, isn’t it?
And, would any of us discuss abuse with our own mothers now? I mean what our mothers experienced. Mine is passed, but I recall her telling me one story about escaping an attempted attack by a man who followed her and he got into her apartment hallway, but upon whom she was able to bar the apartment door. Maybe early 1940s. Just thinking now about that story, I bet it was an attempted rape.
Sigh.
When my older sister was 9, in the early 1960s, a guy exposed himself to her on a New York City bus. She didn’t even realize what it was, at first – she thought it was his thumb. Except that it was in the wrong place.
My mother told me several stories of men trying to assault her back in the 1940s, including one of her professors when she was in law school. Another involved a man who tried to assault her on the subway.
I have a friend who worked as an A.D.A. in the Queens D.A.'s office back in the 1980s, and she told me that at the time, “weenie wagging” was one of the most common categories of crimes – and that’s just the ones who were caught and arrested. From what I understand, it’s still common, but less so than it was 30 years ago. And when it happens now, the flasher sometimes ends up having people take a movie of him, which shows up on the Internet.
And yes, when my son was younger I did tell him an expurgated version of what that physician did to me repeatedly starting when I was 11, just to try to explain that he shouldn’t ever be afraid to speak up and say no to something when it felt wrong – no matter who was doing it – and tell his parents about it. In other words, not to follow my example.
@dyiu13 I have two sons, no daughters . I have discussed inappropriate touching and other sexual abuse scenarios with them since they were young boys. Inappropriate sexual contact is not isolated to females. Every year there are stories about inappropriate contact with teachers, coaches , clergy that involve male victims . In some respects, I think that it is harder for males to report this abuse.
There was an older married man in my conversational Spanish Class in college when I was 18 who kept making passes at me IN CLASS, which I ignored or rebuffed. He showed up at a store where I was working alone, despite the boss’ promise that I would never work alone. I quit that night, as both the boss and the married man made me very uncomfortable. Fortunately, he stopped coming to Spanish class and the term ended.
This is the video of that guy in Florida attempting to drag a 13-year old girl out of a store while her mother is desperately trying to prevent it: http://www.people.com/article/man-kidnap-girl-dollar-general-video
I’ve never seen anything like that before.
I was followed for many blocks as a young teenager. I had missed a bus going downtown, and while waiting for the next one to arrive, I began walking in the direction I was headed. A man in his late 20s or so began following me. I suspected I was being followed, but wasn’t sure, so I crossed the street, and then crossed back, and he followed each time.
I didn’t have any idea what to do! There were stores, banks and homes along the way, but it never occurred to me to stop into any of them and seek help. I felt very alone with my problem-- like it was just my personal problem to solve. Kids need to be told explicitly that they should ask for help, and that adults will want to help. It seems like this should be obvious but it isn’t, necessarily.
Finally when the bus still hadn’t come and I was getting to a less populated area with no homes or shops, I had to act. I turned around to face him and yelled angrily at him to get the h. away from me. By his expression he was plainly not expecting to be confronted, but he left-- to my immense relief. I suppose he realized he had lost the element of surprise and that I would not be an easy victim.
Years later, at one PT facility where I worked, there was an exhibitionist patient who targeted several of us therapists. His first victim was very rattled and embarrassed. She told the rest of us about it and together we made a written plan in case he repeated it. When he did it again-- this time to me-- I left the room to compose my thoughts and review the plan, and then I followed it step by step: I documented his actions in his patient chart, called the referring physician and lastly I confronted the patient and informed him that it was now part of his written record and that while we were still willing to treat his orthopedic problem, he could never repeat the behavior at our facility. He left quickly and never returned. I’m not sure why we didn’t phone the police; this was the early 1990s and I think we were not thinking in terms of this being a sex offense-- more of a perversion. Nowadays I would call the police for sure.
I talked to my D about all of these incidents and about how she should act if anything similar happened to her.
It really helps to have a plan to fall back on.
Oh god, Donna - that video. What is wrong with people?? Lock him up and throw away the key. Actually, no. I’m ok with capital punishment for kidnappers.
@CTmom2018: I also was followed once, in NYC, walking the 20 blocks or so home from my exercise class. When I realized I was being followed, I ducked into a liquor store that was open. I told the proprietor that I was being followed and wanted to hang out for a few minutes, and he was fine with that. Ten or so minutes later, I was on my way again, and the fellow was gone.
I didn’t have any hesitation to go into the store.