I made the conscious choice to be a stay at home mom. My childhood was spent in the care of babysitter and older siblings. My mom left the house before we woke up and came home tired. My mom never came to any events at my school. When other kids got picked up on rainy days my siblings and I walked home in the rain. Living in an area where most moms didn’t work I was always embarrassed that I basically had no rule to come home right from school, our only rule was be home before the street lights came on.
My daughters and daughter-in-law all work. They all used nannies until the kids could go to preschool.
I watched my first grandchild one day a week while my daughter worked. I did the same for her 2nd. It was exhausting. I’d come home and be ready for bed by 7. My son has a child with a complicated health and developmental condition. I watched his child for about a year one day a week. Once he got heavier it was hard on my body and they found a nanny was more reliable than grandma.
My son and his wife until recently were 100% work from home since Covid. They need a nanny even though they are home. They are working during that time and their employers are paying them to work.
I was lucky in being able to work part-time and with childcare. I worked three days a week but at that time Saturdays could be a work day at my consulting firms and a lot of folks were in that day. For the first three years of my oldest son’s life, my parents had him two days a week and DH had him Saturday. It was a bit of a drive to drop him off at their home but they enjoyed having him.
When my second child was born, they did not want to watch them and older son was starting pre-school. After some challenges, I found a wonderful older woman who watched until the third kid finished middle school. At that point she only came for the after school hours. I was working 5 days at that point, but she only came 3 and I came home early on the other two. She made dinner for the kids, which was great.
With a 45+ minute commute, most of my salary went to childcare when the sitter was there all day. I was still able to save in the 401K and have enough for extras and inexpensive vacations (used DH’s miles for flights to visit family). But was worth it to me to stay in the work force.
I would be happy to provide childcare one or two days a week but not full time and would not do two days if I had to drive over an hour each way unless I slept over. No grands on the horizon however.
My friends vary from providing childcare every day for young grandkids and now picking up from school to only sitting on a weekend. One friend sits for her GD several days a week but the other grandfather comes over to walk the very large dog on the days her DD works in the office. That daugther is lucky as the other grandma babysits on the other days.
I did have cleaners every other week starting when #3 was born, until #4 and #5 started kindergarten. I could get things done during nap times, could keep the house presentable but it was difficult to do a real clean.
I was lucky enough to have neighbors that wanted to provide day care for my kids when they were babies. But I felt so much guilt working, while putting my adopted children who spent their first year of life, into daycare. At least it was home daycare. I did get a couple of months of maternity leave with each thankfully.
When we moved to another state, we put the girls into a Montessori school when my youngest was three. They learned so much there. My youngest knew all the states and capitals at four years old (I fondly remember her saying “a pee yo, a mont”) and our oldest, while we were on a neighborhood walk, told us about how trees made sugar and “that tree has ovate leaves.” She could also identify several species of birds. I think we paid about $1200 a month for both.
There is no way my daughter who wants children could afford the cost of day care (even at 2004 in Idaho prices) or be able to manage without her income. It’s a very sad situation for young families.
wow – this is eye opening. I can’t imagine people can afford this.
My niece and her H bought a 4-plex house. They let the seller live in it rent-free for 3 or 6 months so their offer would be accepted. Her sister and her 2 kids moved into the downstairs unit and are a great support system for niece and her H and their 2 kids. The 4 kids are VERY close!
When the younger kid was very young, they became aware of a nanny who wanted to move to Honolulu and would be willing to work with them. My sister and her H watch and pick up grands several days/week but my sister says not EVERY day and there has to be a plan B for when they are sick or traveling (which they’ve been doing a lot).
My sister has made it work with all 3 of her daughters and their 2 kids apiece. During COVID, they hung out at my sister’s place and got very close. She also has taken all of them on a Disney Alaska Cruise!
She’s 3 years older than I am but I’m not sure we will have the stamina she does for any grandkids were may have.
DD pays $20,000 a year for university-supported daycare for DGD 4 yo, Ànd that’s for an 8 hour day 8:15-4:15, with no extended care. Luckily, we help pick up several days a week, because how do you have time to park car, drop off child, drive to university parking spot, walk to office, work, then reverse the process if you are supposed to work an 8- hour day? And don’t get me started on the huge number of holidays, in-service days, and at the elementary school level, conference days and holidays. We are picking up DGS 7 from school bus three days this week due to half days of school. Also have DGD half day Friday, and there is a school holiday on November 3 and the 11th, AND my DIL is out-of-town for 12 days. we’ll be helping out a lot!
Even with great childcare families still need a backup. It’s hard.
Same. I don’t have grandkids yet, but I have no desire to be a caregiver. I had mine at 34 and 37. I’m fine with watching kids when needed on occasion. I worked hard and want my time. I’ll be there if needed.
I know daycare is expensive. But they make good money and it was their choice to live in the house they do. They have no other debt. We and her parents have given them alot their entire lives. I’m not giving them my retirement years.
Had my mom insisted on (threatened) to be our day care, we’d probably be childless.
I wish she’d lived closer to be a back-up, and we loved when she spent time with DS at our home or hers, but as a permanent fixture – boy, that would have added enormously to the stresses of parenting.
She is very much a "my way or the highway " person, and frankly, although she was a good mom in her own way, she also left my sibs and me with a lot of baggage that we all sought professional help to offload.
Just saying that having a helpful family member may save $ on childcare, but it may have other costs!
I definitely had no interest in being a full time caregiver. I was happy to help with childcare as needed, and I still do. In fact, tomorrow is a half day, so I’ll pick GD up for the afternoon. I will help as needed in the summer, but I don’t want to be full time caregiver in the summer, either. I was a SAHM for years, and it was really hard work. I want to enjoy GD, not raise her.
That’s exactly what my mom told me, she wanted to enjoy her grandchildren, not have them be a job. She did see them on a daily basis, my kids had bedrooms in their home, clothes, toys, bikes, heck a nursery and all baby supplies, high chairs, playpen, strollers, car seats in both of their vehicles. She was definitely a bonus mom to them.
Yes, having “bonus” moms & dads is always a plus. Being a full-time caregiver as we start having our own health issues is much more problematic. For example. The other day, H wanted to go to the ER immediately. I was having my own issues stabilitizing my oxygen saturation and wasn’t up to being his caregiver/chauffer. Luckily D was home and happily stepped into the breach. Fortunately, I’m generally pretty healthy and able to be H’s caregiver & advocate, but it DOES get somewhat onerous! (It also makes me wonder who will advocate for me when I need a health advocate as H really doesn’t know much about my lung health and issues—fortunately my docs & I keep our lines of communication open and I’m managed fine on my own at home, which the providers calling in Rx as needed to the pharmacy nearby. The PT says D will be an excellent advocate but I want her to have a life. She already has her multiple chronic health issues which have made her medically disabled.)
My GD has her own bedroom, complete with bubblegum pink walls & a Barbie Dreamhouse. We have lots of toys, indoors & outside. We adore having her here … and we enjoy giving her back!
lol my mom always said as much as she adores her grandkids (and she did, ended with 8 after only having 2 herself), she also loved giving them back (one of my oldest friends just had her first grandbaby and says the same). I hope to have the same, but it will depend on where they end up. Unfortunately housing where we live is insane right now, sadly.
I was always envious of people who had family close by to help out with childcare. Dh’s parents lived three hours away, so while they sometimes kept our ds while we were on quick trips, they were not an option for picking up from school, babysitting for date nights, etc.
I became a SAHM when he finished kindergarten.
@Hoggirl i agree. Although people say there are other costs to family nearby, I would have given anything to have had a backup person or say, one hour a week.
It’s really hard when there is no family around. H worked in a job that required travel and it was difficult to get ahold of him at work when he wasn’t traveling.
Agreed. I can’t imagine raising my kids without the help of both sets of parents. Of course, I was more comfortable having my mom help, and she was like a third parent to my kids. We made sure to live within walking distance of our parents.
Now my daughter tells me that her fiancé sees how much we help our son with our granddaughter. Since he’ll be going into a very time-demanding profession, he realizes how important it will be for them to live close to us—even though he really dislikes our city!
Although they never provided regular childcare, having my parents local made it possible for me to keep the job I had which required early morning and/or evening meetings at least a few times a month. Not to mention the small fortune in pet care they saved me when we traveled. Otherwise like others I shared carpooling, etc., with other families. When I worked from home I was often the emergency before school care. A family with a nanny was emergency afterschool care (they had a big house and she didn’t mind a crowd). And there were few working families that didn’t at some point or another resort to dropping elementary school-aged kids off at the high school where they were allowed (at least unofficially, not sure it was actually allowed) go sit in the cafeteria until the school buses got there and dropped off the middle schoolers/highschoolers and started the elementary routes. Then the kid just rode the whole route back to the elementary school. Altogether that could buy a family over an hour in the morning. In our rural area there really were no before school options which is why I think they looked the other way at the kids sitting in the cafeteria. Not sure if they still do. I also want to stress how hard it is to work with a kid underfoot. My daughter was very well-behaved and amused herself well and there was still no way I could do quality work while she was home until at least age 5 (for very limited periods) and really not before she was around 8. Daycare was really a necessity. I have mentioned elsewhere that paying for daycare put us into debt and kept us from saving for college until D22 was in middle school. Fortunately it all worked out (other than the lack of retirement savings)
My kids both graduated college during the Great Recession, the jobs they got weren’t local to us where there’s not a lot of white collar jobs available.
My kid who has a child makes it work despite not having local family. They had an opportunity to move back to our state but with 2 full time careers, who each wanted to keep said career, they decided to stay where they are.
Anyways, I guess kinda like the mommy wars of my youth, I’m not so fond of what now feels like the grandma war.
I think I was a terrible person to be the first on this thread as I feel very conflicted about how this thread is going.