It’s tough when our kids are having a difficult time with anything.
What’s the conflict? We all have different circumstances, health constraints, financial constraints, etc. as do our kids. I have friends IRL who would love to do MORE (but can’t for various reasons) and friends who wish they were doing LESS (but circumstances are what they are at least for now). I think it’s healthy to get a window into other people’s thinking, whether or not it applies to your own situation right now!
Do I want my kids living in their childhood bedrooms? No. Do I wish they had moved back to our town with spouses and kids in tow? Most days. Is that happening? No, not ever based on the current tea leaves. Would I change places with a few friends of mine who started providing childcare because “it’s so expensive” and are now watching those adult kids enjoy travel, home renovations, etc. that their retired parents (who are still providing free childcare) could not afford? heck no.
Isn’t it nice to realize you don’t want to trade places?
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I feel conflicted personally because I’m not involved in my grandchild’s care. Because she lives states away and is going to continue to live there.
I feel conflicted because I have another child who is not able to have children.
I feel conflicted because for some reason I was the person who is somehow named as the person who started this conversation as it was a spin off.
I’m conflicted because I’m coming to terms that I’m only going to have one grandchild and that it’s painful because my other kid is having surgery to remove her ovaries so her cancer won’t come back.
I’m conflicted because it’s really really painful but I keep getting notified when it’s something I’d rather not have to look at. But I’m stupid because I keep looking.
I’m conflicted because I didn’t really want to address it but apparently something I said is causing people to.
But it’s going to be great that I will have my child around because she is taking care of her health unlike my husband’s cousin who had children, didn’t adequately treat her cancer and now is dead.
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Thanks for explaining that this thread was a “split off” of another. I know it infers that in your first post, but I admit I sort of didn’t understand your comment as a first post of a thread! Meaning I think you would have addressed the start of the thread different if it was an introductory post of the thread!
And I understand your conflicts. Depending on what you may wish, some tough things to swallow. 
Well, at this point, we have a S in his late 30s (married to similarly aged W) and a D who is 36 and has never been in a serious relationship. No idea if we will ever have kids, but DIL said once that she’d LOVE having a big family. They just celebrated their 3rd anniversary. They live in NYC (after having lived ikn DC for a decade. We will see what the future brings.
Sending you hugs. I think if “your thread” is causing you conflict, ask the mods to shut it down? or shut down the notifications? I don’t think anyone here would want to cause you pain. Karma is a $%^& sometimes.
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She didn’t start the thread. We are having a good discussion here and it is an important topic for many of us. deb922 can turn off notifications and not see any posts on this thread. I never get any notifications.
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I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with so much.
If you’d prefer not to receive notifications, scroll to the bottom of the thread, you’ll see a blue “bell” icon. Click on that and select “muted” to stop being notified of new posts in this thread.
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Alternatively, Deb can click on her avatar, then the person icon on the right side menu (it’s the last one), then preferences, then emails, and set things to never get another email from CC. Which is how I roll 
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We literally moved to avoid childcare/costs. We had no family within a thousand miles when our son was born. We were living in the Boston area, DH worked in Manhattan M-F, and I had a 60-hour-a-week job. We tried to make it work for about a year and a half. Ultimately, we decided to move to AZ where, even though we still wouldn’t have family anywhere near, the COL was so low I could easily stay home with our son until he entered first grade when I took a job that aligned with school hours, and we were near an airport that never closes (goodbye Logan) which worked well for DH’s consulting travel. Anytime we needed anything more than a few hours of babysitting, the rare vacation for instance (sometimes I would travel to wherever DH was running an engagement if the location were attractive enough), we’d fly my mom in from Michigan to stay with her grandson. She never turned us down.
Childcare cost in AZ in a facility like KinderCare at the time was $500/month because childcare was unregulated, and you would see a couple of 16-year-olds “watching” a playroom of up to 30 kids (no thanks). No idea what childcare costs here today, but I am glad we were able to avoid it.
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The childcare center my grands attend is nothing like that! No teenage workers, the classes are kept small. They have dedicated music teachers, field trips, an indoor gym, a fenced outdoor playground for all but the most miserable days ( this is Minnesota, they are required to have appropriate winter clothes there and go outside most days), etc. There is daily free play, story time, rest time,healthy fresh meals catered by a popular local restaurant, etc. And it’s Spanish immersion.
Nothing like what you described.
This level of care does come at a high price.
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Yeah, what you describe is what we were paying for in Massachusetts. Newborn care was especially expensive, but ALL MA care centers had to be NAEYC certified at the very least. It’s just the wild west in AZ. Evidently, we don’t need no stinkin’ regulation here.
I was just as gobsmacked by the roadsigns that say, “No shooting or offroad driving.” No s*%t!!! 
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Thanks to all who are able to show empathy and support for situations that aren’t like their own.
I had forgotten how to turn off notifications so thanks for that.
Not everyone’s path to parenthood and grandparenthood is as smooth as it seems. I hope that everyone can remember that.
I have one adorable granddaughter who I cherish and isn’t that wonderful.
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I hope to someday become a grandparent. In the meantime, we are enjoying being great aunts & great uncles to a growing crop of grand nieces and grand nephews.
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If I am not too late to the party, I am also conflicted.
D2 lives in the Midwest with her husband and my adorable grandson. The other grandmother provides most of his childcare. Waiting to see what will happen when another comes along.
D1 is also married and lives in the Philadelphia area. No sign of kids on the horizon.
I’m enjoying my traveling years and am not ready to provide full time childcare. I say (and think?) that I would like to be the after-school grandma. And I would cook dinner.
I don’t live near either one. (They moved away!) My house is not great for aging in place, but it is OK for now.
If I move near D2, I’m not sure how welcomed I would be by the other family. And, I’d be encroaching on their territory.
If I move near D1, I have more friends in the area. I’ve always thought of myself as belonging on the East Coast. I am currently in DC’s Virginia suburbs and went to college in PA, my friends are mostly in the I-95 corridor all the way to Boston. Or maybe Maine. But D1’s husband really is not fond of me.
Eventually, I need to move near one of them to make their lives easier in my final years. (Yikes!)
So, yes, I too am conflicted.
P.S. Before DH got sick and died, I’d told him our retirement budget needed to include money for travel and funds to help support D1 and D2’s childcare costs, so they would have the opportunity to keep working (with the benefits consistent corporate work includes).
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We had no grandparents nearby to help us with our children. BUT we did have the very best home daycare provider, who happened to live two doors away from us. She was like an aunt to the kids…and was just always there. It was a small home day care. Her mom helped out too…so like having a grandma there sometimes.
Our kids went there when I returned to work when they were about 6 months old. The only break from there was nursery school which was in the town where I worked (so I knew which nursery school/day cares were the best).
Then back to the home daycare for before school and after school…until we moved to this house (kids were 1st and 4th grade). They went to after school care at their school.
Somehow we survived. I also had a school principal boss who told us family first. She understood if we needed to leave to pick up a sick child, or attend a school show during the day. I know I was lucky! Our kids were also invited to any programs at my school, and I often took them (we had great programs).
I always said…paying for child care prepared us for paying for college…well…sort of.
I’ll add…just a couple of years ago, our wonderful home daycare provider died. We still keep in touch with her kids, and funny, some of our best friends are the parents of kids who attended that same home daycare!
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My late 20s/early 30s sons and their partners are on the fence about children, for reasons including finances, health, sustainability etc. If they do have children, I would love to help them out as they are in a HCOL city where childcare would be exorbitant. But, if they get around to it, I’d be in my late 60s and it’s hard to imagine providing the kind of active care toddlers and preschoolers benefit from. Plus, I’m not sure we could afford to retire to their HCOL location!
My parents had died by the time I had kids – although I had generous maternity leave and high enough income for excellent child care early on, I was also the primary wage earner. We simply couldn’t afford a third child, much as I would have loved to add to our family.
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When my first son was born - extremely prematurely - we were living in CT and commuting into Manhattan every day. Due to his prematurity (he was otherwise healthy and suffered no ill effects) he was not allowed to go to group day care so after a fruitless search for a nanny that was going to be less than $1k a week, I decided to leave my job (I did return for 2 months because I had left very suddenly with his early birth - a friend’s daughter came to live with us and watched him then). We ended up moving back to MA (where I am from) and lived very near my parents but I stayed home until my second was in 1st grade and then went back to work. My parents were never full-time/regular child care but they babysat frequently and were there to get the kids on/off the bus if I had an early or late client meeting out of the house (I worked primarily from home). I was lucky I was able to do it this way but I had my kids late in life (37 & 39) so we were in a really good place financially and I didn’t mind stepping off the hamster wheel after 15 years in corporate America (I hadn’t planned to but my son’s premature birth was the catalyst for that decision which ended up being the right one for our family). I don’t know if I will ever have grandkids - my boys are both still in college and neither is in a relationship right now. Only one has indicated an interest so we’ll have to see. In all likelihood we won’t be providing any regular child care but you never know. We’d certainly help with $$ if that was necessary.
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I’ve asked several times which weekend works best for me to visit my kids during Hanukkah. Then they FaceTime me and I see her parents are there with them. I can’t help but be jealous that her parents are always welcome.
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While I think we would be grateful they had the help of the in-laws, I think many of us would also feel a bit jealous or left out. You’re not wrong to feel that way!
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