Classmate rivalry: normal or obsessive?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi Everyone, </p>

<p>I know that every good-intentioned student strives to do his or her best in class, but I think I might have a problem along that vein. I would like and appreciate some insight on this kind of concept to determine if this is something I should be worried about or not. </p>

<p>There’s this student in my French class that’s simply a NATURAL. He only had one year of high school French yet he self-studied over the summer, placed into the 2nd year level, and sounds and writes like a dream. He’s perfect in every way, shape, and form, and I strive to be as good as him. He’s not a major (he can’t fit it in with his current major), but he wants to definitely at least minor in it. I’ll probably have classes with him down the road since I plan on minoring in it, too. </p>

<p>We’re friends and we talk all the time, and I do feel like this is some good competition for me. We’re both overachievers striving to do our best, and we can help each other perform at even higher levels. We share websites and study guides and speak/write to each other in French as much as possible for practice, and I feel that it’s quite enriching. </p>

<p>However, I’m starting to feel… Jealous, and I think I’m maybe even starting to be petty about it. I did the right thing by referring him to other professors to answer some of his questions about double-majoring and working around his other department (I’m a sophomore and he’s a freshman, so I’ve been around longer), and I also gave him some head-ups about some special programs and things. </p>

<p>The problem is, now a part of me worries that everyone will like him better than me. I’m pretty involved in the department and I think they like me, but I just feel so threatened by his ability to excel so effortlessly. This guy is genuinely a star. He’s BRILLIANT in everything and is so nice and good-natured. Everyone just loves him, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who recognizes his talent to go far with languages. I admire him so much. </p>

<p>I’ve made it my goal to try and “beat” him by self-studying myself like crazy over break. I bought some extra books, I’ve been reading some French literature, I’ve been going over stuff we’re learning next semester; I feel like I’ve added a lot of goals in my academic life just so I can have a shot at being “the best.” </p>

<p>Is it normal to feel like this? My school is really chill and is definitely NOT cutthroat like some can be, so I’ve never experienced anything like this. I don’t want this to tear me apart, and I feel like this is adding a lot of stress and pressure on me. It also makes me sad because I don’t like the feeling where you’re pushed aside because there’s someone bigger and better than you. </p>

<p>Thanks, and I’m sorry if this is ridiculous. This is all pretty new to me, and I’m just trying to figure it out.</p>

2

<p>Your insecurity about yourself is manifesting itself as jealousy towards someone you see that is similar to you. Your gut instinct is right, consciously push any of these knee jerk emotions out of your head. </p>

<p>I doubt you’re being ‘pushed aside,’ but if so you can either fight harder for your spot for positions and show why you deserve them or pursue other things. If its French Literature clubs and positions in them don’t have any effect on the rest of your life, you need some perspective.</p>

<p>It’s very impressive you self identified this feeling as irrational- most people go through life without ever doing that once. A lot of people think that if they feel a certain way, there must be a good reason for it.</p>

3

<p>Here’s something else that’s important to remember: It is really no fun to study literature and culture on your own. Having a friend with similar interests, whose ideas you admire, who challenges you . . . that’s absolutely the best!</p>

<p>One of the happiest memories I have of college was waiting in line outside the office of the French Department’s DUS to be interviewed for placement. In my high school, even in my AP French Lit class, I had pretty much been the only person who actually cared, or did more than the minimum. And all of a sudden I was standing in a whole line of people who loved French literature as much as I did, who had read a lot of the same things, memorized the same poems.</p>

<p>I developed a huge crush on the person next to me in line, who at the time considered herself a pre-med. She wound up as an English major, and I did comp lit, and the crush faded pretty quickly, but we took 5 or 6 courses together over the 4 years of college. I just loved being in class with her – she was so smart, and so different from me in her reactions but so similar in her passion and interests. And she reciprocated that; by our last two years we would plan which courses to take together.</p>

<p>So . . . enjoy it! It’s way better to have a rival you really appreciate than not to have one. (And, speaking of crushes . . . might there be a little of that going on? That’s how your post reads to me. A bit of Beatrice talking about Benedick. If that’s the case, enjoy that, too!)</p>

4

<p>“The problem is, now a part of me worries that everyone will like him better than me. I’m pretty involved in the department and I think they like me, but I just feel so threatened by his ability to excel so effortlessly.”</p>

<p>I don’t think the department sits around trying to identify the one and only best student and will ignore everyone else. (Kind of like parents, who do love all their kids although they may specially appreciate this one’s kind heart and that one’s energy and sense of humor). I’m sure all motivated and talented students are appreciated and supported. </p>

<p>“This guy is genuinely a star. He’s BRILLIANT in everything and is so nice and good-natured. Everyone just loves him, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who recognizes his talent to go far with languages. I admire him so much.”
Try to focus on enjoying the opportunity to be his friend and to learn from him. He probably greatly appreciates your mentorship and just having a very talented, motivated student to work with. A little friendly rivalry can be a good thing, just don’t let it ruin your friendship. A good college experience includes learning from your peers, not just your professors. Being the only outstanding student might be more satisfying to your ego, but it really would be a less satisfactory experience.</p>

5

<p>Have you always been the big fish in a small pond?</p>

<p>There’s nothing wrong with feelings–they are just that, feelings. Trying to suppress them usually messes us up. Admitting to ourselves that we have them is a good thing. It’s how we act on them that matters. And we usually act more appropriately on our feelings, we control them better, if we recognize them and face them. </p>

<p>Do they still teach the novel “A Separate Peace?” If not, I’d recommend that you read it. I think it might help you think through the feelings you’re having.They are normal.</p>

<p>Healthy competition is good for most of us and some of us are more competitive than others. Channeling our competitiveness into healthy channels is the key. If you’re a French major and this is causing you to improve that’s a good thing. If it makes you try to impede the other person’s progress, it isn’t.</p>

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<p>“having professors like you” is not a zero sum game. They have the capacity to like lots of people simultaneously…just like you do. Why can’t the professors like BOTH of you? It’s not like the French department can marry only one of you.</p>

<p>Enjoy the friendship and use it as a source of strength and inspiration for you. Don’t be jealous of someone’s natural talents. Do you want this person to like you for the shared interests in French language and culture, and other interests? or just for the reason that because you have been on campus longer you know more of the ropes? that’s not much of a basis for a real friendship–because after being on campus for a while, if that is all you are to him, there isn’t much of a basis for a real friendship.</p>

<p>So…don’t get in your own way here. Don’t let yourself turn into a person you wouldn’t like.</p>

7

<p>Just enjoy the benefits of the interaction, opori2. You can both help each other to become better, if you keep things on an even keel.</p>

<p>The really good news for you is that you are a sophomore and the other person is a freshman. This means that you will almost certainly graduate a year ahead of the other person. When you graduate, the professors will be comparing you to students in your own class (year). I have seen this happen for many years running. When your friend/competitor graduates, he will be compared with the students in his class. This works to the benefit of both of you.</p>

<p>Also, lol, boysx3, about the French department marrying only one of them!</p>

8

<p>Thank you for all of the replies! It does make me feel better. And I will have to check out that book. I’ve honestly never heard of it before, but it sounds useful. </p>

<p>There’s definitely no attempts to impede his progress, and I’d say my being older was only an icebreaker sort of thing. I do want to see him succeed and continue with this, but there’s still that jealousy nagging at me… I’m trying to get over it, but I guess the feeling is all very fresh. (I am used to always being the “big fish in a small pond,” so it’s weird to have this like-minded company) </p>

<p>Just found out today that he got a higher grade in the class than me, and though it kills me a little bit, I congratulated him and told myself I’d just work harder next time and that I still did really well and learned a lot. It’s hard, but I hope I’ll grow immune to it after a while.</p>

9

<p>At least you have someone to talk to. The jealousy is probably not a good thing overall but it is natural at this point! What i would do is focus on the fact that there is nothing he can really do to hurt YOU. it is not as if you are competing for a single job opening ! or if he is trying to muscle you out of a club or something that you are a member of / leader of.</p>

10

<p>That’s it- work for yourself, regardless of anyone else. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does- you need to set a pace that is comfortable for you. Be careful with any tendency to obsess about keeping up with someone else. Keep a positive attitude about yourself and the situation. College is not a winner take all, the rest get nothing situation. This person has stirred you to reach inside yourself to do your best. Be sure to enjoy your winter break- do not attempt to constantly study. Sounds like some is maturity hitting you- you are learning about yourself and refining who you are. </p>

<p>btw- does he feel a need to keep ahead of you? Please do not let this become a race to keep up with each other. Relax and enjoy learning for its sake, not to be best.</p>

11

<p>A lot of people direct their insecurities onto a target. Learning a language is difficult and it comes more easily to some than others. Focus on what you want to get out of your French classes, start planning a study-abroad term if you can, and forget about what is going to be a blip in your life before long.</p>

12

<p>Thanks for all of the additional responses. It’s starting to help me put things into perspective. </p>

<p>The strange part is that he doesn’t seem to be competing with me at all. I seem to be the only one viewing it as such, probably because I’m the one “losing.” </p>

<p>He’s a pretty mellow and very humble person, so that’s why I feel even worse about it. He’s just doing his best and going along with studying/learning with a classmate, yet here I am studying my butt off to try and reach his level. I almost feel guilty about it because he doesn’t know that I feel so determined to meet his progress. </p>

<p>I am doing well in comparison to people in my graduating class, and I am doing well in the sense that I’m personally learning a lot and improving at my own rate. That’s what’s important, I know, but I guess my ego wants more.</p>

13

<p>opori2, in addition to the other good advice here, I urge you to consider this statement once made to me by a wise friend: Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides. :)</p>

<p>You have no idea what his internal struggles may be. Just continue to be your own best person, and try to appreciate the ways in which he enriches your intellectual life.</p>

14

<p>Great advice, Consolation. I had never heard that expression before but I like it!</p>

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<p>You should feel proud that you are a strong and mature enough person to be his friend. High-achievers may be quite likeable, but don’t confuse that with having a lot of friends. It’s hard for most people to be close friends with someone who is brilliant at practically everything. It’s even harder if the brilliant person is humble to boot, since humans have a tendency to want to mitigate such excellence by saying, “He may be super smart, but… (he’s arrogant, pretentious, etc.)”. So consider that you may be one of this young man’s only friends who is capable of being truly happy for his success, or at least capable of acting like you are. Success can be a social burden for people like him, which is a reminder on the order of Consolation’s quote.</p>

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<p>I think you are pretty well able to analyze you situation and see the problems with it and have good honest insights. What you seem to be stuck on is changing the dynamics within yourself. That’s why I think you are someone who would get a great deal out of short term therapy.</p>

<p>While healthy rivalry can be stimulating, this seems like you are having reactions that don’t make you happy and cause unneeded stress to you. You might even spoil what sounds like the foundations of a very good friendship by having these reactions. It would be great to be at a place where you can enjoy your French studies at the same time as celebrating his successes. You might even be spending too much time trying to keep up with him to the detriment of your other priorities. All things to think about.</p>

<p>You might start with some reading on the topic. I only mention therapy because I think these sort of feeling may be pernicious and easier to sort out with help. You may become a more satisfied person. And you can examine any underlying problems of self esteem that can lead to depression.</p>

<p>Find ways to remind yourself of what you do well. Ponder that his success doesn’t take away from yours. Be free with your compliments; that sort of generosity can be like cognitive therapy.</p>

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<p>Obsessive, sweetie. Most of us have been affected by people in our lives who have some kind of star quality and make us feel un-shiny in comparison. Accept the feelings and lay them aside. Try emulating this friend’s kindness and good nature and humility. It’s great to be accomplished, but genuine friendships and a sense of community will be as important (probably more important) in your life than all those “bests”.</p>

18

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<p>Stop right there. No, no, no, he is not perfect. He’s good at French. Good for him, but in the big picture, big whoop.</p>

<p>There’s a lot more to you than how you do in class. Just worry about you, not others.</p>

<p>When I was in college, there was a girl in my French class who just amazed me. I couldn’t figure out if she studied like crazy or was just a natural. However, once I left the classroom, the thought of her never crossed my mind. Don’t waste your precious time churning up negative energy. Life may seem long, but we aren’t promised tomorrow. Fill your brain and your life with good things; comparing yourself to others is an absolutely futile endeavor. I can promise you that there will ALWAYS be someone around who is richer, smarter, better looking, more popular, etc. But that’s okay, because in order to have a wonderful life, you really don’t have to be number 1.</p>

19

<p>Thanks, everyone, for all of the wonderful advice! </p>

<p>I think I understand everything better. It’s a matter of shifting how I perceive and respond to things; it’s a matter of better being at peace with myself. You’re all right in that I shouldn’t put so much stress into making comparisons. Maybe I shouldn’t strive to “catch up” as much as I should strive to reach my own potential. Also, maybe I should stop viewing him as a French god but also as a regular person, like what Consolation’s quote encourages. </p>

<p>This has all been very cathartic to me! I think I’m gonna drop the French books and look at some more self-help, motivational ones. :)</p>