I learn so much from my adult children, one who was recently diagnosed with ADHD. She tells me that difficulty with organizing items and anxiety with putting them away (or getting rid of them) is very common with ADHD. She said to me, “Don’t you see that with Dad?” I honestly had never considered that before. And it did help me see his challenges with organizing and related anxiety in a new light.
DH and I have been able to use some strategies for decluttering suggested for people with ADHD (whether he has ADHD or not) and it has been helpful. And I have tempered my tendency to want perfect organization.
H’s isn’t an AHDH issue though. He LIKES his stuff. He takes great care of his stuff. He doesn’t want anyone touching his stuff. And he definitely doesn’t want to get rid of his stuff. He is not a messy person, per se. I just would prefer all flat surfaces to be completely empty. It’s calming to me, and 100000x easier to clean.
The not putting things back in the cabinets is mostly laziness… though one could counter, a time saver by having it sit on the counter vs opening/closing cabinets and drawers. It’s not everything that gets left out, just the items used daily/multiple times a day.
Previous owners of our house left us their rolltop desk in the living room. H immediately claimed it, and it is overflowing with junk. Hasn’t cleaned it out since we moved in.
I do the bills – twice a month, take the stack and sit at my laptop. H likes to open the mail and leave the contents strewn everywhere. My rule is touch it once – so the inserts and envelopes go straight to the recycling basket and I put the bills in a cabinet so they are there when I’m ready. H is kind of like the Peanuts character PigPen – he just trails detritus without even realizing it.
Both of my sons are good at cleaning – they’d do it reluctantly here growing up, though I suspect they now take the initiative thanks to their strong, non-nonsense partners!
Tried getting some decor items last year to spruce up our tired 40 yo furniture, but it didn’t go over well. Neither have the plants.
I have one DIL and S who are very organized, very neat, very clutter averse. They’re kinda judgmental too, if I have to be honest. I am sometimes uncomfortable in their house. They’ll look at me with disapproval if I put something in the garbage instead of the recycling bin, or if I leave a glass out on the coffee table.
I have another DIL and S who, by their own admission, “live like children.” Nothing is clean; everything is cluttered; dirty laundry is mixed in with clean, unfolded laundry; glasses are left out in the LR overnight; dirty dishes remain in the sink until they need them. I love them to death but it makes me uncomfortable when I go visit. I clean while I’m there, but I know it reverts back as soon as I leave.
I, on the other hand, am perfect. DH – uh, no. Just no.
I’m the same way. I also can’t deal with sound clutter, .e.g., TV is on and someone calls me or music playing and someone calls. I have to turn down the TV or music and concentrate on the call.
(I used to also struggle with magazines…New Yorker in particular I just couldn’t keep up with their once a week issues……so I ended up canceling bc seeing them stack up brought me anxiety.)
I just told my H last week I think I have finally realized that I am sound and light sensitive. I don’t like loud unneeded sound (like the tv on all the time) and if the inside lights are on too bright (we have dimmers!) I have a sense of light overstimulation!
I’m too very noise sensitive! Especially if said noise is coming from something political on TV or a random trоll podcast my husband loves to listen to. The Bose headphones are a godsend. I can enjoy the sounds of nature while we are sitting on the deck, and he can enjoy listening to some yakking head discussing why the Russian economy has not collapsed yet or a similar thing.
If one spouse prefers immaculate and the other is okay with messy or cluttered, or even wants it that way, I could see how this would be prime for conflict.
Fortunately, my husband loves that I prefer immaculate as possible, though I’m not OCD about it necessarily. He is also very neat, and picks up after himself for the most part. Only exception is his bathroom vanity. I have my own vanity, which is of course, quite clean and neat, so I can’t really make an issue of it really.
In general, I do most of the cleaning (and also have twice monthly professional cleaning), but I don’t mind since I’m not working. I’m happy he loves coming home to a sparkling clean house. It would be stressful if he was not so cooperative about picking up after himself and tolerating my need for clean.
Both of children’s spouses have all these rules for their stuff. Mostly dishwashing.
One kid, the hand washing is nuts. I will try and help by loading the dishwasher but they take out half of the stuff to hand wash. I understand knives but measuring cups? And every spatula? They told me the numbers might wash off the measuring cups. I told them that you can buy new measuring cups for like $5
The other one, I put a knife in the sink to wash. I was told that knifes cannot touch the stainless steel of the sink because it will dull the knife.
I said that I was sorry I wasn’t aware of that. I was told it was one of the rules. And then sighed and said so many rules!
I’m curious, do you have rules on utensils or how things need to be done. Because I am always struggling to follow all these rules that I had no idea about. And it’s stressful.
I’m not talking about hand washing your nonstick pans. I wasn’t there on the day they handed out all these cleaning rules!
Oh my, no rules here. I’m very clean and tidy but if someone wants to help clean up after a meal I’ve cooked they can do as they think best. I can always re do later.
My DH is clean but sloppy- mostly just his clothes. I help him out a bit and we both just try and respect we’re different. He has gotten much better over the years, I think he realized how much work I was doing to keep things orderly.
I have a friend who invites me to her vacation home a few times a year. It is lovely and perfect but it is not relaxing! When we change the sheets before we leave she hovers over me making sure I’m boxing the corners to her level of perfection.
No rules here but no cooking knives in the dishwasher. That’s about it. There’s a couple things my husband has rules for but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
My friend is a clean freak (although health issues have slowed her down) and as much as I love her I never looked forward much to visiting her at her home. You couldn’t leave anything around more than a few minutes without it being whisked away to the kitchen sink.
Now her husband has had to do more chores around the house (because she can’t) and honestly nothing is ever good enough for her–I finally told her she HAD to stop being a nag and quit complaining about how he does things (which he does fine BTW) or he wouldn’t be doing anything at all very soon. She says she isn’t complaining but she just doesn’t hear herself.
No cooking/prep knives in the dishwasher. If putting steak knives in the dishwasher they go in the shallow top rack. (My dishwasher has three racks.) Iced tea spoons, larger serving spoons, and spatulas also go in this rack. I prefer flatware in the utensil caddy but won’t move them unless I need the space for items that won’t fit in the caddy.
My pots and pans are hand wash only. As are the food chopper parts and mixer blades. Stainless steel mixing bowls and metal bakeware are hand washed, glass/ceramic casserole and baking dishes and plastic storage containers depend on how much room is available in the dishwasher.
I reserve the right to rearrange the dishwasher to fit more dishes into it. Dh hates when I do this but I would rather have fewer dishes to hand wash. Any dishes that are dirty but do not fit in the dishwasher are hand washed when I start the dishwasher. I do not like dirty dishes on my counter or in my sink overnight (or really any time but dh won’t wash dishes and sons use cold water.)
It’s “CDO.” In alphabetical order, as it should be.
Yes, because if I reach for a kitchen utensil/knife/pot/pan/bowl that isn’t there because someone misplaced it in the dishwasher, I will go nuts. And never in a million years would I shell out $5 for something that should never need replacing. That $5 will come out of the pocket of the miscreant.
(See, I shouldn’t be reading this thread.)
But, to my credit, I never “clean” while guests are present, and I don’t let guests “help.” All that can wait until after they are gone.