Close Mother-Daughter Relationships

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am really glad to see this topic. My daughter and I have actually become much closer since she started college (this, after a pretty rocky spell in middle school and early high school. I am so glad that is over!) We talk about big stuff and stupid stuff; we watch “Say Yes to the Dress” and “Teen Mom” together; we both love goofy horror movies on the Sci-Fi channel … and so on. In many ways we are temperamentally similar, which accounts for some of the closesness, but in other ways - we’ve just grown into this relationship. </p>

<p>When she’s at school she calls me at least once a day, and at first I worried about that (Queen of Needless Worrying) - especially after reading some of the helicoptering comments here on CC. Was she calling me too much? However, I soon realized that our phone conversations usually occur when she’s walking to/from class or to/from the el. Apparently I’m just time-filler, but that’s okay.</p>

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<p>I envy you all. :slight_smile: I’m 18 and i’ve never been close with my mom; we have a pretty tumultuous relationship. These past two years was the first time she has lived with dad and i permanently. Before, she was always away overseas and i’d only see her about twice a year when she comes to visit us so i guess you could say i’m a ‘daddy’s girl’. (they’re not separated) Then she did something really horrible that nearly broke our family up, and it’s something that i don’t think i’ll ever forgive, or at least not forget. Since living with her, i’ve gotten to know her a lot more and just find that my values and way of life are just completely different to hers. I totally envy my friends’ relationship with their moms; people who have a girls night shopping and doing dinner, doing girly stuff together like friends. I could never have that with my mom.</p>

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<p>Me too. I love that position. </p>

<p>Good luck to everyone in thier first year of figuring this out. I honestly wouldn’t let it worry you, either way. But that’s just me.</p>

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<p>I feel very fortunate to have a close relationship with my daughter. When she’s away at college (just started junior year) we do talk nearly every day (she usually initates the phone call) but we don’t text, and are not FB friends. We have a close, comfortable, candid and loving relationship, and I think it grows out of a combination of our respective temperaments and the parenting styles of H and me. At her first visit with her new doctor after she “graduated” from her pediatrician, she requested the HIPPA forms to give H And me access/authority to act on her behalf if neccessary. She told me that the doctor raised her eyebrows and said she had NEVER had a young person voluntarily do that!</p>

<p>She often asks for feedback/advice and uses me as a sounding board when she’s working out thorny issues. But now that she’s an adult, she makes her own decisions (even though sometimes I have to bite my tongue!l) and so far, so good…</p>

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<p>I have a really close relationship with my mom, but I didn’t always. We like to think it was forged by all the yelling and screaming we did when I was younger. :stuck_out_tongue: But as I have gotten older I have matured, and she has come to know me better and respects me more, so now we get along great. She’s my best friend. We do still fight occasionally, but we are very, very different in personality so occasional clashes are inevitable, I think. I don’t call unless I have something to say, but we text every day and I probably end up calling once or twice a week just by chance.</p>

<p>I have never been criticized offline for my relationship with my mom, and though I don’t know for sure I don’t think she has either. I have, however, been criticized here for how much contact I keep with my mom. I just figure they don’t know my family. My mom is really close with her mother, too-- they don’t get along very well at all but they are still very tight with each other. My grandmother drops by to visit all the time and she probably calls every day, and that is okay for my family. In other families it might be overbearing.</p>

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<p>Ruby, your post made me sad. I hope that, someday, an older woman comes into your life who can fulfill, partially, some of the role of the mother you wish you had. And it may happen! I have several friends who get that kind of maternal nurturing from their mothers-in-law (yes, it’s true), from older co-workers, neighbors, etc. In fact, although I’m somewhat close with my own mom, I also have a friend 20 years older than me who also fills a “maternal” role in my life. I’m sorry that you haven’t had that kind of relationship with your own mom, but I think you’ll be able to have it with someone else at some point in your life.</p>

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<p>I also have a very close relationship with my daughter. It has been a difficult transition sending her off to college, but hearing her being so excited about her classes, new friends, etc. has made it easier. When she first left, I requested she call/text/email/fb post to let me know she is ok, but as it turns out, she calls everynight just to talk about her day with me. Yes, we are facebook friends, and I am also friends with many of her friends that are like my own kids. It is a great way to stay in touch with them all as they scatter.</p>

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<p>@momofsongbird, thank you for your support. The impact of the absence of a strong female role model just hit me recently as i was preparing an expository for english class where we have to detail our influences and the things that have shaped who i am. I hope, too, that i can find someone who can play a maternal role in my life. I feel like a lot of my insecurities stem from the lack this. So moms, hold tight to those bonds that you have with your daughter! She really appreciates having someone have their back unconditionally even though she may not always show it.</p>

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<p>THANK YOU for starting this discussion.</p>

<p>Our D, the oldest, will be starting college in 12 days. Although I have had moments of deep sadness and tears on occasion for the past 6 months, I have found myself uncontrollably weepy, in what seems like a non-stop fashion for the past week. I have used CC (usually as a ‘lurker’) for support, advice and general information. In the context of what is the ‘right’ amount of connection vs. what is smothering and clinging I’ve often found comments and judgments, which just struck me as wrong for my situation.</p>

<p>To be clear, D is not a sheltered, overly protected child who has never ventured from home. She spent several weeks during each grade school summer at camps far from home. D went to Costa Rica during the summer of freshman year; She spent 4 weeks in a dorm at a local (90 minute drive) university during her sophomore year while participating in a program. She spent 7 weeks of her junior year summer in Europe, also in a dorm setting. Each time she approached the opportunity with confidence and enthusiasm. Each time she texted, emailed, called on a very regular basis to share what was going on in her life. Sometimes it was funny, other times I could tell she was lonely, and sometimes she just wanted to touch base. Why should either of us now feel compelled to stop this level of intimacy because it may be conceived as ‘wrong’?</p>

<p>Those of us who take the time to participate on CC have raised our children to be very ready and able to take the leap into independence. Part of that is teaching them to know what they need, what makes their lives work, what feeds their souls and what supports them in good times and bad, what makes them happy. If that happens to be an ongoing communication with Mom and Dad. . . why is that a bad thing?</p>

<p>D’s University has a strong and active alum network. They recently hosted a gathering for incoming frosh and their parents. In the parent group – which included a recently retired faculty member – we were encouraged to support our young adults in adjusting to their new environment. This support included remaining in contact, if possible visiting and taking a group of their new buddies out to pizza, coming for sporting events and cheering etc. </p>

<p>Given the isolation and disconnect in our general society and the long term negative consequences, it is my opinion we should nurture and cherish our heartfelt connections. If these connections are Mom’s with their daughters ( and often H’s will follow our lead) then this a good thing and not something to be eradicated or hidden in shame</p>

<p>Oh . . and while I was ranting away. . . D texted from BF’s house – new Project Runway tomorrow at 9:00 p.m.! I texted back that I’d supply the fatty dessert of choice and if she washed her beach stressed feet we could exchange foot rubs. Her response – SWEET DEAL!</p>

<p>Sweet deal indeed. In our hearts we know the right path, let’s just stick to it!</p>

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<p>My D & H & I are close in our own way. She isn’t much into communicating with people who aren’t physically present–or at least not H & me when she’s 2500 miles away. She does text/IM her brother, whether he’s here with us or 2500 miles away with her. She does call us when she has something she wants/needs to talk about. She does have long & deep conversations when she’s in the mood and is happy to chat when she’s not tied up with other obligations.</p>

<p>Our S is also close to H & I & of course D. He is a bit less forthcoming about sharing his thoughts and especially his feelings. He does a better job of keeping in touch with D & his cousin than he does with talking or texting us.</p>

<p>It works out & when they do want to chat, they know we are there for them. At times, they talk a lot more than other times. It works best for us when they’re in the “mood” rather than when WE want to chat. We’ve come up with what works for all of us. :)</p>

<p>We had expected it to be a tougher separation than it actually has been, perhaps because H & I still have each other, our jobs & interests, even when both kids are thousands of miles from our home.</p>

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<p>Collegeshopping and many others, I am glad to hear of your relationships with your daughters. My daughter uses me as a person to vent to, a sounding board, a person to celebrate with, and just basically a receiver of whatever she has to communicate that day. I’m honored to have that position and hope it continues even when she leaves home. Enjoy it (it sounds like you are)!</p>

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<p>Dietz - don’t feel bad about being “uncontrollably weepy.” Two years ago, before my D left home for her freshman year, I burst into tears at the grocery store because I realized this was the “last time” I’d be buying orange Fanta for her. I felt like such an idiot!</p>

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<p>lastbird, it will continue. I’m sure of it. It has for me.</p>

<p>I don’t think people should put so much thought into these kinds of things. We have the relationships we have because they work. If the relationship doesn’t “work” then it will change over time. Some kids like to spend time chatting with someone and some don’t. Some kids see interference where others see support. ALL kids love thier mothers, absent abuse or mental illness…it’s just natural.</p>

<p>Ruby…my sister in law was not particularly close with her mother. She loves the relationship she has with my mom, and my mother treats her no differently than she treats my sister or myself. When SIL had her first baby, my mother was just as much in her house as she’d been in ours, just as much with the “take a nap, I’ll clean up…no, wait, here, it’s easier to change the diaper this way. You NEED to make sure to take care of yourself.” She was just as much on my brother about getting in there so that SIL could get a break in the early going…I think that is probably when the relationship became very solid.</p>

<p>Of course, my SIL was very, very open to the relationship, so that’s all to her credit of being able to accept what was being offered. </p>

<p>The one thing I’ve noticed about both of my D’s is thier ability to be mentored and thier tendency to “collect” mentors…coaches, older students, teachers, bosses. They are very teachable and very appreciative of the lessons being given to them by the older women in thier lives. It’s not just with me. </p>

<p>In turn, I’ve noticed them taking on that role with younger girls, as well, the older they get. I have a great appreciation for this tribal quality in my girls.</p>

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<p>I have no daughters. I am very close with my boys, however it does get lonely being the only girl in the house. A tiny girl in the neighborhood once joined me to sit on the curb. She asked why ‘God’ had not sent me any girls. I said I didn’t know, He must have thought these boys were the right children for me. She thought and finally said…you must have done something very, very bad. With that, she was off to play again. :slight_smile:
I have always said, perhaps I would get lucky and one of my boys would marry and orphan.</p>

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<p>I have a very close relationship with both my boys. S1 is married to a only child who speaks to her mother at least 2-3 times a day but has issues when I talk to my son. She thinks he tells me too much stuff and we’re too close - he doesn’t and we aren’t. It’s to the point now that I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t so I’ve backed off. He is married to her, I’m not.
He did make a comment last week that I can call the house phone, he would like to talk to me me on a more regular basis. </p>

<p>S2 and I have discussions about anything and everything. There are times when I’ve told him that there are things I don’t need to know. :slight_smile: His GF is envious of the relationship that we have and told me that she wishes she could talk to her parents the way S2, H & I do. I told her it’s never too late to start.</p>

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<p>I wondered about the connection of close mother-son relationships and how that fits into relationships with gf’s. S2 has had one serious gf. I didn’t find out until after the fact that she wasn’t thrilled with my relationship with my son. Someone else had to point it out to me. I was so sad she felt this way.
I had the conversation with my boys early on that they would have many people in their lives that they cared about…not more, not less… just different. It’s not a competition and never should be. My mother told me to ‘Look at the way a man treats his mother. This is likely what you can expect.’. In the majority of areas she was spot on.
I’m sorry, this is about mothers-daughters so I’ll go back to the wood work. Any parent with a close relationship with their child is blessed.</p>

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<p>Nah, at some point nothing about mothers and daughters can exclude sons…since daughters date sons.</p>

<p>My oldest is a big fan of her bf’s mother. It’s a pretty serious long term relationship at this point, and I know when D visits him at home, my D and his mother go shopping and go to the pool together. Bf’s mother drove her to the airport last visit cuz he had to work. It’s not a competition.</p>

<p>I’ve actually pointed out to both my D’s that a boy who has a good relationship with his mother is much more likely to be respectful and communicative, and so far, this has turned out to be the case. My husband really likes BF, as well, and the two of them have gone off to do some “guy” things whenever he has visited us.</p>

<p>Maybe we’re just a strange family. Who knows.</p>

<p>I really wouldn’t like it, though, if I had a son and the girlfriend stood in the way of that relationship. JMO</p>

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<p>My 17-year-old daughter and I like to hang out a lot together. Sometimes I worry she should be out more with friends . . . we like the same shows (SYTYCD, Project Runway, House, Bones) and we both love to knit and sew and bake. She’s just a fun kid. I’m braced for when the first serious BF comes along and she isn’t around as much. Until then, I soak up as much time with her as possible. Did I mention she has great taste? I always defer to her in matters of clothes and interior decorating. I call her my bonus baby. I feel God sent me her to compensate for her older brother . . .</p>

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<p>I could see that there could be many interpretations of “standing in the way” of a relationship between a mother and son. Some mothers cannot accept that once their son is married or in a committed relationship that the primary female in his life will no longer be his mother, but will be his wife. She will be the top priority and thus some of those mothers conclude that the wife is “standing in the way” of their relationship.</p>

<p>I agree, though, that a good mother/son relationship is a beautiful thing. It seems like good Mom/daughter relationships are expected while sometimes close mother/son relationships aren’t given the same due. I have always encouraged my husband to not only bring his Mom along to many of our family events, but to take time apart from our family to nurture his relationship with her. Just the two of them go to lunch or dinner at least 3 or 4 times per month, if not more. This is good for both of them. I have heard of MIL’s making it very clear to their DI’sL that they are not really part of the “family” - they are outsiders. But just as often, I’ve known women who get completely bent out of shape when their MIL want to spend some alone time with their sons.</p>

<p>Happy mediums are a very good thing.:)</p>

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<p>Maybe it’s just my pool of acquaintances, but some of the mothers of sons I know are absolutely insane when it comes to their sons. These are intelligent, capable women who behave reasonably in every other area of their lives, but when it comes to their sons, seem to lose all rationality. I’ve even had one confess to me that she will never like her future son’s wife (he’s 13). Not surprisingly, the sons all act smothered. They all seem to have mastered the act of disappearing, sometimes right in front of you. I feel sorry for their future GF’s and wives. I know this is judgmental but I can’t help but think these mothers are not raising their sons to be good husbands. It seems selfish.</p>

<p>But back to the topic on hand. I have both a S & D, and find it much easier to be with my D. S & I are close, but definitely not like D & me. He would not like to talk to me every day, or check in with me about my day, which is fine. Aside from temperamental differences, I think the expectations are different – he WILL shift his alliance from me to his future wife and family, and I think he should. Whereas with my D, I expect her to live with me forever! (JK)</p>