<p>I read many threads here where a mom (in regard to her relationship with her daughter) will ask a question about how soon to do this or that, etc, and I am at times surprised that Velcro and Helicopter get thrown toward that poster when no one really knows the nature of the relationship. For me personally, I have an extremely close relationship with my daughter and we have a great deal of respect for each other, but at the same time I do feel we have lines drawn in regard to parent/child, responsibility, etc. She knows I will always have her back, and at the same time she knows I would never request a transcript for her, fill out an online form, etc, when that squarely falls into her “responsibility” factor. Now with that said, my D will call me to confide, vent, cry, foot stomp, jump for joy, laugh, giggle and just be her. She just happend to call me after school a few minutes ago, and right before her EC to let me know she had no reason, just wanted to hear my voice, wanted to know if I had a good day, shared a few quiz grades and gave me a run down of her homework, etc. In our family we have always stayed very connected and when I do send her to college I can’t imagine not talking her almost everyday because for us that is so very normal. I have this simlar relationship with my mother and my D has it with my Mom too. So I guess I am just putting it out there for all the mothers and daughters that have strong ties and bonds, that I think its cool that some relationships are just meant to be that way. No yelling, no fighting, no control issues…just people who really like each other, honor each others advice, enjoy each others company, etc. Anyone else feel this way?</p>
<p>Try having this sort of relationship with your son and see the types of negative remarks and stereotypes thrown your way. </p>
<p>Don’t mean to hijack your thread but the velcro label and snarkiness are not limited to close mother/daughter relationships.</p>
<p>As my kids have grown, I’ve found that there have been ages/stages that I’ve liked more than others. I liked the post-toilet-learning years much better than the diaper changing ones. I liked the early elementary years better than middle school.</p>
<p>I’m really enjoying their early adulthood, watching them take those first steps into the world, and all three of my kids and I honestly like one another. I do think I have a “closer” relationship with my daughters than with my son, and some of that could be gender (the girls share more daily details than he does), some could be personality (both of us tend to hide the deep and serious stuff with jokes and sarcasm) and some could be distance (he’s currently living the farthest away from home).</p>
<p>Denise…I have a pretty close relationship with two of my older boys, yet I tend to not let it be too close because it seems to cause conflict in their love lives…lol. But I do hear what you are saying.</p>
<p>I’m very close to my girls. we talk every day (as I speak to my mom and sister every day) because we like each other. We probably have different boundaries than some others. I won’t friend or be friended with them on Facebook and there are certain aspects of their lives that I’d prefer not to be involved in. However, there are some areas in which I am probably more involved. For example, my D called me today (first day of college classes) and asked me to check her email for the room number of an appointment. I don’t see anything wrong with that but one of my co-workers was bothered that my D had given me her password. I would never use it without permission, but if she asks me to do something, who does it hurt? I was raised in a family that believed “a son is a son till he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter all of her life” so it will be interesting to see how things play out with my Precious Baby King who brings up the rear of our family!</p>
<p>I have a very close relationship with my older daughter - she is very much “me” when I was her age in looks and habits. We were close before she went to school and have remained close. I don’t need to know what she is doing every moment, but especially for her first 2 years of college, she seemed to need/enjoy sharing many of those moments with me. LOTS of calls for nothing more than to say," that quiz I was worried about? I aced it!" or “can I just get something off my chest…” when she had a beef with someone. As a junior I didn’t always get a daily phone call (but often did) but at least a text with a few words about her or for me - “hope your presentation at work went well”. </p>
<p>So, quite likely that you will be able to enjoy many of the same habits your enjoy now with her. On the other hand, don’t take it personally if the habits change slightly or disappear for short periods of time.</p>
<p>I am fairly close with my daughters but the one who is more like me tells me more. I think your relationships soound great, to be envied. Perhaps people who judge are just jealous.</p>
<p>Nothing to worry about. Though we will worry. Too close, not close enough…</p>
<p>I’m close with my D’s and the one in college calls me more than once a day to check in, nothing earth shattering. She takes me with her sometimes for early morning coffee, as I imagine we’d be doing if she were living nearby.</p>
<p>The one at home is a little bit less chatty about her life, but she is a little bit less chatty in general and more of a physical child. However, I have overheard her state on the phone that she comes “from a close family. We all talk to each other about everything.” </p>
<p>I think it’s only wierd if it is the parent who is initiating contact in an overly needy or aggressive way. For me, I just let my girls set the pace, and it seems to be pretty regular. I’m good with that. I didn’t have children so I could never talk to them again once they left home.</p>
<p>I think poetgirl hit the important point - to me it is weird when the mom is calling the D repeatedly. I think the students should be allowed to call when they feel the need to talk. I’m happy with my once a week calls, it doesn’t mean I don’t like my daughter either.</p>
<p>Yep. I think the one at home will call a lot less often. She just has less to “say” about life. The other is a talker. I don’t think either is better, personally, or any real indication of “closeness.”</p>
<p>I am always amazed how quick some parents are to criticize other parents without knowing much of anything about them except that they may do things differently or on a different timeline.</p>
<p>I guess it starts when they’re babies, comparing how they parent to how other people parent. It may be a mechanism to boost their ego; ‘people who do it like me are good parents, people who do it too differently are bad parents.’</p>
<p>Personally, I wish everyone well however they do it. It’s none of my business, right? (As much as parents criticize each other --usually behind their backs or anonymously on message boards-- the kids whom they loved all seem to grow up just fine. ;-)</p>
<p>Colllege, I’ve been lucky so far because I really like all of my sons girlfriends and they like me. I tend to stay friendly with them after their relationships end because he does. He does come to me and ask questions about what the hell girls want or really mean when they say and do stuff. LOL. </p>
<p>I always tell him that if I knew I probably wouldn’t be driving your dad insane. :)</p>
<p>I hope to be a great MIL someday.</p>
<p>I talk to mine every day too. We share a sense of humor and talk about lots of little things.
But I am working on disengaging from the minute details of their lives and from giving too much advice.</p>
<p>poetgrl, I think you have my children. </p>
<p>D1 has called me every day at least several times a day (not including texts) this week (first week in college). I do think it will slow down somewhat when she acclimates, but she pretty much did the same thing in high school so maybe not.</p>
<p>D2 seems to be allergic to the phone. She doesn’t call her friends either unless they initiate.</p>
<p>I think my sisters called my mom a few times a week into their late forties (when she passed away). As for me (a man), not so much, only I wish I had called her more now.</p>
<p>Yes, I suppose I should say that I talk to my own mother several times a week, if nothing is going on, and once a day if “something” is going on. My sister and I speak daily. </p>
<p>None of us speak to my brother as often, but my mom talks to my SIL several times a week. They’re quite close, actually.</p>
<p>So, I suppose it just depends on what you’re “normal” is. I don’t really think any “way” is better than any other. My husband’s family barely speaks to one another on the phone at all, but they are still a loving family, imho.</p>
<p>I think some mothers just have closer, easier relationships with their daughters than others. In my experience, single mothers with only-child daughters are often extremely close.</p>
<p>The ties that bind my daughter and me are very strong. We recognize that our relationship is different from those of her friends and my friends, but our feeling is if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. We are very happy, we have never had harsh words or disagreements with each other, and we both acknowledge all the time how much this mother-daughter bond means to us.
Part of it, I think, is the result of extremely compatible temperaments.<br>
We have no intention of putting someone else’s “rules” or “boundaries” on our relationship. As someone mentioned earlier, I wonder if envy is behind some of the unkind comments about very close mothers and daughters. In any event, I know her departure for college will be tough for both of us, but I also know we will find creative and meaningful ways to stay connected. She’s a capable, independent person. Far from holding her back or somehow handicapping her, I’m pretty sure our extreme closeness has given her tremendous confidence and self-assurance in life.</p>
<p>dbwes- Same here. My daughter and I pretty much talk everyday. I talked with my mom about 3-5 times A DAY before she passed away. We would talk about something stuipd on TV, or a recipe, or “do you believe…”, anything trivial or important. I hope that I have this same kind or relationship with my daughter. Today she called after her first class. THen called again a few hours later to tell me a funny coffee maker story. We just texted good night. TOmorrow? Who knows…maybe a call, a few texts, or a FB message…we’ll just have to see:)</p>
<p>My D is an only child and we have a close relationship. She has no grandparents and only one first cousin, so we are a small family. I am working on not being overly involved in her personal life, allowing her to make her own decisions and I would rather she ask for advice, rather than offering it without provocation. I know she doesn’t tell me everything. I was the same way with my mother. I had to keep some things in my personal and sacred space, so I know it is the same for her. I’m really fine with it, because I know that one day she will only have herself to rely on and we will not be around forever. She knows that I have have her back and she will help me if I need anything. She often reminds me that she has to learn things for herself and that it’s ok if she makes a mistake. I keep forgetting to allow her that. I cannot nor should I try to fix everything.
We do text often and we can be playful and goofy with each other. We laugh a lot, fight, cry, eat, pray, love. Lol.</p>
<p>Excellent post #11, 'rentof2! I agree with every word, especially these:
I can understand people wondering where their parenting values fit in, and maybe thinking “I’m glad we don’t do it that way” when they notice something remarkably at odds with their own style. But the number of times a college-aged son or daughter calls to vent or celebrate or share some news, or whether the parent helps a lost kid get to an appointment on time long-distance, does not prove helicoptering. It’s troublesome if the parent is making that much contact to satisfy his or her own emotional needs. But that’s not what the OP is talking about, nor are any of the other posters on this thread. Helicoptering, or the even more obnoxiously named Velcro parenting, is a reliable media standby - it’s something people want to wring their hands over for some reason. (I remember when it was the day care debate.)</p>
<p>My kids tend to call in cycles, depending on what’s going on in their lives. I’m in very frequent contact with the 26 y/o because we’re planning a wedding and it’s convenient for us to talk when she’s stuck in Beltway traffic, which is frequently!
Sad but true, denise. I don’t have sons, but I’ve often thought of how unfair societal expectations are re mother/son relationships.</p>