In all instances, we were probably under-involved.
“When I went to college, I just drove off to college.” This is 100% my husband. He only applied to one college, never visited despite being in their honors college. When it was time to go, he loaded up his car and went, by himself.
I would say that I am involved in my kids’ mental wellbeing. I don’t interfere with social situations and would NEVER email a professor on their behalf. I do listen and give advice, although I am trying not to do the latter, unless asked. I agree that letting them experience failure will help them become resourceful and resilient adults. That said, there could be scenarios where it would be appropriate to interfere.
I continue to be shocked by the length that some parents will go to not only micromanage every aspect of their kid’s life but also almost curate it so perfectly, ensuring that everything works out in their kid’s favor. I see that daily on the college parent pages. They act like it’s the end of the world if their kid has to hustle across a large campus to make a class on time or, God forbid, has to encounter a dirty hall bathroom in a dorm.
This bit was interesting, because I think my largest involvement in college was helping the kids think through what “hard things” they should do to be best positioned for the future:
For kids to become capable adults, it is crucial that they build a sense of competency, Lahey said.
Confidence says, “I think I can do hard things.” Competency is saying, “I know I can do hard things because I have done hard things before,” she said.
I did step in a few times when my kids ran into few issues in college. They learned from me on how I resolved those issues. Both of them are very independent and doing well in their careers. I now ask them for advice sometimes. 
West Point takes a dim view of attempted parental involvement. Needless to say, there is none.
To be fair, I found some college administrators tended to brush off students. It was not until a parent stepped in that they started to react.
As a mom of 5, I describe my parenting style as benign neglect. I have never contacted a college for any reason. The last college application I’ve looked at was my own. When taking about my kids’ college journeys, I have never used the words “we” or “our.” I have no idea how students get their test scores to colleges. We are here to give advice if asked, and will do anything for our kids, if needed.
For both kids, they had no interest in handling any issues with billing (and both had at least one billing issue). We were paying so we handled anything related to billing…kids had to sign off on that.
I did advocate on my younger kid’s behalf when her private instrumental teacher resigned from her college. I asked the kid first and she was included on the email I sent to the department head. All I asked was that she be allowed to be on the search committee, even if it was only to be the student taking a lesson. She was the ONLY student taking private lessons on her instruments, and they happily agreed she should be part of the process.
And that was it.
I got involved only once, with a dorm issue. I simply left a nice voicemail informing the housing director that the dorm room D moved into mid year (fall semester was abroad) was absolutely filthy & no vacuum was available for D to use. I worked in higher ed, and I knew that my school’s housing folks would have wanted to know. I figured it would hold more weight if I called. I didn’t ask for anything - just wanted to let them know.
I was not at all involved with D20’s college experience/choices except to offer an opinion or advice if asked for it. Well, and I paid the bills, so I dealt with that aspect.
With D24, I am attempting the same level of disinvolvement. Admittedly, it is more of an effort on my part, as she is very passive, not at all proactive and I can see ahead to the less than ideal outcomes that are likely to occur based on some of her behaviors. That said, I am zipping my lip. Experience is the best teacher, right?
Given the cost of college…maybe a happy medium vis a vis your younger D?
Just join the Parents Facebook group of your kids school to witness some of the “overinvolvement”. I think there might be some parents sleeping under the kids bed post move-in. Life360 and other tracking apps can be a blessing but seem to be mostly a curse.
Because of the family financial involvement (choice), I am engaged so far as I want to see grades and have conversations with S23 about academic performance but I have these conversations with HIM, not the school.
We did get involved directly with the school twice. S23 has a dietary issue (celiac) that it was important to get the right paperwork and accommodations set up from the start. Another item was with transfer credit where he was getting the runaround from advising so I stepped in to escalate the issue to closure - keeping my son copied in so he could see how to effectively manage in the future.
Otherwise my wife and I play the role of advisor to him. I worked in administration at a College for a while, so know some of the things to keep an eye out for that he might not.
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