Co-ed sleepovers

<p>18 y.o. D wants to sleep over with coed group of friends at her friend's boyfriends house about an hour away. Plan is for a cookout, bonfire, sleepover. About 10 kids, one of whom is D's boyfriend. Parents will be home, although we don't know them at all. We know about half of the other kids.
H and I are opposed to this idea -- just don't think coed sleepovers are needed. We've actually never been big sleepover fans at all. D thinks we're waaaaaay too conservative.<br>
We were fine with the HS sponsored, heavily chaperoned post prom all nighter, but not so much with this.
Are we out of touch??</p>

<p>My girls knew that if they asked for permission, the answer would be a flat "No!" They also knew that eighteen was merely a stopover on the journey to adulthood, and comported themselves accordingly. There probably was an unchaperoned co-ed sleepover or two along the way. But it certainly worked out OK. YMMV.</p>

<p>Do you know any of the other kids parents who might know the host parents? This is such a tough question and I am glad it is not me who has to make the decision. They are probably all great kids and the sleeping situation will most likely be well policed, but from my own teenage years I know you can get into a lot of trouble during bonfires. That being said.....I guess I would rather have the kids sleepover than drive a long distance late at night. </p>

<p>The trick here is what lesson does your daughter learn from her open communication with you. She told you the full details and asked your permission. If you say no then next time you might only hear part of the story or maybe even a lie/omission.</p>

<p>No, you aren't. Unless you know the host parents very well, you are right to be skeptical. Even your D may not know exactly what the other 9 or more kids have planned.
Perfect scenerio - it's a blast, no alcohol or drugs, no persons of opposite sex sleeping or pretending to sleep on the same level of the house, chaperones like vigilant but fun ministers at a church lock-in. Lots of singing or game playing or old-movie watching. Eagle eyes on all bags that come in - no "water bottles", etc. If a kid is breaking the rules parents are called and the kid is out of there. That's a very hard role for host parents. Are they able to fill that role?
More likely - parents get tired and go to bed around midnight and those kids with other plans or low self control get into mischief or worse.
The killer for me would be that you don't know the parents and only about half the other kids.<br>
At our house this would be a "No, but you can go and we'll pick you up at 1AM".</p>

<p>Ooops, wait, is this kid headed off to college in a few months? I was reading 18 as heading into Sr. year.
If leaving soon, I'd be more likely to say yes. But even then, I'd try to ferrett out the alcohol plans and to have a long talk about responsible choices.
And as she leaves, whisper "We trust you to make the right choices" into her ear.</p>

<p>They are adults? How much do you dictate at this point?</p>

<p>If she was under 18 and it was my D, I would say "no way." At 18 however, I would just make sure she has adequate knowledge about drinking and driving, drugs, and birth control.</p>

<p>She is 18. Legally she can move out, join the military, get married, etc... I also think that whatever values you have tried to instill in her has already been soaked up - now it is a time to trust and understand that you can't always be there to protect your adult child.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Ooops, wait, is this kid headed off to college in a few months? I was reading 18 as heading into Sr. year.
If leaving soon, I'd be more likely to say yes. But even then, I'd try to ferrett out the alcohol plans and to have a long talk about responsible choices.
And as she leaves, whisper "We trust you to make the right choices" into her ear.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>We are struggling with this sort of issue with son right now. He's going on 19 and will be off to college in 6 weeks. At some point, you come to the conclusion that it might be better to let them experience some freedom while under your wing (when you can still whisper those wise words in his or her ear) than to wait until they are off to college and you have zero knowledge and zero control and, at that point, no way of giving them a little guidance.</p>

<p>If she's off to college this fall, I would let her. If she's only going into her senior year - I would be a lot more inclined to say no.</p>

<p>
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If she's off to college this fall, I would let her. If she's only going into her senior year - I would be a lot more inclined to say no.

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<p>I second this.</p>

<p>My daughter has had several coed sleepovers at my house when she was a senior in HS and it was fine. I knew many of the kids and did not have any problems. If they are heading off to college there is not much you can do, time to start letting go and letting them put to use what skills and values you instilled in them.. Also the message should be that I trust you to make the right decision.</p>

<p>I had lots of sleepovers growing up- with the kids, we had sleepovers in a tent in backyard- which they thought was a blast.
Now I don't recall many past the grade school age as being co-ed ,but one D came out as a high school jr, which was a surprise to her mom.</p>

<p>Couldn't then say- well you can go to friends houses to sleep over that are * boys* but not girls. ;) Her school also had lots of overnight trips- actually both did, I had chaperoned on some, and was comfortable with behavior.</p>

<p>First of all: think of it as college. Second of all: get really friendly with the BF's parents. The best opener is: How lovely of you to open your home to all that noise and confusion! (translation: Make sure that they know that there is a sleepover. If they don't know, they do now. And then, how are they going to handle it?) How can my daughter help? (Translation: What can she bring that shows our good faith that all will be well?)</p>

<p>I would have said "No" too, back when my D was 18, but now that she's all of 20, I can't really figure out why it was such a big deal. I mean, she was on birth control (we took her to the Dr), she had a steady BF, and she had plenty of chances for alone time with him if she wanted. She was, and is, essentially a very good girl with healthy relationships, so in retrospect, I can see that it wouldn't have made much difference. I suppose I thought it was important to take a parental stance, even though we did implicitly condone her activity by taking her to the Dr. In retrospect, I think the most important thing is to keep an eye on the big picture (your relationship with her) and try not to overreact.</p>

<p>I mean I'm a teen, so biased i guess, but i say why not? what are you scared of? what do you think might occur that your frightened of?</p>

<p>sex? your D has a boyfriend. she's 18. she's about to go to college. all you can do is make sure that if she decides to do so she does it safely. if she wants to she will find a way, whether or not there is a co-ed sleepover (where chances are unlikely since she will be around other friends and apparently parents)</p>

<p>drinking? if she hasnt yet, she will be exposed to it during college. again, if she wants to she will find a way to, if she doesn't she won't. do you trust that if she decides to drink she will be responsible in doing so? if not, you may have problems since she will be leaving next year and be free to do as she wishes. if you do then what is the problem?</p>

<p>why are co-ed sleepovers "not needed" as you say? it's just a chance for a co-ed group of friends to hang out, for multiple consecutive days. i don't understand what makes it such a big deal? </p>

<p>after prom my senior year me and my group of friends (about 16 of us, co-ed) went to a friend's lake house for the weekend. no parents.<br>
we had a lot of fun. swimming, canoe-ing, volleyball, made a home-cooked dinner, watched scary movies, bonfires, smores, it was great.
no drinking. we easily could have. we respected that her parents let us have the house and would never want to take advantage of their trust.
certain couples that were together for a while had the 3 private bedrooms. i'm guessing they probably had sex. i know for a fact that these couples had already done this prior to the trip.
yet the trouble that some of my friends had to go through to convince their parents was ridiculous. you're sending them away in a few months, they are going to live in co-ed dorms the entire year, what are you going to do then?</p>

<p>Altho I did say I'd let my 18-yr-old D go to a co-ed sleepover, I agree with OP that they are "not needed." We have never been big fans of sleepovers of any kind either, as they invariably result in a cranky, moody child that puts a damper on the entire next day and makes any activity requiring a high level of performance impossible.</p>

<p>This has been discussed before, but I also would not be willing to host a co-ed sleepover, because I am not comfortable with the prospect of people I don't know very well or at all, having sex in my house.</p>

<p>just fyi, kids generally consider an environment in which they are surrounded by their friends too awkward to have sex in.</p>

<p>just saying.</p>

<p>I think that after a kid graduates from high school and is 18, they really should be encouraged to make the decisiosn on their own. </p>

<p>I'd simply remind my kid of what we expect as parents and then let the kid make the choices on whether he/she wants to go and what he/she does at the sleepover.</p>

<p>It'll make them feel good about their new freedom, but it'll also make them realize that they are responsible for the choices that they make.</p>

<p>Whether it is "necessary" or not is beside the point. This is the summer between high school and college. I don't think that they are doing anything that requires a high level of performance. This isn't like during the school year when they are taking tons of exams and focused hard on college applications and scholarships.</p>

<p>"just fyi, kids generally consider an environment in which they are surrounded by their friends too awkward to have sex in."</p>

<p>Excellent point. I would be much less anxious about a sleepover. I agree with another poster, I'd rather they sleep over than try to drive home.</p>

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just fyi, kids generally consider an environment in which they are surrounded by their friends too awkward to have sex in.

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<p>That's what I thought, too, but I have been told repeatedly by actual kids that I thought wrong.</p>

<p>Notwithstanding, I'm of the "what are you afraid of?" persuasion. There's nothing bad they can do at a co-ed sleepover that they can't do easily without a co-ed sleepover. Several co-ed sleepovers occurred at my house back when my kids still lived there -- sometimes planned, sometimes spontaneous -- with no ill effects, no cranky, underperforming teens, and no sex. And that was before they were 18. It's just not that big a deal.</p>

<p>In addition to which, if you are talking about kids who have graduated from high school, the "give them freedom now while you can still watch what happens and whisper in their ears" theory is pretty darn on target.</p>