College admisions essay. Reviews/comments welcomed!

College Essays
1

<p>Here’s my essay.
PROMPT:
Tell us why you decided to apply to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. In addition, share with us the academic, extracurricular, or research opportunities you would take advantage of as a student. If applicable, provide details of any circumstance that could have had an impact on your academic performance and/or extracurricular involvement</p>

<p>ESSAY:
Growing up, I always thought the elderly were adorable. Their soft voices and silly worries made them so fragile. I felt bad for all the elderly men and women who were confined to their tiny room in nursing homes and never got a single visit from family. I couldn’t imagine that being me stuck all alone, so I decided to pursue a career in nursing. I wanted to relate to the residents and make sure they were cared for. None of the tasks like bathing or changing that seemed to bother other nurses bothered me because I was so devoted to making their life better.
During the summer of 2012 I went to Mexico for a month. I stayed in a beautiful house, in a wealthier neighborhood of Mexico. I knew very little Spanish, but was generously helped during my stay. I became in love with their language. I loved the way the different vowels sounded rolling of the tongue and the multiple slang words they spoke. I wanted to know more; I wanted to soak up the language. Now I was caught between pursuing my dream of becoming a nurse or learning a foreign language. The more I contemplated about which career path I would choose it became evident what my decision would be As much as I loved the elderly, I wouldn’t work in nursing homes. I wanted to travel to Spanish-speaking countries and practice my nursing skills with people who didn’t have the luxury of taking a trip to the hospital. I wanted to be the one to care for them; I wanted to help change lives.
I visited Madison my freshman year in high school with my dad, whom was always pushing me to go there. I noticed how the school was like it’s own little town inside a huge city. Everyone seemed so closely knitted together and the school spirit was phenomenal. From the moment I stepped on Bascom Hill and overlooked the university I knew that Madison was where I wanted to further my knowledge. In Madison’s School of nursing I’m offered the gracious opportunity of being taught by faculty with postdoctoral experience in Nursing and the luxury of working in advanced technological facilities. Not only will I get to learn from lectures and books, but I will get the hands on skills needed to become a remarkable nurse. I won’t forget to take advantage of the wonderful travel abroad program Madison has, where I am able to broaden my Spanish speaking abilities in a country where Spanish is their native language. Apart from the wonderful learning experiences I will receive, I also get to support my badgers at their sporting events. I won’t be afraid to proclaim my pride to all. College experiences are once in a lifetime experiences and that’s why I want to make those memories at Madison.</p>

2

<p>Thanks. Now I can finally submit my application to University of Wisconsin. All I was missing was the Why Wisconsin essay.</p>

<p>cheers</p>

3

<p>“tiny room in nursing homes”
-Combine to “tiny nursing home room”</p>

<p>“wanted”
-Check your tenses. Should be want. This is throughout the essay. Read a sentence and if you are still in that “stage” it should be present tense. For example, you still want to make their life better, so it should be “I am so devoted to making…”</p>

<p>"None of the tasks like bathing or changing that seemed to bother other nurses bothered me because I was so devoted to making their life better. "
-Could be condensed to something like “From bathing or changing the elderly, tasks to care for the elderly do not bother me because Iam so devoted to making their lives better”</p>

<p>There is a huge streak of sentences that start with “I” in your second paragraph. This NEEDS to be fixed. Adcoms see this as a common mistake of inexperienced writers.</p>

<p>There is an “as” in the second paragraph that is capatalized.</p>

<p>I don’t get your dilemna in your second paragraph. You could easily study nursing and a foreign language in college. In fact, very rarely do people just major in a foreign language. It doesn’t seem like a dilemma. I read further and you say that you can do them both, so why did you initially try to add drama by saying, “I CAN ONLY PICK 1 :((((” Seems very unnecessary.</p>

<p>“I wanted to travel to Spanish-speaking countries and practice my nursing skills with people who didn’t have the luxury of taking a trip to the hospital. I wanted to be the one to care for them; I wanted to help change lives.”
-Did you want or do you still want to do this? Should be “want”</p>

<p>“whom” should be who</p>

<p>“I noticed how the school was like it’s own little town inside a huge city.” Delete, they know this. They don’t need factual information about their school. The word “like” makes you sound slightly unintelligent too, at least when I read it.</p>

<p>“I’m” In college essays, you should always do the longer form because it is easier to read and more professional. Change to “I am…”</p>

<p>“I knew that Madison was where I wanted to further my knowledge.” Sounds awkward. You can’t further knowledge. You can, however, continue your education.</p>

<p>“Madison’s School of nursing” Should be “Nursing”…</p>

<p>“I won’t forget to take advantage of the wonderful travel abroad program Madison has, where I am able to broaden my Spanish speaking abilities in a country where Spanish is their native language.” Doesn’t every college in existence have such a program? I would delete. It is quite evident that you would study abroad. They read this reason 2942398243 times a day.</p>

<p>All of your will’s should be would since your acceptance is conditional.</p>

<p>“I also get to support my badgers at their sporting events” This is present tense. Should be future conditional… “I would also get to…”</p>

<p>I find your last sentence cheesy and it isn’t satisfying. Refer back to your first/second paragraph in your last sentence so it is all bundled together.</p>

4

<p>Okay quick review:
-Check sentence tenses.
-Try to minimize weak verbs. Right now, you are using ALOT of "was"s</p>