<p>Big ticket items! We’re much more successful in the college department than getting my 79 y/o mom to move to a retirement home. One minute she wants to go, the next she want to stay put. She has made a refundable deposit at a retirement home near my sister. My two sisters and I do not live in her community. I’m the closest at 3 hours. There are some health concerns and major pack rat issues. </p>
<p>I’m wondering if anyone else is dealing with elderly parents as well as college bound students.
Any strategies to share?</p>
<p>You might search for old threads on elderly parent subjects, there have been a few.</p>
<p>My in laws are far from both kids and are failing but have decided to live in their home as it’s own asst living center, they have a house cleaner once a week, a gardener, a pool guy, and a home aid who comes twice a week for help with showers. It is what they want and it is working, at least for now, but it is hard to be so very far away. On the other hand they have lived in that home since the 1960s and have a local group of friends who are their support and I am grateful they are not here needing emotional support from me every day!</p>
<p>OTOH, my parents moved to my town a year or so ago and they are in their own home and it works wonderfully, but we all get along extremely well, it would all depend on the relationship. My family actually enjoys my parents and no one, not even my DH, enjoys time spent with the in laws :(</p>
<p>If you can have your Mom spend some recreation and meal times at the retirement home she may change her mind. My mom hated the idea until she moved in and within a few days she loved it.
In this economy the retirement home may be willing to let you try it out.</p>
<p>I wish my mom was easy! My inlaws are. They got their house ready to sell, found a retirement home and moved in without any help from us. We live quite far and fortunately my husband’s stepmother’s daughter lives in the town where they do. They moved to be close to her. Smart.</p>
<p>My mom would do well in a home and enjoys visiting them. She thinks a lot about it. That’s all though - no action on the home front. I’ve tried to help her clean when I visit every couple months but it always turns into an argument and our relationship is strained. She has a hard time getting rid of things. She clips newspaper articles and wants to save them because she enjoys reading them, but doesn’t really because they are lost in the stacks of papers. She doesn’t balance her checkbook and has all her bills automatically paid for. She’d love if I came every month and balanced her checkbook and pay the bills. </p>
<p>She stopped getting a cleaning company because she didn’t want to spend the money. She can’t clip her toe nails and really needs to see a podiatrist. My daughter saw her feet uncovered and said her nails were curling over her toes. Mom refused to let me look. I suggested she see a podiatrist and was told to stop nagging. </p>
<p>Friday she is having a cardiac catherization. My sister is going. My sisters don’t feel as strongly as I do about helping her go to a retirement home. If she doesn’t move, it will require more frequent visits which is not easy when I have a job and commitments at home. </p>
<p>Oh Suzki…it sounds like she really does need to go to a retirement home. You are going to have to work on your sisters so you are all on the same page on it.</p>
<p>I guess I’m learning I can’t make her and can’t help her unless she really wants to move, which requires letting go of so many possessions and memories. I guess I just wait until she implodes?! It’s hard to watch though.</p>
<p>My inlaws are in their 80s and still live in their family home (which they maintain spotlessly by themselves).</p>
<p>When they were in town for Easter, I drove them by some brand new, over 55 townhouses within walking distance of our home. My father-in-laws comment: “looks like a prison for the living dead.”</p>
<p>No great advice but words of enouragement … this is a very tough situation. This week I said to Mom3togo … it’s a strange time in my circle of life … I have one headed to college (my oldest child) and one headed to daycare (my oldest parent). And my mom is not going quietly … for me the biggest challenge is living with decisions my parents make that I TOTALLY disagree with (for example, my Mom drove for at least a year longer than she should have) … dealing with our parents aging is not fun, stresses the relationships, and has no good ending … but we will work through it as a family! Good luck working through things with your family!</p>
<p>My 80-year-old mother put her name on a waiting list for a very nice retirement village a little over a year ago after my father died. In that last year, though, she has been working like crazy at cleaning up/out accumulated crap my dad had bought, has had her lawn/garden re-done, is going to pull up carpeting, re-finish floors, buy new furniture, . . . in short, all the things she couldn’t get my dad to agree to. I must say our old family home hasn’t looked better in decades.</p>
<p>A week or so ago she got a call from the retirement community that they had two units to offer her. After being very excited about the thought of relocating to a smaller place with no lawn to take care of, she has now very much backed off that, at least for now. She said no thanks to the retirement place (although I believe can now get a unit pretty much at will). Part of that can certainly be attributed to how much more she likes her house now, but I think the main reason is more basic than that. She has said several times that people move into the retirement place but never move out. In her mind, they go there to die. (And, really, isn’t that true?) She is not ready for that. And I certainly wouldn’t want to push her into it.</p>
<p>Yes, and Monday, there is a “show cause” hearing to determine whether to go to trial to have my mother declared incompetent (numerous doctors have declared her so) and have a guardian of the person appointed. (I also have an IEP meeting at my son’s school on Monday; meet me in the bar Monday evening and the drinks are on me!!) A guardian of the property has already been appointed. She wants to live on her own in her own home; she needs 24-hour care. (Never mind that the bathroom floor in her home is threatening to cave in.) She’s been released from care facilities before after arranging 24-hour care, at the insistence of the facilities, and then she gets home and fires the care workers after a couple of days/a week or so.</p>
<p>She’s in a care facility now and is required to stay there by court order (yee-haw) until at least the show cause hearing, and, if we proceed to a trial, until the trial.</p>
<p>owlice, I’m so sorry, what a terribly stressful situation. I must insist that you let me pick up the drink tab, you’ve earned the top shelf drinks of your choice. I hope that things go as well as they can.</p>
<p>ingerp - it seems to me your mom is on the ball and probably isn’t ready for retirement home living yet. At least she’s ready to move when the time comes. </p>
<p>owlice - wow - your story helps me put things with my mom in perspective. How did you come to needing court intervention?</p>
<p>This is a tough situation. My mom lived with me for a while (twice) then lived with my brother. When he and my sister-in-law could no longer care for her, she went to an assisted-living facility and passed away about a year and a half later, very suddenly. She had been sick a couple of times while in assisted-living and we thought we were going to lose her but she bounced back. When she did pass away, she was fine in the afternoon and talked to her best friend by phone and told her she would call her back after dinner. Around dinner time, I got a call from one of the nurse’s aides who told me she had passed away. I called her friend right away because I always promised her I would let her know if something happened to Mom. We were both so shocked we couldn’t understand it. She had cataract surgery scheduled for later in the month and was looking forward to her vision improving. All I can say is there is never enough time to share with those you love, even when they are being difficult (and my mother could be difficult, believe me).</p>
<p>One thing I learned is that states have very different estate laws, so have an estate lawyer look at her finances. A few months after she passed, I got a letter from the state of Idaho requesting information on any finances she left behind including insurance, property, bank accounts. Because she was on Medicare, they would have first claim to anything left by her estate until her full bills (around $64k) were paid. She didn’t have any estate so that wasn’t an issue for us, but it could seriously impact you if you’re in a different situation or expecting an inheritance.</p>
<p>I just got pulled into this myself. I wasn’t expecting it. I have a daughter getting ready to apply to college and a mother suffering from Parkinson’s. It turns out that out of all the siblings (4), the only one with kids (me) has to now take care of the folks too. Why is it like that? </p>
<p>Thanks for starting this thread it is what I needed today.</p>
She is also 88.<br>