<p>So my parents are separated and I talk to my dad daily for about 10 minutes over the phone. Every time we talk, we talk about college applications. My dad is not very knowledgeable about how this process works – Let’s just say my dad is not coming onto college confidential every night talking about “S1 and S2.” He knows that I’m a very good student and I’m applying to a number of very competitive colleges with the intention of going engineering. He knows that I’ve submitted my applications everywhere and am just about done with the whole process.</p>
<p>Despite all this, he is constantly bugging me about talking to people involved in engineering and offering to let me talk to his “friends” or “friends of friends” who claim to work in the field. On top of that, he is unrelenting in his asking if I have everything done and sometimes says “I feel like you don’t care/I feel like you aren’t taking this seriously enough,” which couldn’t be further from the truth. Everyday it’s the same thing – “Have you heard anything new?” (What was I supposed to hear?); “Why haven’t you finished x supplement yet?”; “Why have you not scheduled interviews yet?” etc. Mind you, my dad has not been involved with my education at all for the past four years and for some reason he feels it’s his place to step in now and try to give me guidance, even when he has no clue what he is talking about. When I deflect it at him, asking why he hasn’t been willing to take me on college visits (I’ve only seen 2/10 schools I’m applying to and they are all within reasonable driving distance), he says “That’s not my job, it’s yours.” Every time I hang up the phone there is tension between us and one of us is mad about something…and I am just really am sick of letting something like college apps slowly ruin our relationship. I’m so ready to just get my decisions, enroll somewhere, and be done with this.</p>
<p>Students, has anyone had a similar experience? Parents, what advice could you give me?</p>
<p>My opinion is that the application process is serving as a catalyst for issues between the two of you that were already there. You’re both doing the same thing really – he’s trying to tell you how to apply and you’re trying to tell him how to parent you during this process.</p>
<p>My advice is to take a little of his advice, even if you think it’s misguided. What would it hurt to talk to people involved in engineering if that’s the field you are interested in? It’s actually a pretty good idea and you might get some good tips. I think it’s common for a lot to get stirred up during this process. Some parents get to the 11th hour of parenting and try to cram a lot of parenting in and if it wasn’t there before, the kid can feel resentful. But it’s probably coming from a good place. Almost all parents love their kids and truly want their kids to succeed.</p>
<p>I don’t know you, nor your Dad, I don’t know if what I am guessing is true, but when I annoy my kids by bugging them about apps, etc, I am doing out of love and hope that they will take advantage of every opportunity and I also assume they may not know as much as I do. I wish I had known when I was 18, what I know now about college apps (other things too!); heck, I wish I had known with my first DDs apps what I knew after that year…which knowledge I used to better assist my younger kids when they applied.</p>
<p>If you try to listen from a point of view that he wants the best for you and is scared you will miss something, can you then accept his comments with a better point of view?</p>
<p>I may be wrong, he may not be helpful. I know we have one grandparent who has called to offer educational advice for years; he is not in the know about things, he only goes by what friends have told him and there is the definite feeling that causes one to be defensive. It is as if he is trying to catch us making a mistake so he can be right about his advice. I do know he cares deeply, but he is annoying in his demeanor. I just roll with it, try to steer the conversation with a report or an update that he can understand and I don’t argue with him, I let him feel his advice has been considered, whether it has or not ;)</p>
<p>Parents DO do this.<br>
Just as you are now entering a period of transition, so is he. After years of being older and wiser than you, now you’re catching up in the latter. Some of us like to be involved in this “I’m still wiser” way. Or, we look back on mistakes we made during this period in our own lives- or things we now realize we should have done- and think we can somehow steer you to avoid our goofs. </p>
<p>So, he wants you to talk with someone in engineering. A respectable answer might be, “Ok, thanks, great idea. But right now I’m focused on the application paperwork; that’s a priority. Maybe, in the spring.” The advantage here is you put him off in a way that is neither flat out rejecting his offer, nor implying he is intruding. Say it nicely and it’s a win-win. Of course, he’s still aggravating. So be it. (Btw, speaking with someone is usually far, far less embarassing than it sounds. And, learning how to reorient the conversation in a positive way will be a significant life skill and helpful in your future relationships and career.)</p>
<p>Same advice in the other respects.<br>
Your attempt to “deflect it at him, asking why he hasn’t been willing to take me on college visits” is not deflecting or successfully running the pass around the opposition: it can be seen as criticizing.
Think about making this a win-win. You’re 17 or 18 and just starting your move toward independence; it’s a valuable lesson to learn how to negotiate. People in your future will hit you with far worse s…</p>