I definitely don’t think that every poster was some sort of crazy person… Like another poster said, it is definitely okay to ask, but once a No comes out, it is counterproductive to ask the question over and over again and to then to devalue the whole purpose of the thread.
I like those particular journey threads too, and I struggle to keep up at times due to their popularity (so many posts every day), and some of the disagreements hashed out betwfeen posters from time to time…
@MaineLonghorn nothing wrong with scoping out old posts, but I didn’t love the way it was brought up, that’s all. I never posted on that thread because I mostly like to stay out of things but I did have views on how it went down, which is why I added my 2¢ here.
I have been on this forum for a long time. I do find it annoying when an OP is asking for help, but is unwilling to share relevant information. At the same time I do respect someone’s desire to not over share. When it happens I’ll just leave the thread. IRL I do not appreciate it when my friends do not expect my privacy and continuously ask me for information that I do not want to disclose. As an example, if I say my kid is waiting to hear back from a potential employer and my friend keeps on asking who is the potential employer, 1) it is not relevant to our discussion, 2)if I wanted to you I would have told you already.
One needs to be thick skinned to participate on CC (or any forum), because there’ll always be some jerks posting very inappropriate remarks. You know who they are on CC.
I read but did not participate in the thread. I disagree that the thread was high jacked. I think the thread played out to its natural consequence when the original OP started referring to it as MY THREAD.
Also, the OP of this current thread says it was unfortunate because the original OP was one of a few black parents on CC. But that OP maintained that his child’s URM status was not relevant to the journey.
I don’t post in the journey threads as I think it’s unpleasant when the OPs in those threads try to establish property rights over the evolving discussions and start chastising commenters for asking questions and making comments.
That was relevant to me… I know as an African American male how important it is to have representation and see that things are possible. Because without those type of role models like his son when I was younger, I would not have made it out of my own early circumstances. His son’s journey, like those of most Black men will matter in ways that are hard for me convey in a CC post. The OP of that thread is also important to me as his voice is an unique one that is sorely lacking on CC…
Thank you so much for posting this thread @ChangeTheGame. I followed that thread and my heart went out to the OP. I really enjoyed the small part of the Journey that was posted and was really disappointed when the OP decided to discontinue (which was totally understandable given the circumstance). My impression of the thread wasn’t that the OP was asking for help and refusing to divulge information but that he was sharing his Journey. As far as I am concerned the OP handled himself with the patience of a saint until the demands and rude insults began. The Op is human and responded. In essence he was posting about “His Journey” which is what I believed he meant. I do believe that some of the questions being asked would have been answered had people been more patient and let the thread continue instead of making demands and demeaning. It still seems that people are still justifying the behavior that took place as if it was ok. Watching this as well as other things play out here has definitely made myself and others that I have communicated with very hesitant to post and ask questions. As far as searching peoples posting history it does get creepy. I once posted something on a posting only thread (no responding allowed) and someone commented about it on another thread, not cool at all.
I completely agree that the OP’s experiences as a African American male are important, and so did commenters who asked him questions about it. It was the OP himself who stated that his son’s URM’s status was not important to the thread or to his son’s college acceptance experiences and he didn’t seem to want to engage in those discussions.
I saw that thread heading off the rails from the beginning. If the OP would have simply told the story of the “journey” with each chapter a separate post as he began the thread with, he could have shared as much or as little information as he wished. With that approach, he controls the narrative (which is what he seemed to want to do). As soon as he began engaging and responding to posts from others, the expectation of the thread as an exchange began.
If you want to tell a story, tell a story. If you want to have a dialogue, have a dialogue. It’s very difficult to do both.
The poster was not silenced. He asked to have his thread closed and the mods obliged. The mods are under no obligation to close anything that doesn’t violate TOS. I hope that poster comes back and tells us his son’s final choice.
@raincat , I’m the person who looked up that person’s posts. You will see that that poster actually said “I appreciate your posts”, in response to me. I wasn’t rude, condescending or snarky. I offered useful feedback. How would that be interpreted as “using it against” him, and why would I want to do that? My job literally involves helping kids get into college. The “way” in which I looked at his other posts did not undermine him or his child. I was confused, as were others. I used the tools here on this website to put together information to give clarity to the situation. Furthermore, the OP stated that he wanted others to benefit from his child’s story.
There is a very good reason CC doesn’t delete posts, or allow changes after 15 minutes. There is a good reason why others can see what you’ve posted. This website is first and foremost a place for others to get advice about the college process. More information gives others a frame of reference to help themselves or others.
Given the broad range of schools the OP’s student applied to, the financial needs of the student, and the academic status of the student, that post was helpful to many parents and their kids. If a user provides more context that is useful to others, I see no issue. This is a forum which is accessible to the public. It is not a private chat room.
“the thought process that anyone not sharing what I ask of them is not worthy to be heard.” But that’s also saying, anyone who needs more info is somehow not properly respecting the OP. Breaking etiquette. Really?
CC is a discussion forum and it’s difficult when some OPs self edit or self restrict to the point where a discussion is crippled. There are certain key bullets that are needed, for others to both process what you are saying and then give relevant feedback. My own feeling is, if you don’t want go there, in the first place, then reconsider the original decision to start the thread purporting to tell your journey, but skipping various details.
There’s a lot that that original OP thread stated that, to me, shows some incomplete understanding. Eg, the idea that, as long as there are safeties, one can defend applying to hundreds of reaches. Or that this is all about what the kid likes and wants, without regard to what he’s qualified for, in those targets’ minds. “His preferences dictated.” Very common on CC, as if a badge of honor. But while you can choose any targets you wish and knead them any way that makes them seem reasonable, in the end, it is the colleges which choose their admits. Not how much you want them, you approve of them, but the reverse: how much you get them to want you. That takes a lot of understanding. More than the limited info in the CDS.
And Duke doesn’t lower it’s standards for Early apps. They don’t set their expectations aside. The better admit rate applies to kids who do pass full muster, who do “match.”
So we end up arguing about who’s following some etiquette.
We are just beginning the college search and I’ve loved the few journey-type posts I’ve found on CC. Hearing how other parents and students approach the process and their different perspectives is really helpful. I wish the OP hadn’t requested the thread to be closed but completely understand why he did. I enjoyed reading his “chapter” posts in the beginning of the thread as his journey had unfolded so far. Hopefully he’ll come back and repost those along with the final “chapters” once decisions come in and his son makes his choice.
@CheddarcheeseMN Again, for me, being African American was more important from a role model/representation perspective. My interpretation of what the OP was going for was talking about his family’s process (timelines, importance of essays, getting fee waivers, etc.) which are not always about his son’s URM status, but it is always the “elephant in the room” because URM status is what most on CC want to talk about, especially when it comes to college admissions. The OP wasn’t asking for help, but sharing his story of some things that students of all races with a low SES background could do to in college admissions.
We are going to have to agree to disagree… On an online forum a poster can talk about what they feel comfortable talking about. I am not upset that someone asked for more info, but after asking repeatedly, and being denied politely several times, what was the point of requesting the same information over and over? The OP was not asking for anyone’s opinions on his family’s process. You are free to give those opinions and ask questions just as he is free not to respond to those unsolicited opinions and questions asked. But the mods had to jump in so whether you call that “etiquette” or something else, something went off of the rails with that thread.
I have talked to the OP directly and he probably understands more than most on CC about college admissions. He knows the conventional wisdom on College Admissions that is spouted on a daily basis on CC and wanted an unconventional plan built around his child’s wants and needs. Sadly, I am not sure if any of us will see the final results of that plan.
I was not part of that thread but just skimmed it. But I think when a respected member of this community @ChangeTheGame asks for us to be better then maybe we should try to do that. That is my take away and I thank him for the courage to making this point. We can all be better.
The OP said they already had affordable options. He just didn’t want to post the names or net costs. Implying that had the thread stayed open “one of the most important parts of the process for low SES students” might have become available is misleading. You may have hoped to convince the OP to give details, but that doesn’t mean he would have posted them. He was pretty clear that he didn’t want to provide those details.
How much a family is willing to pay matters, but it’s not the most important stat. Where the money comes from is. The OP can pay $2-5k, but his son has a ~$16-20k budget due to a combination of Pell, student loans, summer work earnings, and family contribution. It’s misleading to tell other low income families that you found several residential options, and imply that they can too if they only cast a broad enough net, without mentioning where the aid is coming from. Unless they’re also eligible for full Pell and have parents who contribute ~$5k their results aren’t likely to be similar.
The problem with threads that drop hints but neglect to clarify comments is that they tend to spread misinformation. OP posted just enough information for low stats/low income kids to think that residential college is a real possibility. It sounds like OP expects to have a range of affordable options (in state, OOS, publics, privates, LACs), but most low income kids won’t. They don’t have parents who can dig up $5k/year. Or they only get a small Pell Grant and that extra few thousand is more of a gap than they can close. Or they’re from a state like ours where even a full Pell Grant is swallowed up by state aid (a student who gets full Pell gets $6k subtracted from their state aid). I was a low income student so I get it. But many low income families who are new to the process might not.
I don’t think the OP ever intended to share results. If he did, there is nothing to prevent him with simply posting them in a new thread, and having it locked. We shall see if he does so, which will tell us a lot.
Everyone’s situation and journey is different. There is never going to be one path that makes sense for all, even if some of the stats and demographics align. IMO, the value of CC is being able to learn bits and pieces from many different posters and circumstances. No one post/poster is going to have all the answers but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t value in what is shared.
I read that linked thread just now expecting some drama, but gotta say IMHO on the whole it was pretty respectful to the OP. There were a couple posters sniping at each other that the mods shut down (see the coronavirus thread for real sniping), but in general the tone was appreciative of the OP.
Some people expressed the opinion that without more detail the thread had pretty much gone as far as it could go, but they weren’t rude about it, just stating their opinions.
These forums are for the free exchange of ideas, and the OP in that linked thread didn’t want it to go in a certain direction. But the adage “welcome to the internet” applies there - once you start a thread it’s pretty much out of your control. You can already see that this thread might drift into college costs instead of etiquette, for example. For cases where you want control of the narrative, a blog is a better venue.
For that OP and those who did find some of the posts in that thread offensive, I want to point out that there’s an ignore option for posters you don’t like. I mean that sincerely, not blithely - I use the option and it’s made my CC experience more enjoyable. That thread might’ve continued if the OP had simply started ignoring posters whose responses he didn’t like.
I think had the OP in the original thread wished to disclose his race or ethnicity, he would have done so (And I note no one ever asked it of him), and it is inappropriate for this thread to have done so. I do hope prior permission was obtained from that OP.
I found the thread very strange. After 28 posts of which 15 were by the OP, I asked if OP’s S was an URM, because there was no hint to that effect other than one mention of applying to an HBCU. His response was “Son is URM, not 1st Gen. I wasn’t sure that status actually mattered much.” AFAIK he didn’t at any stage say his S was African American. I drafted a response but decided not to post it because I could see the thread was already going off the rails.
I would have found it interesting to read a thread about the OP’s S’s journey (and have the greatest admiration for anyone who can motivate their kid to write 20+ applications and would love to understand more about how they did it), but without critical information to place the story in context, it is going to confuse a lot of people, not just me. Why is this low stats kid applying to such high ranking schools? We know Homerdog’s D is from a wealthy midwestern ORM family, we know KevinfromOC’s D is a Latina “unicorn” (in the words of one poster) from California. That sets their objectives and process in context. Yes, those threads have also got problematic at various times due to a lack of etiquette (mostly over the top criticism for applying/not applying to certain schools) by some posters. But I think this thread was doomed to failure by the OP’s lack of candor about key details.
CC is supposed to help other families learn what worked and what didn’t for those in a similar situation to themselves. If you don’t have sufficient context in a thread to understand the similarities and differences from your own situation, then at best the learnings are limited and at worst you might be misled into taking a sub-optimal approach for your own kids.
I completely understand not wanting to reveal acceptances and FA offers until the process is completed. In this day and age it might be possible to figure out the son’s identity.
I don’t think the poster owes anyone more info than he was willing to give out. He was not asking for advice, just trying to explain how he went about it.
Remember, just because a reader is curious doesn’t mean they are owed an answer. On CC or anywhere in life. The parent set a boundary and I am ok with that.