College Essay HELP Can some1 please edit it

<p>It is 4 p.m. on Tuesday. What will you do next? Write about your extracurricular pursuits. Why and how do you choose the activities you are involved in? How do your activities reflect your values and affect your school, community or the world? (500 words or less)</p>

<p>After a long day at school I love going to the recreational center. The recreational center is always so full of life. When your there, you will never feel bored. The facilities offer a wide range of activities, ranging from doing your homework in the computer lab to working out in the gym. You can enjoy all these activities at no cost. Why wouldn’t you take advantage of them? I have been a member of the recreational center for over five years. My dad loves going to the gym and playing basketball. He was the one that introduced us to the recreational center. Now, I would go to there on my own. I would go there for various reasons to use the computers for homework to relieving stress by swimming and working out. Other than going to the recreational center I participate in school clubs as well.
At school, I am a part of the chess club. I personally find playing chess fulfilling, it requires strategy and focus. Chess games are full of suspense and anticipation, especially when you are playing against someone you’ve never played against. You have no idea what your opponent’s strategies are and what their next move will be. It is always fun to challenge yourself by playing a game against someone who is good.
My activities show my involvement in the community. The recreational center is a big part of a community. Not only are you offered resources, you are also given a chance to interact with other people. There is a wide range of diversity, and you can get to know your community better. Being an immigrant to the United States, the recreational center along with school allows me to interact with people from different backgrounds. I’ve made some really good friends from playing table tennis, badminton, and basketball.</p>

<p>Bump Bump </p>

<p>Please Some1 help me out
I really need this essay…</p>

<p>I think you should change this part: “When your there, you will never feel bored. The facilities offer a wide range of activities, ranging from doing your homework in the computer lab to working out in the gym. You can enjoy all these activities at no cost. Why wouldn’t you take advantage of them?”
It sounds like you’re advertising the recreational center to me. Make it more personalized and focus on what you do there, not what others can do.</p>

<p>I think you should show, not tell. This is coming from someone who is into creative writing, but I think you need to put more of yourself into it, instead of, like jcabelleta says, advertising the recreational center. Briefly illustrate a normal day in the recreation center or other activities. Then lead into what you love about them. Spice it up a little bit! :)</p>

<p>I don’t think that this is the right place to ask for help on your essay.
I would ask an english teacher to review it with me. </p>

<p>I just have a couple of things to say about your essay though. Again, definitely have your english teacher help you edit because I see a lot of grammar mistakes (ex.: your/you’re*). Another issue I might bring up is that your essay doesn’t seem to have much depth; try focusing more on your thoughts and less on simply describing what you do in the req. center.</p>

<p>Also, some sentences sound… off. Ex."…especially when you are playing against someone you’ve never played against." Try rewording your sentences with more college-level vocabulary.</p>

<p>Good Luck!</p>