College essay on first job. Please criticise :)

College Essays
1

<p>As I walk in, I immediately get greeted by the smell of fresh coffee along with loud and impatient people. For the past 2 years I have been working at Dunkin Donuts, serving ‘custies’(as we refer to our customers) their coffee. </p>

<p>The people I work with make the job what it is to me. My experience with my fellow employees is what has taught me the most from my time at Dunkin. Over my two years many employees have come and go. Therefore, I have worked with adults who have kids and are just making enough to get by, and people like me, working part time to make some extra money and learn a few life lessons. Working with the lower income employees has showed that money has a much higher value to some people, and they appreciate many of the things that the more fortunate take for granted, such as something as simple as a car ride home. </p>

<p>I have learned a lot from working with a variety of employees. One thing is how to deal with drama in the workplace. Over my fairly short work life, I have experienced many employee on employee arguments, and even the somewhat rare employee on customer arguments, the key is how one deals with it. For quarrels with another employee you actually have to be a tattle-tale, no matter how childish it may be. If you try and take matters into your own hands when a problem is too big for yourself to handle, it can get ugly, therefore you should immediately tell your manager. I feel like this carries over into the social world as well, rather telling authorities than a manager. I quickly noted that you must not pick sides, or else you will be sucked into the drama like quicksand, and it will be a whole other job. On the other hand, if you get into an argument with an customer, you must act as kind as possible and find the solution most suitable for the customer. The main thing I have come to realize though, is that respect, in every form is the most important aspect of a good working environment. </p>

<p>The perk’s I have received along the way, like donuts, or free coffee, shrivel in comparison to the vast knowledgeable people I have been exposed to since the beginning of working at Dunkin. Whether it be a customer, police officer, or worker I learn something new each day by the time I leave work. </p>

<p>A relationship that is unique is one between a worker and their boss. My boss, no matter how typical of a boss he may be, has had a perpetual affect on me that I cannot deny. Whether I would show up fifteen minutes early or late, he would always greet me with the same welcoming tone. My boss has taught me a staple lesson, that work you have dedicated yourself to, comes before fun and play. </p>

<p>Working at Dunkin has its ups and downs as any job, but as my first job it definitely has been a learning experience more than anything. If I could go back in time, I would take this job over a boring desk job because of what I learned from all the people on people contact I have had and what I have learned from working at a franchise owned, coffee shop.</p>

2

<p>Hey quanda! The third paragraph is confusing to me… I think it’ll be more effective if you describe an example of those quarrels, because the way you broadly summarize them makes it hard to understand why you learned those lessons from the social dramas.</p>

<p>Most important, I think it would really help if you focused on just one (or combine two?) of the lessons you learned at work rather than try to touch everything. Paragraphs 2,3, and 5 seem disjointed, and trying to tackle all of them at once doesn’t allow you to get into great depth into any one of them. I personally like paragraph 3 more - the ideas seem more complex than those in 2 and 5. =) Try to expand it more??</p>

<p>Be careful with your sentences, there seem to be a lot of places where 2 sentences in the row say the same thing. Your essay has a lot of sentences that just say “I learned” without saying much else. Cut down on those and it’ll help the flow. : )</p>

<p>Hope this helps!
~ DD fan</p>

3

<p>One thing I would say is work on your transitions in between paragraphs which is what Yeti Crab was kind of eluding too. You seem to be all over the place and writing just biographical paragraphs without any purpose or single connecting point. work on this.</p>

4

<p>I probably wouldn’t use “boring desk job”, only because many of the people reading your essay might be offended considering they sit at desks at day.</p>

5

<p>First paragraph, nice opening but think about what impression you want to leave your reader. Phrases like “loud and impatient people”, “boring desk job” might show more of a negative attitude instead of a positive one. Also might show one dimensional, subjective thinking since probably not all customers are like that, not all desk jobs are boring. Are there more positive descriptions of your work environment?</p>

<p>Second paragraph, nice transition to setup for a main theme of learning through meeting and working with different people. Focus on describing the various co-workers (mostly there) and customers to show the variety of people. Reduce the repetitive telling.
For example, the following sentences all have the same meaning.
“The people I work with make the job what it is to me.”
“My experience with my fellow employees is what has taught me the most from my time at Dunkin.”
“I have learned a lot from working with a variety of employees.”
Think about moving the part about customers from paragraph 4 to paragraph 2 to show the theme stronger. Consider cutting out the first 2 sentences on paragraph 2. Start with “Over my two years … Consider cutting out words like “Therefore”. Such words do more telling. Instead, let your reader come up with the conclusion.</p>

<p>Third paragraph says you learned to run to your manager every time something goes wrong which even you wrote seems childish. Is that what you want the reader to think of you? Most adults (which for sure the adcom reader is one) would probably agree that avoiding issues by running to your manager every time is childish.
People skills and communication skills are usually highly value which would be good to show that you learned through your job.
Do you have specific personal incidents of

  • how you resolved small issues with your co-workers
  • how you escalated issues to management quickly when necessary
  • how you find a solution suitable to a dissatisfied customer
    Being able to deal with issues appropriately show good judgment and maturity.</p>

<p>If you can write about personal examples of your people skills, the rest of the paragraphs can be replaced.</p>

<p>The main idea of the essay has lots of potential to show that you are committed and responsible by working at a job for 2 years with all kind of people dealing with all kind of issues and that you learned people skills. Show by describing personal anecdotes.</p>

<p>Good luck :)</p>

6

<p>As I walk in, I immediately am greeted by the smell of fresh coffee along with loud and impatient people. For the past 2 years I have been working at Dunkin Donuts, serving ‘custies’(as we refer to our customers) their coffee. </p>

<p>My experience with my fellow employees is what has taught me the most from my time at Dunkin. Over my two years many employees have come and go. Therefore, I have worked with adults who have kids and are just making enough to get by, and people like me, working part time to make some extra money (and learn a few life lessons.) Working with the lower income employees has showed that money has a much higher value to some people, and they appreciate many of the things that the more fortunate take for granted, such as something as simple as a car ride home. Now, if a friendly employee needs a ride close by I am always glad to help them out. </p>

<p>The perks I have received along the way, like donuts, or free coffee, shrivel in comparison to the vast knowledgeable people I have been exposed to since the beginning of working at Dunkin. Since coffee is the staple in most of Americans diet, I have served coffee and pastries to county political officials, construction workers, even my school teachers. With the customers that return on a daily or weekly basis I form special relationships. Usually they come in, look at me, nod their head and smile and I give them their usual coffee, if I can remember it. Then while ringing them up we usually have a 5-30 second quick conversation about how their day has been or about the local town news. Whether it be from a customer, police officer, or worker, its nice to learn something new each time I leave work. </p>

<p>I have learned a lot from working with a variety of employees. One thing is how to deal with drama in the workplace. Over my fairly short work career, I have experienced many employee on employee arguments, and employee on customer arguments, the key is how one deals with them. If you get into a disagreement with another worker, or foresee one from happening, you have to act quickly but smart. This past summer, an employee was extremely lazy and would always run off to the bathroom whenever we would have to take on a long line of customers. After a couple weeks of me noticing him doing this I approached him and said that he should stop running off all the time we get a line because I heard from someone that the store owner had been watching this on the camera. He immediately wiped the ‘lazy, I don’t want to be here’ look off his face and got to work because he knew he needed the job. Now, this might have not been 100% true that the boss was watching, but it was the solution I found most suitable. It ceased any argument between us, or him and any other worker from being started due to his laziness(unlike if I had approached him in a more menacing way), because I was the innocent and kind one who saved him his job him. Now, I chose to share this because I never was in a argument, but it’s the closest I have came to one, and I managed to stop it from sprouting. On the other hand, if you get into an argument with an customer, you must act as kind as possible and find the solution most suitable for the customer, but the key is not being overly charitable. One time, an employee was being lectured by an elderly woman because her coffee was cold, and after a few minutes of debate and her making a scene, he promised her a complementary coffee along with free coffee the next two times he serves her. Well, the lady was somehow pleased and the employee thought he was off the hook, until the manager pulled him aside and told him he had seen what he did. My manager had said that promising coffee for the next two visits is strictly prohibited, and that he should have called him over if the debate with the customer got too serious and he would have resolved the issue. This carries over into the social world as well, rather telling the authorities than a manager. I realized that in situations as heated as these, it usually is better to go to someone more authoritative, rather than dig yourself a deeper hole. It wouldn’t be in someone’s best interest to give shelter in their home to someone who escaped from a psychiatric hospital, instead you would call the police to come do their job and take them back. The main thing I will keep with me forever is that respect, in every form, is the most important aspect of a good working environment. </p>

<p>My boss, no matter how typical of a boss he may be, has had a perpetual affect on me that I cannot deny. Whether I would show up fifteen minutes early or late, he would always greet me with the same welcoming, yet diligent tone. He has taught me a staple lesson, that work you have dedicated yourself to, comes before fun and play. </p>

<p>Working at Dunkin has its ups and downs as any job, but as my first job it definitely has been a learning experience more than anything. If I could go back in time, I would take this job over any other job because of all the people on people contact I have had and what I have learned from working at a franchise owned, coffee shop. </p>

<p>that’s my revised version based on your awesome tips and advice. its not all better but its an improvement. i need to send this essay in tomorrow so if any advice as to if you think this will suffice as an essay or how to easily/quickly make it better would help.
AND thanks so much for all ur responses it really helped me open my eyes</p>