<p>Is this normal? My 18 yo who was popular, class president and head of his technology club is not leaving his dorm room. He stays in there (except for classes and eating), playing video games and IMing HS friends on his laptop. I never even hear about homework!</p>
<p>am I too nervous? I have nothing to compare to; my husband and I went to local colleges. Son says all the kids are out “partying and getting drunk off campus” and that I should be proud that he is not doing the same, (I AM!) but I want him to have a social life too. </p>
<p>He is in a VASTLY different area of NY - we are from NYC and he’s 450 miles away in a town about an hour from Buffalo. I feel he needs to connect since he’s alone up there.</p>
<p>Any words of advice for me? Am I going overboard? He’s been there for 3 weeks now.
Nervous in NYC:
Denise</p>
<p>I was worried until I saw that he is eating. I have known students who didn’t eat in the dining halls and had all food as delivery. Are you worried he will have no friends or that he will not achieve academically?</p>
<p>Don’t worry yet. I imagine that he’s telling you the truth, that most kids (especially the guys) are out partying and getting drunk.</p>
<p>He’ll make friends in the next few weeks. There will be kids from classes that he shares interests with, or those he meets in an activity that he’ll get involved in. It takes some kids a while to meet kindred spirits, but when they do get together, they will be people he likes and has chosen for good reason. He also probably still misses his hs friends, and that’s ok. Give it time.
If he seemed unhappy or depressed, I’d worry, but it doesn’t sound like it.</p>
<p>My D stayed in a lot freshman year and her roomies were SERIOUS party people. I was concerned about her social life, but in the long run it worked out well. She created a solid academic base and still made friends. Soph year she went out much more, was less stressed out about grades,. Now she has great friends, an active social life, and still maintains a very good GPA.</p>
<p>I’d ask him if he’s found any clubs to join. My son doesn’t go to parties either, his social life apparently revolves around people who hang out in the Linux computer clusters.</p>
<p>He’ll likely be fine and probably just needs more time. The computer games and HS IMing can consume an awful lot of time though and pigeonhole him away from others so it’d be nice for him to try to break out of that. </p>
<p>He should try to join some other ‘active’ clubs, go workout at the gym regularly (and meet people there), grab a tennis racket and go knock a ball around, get an on-campus job (usually about 10 hours per week) where he’d get involved a different way, get involved in a church group if he’s inclined, etc. There are lots of alternatives to getting drunk and stupid besides holing up in the room.</p>
<p>My d went through similar as an oos student at UNC. She was always popular in h.s., but not a partier at all. She was very active in school and community activities, so it was a shock to see her being such a homebody for the first couple of months. But by mid-semester, she was making connections in class, had joined several activities and was coming out of it. Now, as a junior, she is back to her old self…on the run, into everything and out of contact (even during tropical storms…sigh).</p>
<p>I think your son sounds like he is just processing all the changes in his life. I agree with the advice about encouraging clubs. They have some of the quirkiest, fun things to do on college campuses outside of class (swing-dancing anyone?).</p>
<p>It is good that he is leaving the room to eat and leaving the room to go to class. I am a bit worried about the video games; he would not be the first freshman male to have a very difficult first year because of spending too much time playing video games. A lot of us have sons who LOVE playing video games and freshman year in the dorm is the first time some of these boys can play literally as much as they want to. Try to find out about the video game playing. The IMing and Facebook communication with friends is not as likely to cause a problem, in my opinion.</p>
<p>Steering him toward clubs is a great idea. Clubs where you do something helpful (habitat for humanity, youth against hunger, any community service oriented club) tend to be very welcoming toward new members. Religious clubs are that way, too, if he happens to be religious. If he is hesitant to join a new club and nervous about fitting in, have him check out a community service club. The members there will be very nice to him (partly because the more people who show up for their activities, the better they are! many hands needed).</p>
<p>You might also encourage him to attend dorm-sponsored activities organized by the RA’s or the residence life staff.</p>
<p>Good luck! And I hope he finds some friends who “drag” him out of the room for some fun college activities!</p>
<p>Also encourage him to keep his door open when he’s in his room; my daughter found that simple act was a huge step in saying “welcome” even when she, due to her normal reserve, wasn’t saying those words herself.</p>
<p>I worry about that too. I know more than one boy who went away to college as a freshman and flunked out due to spending all their time playing video games. Video game addiction is a real phenomenon.</p>
<p>Avoiding partying is good… spending all your time playing video games and IM’ing HS friends is not. He won’t have a chance to meet others if he’s physically and mentally still focused on HS.</p>
<p>I echo the others, encourage him to go to the gym, and find some clubs/activities that interest him. There MUST be some activities where he can find non-party minded friends with common interests.</p>
<p>I remember being complete overwhelmed the first few weeks of college. I indulged myself by staying in my room a lot, just as I was used to doing at home. Although I had some pleasant college experiences, I never really developed a good group of college friends.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until my son went off to college two years ago and told me how he “forced himself” to be social that I realized I should have done just that back in 1972. At least to the extent I could. There is a window of social opportunity the first weeks that is never quite so open again. I wish someone had told me that.</p>
I have to agree with that. I think one reason my son’s first school didn’t work out positively for him was that he had personal issues the first few weeks of school (gf problems back home) so didn’t get out there and meet people. Then came emergency surgery which curtailed things too. </p>
<p>To the OP. All you can really do is encourage him to reach out in some way–intramural sports, a video game club, political organization–whatever floats his boat. From one worrier to another—just keep encouraging him, but what he does is in his hands. On the other hand, if he truly seems happy and satisfied with what he is doing now, maybe some time will gradually change things and there is no need to push. I know what it is like to lie awake at night and envision your child alone and unhappy–but often I think what we imagine is much worse than the reality.</p>
<p>Is he in Geneseo, Brockport, Niagara? Where is he? His school might not have much of a social life. If your school has a social life, then even the nerdiest of the nerdy can find a party…er…wonderful group of friends to play with. If not, you have to find your own friends like you would as a lone person moving to a new city.</p>
<p>Try to get him to volunteer for the campaign of the presidential nominee of his choice. He will instantly meet a lot of like minded people of all ages and backgrounds.</p>