<p>We thought he was coming home for a week visit. He ended up getting a job in our town. The job doesn’t pay enough for him to live on his own.
How have other people handled this? Boundaries? I am thinking to not charge him rent but to have him cover all the rest of his expenses. Including putting money aside for when his student loan starts becoming due.
Also the job he got is 20-25 hours a week. M-F 9:30-1:30 or 2. There is a chance that the job can go to full time. I am happy he has a job in his field of study. I would like him to be working more. H and I need to discuss whether he needs to find a 2nd part time job. Or do we give him a couple of months to see where this job leads?</p>
<p>Mom60 - I have one really strong piece of advice. Tell your son you are going to give yourself a set amount of time, but then you and hubby will present what the two of you need to make this arrangement work. I wouldn’t call them rules (maybe silly to fuss over language, but words matter), but I would emphasize that you need to figure an arrangement that is satisfactory to you. </p>
<p>I agree about not insisting on another job at least for a period of time - but I would also tell him that in x amount of time, you will see how that has been going and if it doesn’t seem to be working - then he may need to get an extra job. </p>
<p>Glad to hear he got something in his field!! That IS good news.</p>
<p>I graduated in December 2010 and am currently living at home. My parents currently still pay for my car insurance and I am actually listed on their health insurance still even though my personal health insurance just kicked in at the beginning of this month. I don’t pay any rent and really only pay for the expenses I choose to pay for. If I wanted, I could get by with eating the food my mom buys from the store every day.</p>
<p>I work anywhere between 28-45 hours each week; normally around 34ish although I work 5-6 days a week normally. My job pays for my cell phone, health insurance, dental insurance, and liability insurance as part of my benefits. I also have a gym membership since I work in fitness centers. </p>
<p>It was originally intended to be for 6-8 months and then I was going to move on to graduate school. At the beginning of the calendar year, I was only working about 20-25 hours a week if I was lucky. Now they have advanced my job over the full-time mark so I get benefits. </p>
<p>I have already paid over $1500 towards my student loans and they don’t go into re-payment until next month. </p>
<p>If you can manage, I’d encourage you to let him work things out a little.</p>
<p>OP, I think this situation is getting more and more common, the economy being what it is. I’m already assuming my D will be living with us for a while after graduation, and am working my brain around the idea of giving her some time and leeway to get herself settled into financial independence. It’s not like when I graduated, and everyone I knew had a job within a month. Things are really, really tough out there.</p>
<p>That doesn’t mean she will be a free agent if/when she returns to the nest. She’ll be expected to behave with the same courtesy and respect that we would expect of any other adult living with us. She’ll need to let us know when she’s going out and expected time of return (but not a curfew or an itinerary). She’ll need to keep the common areas clear of her stuff. She’ll be expected to do chores and some of the cooking.</p>
<p>I’m not sure how I’ll approach the monetary aspect yet, but I do know she’ll be expected to make some kind of financial contribution, perhaps a (small) percentage of her income toward room and board. That’s important to me for two reasons: first, I think it would be important for her self-respect to know that she’s contributing to her own upkeep; second, because it’s human nature to get very comfortable where you are if it’s free.</p>
<p>We’ve had kids come home for a transitional year between UG & grad school, either for a summer or even the school year. In each case the kid had plans for the future and was not asked to contribute, but rather to save for their future needs.</p>
<p>There were some stressed out times, usually when things were either uncertain for the grad or not going well. We tried to just keep it all low key and ask each other for respect. Clean up your own mess and be civil :)</p>
<p>The kids all rose to the occasion of being contributing members of the household, especially as their plans firmed up (will I or won’t I get into grad school? Will their be funding? etc)</p>
<p>Most landlord or bank allow people to spend 30-35% gross income on rent or mortgage, that maybe a good benchmark on how much a grown kid should expect to contribute to live at home. In expecting a grown person to pay it makes a relationship more balanced. Sometimes parents become resentful because they are paying for all the bills when their grown kids have a lot of disposable income for entertainment (how many adults have few thousand $ for entertainment a month?). It is a good way to force saving for a kid if parents were to give the money back when he moves out - deposit money for a rental or a new car.</p>
<p>*I am thinking to not charge him rent *</p>
<p>My parents did charge us a bit of rent (not high) after we graduated…but, they put in a savings acct and gave it to us when we did move out.</p>
<p>Since he’s only working part time, does that mean he has time to “earn his keep” around the house…chores? yard work? repairs? laundry?</p>
<p>D returned, rather unwillingly, to the family nest after she graduated. She got an entry level job in her field, which didn’t pay much and didn’t leave a lot of money for rent in a decent place. She also went to grad school for her masters (which she paid for herself). However, she did feel like she should contribute something towards living. I set up a separate “rent account” at her bank. Each month, she transferred 30% of her gross salary to this account. D thought I was using the rent money to actually pay some household expenses. I purposely never touched it. When she moved out after almost 2 years, I turned over the entire rent account to her. She was quite thrilled with this rather significant nest egg.</p>
<p>I know quite a few people who did what Mansfield did and their kids were thrilled. I lived at home after graduating but my parents didn’t charge me any rent. I have always paid all of my bills and bought all of my own food and whatnot. I don’t think it cost them anything extra for me to be there (Aside from the electricity cost of like my computer and my alarm clock. I honestly think it costs them more now that I moved out because they spend all the gas to come up and visit and take me out for nice dinners!) While living there I paid off my car that I purchased senior year of college very quickly. I always said that I wanted to buy a house instead of renting a place because it’s such a big waste of money, IMHO. We all agreed that apartments were a waste of money and that it was okay if I wanted to save for a house. Once I had enough money saved to put 20% down on a house I bought one and moved 5 miles from work.</p>
<p>I remember when I bought my house my mom asked if she could come when me when I went to purchase the kitchen table I picked out. It was pretty cheap… maybe 100 or 150 dollars for everything including the chairs… and my mom, after seeing it, was like oh no, you’re not putting that chintzy table in your beautiful new house… your dad and I will buy you any kitchen set that you would like as a house warming gift. I wound up with this beautiful Oak set with a matching server. It’s the same exact color as my kitchen cabinets and looks perfect.</p>
<p>I also believe the Op’s situation is getting more and more common. In an effort to do all we can to help our kids, we sometimes make it too easy. And the new adults hate to give up a standard of living they have enjoyed, to go to a “starter apartment”. I believe both attitudes are very normal, typical attitudes. I experienced it myself from both perspectives.
But for me(as a new adult) and for me as a parent, the best solution was a timeline when becoming an adult was expected. A 25 yr old kid, healthy, and college trained, is not yet an adult if they are still living free with mommy. There are plenty of people that support themself without the benefit of a college degree. We don’t all start in a dream job, a dream wage, or a dream home. Understanding and accepting that is part of adulthood.
I urge OP to give this child a fair timeline- 60 days or so- to be pushed from the nest and become an adult. It may require a second job, or a full time job not in his dream field, or roommate(s) to make it. But by now this child is old enough and should have learned enough to fully become an adult. Staying in the nest imo is well intended, but is hurting him more than helping him.</p>
<p>I can see the idea of making him pay some rent, and that is a step toward adulthood- sort of-, but it also conveys the idea that it is ok for this adult, educated person to live at his parents’ standard, in his parents home. Plus, it takes away money the new adult should be saving for his own place. I’d also recemmend since he’s part-time, give him PLENTY of household chores the next 60 days. That will encourage him to fly the nest too.</p>
<p>^^ younghoss, I don’t get the sense that the OP’s student is looking for a place to live the high life while he mooches off Mom & Dad for an indefinite period of time. And this is most emphatically NOT the same situation as the disrespectful college student home on summer break. </p>
<p>Are you honestly unaware of the emloyment outlook for recent college grads? If you are, I suggest you google “unemployment, college graduate.” The OP’s son is fortunate to have found any employment, much less employment in his field which (I hope!) will expand to a full time job.</p>
<p>My D1 is at home after graduating this spring. She will start a job with decent pay and benefits on July 1 and then begin (commuter) grad school while working the fall. She has a grant for most of the grad school program. We would like her to stay until she finishes grad school so she can bank most of her salary and maybe live a bit. She worked incredibly hard (as most kids do) in undergrad, but in addition to taking 20 credits a semester, she worked almost 50 hours a week as a teaching scholar and in a regular job. So, we have asked her to make the co-payments for her medical, dental and prescription costs under her new insurance. She pays for her own gas, entertainment, and any specialty food that she wants. We have an arrangement with her that she drives my 12-year-old to school every day on her way to work (she goes right past the school) and that she tutors him (she is now a certified teacher) if necessary. We don’t see much of her because she works all day and has always been in school every evening. It’s not really onerous, although she has the best room in the house and my husband covets it! I’m hoping that she will save enough for a downpayment while living with us and then move to some lovely place out of NYC for a great life. As far as rules, I ask that if she is going to be later than 2:00 am to please sleep over and that she not make those late nights too frequent. Thankfully she’s so busy that she never does. Good luck!!!</p>
<p>I get what younghouse is saying. Unemployment for college grads now is not any worse than when we graduated in the early 80s, and a lot of us still got jobs. It was unbearable for me to live at home, so I moved out as quickly as I could have, and I initially forced myself to work at a job I had no interest in because it paid a lot more money than other more interesting jobs. </p>
<p>fendergirl - economically there is no difference between paying rent vs paying mortgage. Just because you own your home, it doesn’t mean you’ll come out ahead in the long run. As an example, it is much cheaper to rent in some parts of CA than to own. My advice to D1 is not to buy until she knows where she wants to live for 5+ years, and it would be a place she loves, not for investment purpose.</p>
<p>I think it greatly depends on the kid and their attitude. If mine were taking their time looking for a job while playing video games in the basement, my attitude would be much different than if they were really trying. I actually encouraged mine to live at home after graduation and save for a down payment on a house rather than rent. All chose to move out as soon as they could. Two of them bought a house and the last one rents since he doesn’t know where he’ll be for any great length of time.</p>
<p>I don’t know where I went wrong: they had their own room, no curfews or rules of any kind. Meals served if they wanted them, food in the fridge if they didn’t. Heck, youngest had his choice of bedroom since the others were gone and his own bathroom. But he still moved a mile or two down the road and rented a house with some friends rather than live here. I think you have raised your kids to be independent or not by the time they are 22. If you have to encourage them to leave, apparently that lesson should have been taught way earlier.</p>
<p>And part of the problem is that they don’t want to leave the creature comforts they have become accustomed to. How many parents have said their kid can’t afford “something nice” on what they are making? If that’s the case, they either have to make do with what they CAN afford or rethink their career choices. I’ve seen kids with car and phone payments that exceed my mortgage living with their parents. They buy nice clothes and eat out often but can’t afford an apartment or a room in a house. Priorities need to be taught early.</p>
<p>Thanks, lots of thoughts to consider.
Thank you workinprogress2 for the advice to give it a bit of time before we have the sitdown meeting. While I had begun a list for the sit down meeting (which I had orginally planned on having last night or in the next few days) I realize now that H and I need to sit down with the list and come up with boundaries and expectations that work for all of us. I could tell this morning that I need to say what I mean and mean what I say but don’t say it mean. I could tell I was getting tense this morning when I felt he wasn’t getting out of bed early enough. It drives me crazy to watch him move so slowly when I know what time he needs to be out the door.
My S does not ask for anything material. He is pretty low maintenance. What is going to drive me crazy is his poor executive function skills.
I think we will rethink the rent. I like the idea of putting the money aside for him at a later date. I know this kid needs life skill training. He is severely ADD and LD and it comes out in everyday life skills. Money management and time management. I know he needs to learn about what life costs and also how to manage his money. He did live in an apartment the last two years so he does know how to cook, market and basic cleaning skills. The apartment was owned by his college so he did not learn the skill of paying rent and utilities.
High on my list is to try my best to keep my sanity!</p>
<p>I am in the same situation as your S-- haven’t gotten a job yet but we pretty much know that when I do it won’t be enough to live off of for a while because of my loans and that I’ll be staying at my parents house. Currently I live at home rent free and they cover the bare bones essentials and nothing else-- I am not allowed to leave the house because I can’t afford my own gas, I mean it when I say bare bones essentials only. When I get the job I still won’t have to pay rent or most of my groceries, but I’ll be on the hook for everything else. It hasn’t been discussed but I’ve gotten the impression that as long as I am pulling my weight around the house and taking care of my own bills I am welcome to stay there indefinitely until I can afford to do otherwise unless something becomes a problem. That hadn’t been the case before but now I am doing work around the house that they’d have to hire someone else to do if I left, so they don’t seem to mind as much.</p>
<p>As for boundaries, I cook my own meals and essentially live in my room and nobody interferes-- in fact I think that is preferred by everone, but I’m not allowed out of my room after 11pm or before 6am. When I first came home we fought a lot about what time I woke up, because I was sick and exhausted and had absolutely nothing to do all day and failed to see why it mattered as long as I was waking up on time and well rested for job interviews, which I was. But now I wake up at 7am every day and stare at the wall until noon and they are happy with that, so no more conflicts.</p>
<p>I’m concerned about the kids who’ve borrowed significantly with the idea that they can live at home for free/cheap while they pay off their loans. What if they can’t get a job in their parents’ home town and their job is too far away? What if they are in a serious relationship and don’t want to be living at home with mom and dad? What if they just find living under the parents’ roof too confining with a lack of normal adult privacy?</p>
<p>It has always been very common in HI for kids to come back & live at home until they get married (or into as serious relationship & get their own place). Perhaps it’s the high cost of living, low wages, predominantly Asian culture or other factors, I’m not sure. Our S is currently about as far as you can get from us and making enough that the rent is about 25% of his gross salary. Not sure how things will work out with D, as her field is a lot more cyclical & unpredictable.</p>
<p>My folks never pushed any of us out of the nest; I was the only one who rented an apartment within about a month after returning home (was afraid I’d malpractice because there was no space left for me to call my own and no space to even unpack). The rest of my sibs lived with mom & dad until they married or got a place they preferred, many, many years after they got jobs and were moving along in their careers. It was not a financial issue, it was just what they and my folks were comfortable with and it worked for our family. We’re all different. 
I agree that it’s nice if you can have the kiddo pay “rent” of 25-35% of gross pay & you put it into an account that you may gift kiddo with when he moves out, so he can apply it toward housing, loans, or other pressing issues.</p>
<p>It does seem fair to work out chores/responsibilities, tho my folks never did.</p>
<p>Yes, Lasma, I do believe the new adult has in mind an indefinite time. The Op said so. The Op told us the young person was expected to stay one week, but now has been there longer and OP is considering charging rent. That is the very definition of indefinite! Uncertain!</p>
<p>And yes, Lasma I am aware of the difficulty with employment for new college grads. It is slightly better prospects than for those without a degree, like me.
I have been out of work for a year and a half. My company moved out of the country.
But I thank you for your concern of the unemployed.</p>
<p>There is no right or wrong way, imo. HImom mentions how common it is in Hawaii for kids to come home until they get married, and I’m seeing this happening more and more in SoCal as well. (although not necessarily married, but with a SO) A lot of students don’t have enough saved to rent an apartment right away, especially in an expensive state, and their job may only be temporary, which makes taking an apartment risky, and may just seem like a waste of money to all concerned.<br>
My thoughts are that as long as it is working for the parents and they don’t feel taken advantage of, then all is well. That usually means that the young adult is helpful, respectful, pleasant to be around, and employed. That may or may not mean rent contribution. If the parents are well-off, contributing to groceries or additional chores may fit the bill. I don’t think a parent needs to feel that they are doing something wrong by not forcing independent living when the financial circumstances seem to warrant taking a bit more time to flee the nest.</p>