Who to invite to the festivities? Who decides? We are four days away, and it’s getting complicated. I think my son would prefer to limit it to dinner with friends and close family, and non-awkward things; perhaps skipping a smaller ceremony for African American students. Husband would like family only. My brother wants to bring his long-term girlfriend and her father, whom we have never met, either to the grad ceremony or dinner. Right now the reservation is for 12!. Everybody is saying they are flexible, but I feel a little stuck in the middle. Any thoughts?
I have No advice, but is this the son that struggled mightily along the way? Congrats to all of you in any case.
I’m not sure if I’m addressing your question, but only our immediate family attended the two graduation ceremonies (one for her department and one for the whole university). We also went out for a very nice dinner.
No graduation party at home.
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bring his long-term girlfriend and her father, whom we have never met,
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That seems odd. Her father?
“is this the son that struggled mightily along the way?”
It is! And thanks!
“That seems odd. Her father?” We have met the girlfriend, but not the father, who recently moved to the town. I believe their intention is to get married, and the father would like to meet us…or maybe they would like us to meet her father. Our own parents died more than 20 years ago.
Well, if GF’s dad WANTs to come and you don’t mind paying for an extra head, then …well…he’s gonna be a guest. 
and congrats to your son…you must be so proud!!!
I think it’s interesting that your brother wants to bring his GF’s father. He may be a great guy, but I’d say the GF is fine–it’s time you met her–but her father, no. But on the other hand, maybe the more the merrier?
We had H and I, S’s godfather, with whom he is very close, and a BIL who happened to be living with us then. Frankly, I thought that BIL could stay home and take care of the animals, but H thought otherwise, and it was fine. My mother didn’t feel up to it, and she is the only living grandparent. (She did go to his grad school graduation, which was within driving distance of her home.)
We did invitations to graduation LONG before the graduation date. And we made the decisions about who would be invited long before the graduation date.
For DS, we had a different situation. As a music major, he preferred that folks come to his senior recital…so that is what the family was invited to…and we invited everyone. And they all came…for two days. It was fabulous. For his graduation, it was just us parents.
For DD, graduation was across the country. We invited the whole family and five others besides parents and siblings came. We rented a whole B and B for four days. It was fabulous.
In both cases, we had a very limited amount of tickets to the actual graduation ceremony…but enough to accommodate those who attended. Everyone was included in the post graduation dinner (as well as all the other weekend meals).
What sort of discussion did you have with your son about this before now? If you have reservations for 12, sounds like you were expecting these others to come.
It’s a celebration of your son’s success! Include everyone…and maybe take him out alone the night before or after.
Congratulations!!
First off, congratulations!
Second, I really think it should be up to your son. You are celebrating his accomplishments and if he wants small, go small. Sometimes, you just want to celebrate with the people closest to you.
ETA: Personally, for both of my graduations it was just my parents and fiance. And that’s exactly what I wanted 
We are expecting 7, but have reservations for 10 in case anyone needs a group to celebrate with. Sounds like maybe your brother sees this as an opportunity to have his future FIL meet the family? A little unconventional, but if everyone gets along well, why not?
Congratulations, I hope your DS feels properly celebrated.
Congratulations to you and your family, Shrinkrap!
I have roughly a dozen people for each of my kids - in addition to our nuclear family, we have my sister’s family and the grandparents, all of whom are living. But with a twist of course - my parents are divorced, and this is the first time my father is going to be bringing his new lady friend (who we’ve met, and she’s lovely, yada yada) to an event where my mother will be. I know everyone is going to behave, but there will be some tension and I’m putting everyone on notice that this is about my kids, and not them - sigh!
Wow, Pizzagirl! and thanks, all. This has been very helpful. FWIW, my husbands sister and two of her kids, and my husbands parents are traveling thousands of miles, and were part of the plan for months. So were H and I, and our D who are traveling about 300 miles or so. My brother, his gf, and her dad live close to the school, and my sons has two very very good friends who are in schools nearby. These last five have been aded to the dinner plan over the last few days. Money is not an issue, but awkwardness is. I think my brother might think s just going to be my immediate family, but my immediate family. We don’t usually go to graduations.
Pizzagirl - it can be done, and without tension. Awkwardness, yes, tension, not necessarily.
I’ve watched my older brother go through this with his current wife and ex-wife, and they are truly the epitome of events not being about them, but about the celebrants. When they’re all together, you’d never know there was an ex and current wife in the mix - everyone treats everyone like they’re good friends, although I don’t think there’s any contact outside of their kids’ and grandkids’ event. Good luck!
I have 9 family members flying up this weekend and four of us driving up for S’s graduation. The more the merrier. Lots of dinners/gatherings planned with his fraternity friends. My parents are divorced but we all get along- in fact my H and I are separated but we are all focused on the event. S’s GF is flying in from LA to east coast as well as her mom. Her cousin is also graduating from grad school. First time we will meet. Looking forward to a good weekend!
Congrats, shrinkrap!
I think the grad gets final say, but my philosophy is the more the merrier. Your brother must think highly of your family to want to include the future FIL. I’d take it as a compliment, but I would let him know the entire guest list in case that cause him to change his mind.
Congrats, @Shinrkrap! Especially for a kid who struggled, I’d say the more the merrier, especially if the grad wants the people to be present. The GF and her dad don’t sound like too many folks. 12 or even slightly more sounds manageable, as long as your budget can take it. Good job!