College is pushing me into a breakdown and I'm not sure what to do

College Life
1

I want to preface this by stating that I have always been a very fickle person. Even as a child, I would bounce back and forth between activities, dreams, and creative projects. When I fenced, I couldn’t pick a weapon to stick with. When I wrote stories, I would give up on them to write something else later. The only lasting behavioral trait I think I’ve ever really had is a consistent interest in escapism in the forms of consuming and creating stories and images, and a general introversion and lack of feeling like I belong in society. Throughout high school, I felt a looming dread about the inevitable requirement of choosing a career path and buckling down to study, as I knew I would need to. Things came very easily for me in high school, mostly in the field of English.

I’m rambling. The reason I signed up for this site and am posting this is because I feel like I’m at a breaking point with college, and I haven’t even finished my first semester. It’s 1am and I have an exam tomorrow night, and I got a 50% on the practice exam. This summer I came to the conclusion I wanted to be a wilderness ranger, but that dream is becoming hazy as I struggle with chemistry class. I feel virtually no motivation and no care for chemistry itself, nor mathematics. Whenever I get many homework problems wrong, I fly into a rage and end up crying, self-harming, and having suicidal thoughts. The only thing that’s really kept me doing the homework each week is this idea that one day I might be able to spend most of my time in the woods, because nature is the ONLY place that I’ve ever felt peace of mind in.

I am simply at a loss for what to do. Even in these basic, semi-remedial STEM courses, I’m cracking, and already dreading the next chemistry course I’m supposed to take next semester. I’m experiencing chest pain, shoulder pain, and these constant, racing, anxiety-producing thoughts that I’m going to fail, not choose what I want to do in time, wind up unhappy, etc. I know for a fact that I have always been more liberal-arts inclined, but I can’t tear myself away from the idea of just getting to be in the remote outdoors most of the time. I know I would be terrific in an English degree, but I don’t want to teach or wait tables forever.

Does anyone have any advice? Even if that advice is “You’re crazy, go see a therapist,” I would still value it. In high school I just breezed through everything and loved it. In college, I’m hating every single day and class I’m in, not sleeping, and I don’t think this is sustainable. I decided to move back home next year in order to cope better, but even then I’m worried I’m not going to be able to handle it. I’m a wreck and legitimately fear that all of this is going to end up with me hurting myself. I need to know if anyone else has ever dealt with these thoughts or feelings, what you did, etc. I’m at a loss here and I don’t think there’s anyone I know in person that can actually help me.

2

You’re not crazy, but going to see a therapist isn’t a bad idea if you’re self-harming and having suicidal thoughts.

3

Hey, it’s ok. No one said college was supposed to be easy. First, while you’ve probably heard this a million times, you’re not alone. Tons of people struggle, especially in the beginning. Are your thoughts of failing mainly derived from one difficult class or is it college as a whole? If it is one class, drop it. Even if it’s necessary for your major, you can always take it again later when you’re more comfortable. If it’s all of your classes/the entire college experience currently, then maybe look into different majors. Your love for nature does not confine you to being a wilderness ranger. You said you love English- do you like writing? You could write books relating to nature or any of your passions. Also, why the heck do you have to take these math classes and hard sciences for a wilderness ranger? I don’t see the relevance. What about a major in forestry or giving nature park tours or educating people on preserving nature? I don’t know of any majors involving both English and nature. I suggest going to speak with a career counselor at your college and seeing his/her take on your predicament. Whatever you do, I think you should see a therapist to help ease the anxious thoughts. If college is really awful no matter what, don’t give up on life- you can take a break from college for a year if you need to, gap years are always an option. You can always come back to it. I’m sorry this has been so hard for you and I wish you the best of luck.

4

First off, take a BIG, DEEP, BREATH! This is not the be-all-end-all. MANY freshmen (sophomores too and some juniors) realize that they are not cut out for the major that they chose and pick a different one. That is okay! Make it through this semester and try fulfilling some general requirements (Gen Eds) next semester. This will give you a chance to explore some other areas you may want to major in. If needed, drop the chemistry class. No one will fault you over having one W on your transcript.

Most importantly however, and I cannot emphasize this enough, is that you are NOT crazy, but you certainly need to see a therapist ASAP. Your health, including your mental health, should always be your priority. Having suicidal thoughts does not make you crazy, but it does mean that you need to see a healthcare professional immediately!!! Be your own advocate and call your student health center or some other health care provider and tell them that you need to see a therapist TODAY because you are having suicidal thoughts. If you are told there are no appointments today, keep dialing healthcare providers until you find someone who CAN see you TODAY.

If you need to talk to someone immediately, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Nothing, especially a college chemistry class, is worth harming yourself over. I don’t know you personally, but I guarantee you that the world is a better place because you are in it. Hang on. Get the help you need. It WILL get better.

Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

5

You’ll have a lot of people telling you what to do, but in the end, you are the only one who will know what’s best for you. Not everyone is cut out for college life, or perhaps you’re just not ready yet. There is nothing saying you have to go right this minute- you can always quit now and go back when you have a better idea of who you are. I say this as a 37 year old, heading back to community college to continue a path I started in 2004. I couldn’t afford to not work and over the past 13 years, I’ve been able to save enough cash to attend school without having to worry about funding- which will make time for classes and studying much easier to come by. I’m not saying this is he best path for you, but it’s easy to become blinded by your situation and start to believe that what you see directly in front of you is all there is. I assure you, there’s more. Finish (and pass) your classes (you have an end date, so you know how many hours you have remaining until it’s over), then take a break. Maybe while you’re away from school, you’ll find a job you love and never go back- maybe you’ll hate the ‘real world’ and realize going to school was a lot better than you realized at the time and when you return, it’ll be easier because you have something else to compare it with. But dont, for even a second, think you’re the only one with fear of failure or lacking self-confidence, because everyone is; some people are just better at hiding it.

6

Agree with the other posters about counseling or therapy. You’re in a dark place and IMO, it would do you some good just to talk to someone as soon as possible. I think you need to get that taken care of instead of worrying about career plans right now. When you’re feeling better, you’ll be able to evaluate what you really want to do - short term and long term.

That being said, when that time comes, do some research on outdoor careers. Some require a college education with lots of science courses - forestry (and many other natural resource fields), for example is very heavy on science courses and it really doesn’t sound like what you’re looking for anyway (I’m a forester). But there are LOTS of careers in the outdoors that don’t require so many math and science courses, or a college education at all.

In addition, good writing skills would be a big plus in any type of career, including jobs in the outdoors, so don’t dismiss the potential of your writing talents .

You might want to look at the link below. There is a program called the Student Conservation Association that gives young people opportunities to gain experience in working in the outdoors with a variety of organizations like the National Park Service, Fish and Wildlife Service, etc. They are considered internships, but I believe expenses are covered and a stipend is available to cover miscellaneous costs. Most are summer positions, but I just looked at the website and saw that they have gap year programs also. That might be something for you to consider.

https://www.thesca.org

My husband works for the National Park Service and I worked for another land management agency for over 20 years, so if you would like more information about careers in the outdoors, feel free to PM me.

Hope you check back in and let us know how you’re doing.

7

Go see a therapist. Go right now to your College Counseling center. They can refer you to psychiatrists. Maybe you have some ADHD going on as well.