College or Relationship?

Parents Forum
21

Without the friend, this could have been a rom-com with them getting back together!

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22

Since the reddit community usually has a younger crowd


According to various Reddit communities, the overwhelming consensus is that you should not follow a boyfriend to college if that school is not also your top choice for your own academic and personal goals.

Key Advice from Reddit Users

  • Prioritize Your Future: Many users emphasize that college is a critical time for personal growth, and choosing a school based on someone else can lead to long-term resentment.
  • The “Dream School” Test: If you have been accepted to your dream school but are considering a different one to be with your partner, redditors generally advise choosing your dream school.
  • Consider the Breakup Scenario: Users warn that if the relationship ends after you’ve followed him, you may feel “stuck” at a school you don’t like, watching him move on with others.
  • Relationship “Stress Test”: If a relationship is strong enough to last long-term, many believe it should be able to survive a period of long distance while you both pursue your individual goals.
  • The Rare Success Story: While most discourage following a partner, some users who went to the same school together successfully graduated and got married, though they often admit they are the “outliers”.

Suggested Decision-Making Steps

  1. Remove the Boyfriend from the Equation: Imagine you are single. Would you still want to attend this specific college?
  2. Evaluate Your Major: Does the school have a top-tier program for your specific field of study?
  3. Check Financials: Ensure you aren’t taking on unnecessary debt just to stay near him.
  4. Assess Independence: Consider if staying together will prevent you from making new friends or exploring new interests independently.

Jan 30, 2024 — If the relationship is meant to last, it’ll last as you pursue the things that you want to. As you stated at the end, 


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23

To help her make the right decision (which is clearly not following the boyfriend), I would affirm the relationship - it is important to her and you too take it seriously. Otherwise, she has to prove to you and others it is serious by making the choice to go with him.

Remind her the serious relationship will survive distance if the relationship is what they both want.

Then discuss all the reasons why the CA option is better, leaving out reference to the boyfriend.

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24

In retrospect, he was her best boyfriend (she’s 29 and the last 2 were questionable), but her lifestyle makes her incompatible with many (she’s a full time cpa plus performs in a band and solo most night of the week, usually an hour from her apartment).

25

Most HS relationships don’t last once they go to different colleges. Even if she’s at a college in the same state or region it isn’t the same as attending the same college as the BF. But your D doesn’t want to hear the rest of the story. Had her and the BF never met she wouldn’t have been destined to go thru life bereft of love and companionship. “One true and forever love” makes for great romance novels but isn’t how life works. BF is going to be surrounded by plenty of other girls that would be nice to date, and most of the time the guy is going to end up going out with one of them. Your D is likely convinced their relationship will be the exception, and without a crystal ball there’s no way to know. People make decisions and live with the consequences; I hope it turns out the way she hopes.

26

And if he breaks up with her and especially if they are not at a large school, she may have difficulty if she sees him with other women. Just a bad idea all the way around.

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27

Sorry, but if costs are an issue, I would suggest that DD get a job to pay for plane tickets (and other discretionary spending). But this is not something I would bring up now.

I agree with @blossom . Lay out the costs and funding for college. I think it’s important for parents to be clear about what they can and will fund. If a college is not affordable after acceptance, it’s off the table.

ETA..if the relationship is meant to survive
it will. It’s less than 3 months from the start of college to Thanksgiving break, and some colleges have a fall break sooner. And the winter break is only a few weeks after Thanksgiving.

So
I vote for college over relationship.

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28

If the relationship is meant to survive it will (my college roommate and her husband of 45 years are proof of the pudding–different schools states away for nearly 5 years). But what that means is both parties want the absolute best for each of them so that they will ultimately be stronger together. If they are working as a team now for the future they’d be encouraging each other to get the best education they can.

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29

My college friend who I met freshman year (and still in touch 35 years later) started dating her first and only boyfriend at 15, she went away to college, he worked for her dad’s construction company. He started out jealous, but eventually changed, went away to college himself, very successful, she’s the associate director of audiology at a renowned university hospital. He realized what a great partner he had (she’s fantastic), and pivoted. They are definitely one of my favorite couples. But it’s rare.

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30

That’s your trump card. Play it. You are the parents. College is obviously preferable to the bf.

OTOH, if she can get in somewhere near the bf and it’s going to cost the same, bearing in mind flights home for school breaks, then you can set your boundaries and remind her that you aren’t seeing the bf make an effort to apply to schools closer to her. Stick to your guns.

31

Since most students in CA attend a public, a note of caution if it’s the case here. Many people have the idea their kid can move to CA and after living here a year switch to the lower in-state rate but this is almost impossible at the UC and CSU schools. They are very strict about residency.

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32

What’s interesting is that at least the Reddit synopsis here is from the woman’s perspective: “should I follow a boyfriend” instead of the man “following the girlfriend.” It all starts to smell an awful lot like “his priorities are more important than hers.” :thinking:

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33

A couple thoughts:

  1. You don’t know this to be the case. Rank doesn’t mean there are less internships or networking. Many kids from top rank schools intern and work with kids from not top rank. My son went to an run of the mill SEC school for engineering (ranked 90th or so) and interned with Ga Tech kids - and works with Michigan, Purdue and more - but also W Michigan, Akron, and more.
  2. Networking is really up to the kid - but for example, mine chose a safety but was in a sub Honors program (Honors within Honors) and she had tons of networking. Good networkers are good networkers - they’ll find a way. Most aren’t - and they won’t.

If you are using US News to determine rank, it’s a popularity contest and nothing more. Here’s their methodology - there is zero fact or data behind it:

“In spring and summer of 2025, deans and senior faculty rated the academic quality of peer programs they were familiar with on a 5-point scale: outstanding (5), strong (4), good (3), adequate (2) or marginal (1). Individuals who were unfamiliar with a particular program were asked to select “don’t know.”

Each qualifying school or program was sent two peer assessment surveys.”

Now, you might seek career outcomes in the major from each school - but don’t be so sure a “lesser known” school won’t deliver. And btw - there are many rankings. Tell me the major and I’ll probably get you 20 top 5 schools.

At the same time, the most important consideration in my mind is budget - and you noted, there’s so much you can afford.

I think it’s fair you set a monetary parameter- you can have - you mentioned $100K - so $25K a year.

If he’s going to $90K and there’s a local state school nearby and it’s $25K, personally I wouldn’t stop her.

I’d talk to her, make her aware of what she’s risking, how it will be a more local crowd, etc. etc - but I’d let her make the decision.

My daughter went to school in SC. Her boyfriend from HS in Colorado. I had to fly her home first semester - at great expense. She couldn’t cope. One night the roommate’s mom called my wife - so there are challenges.

They are still together 5 years later, living in Denver.

But while I think you can guide, I think if the student stays within budget, it’s their experience and i would be supportive. The cost to family strain will potentially be far worse otherwise.

If they break up and she realizes a mistake, she can always transfer.

But I find it hard to believe one school is a career home run while the other is a career cemetery.

Just my perspective.

Best of luck.

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