Without the friend, this could have been a rom-com with them getting back together!
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Since the reddit community usually has a younger crowd…
According to various Reddit communities, the overwhelming consensus is that you should not follow a boyfriend to college if that school is not also your top choice for your own academic and personal goals.
Key Advice from Reddit Users
- Prioritize Your Future: Many users emphasize that college is a critical time for personal growth, and choosing a school based on someone else can lead to long-term resentment.
- The “Dream School” Test: If you have been accepted to your dream school but are considering a different one to be with your partner, redditors generally advise choosing your dream school.
- Consider the Breakup Scenario: Users warn that if the relationship ends after you’ve followed him, you may feel “stuck” at a school you don’t like, watching him move on with others.
- Relationship “Stress Test”: If a relationship is strong enough to last long-term, many believe it should be able to survive a period of long distance while you both pursue your individual goals.
- The Rare Success Story: While most discourage following a partner, some users who went to the same school together successfully graduated and got married, though they often admit they are the “outliers”.
Suggested Decision-Making Steps
- Remove the Boyfriend from the Equation: Imagine you are single. Would you still want to attend this specific college?
- Evaluate Your Major: Does the school have a top-tier program for your specific field of study?
- Check Financials: Ensure you aren’t taking on unnecessary debt just to stay near him.
- Assess Independence: Consider if staying together will prevent you from making new friends or exploring new interests independently.
Jan 30, 2024 — If the relationship is meant to last, it’ll last as you pursue the things that you want to. As you stated at the end, …
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To help her make the right decision (which is clearly not following the boyfriend), I would affirm the relationship - it is important to her and you too take it seriously. Otherwise, she has to prove to you and others it is serious by making the choice to go with him.
Remind her the serious relationship will survive distance if the relationship is what they both want.
Then discuss all the reasons why the CA option is better, leaving out reference to the boyfriend.
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In retrospect, he was her best boyfriend (she’s 29 and the last 2 were questionable), but her lifestyle makes her incompatible with many (she’s a full time cpa plus performs in a band and solo most night of the week, usually an hour from her apartment).
Most HS relationships don’t last once they go to different colleges. Even if she’s at a college in the same state or region it isn’t the same as attending the same college as the BF. But your D doesn’t want to hear the rest of the story. Had her and the BF never met she wouldn’t have been destined to go thru life bereft of love and companionship. “One true and forever love” makes for great romance novels but isn’t how life works. BF is going to be surrounded by plenty of other girls that would be nice to date, and most of the time the guy is going to end up going out with one of them. Your D is likely convinced their relationship will be the exception, and without a crystal ball there’s no way to know. People make decisions and live with the consequences; I hope it turns out the way she hopes.
And if he breaks up with her and especially if they are not at a large school, she may have difficulty if she sees him with other women. Just a bad idea all the way around.
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Sorry, but if costs are an issue, I would suggest that DD get a job to pay for plane tickets (and other discretionary spending). But this is not something I would bring up now.
I agree with @blossom . Lay out the costs and funding for college. I think it’s important for parents to be clear about what they can and will fund. If a college is not affordable after acceptance, it’s off the table.
ETA..if the relationship is meant to survive…it will. It’s less than 3 months from the start of college to Thanksgiving break, and some colleges have a fall break sooner. And the winter break is only a few weeks after Thanksgiving.
So…I vote for college over relationship.
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If the relationship is meant to survive it will (my college roommate and her husband of 45 years are proof of the pudding–different schools states away for nearly 5 years). But what that means is both parties want the absolute best for each of them so that they will ultimately be stronger together. If they are working as a team now for the future they’d be encouraging each other to get the best education they can.
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My college friend who I met freshman year (and still in touch 35 years later) started dating her first and only boyfriend at 15, she went away to college, he worked for her dad’s construction company. He started out jealous, but eventually changed, went away to college himself, very successful, she’s the associate director of audiology at a renowned university hospital. He realized what a great partner he had (she’s fantastic), and pivoted. They are definitely one of my favorite couples. But it’s rare.
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That’s your trump card. Play it. You are the parents. College is obviously preferable to the bf.
OTOH, if she can get in somewhere near the bf and it’s going to cost the same, bearing in mind flights home for school breaks, then you can set your boundaries and remind her that you aren’t seeing the bf make an effort to apply to schools closer to her. Stick to your guns.
Since most students in CA attend a public, a note of caution if it’s the case here. Many people have the idea their kid can move to CA and after living here a year switch to the lower in-state rate but this is almost impossible at the UC and CSU schools. They are very strict about residency.
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What’s interesting is that at least the Reddit synopsis here is from the woman’s perspective: “should I follow a boyfriend” instead of the man “following the girlfriend.” It all starts to smell an awful lot like “his priorities are more important than hers.” 
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A couple thoughts:
- You don’t know this to be the case. Rank doesn’t mean there are less internships or networking. Many kids from top rank schools intern and work with kids from not top rank. My son went to an run of the mill SEC school for engineering (ranked 90th or so) and interned with Ga Tech kids - and works with Michigan, Purdue and more - but also W Michigan, Akron, and more.
- Networking is really up to the kid - but for example, mine chose a safety but was in a sub Honors program (Honors within Honors) and she had tons of networking. Good networkers are good networkers - they’ll find a way. Most aren’t - and they won’t.
If you are using US News to determine rank, it’s a popularity contest and nothing more. Here’s their methodology - there is zero fact or data behind it:
“In spring and summer of 2025, deans and senior faculty rated the academic quality of peer programs they were familiar with on a 5-point scale: outstanding (5), strong (4), good (3), adequate (2) or marginal (1). Individuals who were unfamiliar with a particular program were asked to select “don’t know.”
Each qualifying school or program was sent two peer assessment surveys.”
Now, you might seek career outcomes in the major from each school - but don’t be so sure a “lesser known” school won’t deliver. And btw - there are many rankings. Tell me the major and I’ll probably get you 20 top 5 schools.
At the same time, the most important consideration in my mind is budget - and you noted, there’s so much you can afford.
I think it’s fair you set a monetary parameter- you can have - you mentioned $100K - so $25K a year.
If he’s going to $90K and there’s a local state school nearby and it’s $25K, personally I wouldn’t stop her.
I’d talk to her, make her aware of what she’s risking, how it will be a more local crowd, etc. etc - but I’d let her make the decision.
My daughter went to school in SC. Her boyfriend from HS in Colorado. I had to fly her home first semester - at great expense. She couldn’t cope. One night the roommate’s mom called my wife - so there are challenges.
They are still together 5 years later, living in Denver.
But while I think you can guide, I think if the student stays within budget, it’s their experience and i would be supportive. The cost to family strain will potentially be far worse otherwise.
If they break up and she realizes a mistake, she can always transfer.
But I find it hard to believe one school is a career home run while the other is a career cemetery.
Just my perspective.
Best of luck.
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D had a friend who followed her high school boyfriend to college and he broke up with her almost right away. The girl left the school (money wasn’t an object her family was very wealthy), and enrolled at another college. The guy met his wife at that school and one of them works at the college and they have kids now.
D had another friend who did marry her high school boyfriend and they went to separate schools. The guy went to Cal Arts which is about an hour from where he grew up and the girl went to an East Coast school. He attended her graduation with her family and proposed the day before they flew home.
D had another friend who married her high school boyfriend. Both attended different colleges, but their colleges were in the same city. Got married about a year after graduation.
D had other friends who dated in high school but none lasted beyond high school. One girl did attend the same college as her former high school boyfriend (whom she broke up with in senior year), but that was a coincidence and that college was popular that year with graduates from our school.
D’s cousin dated her high school boyfriend all through college, and broke up with him right after college graduation. His parents were way too involved in the relationship.
In other words high school relationships do last, but not always. From what I’ve seen the successful high school relationships are where the couple went to separate colleges.
I had a friend in high school who married her high school sweetheart and they went to college together (this was a small town and everyone went to the state public) and the guy left her for another woman.
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What if the woman decided she actually loves this college? I don’t see anyone suggesting the guy find a new college.
why is the expectation that the woman need to make the change.
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She doesn’t need to. But the scenario here is she’s having to choose the off limits today college, not him. He’s going where he intended.
If he was following her, I’d say he could always transfer.
You are adding bias where it doesn’t exist or at least is not intended.
My synopsis was to OP based on the story they presented, not a case study of gender bias.
And why is it we so often hear that it is the girl following the guy to college rather than the other way around.
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The case that I know of the girl did follow the guy to university, except that she picked the university. He went to her first choice school with the understanding that she would follow a year later.
Then she went there, then they broke up. They did however both discover that they liked the university quite a bit, and graduated, and have done well since. This was a case where they both attended a school that was a good fit for them.
Perhaps the main point here is that both students should pick a university that is a good choice for them. Then either the relationship breaks up (more likely) or lasts (still entirely possible).
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Because she is the one who is deciding to attend a college based mostly on the criterion that her boyfriend will be close. So it’s logical to assume that, once the boyfriend is out of the picture, she may not find the college that attractive anymore. The boyfriend, though, did not use “close to girlfriend” as a criterion for selecting his college, so removing the girlfriend from the equation is unlikely to change his view of his college.
The OP was very clear that none of the colleges that are close to the boyfriend was even on her daughter’s radar before the boyfriend decided to attend the East Coast college. So she may decide that she likes these colleges, but since she didn’t find them interesting before the boyfriend was going to be nearby, there is a good likelihood that she won’t grow to like them when she starts attending.
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We moved when my kids were in hs, and daughter had a boyfriend in California (we’d moved to Florida). She wanted to go to college in California but I couldn’t afford it. She understood that but BF and HIS PARENTS were really pushing for daughter to go there. He was older so already at Chapman, which was 30 minutes from their high school(so HE could live near his family but SHE couldn’t?). Uh, no. His father kept telling me that ‘we needed to give these two a chance’ and wanted daughter to live with them the summer after she graduated from hs, before college. She said yes and I was really, really mad. She finally admitted that she felt pressured so I called the father and said no. He continued to pressure me. NO.
The family drove to Florida in an RV for daughter’s graduation and to go on a vacation. Daughter did go on vacation with them and they wanted her to stay longer and I said she could but daughter said no, she wanted to come home. BF drove her home, 8 hours from the Florida keys. She broke up with him that day. He was devastated. I thought she was pretty mean but the 10 day vacation was terrible for her (can you imagine what the summer would have been living and working with the whole family?).
I saw him again a few years later at a wedding of a mutual friend. This was never going to be a long term romance.
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