Daughter has dreamed of going to college in CA for quite a while, especially because CA offers the most opportunities for her major. She has been accepted into her #2 college choice (ranked number 4 for her major). Still waiting to hear on her #1 choice (ranked number 3 for her major). The number 1 and 2 ranked colleges for her major are not affordable and do not offer academic-based merit, per their own websites. The COA between the college she has been accepted to and the numbers 1 and 2 ranked colleges is $100,000 total for four years. This is not chump change. Until recently, she did not have interest in the 1 and 2 ranked programs. Enter a boy. Her bf is wealthy and is applying to one of the top two ranked colleges, and suddenly my daughter wanted to apply to the same schools. We told her she could apply, but we would not pay the application fee or co-sign on loans for this college. In addition, this college is on the east coast, which is a place she has never before desired to go. Because the college her bf is applying to is not possible for her to attend from a financial perspective, she is now looking at colleges that cost as much as the college she has already been accepted to, only these colleges have lower rankings and fewer opportunities for internships and networking. She is considering these colleges only because they are located closer to the bf’s choice.
I am at a loss for the following reasons: 1. Most of these colleges are a stretch for us financially, but we are willing to fork over the money for a school that is truly top-tier and in CA, where she has always wanted to be. 2. We are concerned that she will choose a school she doesn’t like as much, eventually break up with the bf, and then she’s stuck with no bf in a school that wasn’t where she wanted to be. 3. Her bf will not consider giving up HIS dream school to go to a less desirable school in CA, so I struggle with my daughter being the one to give up her dreams so he can have his.
Any words of wisdom? Just stay out of it and let the chips fall where they may? This is hard when we are the ones paying. I just need some perspective from a neutral third party, or maybe from someone who has been in a similar situation.
I mean, your concern (2) is extremely well-founded as it is very likely to eventually go down that way.
So while I’m normally inclined to let my kids make their own life choices, that specific one I might not allow. Of course ideally you could talk her out of it, but I have no magical formula for that.
So many relationships crash at thanksgiving (the turkey drop). Just tell her you can’t afford the schools she is considering. If she gets into one of the less expensive, but lower ranked schools, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
I would not have let my child make a college decision based on where a boyfriend was going. And if finances are tight, I’d be totally up front with your child about what you are willing to pay and for what kind of school. Your daughter shouldn’t have to be giving up her dreams for a relationship that statistically isn’t going to last. The psychology/relationship journals say that less than 2% of high school relationship last.
If they are really meant to be, they’ll survive long distance. Modern technology makes staying in touch much easier than it used to.
IMO, it speaks volumes that the boy isn’t willing to consider giving up his school.
This isn’t a situation where I would sit on the sidelines.
Not one of my kids high school relationships have survived college, the longest lasted 1 1/2 years dated for a couple of years in HS, survived the boyfriend’s first year in college, and then half of my daughter’s. He attended school in Boston, so when my daughter was receiving acceptances from random small privates in Boston (she wanted business school), we put our foot down. Another daughter met her current boyfriend at college orientation, they went to different universities a flight away from each other for three years to get their doctorates, and are currently living in our home. They traveled a lot, and their programs ran over summers as well.
I know one couple who made it work, a college friend. One.
I’d leave the BF out of it entirely (channeling Romeo and Juliet here). Don’t go there.
Sit her down when you’ve got time and quiet, and walk her through the spreadsheet of where the money will come from for college, the belt-tightening of the budget you will be engaged in (happily) for her to meet her intellectual and academic goals, and show her that you aren’t holding out on her for spite– you are spending what you can spend for her to get an education.
Period. If it’s too late to add more schools, she can evaluate her options once her acceptances are on the table and decide if she wants to get a job next year to work and reapply. But no job a HS grad can get will bridge the gap on an unaffordable college- so she’ll be able to bank some spending money, books, etc. but NOT allow her to attend an unaffordable school.
So her options are pretty clear. Unaffordable is unaffordable. What is the field she wants to go into, and why is it only available in California (is that instate for you? Where do you live?)
My experience with someone following a boyfriend to university include a first semester break up, a trip to console her, a large but fully successful effort for her to catch up on courses she had fallen behind in, and her discovering that she was nonetheless at an affordable university that was a great fit for her and for her major (and where she ended up doing very well, but without that particular boyfriend).
An extra $100,000 to attend the university where a boyfriend goes is a mighty expensive date.
If the boyfriend really cares about her, he could apply to the affordable schools where she is applying. A student can do very, very well with a degree from a university that is “top 5” or even “top 100” for their major. A student can go on to graduate program at the #1 or #2 ranked university for their major with a bachelor’s from a top 100 university (this is not just in theory, I have seen lots of real examples).
Even for majors that are obscure where there are not many programs, if a program is ranked third or forth in the USA that is a superb program.
It sounds like he is making the choice to plan on attending a school that is not a fit for her. She should dump him. If he is not willing to make a minor adjustment to make things way, way better for her, then the relationship is not going to work. This is a choice that is reasonable for him, but she really should not follow him.
Good for you!
If you are not willing to co-sign loans, and if she would need to borrow $100,000, then she just plain will not be able to go. You can hope that she won’t get in and that particular problem might go away.
I am neutral. He is making a choice that is good for him but that is bad for the relationship. She should make a choice that is good for her, which to me sounds like it is in-state and affordable and very good.
FWIW, she will not be able to take out loans in her own name to pay for college – the limits on student borrowing (independently of parents) are very low, so you’ve got that working in your favor. and you can decide what you’ll pay for and what you won’t
You could ask her why the boyfriend is not willing to sacrifice his college location for her – as others have pointed out, that’s a really excellent question. I know you have to be delicate about this topic so you don’t push her away or back her into a corner, but you can ask her to look ahead 5-10 years. If she maximizes her professional outcomes now by choosing the best school for her, she’ll have more leverage later when the two of them try to pursue their careers in a location that works for both of them. If she limits herself with her college choice now, she’ll have less control later over her career path. (Yes, I know – there are lots of holes in that argument: they likely won’t last as a couple, and students get out of their college experience what they put into it, etc. But I’m trying to frame it in terms of what an 18yo would understand in terms of how she thinks her relationship will work out.)
If she plans on becoming a teacher or anything that’s licensed within the State of California, she should go to school in California. To become employed in California, she should start off in California. The rules for licensure are extremely strict in our state.
I would leave options, for “the boyfriend”, out of the discussion because he’s not going to listen to anyone. He’s a tool. She’ll figure it out.
Kids do have a “romantic
image” about taking a flight to go see their significant others. Maybe you can approach it that way?
Once they have “the boyfriend”, they will not listen to anyone.
I don’t think anyone here should be saying negative things about the boyfriend. He is acting exactly as the OP wishes her daughter would act. 18 year olds should be thinking of their future and not someone else’s.
I think the best way about this is to say that boyfriend is a great kid, you’re happy they’re together, but at this point in their lives they both should be working on following their own dreams and doing what is best for them. Remind her that her educational goals and dreams were always at the CA schools.
I’m sure we all know couples (not necessarily from HS!) who were long distance for years while they pursued graduate education or jobs. Explain that if they are meant to be together, this time apart will show that, and they will have that freedom in 4 years.
Perhaps as a carrot, if you can afford it with the less expensive school she chooses, you could offer to pay for one flight per semester or year to visit boyfriend on the east coast. That way she won’t feel like you’re against them, which could make it harder to convince her.
Why he is not worthy for prioritizing his own intellectual and academic goals over a relationship? These are 17 year old kids for god’s sake. Nobody needs to dump anyone. He goes to the college he chooses, she goes to the college SHE chooses, and they either decide the relationship is working long distance or it’s not.
Why is someone’s “worth” tied to the decision about where to go to college? Maybe his parents have told him that they will not support a college decision based on a HS girlfriend’s whim that she must be in California (which is a perfectly legitimate position IMHO although I always advise staying out of teenage romance).
I disagree, he should apply to whatever schools interest him, and not sacrifice his wants over what sounds like a somewhat new relationship. I don’t think college students should be focusing on significant others (I was annoyed when my daughter started dating her bf freshman year, same honors college, same dorm, same friend group, but it did work out, surprisingly).
BF isn’t a jerk for prioritizing his own goals in the admissions process. He might be a jerk for pressuring his gf to sacrifice her own priorities to follow him, if that’s what is happening. But I don’t think the original post makes clear what his stance on this is.
This is a tough thing to navigate. Sacrificing her best interests for proximity to the bf is not likely to end well. However, challenging her desire to be near the bf head-on may be counterproductive. Certainly, be 100% clear about the finances - both the objective constraints, and the more subjective aspect of, “How much we’re willing to stretch and sacrifice financially depends on the desirability of the school, and bf-proximity does not figure into that calculation on our end.”
It sounds to me like she’s just in the “bargaining” stage of grieving the dream of going to college together. She may just need time to process. Best wishes to all of you!
I think that he is making the right decision for him personally, which is fine.
I do not think that a high school senior should continue to date someone who is going to require that they change their university to either a way more expensive or way lower ranked school or a school that is a worse fit.
I was partly joking, and partly meant “worthy as in worth changing your university plans to something way more expensive”. His decision is probably entire appropriate for him. For the daughter, taking on an extra $100,000 expense that you can’t afford to follow is a bad idea.
There are a small number, very small number, of high school romances that would be worth protecting and preserving. I have no idea how a high school student would tell whether their relationship falls into this category. However, if it is, then he could apply to and plan to attend the in-state public school that is ranked only 3rd or 4th in the country. If he chooses not to do this, then he is making a good choice for him, but not a choice that the girlfriend should follow.
Perhaps I could edit my post to reduce the hyperbole.
As a parent, I would not be happy if my kid’s SO wanted to attend college with them, or even by them. I have a good friend who switched her college if choice when her HS boyfriend decided to go to her first choice school.
I still find your stance bizarre. “require”? Nobody is making a college choice until March or April anyway. This is how teenage romances progress. It would be great if…. how wonderful that we’ll be together forever and forever…. let’s spend every moment together, can’t you switch out of volleyball for next semester and sign up for weightlifting?
What’s wrong with them continuing to date? He’s got the reality check that he’s applied to where he’s applied- and doesn’t feel (or parents don’t want him to) that a switch is in order. Perfectly rational. She’s about the get the reality check that the parents won’t pay for her to attend school close to where he’s going to end up. And they can still date! They can go to prom! They can promise eternal love at least until Thanksgiving or their breakup whichever comes first!
Nobody is requiring anything here. He’ll make his choice, she’ll make hers, that’s what it means to be in HS.
My GS is still dating his HS girlfriend half way through sophomore year despite the fact that he’s in college in New England and she’s in college in the South. Students are actually only away at college for about 7.5 months per year.
My friend has two kids who dated high school classmates all the way through high school. None of them attended the same colleges. The older couple is now a few years out of college, and they are still together. The younger couple broke up during sophomore year of college. If it’s meant to be, the relationship will survive the distance during college. Tell your D that she needs to do what is best for her academically, with the understanding that you are able to pay $X & she will not be able to borrow beyond the federal loan limits. No value judgment about the relationship, because that can backfire spectacularly.
Good luck, my oldest’s relationship (3 relationships ago) of 3 years ended when he was a sophomore (valentines day weekend, she took a Bolt bus to Boston to end it in person, good thing she had a friend at northeastern, there was a blizzard and she got stuck there for a couple of days).