<p>A friend’s senior attempted suicide last week and has been in an induced coma. Supposedly today is the day for awakening, EEGs, etc. This is such a tough situation, great family, but also no surprise, this kid has just not been happy for many years. The family has been trying to help, but to no avail, and yet to someone not a party to the intimate details, life looked good for everyone.</p>
<p>Any ideas how to best support the family? We are not close enough to be the ones at the hospital, that’s covered and there is plenty of family around. How can a second tier of friends offer help? Maybe meals when every one is home, but for now?</p>
<p>Offer to run errands, do household chores, prepare meals to leave in the fridge to warmed up later. And just generally let the family know you’re available to help in any way you can even if that means just listening without judgment if they need to vent.</p>
<p>For now I would think a short, sincere note along the lines of “You’re in our hearts and prayers.” If you are aware of a very specific need - younger child needs transportation to school or an EC, dog needs walking, lawn needs watering, maybe get a message to someone in the inner circle saying you can help in that way. If you were to call the parents and offer your help, it might be more than they can deal with just now. Wishing the family the best.</p>
<p>Oh my, somemom, I am so sorry. Do they need anything taken care of at their house? Pets, laundry, shopping? Or do they need/want a caring bridge or facebook page set up to share updates (probably not, but you never know). Are there younger kids that need help with anything? Transportation to any activities if they are trying to continue to go during this difficult time? Just let them know you are there to do whatever they need, and keep offering.</p>
<p>Our community uses the LotsaHelpingHands website. Any number of people can be set up as administrators to list what errands need to be done and meals to bring. Friends or interested people have to be approved by the administrator to be able to see and sign up for tasks. </p>
<p>Somemom: you are wonderful! Families in crisis have so many “needs”. Often they aren’t even aware of their needs because they are in over their heads. Are there other children? Do they need a semblance of real life? Pets…yes, walking and socializing. Food in the fridge? Delivery of food to the hospital? People forget to eat.</p>
<p>Again, you and the circle of friends are wonderful.</p>
<p>Keep in touch with them. Sometimes in these situations people don’t know what to do so they back away.</p>
<p>How about mowing the lawn, weeding the flower beds, raking leaves. Having their home look good
Is probably a low priority for them but will be nice to have done.</p>
<p>Running errands…simple things like offering to go to then post office or bank or grocery store.</p>
<p>And short notes telling them you are thinking of their family.</p>
<p>Supportive friends can make all the difference. If the inner circle is mobilized now, perhaps talking to one of them would help as far as knowing more specifics about the family’s needs as well as their preferred way of coping with their community at this time. They not only have their need to sort this out, but they must also consider their young adult’s privacy. </p>
<p>Interacting with lots of people, however caring, can exceed capacity. Behind the scenes help can make a difference, and in my experiences with families going through a big upset, it can be awhile before they want to navigate a wide circle directly. Best to all. They are lucky to have thoughtful people willing to be there for them.</p>
<p>My H’s brother committed suicide almost 4 years ago. It seemed like people rallied around for a short time, then were back to being busy with their own lives and forgot.</p>
<p>Cards and short notes were great to get and nice to get out and look at now, when it seems like everyone has forgotten.</p>
<p>And, a note 6 months or a year later would have been nice. It would not have needed to mention anything other than “I am thinking of you and hope that all is well.”</p>
<p>My son committed suicide. He lived for 16 days before he died. Is this young man expected to survive? The support of our family, close friends, extended friends, neighbors and virtually everyone we know certainly made a most difficult time tolerable. I can’t speak as to what would help the family as this is such a sensitive topic. Are they open about their son? Is he hospitalized in their home town? Many of the suggestions above (lawn care, pet care, transportation or care of other children) are very good suggestions. People didn’t ask, they just did it. We were not offended by this, some people may be.
My heart is with the family, it is a parents’ worst nightmare.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry you lost your dear son heavyheart, that is unimaginable. I hope you continue to have support. I know families who have become involved in suicide survivor groups with AFSP and later became group facilitators. A very personal choice, but for them it provided a way to find some meaning…</p>
<p>Somemom - please let me know the results of the tests. PM me if you would like. My advice may be different depending… Also, I’m sorry for assuming the student was a male, it could be either. My son was also a college senior.</p>
<p>For the rest of you who are wondering what to do or say after a successful suicide- These are some things that helped us. Call and invite us places (to dinner, to play golf, to the movies) I had to turn down a lot of invites, because I had so many, but people kept trying. For me, it really helps, still (10 months later) to stay busy.</p>
<p>Emails, texts, cards and phone calls at random times or on special dates help. There are some people who are incredibly brave and actually talk to me about it, which I don’t mind at all. It saddens me when people won’t even say his name around me. </p>
<p>People have told me that because we have chosen to be open about our son and the cause of his death and the circumstances around it- it has opened up an avenue for them to talk to their children. I am hopeful that this can prevent another family from going through what we did. I am aware that being open may not be for everyone. Each family is different, you will need to take your cues from the family.</p>
<p>When my son was in the hospital, people offered to do what they do best. The tech geeks set up our caring bridge site and set up my new Kindle. The people with boat connections had our boat winterized for us. Leaves were raked, gardens were tended. We were at an out of town hospital, people donated reward points for hotel rooms, meals were set up through a web site called Take them a Meal, rides were given to family members that needed them (grandparents and college students) One of my daughter’s friends showed up with a handful of phone chargers (We couldn’t seemed to keep our phones charged) I learned to let people take care of me. It was/is a very humbling experience.</p>
<p>I have tried to learn about and be more understanding of mental illness, especially depression. It is a frustrating dynamic when a young adult suffers from a mental illness because they have to believe they need help and actually try and get it. There is also still a huge societal stigma on mental illness.</p>
<p>heavyheart, I was so glad to read your point of view. My sister committed suicide, as well as my aunt when I was younger. At the time (of S’s death), I would not have welcomed phone calls, because I was frankly paranoid about people who were just looking for juicy gossip. I wasn’t strong enough to answer questions about my sister’s suicide. But in my neighborhood, two young men have died due to suicide. And both boys have been over my house, and been friends with my daughter. I never contacted one of the moms, because we had lost contact, and i felt that I was being ghoulish and intrusive by showing up after all these years to express my “sympathy”. Because that’s how I would have felt if someone called about my sister. </p>
<p>Recently, I ran into the mom in the supermarket, asked her how she was doing.
Since she knew about my sister, she simply replied, “I’m surviving.” We talked about our children, and we were about as normal as we could be. But if I could have seen the situation with your eyes, I would have contacted her sooner. I felt ashamed of my sister’s suicide, and I thought my neighbor might feel the same. We had a similar religious background. I’m sorry that I didn’t reach out sooner, even though I’m sure that most of her practical needs were met by family and other (closer) friends.</p>
<p>heavyheart, just rereading this thread and wanted to thank you for generously sharing your experience. People want to help, but it is so hard to know what to do…</p>