The only things that I worry about are safety from disease, safety from assault, and avoiding unwanted pregnancy.
We have done our best to make sure that our D is educated on all of those. The only thing I need to know about her sex life is that she’s protected from disease, pregnancy, and assault.
Because of her social activism, and because her schools and our suburb, the “abstinence only” was not the type of sex education that my kid got. So she is pretty solid on protection, avoidance, the importance of consent, and is getting pretty good at identifying the red flags in potential dates and partners.
My wife has most the discussions regarding actual attraction, how to get somebody to be interested, how to know when is the right time, etc.
We had all the talks, but emphasized the safety aspects as noted by many up thread. We also all read Missoula and talked about it quite a bit. The book came out right before my daughter started college.
The talks in my house started in middle school and were over before high school graduation. With my S the emphasis was heavy on how to read body language and knowing when a girl wants to say no, but doesn’t verbalize it. I also stressed that he had 100% responsibility to be sure his partner did not conceive and that if she did he was 100% responsible for that baby. With my D talks centered alot about safety in numbers, date rape, how alcohol diminishes your inhibitions, and of course different forms of birth control. She chose abstinence throughout high school. She hasn’t had a serious boyfriend since Turkey Drop freshman year so not sure where she is at this point in her life and I have no intention of bringing it up unless she does.
The rare times two of my three lads brought it up I told them they were adults and needed to figure out their own thoughts on the matter just like I did in my college days. No matter what they decided we were fine with it. It’s their lives after all.
Neither joined the hook up crowd. One is still hunting for the right gal for him. We wish him well. He’ll be a superb H. All dated. How far they went is their decision (with consent of course).
Oh I think, (even though neither kid drinks a drop), I talked about consent in light of either of the parties being impaired. I do think that NYS Health Ed also covered most of this as well.
I’m curious about whether the researchers corrected adequately for cultural and religious differences. Some cultural and religious groups that discourage sex outside of marriage also discourage divorce. So what we could be seeing is a correlation based on the habits of different groups in our society rather than a cause-and-effect relationship.
I’m curious about whether the researchers corrected adequately for stuff like dying young (much less likely to get divorced, somewhat less likely to have multiple partners), never getting married (ditto), being gay, age at which one had multiple partners (people with only one marriage are much more likely to have only one partner than people with more than one marriage).
The study is based on CDC data, but I am not going to bother trying to convince anyone of my perception of the truth, or justify my advice to my kids.
As a general note, I would certainly hope our kids are getting better advice than what a collection of peer-reviewed studies show.
Also, when people disagree with my statement that condoms are ineffective, the impasse results from our difference of opinion on “ineffective.” Condoms may reduce risk, but they don’t eliminate risk. And if you want the lab-proven 99% effectiveness, I hope your child chooses to have sex in a lab.
I would add, for both guys and girls, to not be afraid to “rescue” someone who either can’t defend themselves or get away from unwanted attention. Also - I know of two college guys who were drugged this semester so far - one by an unknown and one by a girl in his dorm. No one is immune and you need to have a buddy system in place!
We talked about protecting yourself from STD’s and unwanted pregnancy. We also talked about consent and being emotionally ready for sex and how emotional sex can be. We also made it clear that as much as we’d like grandchildren, we’d really really appreciate it if our kids had grandchildren when they were married or at least when they had the resources to raise children and provide for them. We know a family whose daughter had a baby at 18 and they’re raising their granddaughter, they don’t seem to mind, but they do seem stressed and something about it just doesn’t sit right with me. I do get they want to help, but I’d have hated to put my parents through that…Grandparents are supposed to be fun, they aren’t supposed to raise the kid (outside of certain circumstances)…
Very true. Many males are victims of sexual abuse/assault as well.
“The rare times two of my three lads brought it up I told them they were adults and needed to figure out their own thoughts on the matter just like I did in my college days.”
How come? Your own comfort level? Personally, I want my kids to feel free to talk to me about anything.
One item not mentioned yet is pornography. I did have that conversation with my kids as well as I personally feel that their are many negative consequences of watching pornography on sexual relationships and sexual attitudes, especially at younger ages, given such easy internet access these days.
Those two lads certainly know they can talk with us about everything/anything - it’s why the subject came up. They get to make their own decisions because they don’t have to adopt ours (which I shared with them). They’re their own selves, not little “mini-mes.” I want them to know we accept them no matter what life choices they make and to have their own reasoning for their decisions about all sorts of things (faith, relationships, drinking, etc). I think humans are stronger in what they believe when they make the decisions for themselves based on their own reasons rather than adopting or rebelling from mom/dad.
Considering my lads were all raised on a pony breeding farm, they’ve known a considerable amount about the nuts and bolts of sex from a very young age. We had to talk with them about not sharing a ton in elementary school… and now with one lad in med school there’s definitely nothing off limits. That said I don’t feel we need a play by play of our evening together or theirs when any of us are on a date.
My message to my kids has been pretty simple: don’t get pregnant/don’t get anyone pregnant; don’t get diseases; and (ideally) have sex only with people they actually know and care about, ideally within the context of a relationship.
I think that this can be so different for everyone depending on the relationship they have with their parents. I preferred that my parents keep out my business with sex-related stuff (and for the most part, they did). I was told that they wanted to know if I was getting serious with anyone, to which I agreed (I would have told them anyway). They know I am a pretty outspoken feminist and actively engaged with movements preventing sexual assault and educating on consent, so that was not as much of a concern. However, I think that is the most important thing to talk about with your children if you are remotely concerned they have not be educated on that stuff before (my school district did a good job educating us from before middle school to throughout high school).
For the record, I am very close with my parents (did not hide the fact I partied/went out and told them when I started exploring alcohol and the like).
If one is having sex, there is no better alternative. They are very effective, but not perfect.
Grey’s Anatomy just did an episode about rape, a side plot was “the talk” with Miranda Bailey’s son - it was a really good talk. The episode was powerful (and almost not aired) in several was, but that teen talk at the end was really good. Not just about consent, but about paying attention to your partner’s enjoyment too.
All our college sex talks (which the boys didn’t want to discuss, but I forced) revolved around Drinking.
My biggest fear is not sexual disease or pregnancy or my daughter being sexually assaulted, but my son’s being in a position that they are accused of sexual assault.
They may think all parties consented, only to learn the next day their partner was too drunk to remember.
It’s not that complicated to avoid sexually assaulting someone. You said you are worried that your sons “may think all parties consented, only to learn the next day their partner was too drunk to remember.” If their partner is too drunk to remember, or “blacked out” - it would be physically obvious that they were not able to consent, since they are beyond “incapacitated” - which means they are beyond “drunkeness” or “intoxication”. There are no excuses at this point for the perpetrator since there are really no blurred lines here on whether that person is able to affirm consent.
The fact is your sons are much more likely to be sexually assaulted than be falsely accused of sexual assault. It sounds harsh, but it is true.
False reports are very rare. Most sexual assaults go unreported, or if they are reported, there is usually not enough evidence for criminal conviction (and oftentimes this is the same for the lower evidence-standard civil and college disciplinary proceedings). All this is even assuming if the survivor does not redact the report or opt to not pursue disciplinary/civil/criminal justice. There are facts, back by empirical evidence - and I have seen it play out first-hand in my time as a former student and student employee in student affairs.