<p>Except that apparently the parents aren’t even allowed to come to the wedding because they aren’t Mormons?</p>
<p>I would be very upset if my child were planning to participate in a wedding ceremony in a religion that did not allow me to attend.</p>
<p>That said, I would advise the parents to concentrate on the twin goals of preserving a cordial relationship with their daughter and encouraging the daughter to finish school so that she is not trapped financially in the long term. (I would also keep my fingers crossed that she did not get pregnant in the next few years, but keep it to myself.)</p>
<p>If the girl is willing to ditch her college career and her parents for someone who sounds like a sponge and a loafer who is a member of a cult-like religion that tries to separate the girl from her parents, their chances of achieving those goals by being punitive are minimal.</p>
<p>I disagree with those who say the parents should pay for college even if the girl gets married. This was the deal the parents made with her: If you get married, we don’t pay for college. The rules were quite explicit and set out up front. While it was probably a way to bribe the child to postpone marriage, the child didn’t accept the bribe. She didn’t have to. I think if the parents paid for college anyway, the child might reasonably conclude that her parents don’t mean what they say.</p>
<p>First, regarding the gift tax, all tuition can be paid directly and does not count against the now $13,000. Also, it may still be that if the parents furnish more than 1/2 support (as my dad did for my sister’s senior year), the parents can claim her on the return.
All married couples that I have known, all things being equal (such as work hours), make better grades than do single couples.
It will be considerably easier for the daughter to get a degree now as opposed to later and I would fund it.
Personally, I don’t object to young marriages, particularly when the couple is well matched.
I don’t know what I would do if I objected to the groom. But I do know couples whose in-law problems began pre-marriage and lasted until the inlaws died.</p>
<p>Bessie-good idea for the counseling. I called my friend and she is very open to it. I think this all has potential to cause a lot of problems with their own marriage and relationship with the daughter so maybe a neutral party mediating some of it might help. </p>
<p>Consolation-The religion factor is a BIG issue. She has adopted these beliefs since she met him. The wedding would be in the mormon temple and no one is allowed in who isn’t “worthy”. There’s no negotiating those rules. That type of ceremony is also one of their biggest beliefs so they would rather have their parents miss it than not have it. </p>
<p>There’s more issues than just marrying young. It’s feeling like she’s being brainwashed and also marrying someone who they don’t feel is good enough for her and that she’ll be supporting her whole life.</p>
<p>My sister got married a few weeks before her 19th birthday. She finished college because my mother insisted on it and paid for it (well most of it-sis did have loans). Of course my mother did not actually object to the groom.</p>
<p>I got married the summer after college graduation and I had a baby while in law school. This can be done and can work out, but only with full family support.</p>
<p>Then this is what the parents need to deal with. They will be facing it for the rest of the daughter’s life so they need to come to terms with her conversion.</p>
<p>It is my understanding that there is the possibility to have a wedding at the local Ward (marriage for time) and follow it at a later date with a wedding at a Temple (marriage for eternity). Perhaps the non-Mormon parents could negotiate a big Ward wedding so that all of the non-Mormon relatives and friends could participate, and then the daughter and son-in-law could have the Temple wedding when it would be convenient for them. Or, perhaps a Civil wedding with a judge followed up by a religious service. This is the norm in any number of countries although it isn’t too common in the US.</p>
<p>If it were me (and I SO hope it never is!) I think I’d take back my pledge to not pay for college if she did marry and instead pledge to support her whatever she decides and then talk to her about all the reasons to not marry until after college. Once she understands that mom is not trying to control her with threats of withdrawing support she may be more receptive to reason. Even if marriage at this age is a mistake (and I agree that it almost certainly is), getting her education is not. If the aim in paying for her to get an education is to bolster her chances of success in life, I don’t see how that changes when she marries–unless it becomes even more important (particularly given her choice in a husband). Personally, I think attempts to control our kids with threats of withdrawn financial support make situations like this more likely. Removal of the threat may help her think more clearly and, even if it doesn’t, it will at least help them to maintain a parent/child/grandchild relationship as they move forward.</p>
<p>As would I and I would voice that hurt. Since my son is gay, the odds of that happening are extremely slim. However, I would stick to my plan. </p>
<p>As I said, it depends on the circumstances but I lean strongly towards well wishes and reclaiming that portion of our income. There are just too many variables to say for sure what I would do. In my experience, those struggles of our first years of marriage were good prep for life itself.</p>
<p>There are 2 issues here that need to be separated.</p>
<p>1) You don’t like the guy; and
2) College.</p>
<h1>1 affects #2.</h1>
<p>Do all you can to discourage the marriage: Bribes (finish paying for college if she waits), rationally explain the situation to an irrational person (remember how you felt), etc. However, it is her life to fail to live up to its potential, and in the end, you can’t stop her.</p>
<p>If I didn’t agree with my kid’s choice, then financial support would stop at the time of the marriage. Save the dollars. One of 3 things will happen:</p>
<p>1) Things work out. He becomes responsible.
2) Things don’t work out. Ends in divorce.
3) He remains a bumb, and your daughter supports him.</p>
<p>If #1 or #2 happens, then start supporting her in school again. If #3 happens, then that is her choice, and nothing obligates you to support that choice. Save you money to spoil on the grand kids.</p>
<p>Also, you mentioned that kids marry early in order to avoid the sin of having sex before marriage. That prohibition has 2 purposes: 1) Make sure you are in a committed relationship when kids happen; and 2) Wait until the proper time in your life to start having sex. You might want to remind them that God expects them to make wise decisions. God may honor their marriage commitment (even if made unwisely), but He may also want them to wait until the proper time to make that commitment. In other words: Is it really God’s will that they marry AT THIS TIME?</p>
<p>Remind them of the 5th commandment: Exodus 20:12 (New International Version): “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” It is the first commandment that comes with a promise.</p>
<p>Thirty something years ago, my parents backed down on the “no tuition if you get married first” thing and did pay for my senior year. OTOH, they liked my H, and tuition was $300/semester.<br>
They realized that if they didn’t pay I was going to have to quit school. We were going to get married, no matter what (and no, it wasn’t that we were “waiting”…).
Note that I didn’t say they paid for any of our living expenses. We learned to live cheap. H had a teaching assistantship.
I urge the parents involved to bite their tongues until they bleed and keep a good relationship with their daughter. THe two most likely scenerios are 1. grandchildren and 2. early divorce. (or both) Either way, their daughter is likelly to need them in the future.</p>
<p>While I admittedly would not want my daughters to get married while in college, and would advise them to wait, I would not tie anything I did for them to their decision. It is their decision to make. If I had planned to put them through college (and I have), that would not change if they got married. In the case of the friend of the OP, that mom seems to care very much that her kid gets an education and so by cutting off the financial means to one, she is in effect, keeping her kid from realizing that goal. She is saying if you do X or Y, I will not support that goal. If it were me, I would still send my kid through college. My desire for her to get an education would not have changed by her marital status. I can’t see being punitive to keep her from marrying (likely would not work anyway) and sabotaging the education I had wanted her to have in the first place. </p>
<p>I got married the summer after my sophomore year in college (which was unusual even in my generation for college educated kids…I was the only married undergrad at my university). My parents did not object. My husband graduated before our wedding but he was entering a four year graduate school. I eventually also went to graduate school. My parents still paid for my college expenses and grad school expenses in the same way that they would have had I not gotten married. I have now been married for 31 years. </p>
<p>I do see an issue with the girl’s parents not being allowed to attend the church wedding. I would either urge a wedding in another setting, to respect both families, or else try to have a second wedding ceremony and reception for the bride’s family and friends so that they are not cut out. That is a different issue, however.</p>
<p>VeryHappy…they do but it can be difficult. Many years ago a friend of mine who was Mormon divorced. When she got divorced she was stricken from the rolls and was no longer welcome at the Temple. All of the couples joint friends were Mormon and did not believe that she should have divorced her husband. She was out on her own and it was very difficult for her.
Perhaps times have changed since then…I hope so.<br>
As far as the parents being at the wedding, there is generally not an option for a wedding in another setting. The Mormon belief is that the wedding in the Temple seals the couple for eternity. The best they can hope for is a ceremony at the Ward and then a separate Temple ceremony which the parents of the bride would not be allowed to attend.</p>
<p>A little Googling reveals that while a Mormon wedding ceremony is private, and only Mormons may attend, typically when there are non-Mormon relatives, another civil ceremony is also held so everyone can celebrate the marriage. The girl’s parents might want to investigate that.</p>
<p>I can sympathize with the parents. Their daughter has converted to a different religion that they find strange, and now she wants to get married. But she’s an adult. They must accept that she can and will make choices they wouldn’t have made. They can’t control her, but they can control how they react to her.</p>
<p>If the parents are concerned about their D’s choice of spouse, I would think it’s all the more reason for them to continue paying for her college education. If the marriage fails, as it may well do, she will have completed (or almost completed) her college degree and will be able to make use of it to support herself. </p>
<p>I do know a very high-powered academic couple who married after their sophomore year. However, they waited a very long time to have a child.</p>
<p>my sister joined the LDS church while in high school, she met her husband in a youth group there ( although she was 17 & he was 31), she also gave birth to her first almost 9 months to the day after they married. ( they now have 5)
They did not have a civil ceremony, while that could have been an option they weren’t interested.l
IT is true that divorce rates in Utah are high ( as is anti-depressant use), from my observation, the pressure would be great to remain as the marriage ceremony is a huge deal. ( as are all the things connected)
[Article</a> on Mormon Celestial Marriage](<a href=“Temples of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints | ChurchofJesusChristTemples.org”>Temples of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints | ChurchofJesusChristTemples.org)
how do you tell God that HE made a mistake?*</p>
<p>I don’t know what I would do.
IF the couple wasn’t Mormon, I would encourage them to finish school & live together
financially, even without all the other reasons, that makes the most sense and not just for the couple.
But " good" Mormons will not even consider that-
if I could afford it, I probably would try to still help with tuition, but as she would no longer be my dependent, that would be not a bargain.</p>
<p>I am torn on this. I don’t think anyone should get married until they are financially independent. At first I was thinking I wouldn’t even pay for the tuition, but I think I would pay the tuition with an agreement of obtaining certain GPA. I would stop paying for any living expense though. I would also try not to bad mouth the “loser” too much because he could become your grandchildren’s father.</p>
<p>Marite gave another reason I would continue paying for college. If the marriage doesn’t last, at least she’d have her college education, which apparently this girl’s mom DOES value. </p>
<p>Also, I would pursue the civil ceremony in addition to the Mormon one so that the bride’s family can be part of the celebration. </p>
<p>If the disaproval is so great, along with “consequences” if she marries this young man, I see a lot of discord in the future and that is not worth it, in my view. </p>
<p>Also, getting married young doesn’t have to mean having children young. As I wrote earlier, I got married after soph year in college (I was 20 and husband was 22) and we decided from the get go to finish college and graduate school and get our careers going prior to having kids and kept to that plan and D1 was born after we were married for nine years (I was 29, he was 31).</p>