<p>I’m writing this post for a friend of mine going through this since the help of other parents on this forum has always been invaluable to me in the past. DD has been dating her BF for a little less than a year. They are both college sophmores. She has had one other steady boyfriend and that relationship ended badly. DD suddenly announced she is getting married in July. She lives off campus several hours away from parents in same state. Currently her parents pay for all of her expenses. They have raised her to know how important college is blah blah. They’ve asked her to wait till she graduates to marry but they don’t want to. DD and boyfriend are both Mormon. They won’t have sex till marriage which seems to be the driving factor in the area/culture of why kids here marry young and have very short engagements. The parents are very liberal and told them having sex/living together would be a much better choice than getting married this young.The parents have already told her they will no longer pay for college, expenses etc if she does this in July. She and the boyfriend do not care. They are in love and have lots of married friends who they say do just fine. BF is currently on worker’s comp for a back injury which requires surgery in 2 months. DD makes about $200 a month and has never been responsible for anything financially in her life. BF is only going to school part time and really lacks ambition. His family (also Mormon) is completely thrilled with the idea. They are a very dysfunctional family and marrying young is the norm. My friends are devastated. DD is an only child who her mother raised alone till the age of 38 when she married. They were always super close and the she has given her whole life to DD always. The father adopted her at 17. Their daughter is a smart ambitious girl who suddenly has done a 360 when she met this boy at college. She has no idea about finances, his debt or how much her life will be impacted now. They are planning to take out loans for the next two years of school since parents will no longer pay for it if she marries now. She got a lovely cubic zirconia engagement ring which he says he’ll replace on their anniversery. (he didn’t specify which one!)Any advice from someone who has been through this? They have sat down with them and ran numbers for insurance, tuition, apartments etc and they still do not care. My advice to them is to cut off everything they pay for her now (phone, internet, gas etc) so she can see what her life will be like in July. Unfortunately they have already paid spring semester. Any thoughts, opinions, advice would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>Perhaps a meeting with the school financial aid department will be in order. When a student marries, the rules change since s/he becomes independent. That does not mean more financial aid, many times. Sometimes when an outsider tells them what the financial score is going to be, it makes a bigger impact.</p>
<p>If they are determined to marry, my feeling is to give them the blessings. After giving them the financial facts and advice, there really is no need to get punative. It’s going to be rough enough for them… Spring semester is paid, so why let the money go to waste? I would support my kid through then, the same as if he were not married. I would also be amenable for further support with a gradual weaning. It’s not as though I want them to fail.</p>
<p>The dad called the FA office. They qualify for nothing as independents other than loans. He has the facts and numbers and they wind up with $200 a month to live on after housing. DD has zero understanding of money so she sees the numbers but doesn’t understand what they actually mean. She’s used to having everything paid forand given to her. This now means debt for her that she wouldn’t have if she waited two years. It’s just devastating to parents because the only thing they ever asked from her is to please wait till she finishes college to marry. Her mom has been saying this her whole life.</p>
<p>In my opinion, it’s a terrible idea for this young couple to marry. However, they’re adults and my opinion won’t affect them. And neither will her parents’ opinion. At this point, the parents need to consider whether it makes sense to cut off their daughter’s college money, money which, I presume, they had always budgeted for.</p>
<p>This young woman has no experience budgeting and paying bills. That doesn’t mean she can’t learn. Plenty of young couples live on meager incomes. They manage.</p>
<p>The parents also ought to think, now, about what support, if any, they’ll offer for the grandchildren that soon will be arriving. </p>
<p>The parents are now at the stage of trying to change their daughter’s mind. They probably won’t do that, so they need to start thinking about their future as inlaws and grandparents. What relationship do they want to have with this new family that’s forming?</p>
<p>Why would they pay for college is she is unmarried, but refuse to pay for college if she is married? Same kid. Do they not want her to succeed in life? :eek:</p>
<p>The mother has been telling the daughter how important it is for her to go to college and not marry young like the majority of the culture here(utah). The agreement was they would pay for college and all her expenses if she focuses on school and gets married after she graduates. Keep in mind the average age of divorce in Utah is 20!!! The parents will not allowed to be at their wedding ceremony as they are not Mormon. They can be at the reception but cannot be present during the ceremony due to the rules of their church.</p>
<p>Let me speak as someone has been there. DS1 went to college on a full ride. Met a girl three days in. She became all his world was about. I talked until I was blue in the face, and first semester came and his grades were good. As time went along it was more and more about her although he swore to me that they had both vowed to wait about having sex. Whether this was true or not, I will never know and there is nothing I could do to change it. End of year came, he had spent more time with her than studying and lost the scholarships. That was the closest I have been to a breakdown because I knew that meant struggles and student loans for the rest of his college career. We fought and caused much strife in our relationship with him (“trying to run his life”) and her (“thought she wasn’t good for him”). He was wise enough to not continue to waste anyone’s money when he didn’t have the determination follow a set curriculum. All he wanted to do was do computer programming, etc. </p>
<p>Long story short: That was four years ago. He came home for a little over a year and worked full time, she stayed for a while and then dropped to online courses. They got engaged and he got a great job with a nationally known talkshow. They got married and seem happy. They are only 22. They still have a long way to go in growing and maturing, but they have their own apartment, own cars, own furniture, own jobs and don’t ask us for anything. We are glad they are happy. However in the meantime, we have caused a permanent “scar” in the relationship with our son for doing what we thought was best for him. The marriage also began with a noted “distance” in our relationship with our DIL. All-in-all, it truely has not been worth what we ruined to try to be right. </p>
<p>Maybe he will finish college one day, but someone once told me that college isn’t for everyone.</p>
<p>My guess is that marrying at that age is pretty much the LDS norm. I wouldn’t advise it, but if they’re determined they’d be well-served to transfer to BYU (if they’re not already there) where tuition and fees for Mormons is less than $4000 a year.</p>
<p>anxiousmom, I wouldn’t pay for college, either, if my kid got married while attending. Marriage is a bigger commitment than college, a much more adult commitment, and marrying would be a signal to me that my kid felt ready to enter into true full adulthood. Adulthood does not, IMHO, include being supported by one’s parents.</p>
<p>I want my kid to succeed in life, of course, but whether he does is up to him and the decisions he makes.</p>
<p>That said, I’d be cheerful and wish them well and let them know they will have my emotional support, but financially, they would be on their own.</p>
<p>Cptofthehouse (Post 2) and Cardinal Fang (Post 4) are very wise. You have to look at the long term here. It’s clear that the marriage is going to happen, so as long as that’s the case, you have to accept it as graciously as possible. That means no sarcastic comments about how she could have had school paid for, or anything else like that.</p>
<p>I think early (and, often, unwise) marriages are due to the “waiting until marriage” business. It’s too bad they just can’t give into their hormones, have a two-month fling, and move on.</p>
<p>The second semester has been paid. If the parents really do not want to support their married daughter through college, my advice would be to at least make payment till the end of that term. </p>
<p>As one of the other posters said, the student is the same student married or not. I can see that the parents would not want to pay for another student (the husband), but I don’t see what the issue is about continuing the same payment plan for college. Getting married student housing and paying for meals, etc would be up to them. </p>
<p>I was not happy about my son moving off campus this year. However, I have continued to pay the same amount for his tuition and what I had been providing for room and board. As I suspected, those huge savings that he had forcast did not come to be, but that is not something I even mention. I send him so much a month which is prorated from the annual amount he would have gotten from us had he stayed in housing. If he can make it go farther or save some of it, that is fine with me. If he needs more, that’s his problem. If he decided to get married, I would not cut the support out from under him. He would still get his tuition payed until graduation and the same monthly amount. </p>
<p>Are the parents going to boycott the wedding and be grimfaced about all of this? Hopefully, like Owlice says, they can be cheerful and wish them well, go to the wedding, give a wedding gift. As a married couple, they will have to make post marriage plans, and if the parents feel they no longer want to pay for college, then they will have to either come up with the money themselves or quit school. </p>
<p>I think working out a transition plan is worth doing. The young couple is going to have challenges enough without making more for them. Also this is now going to be your SIL, and that relationship hopefully will be much longer than the college years. Don’t start out on the wrong foot.</p>
<p>Agree with the other posters. As frustrated as the parents are and concerned for their child’s future, starting off on the wrong foot with future SIL is a bad way to start.</p>
<p>Also, know that these things don’t always turn out badly. My good friend got married in college to the objection of her parents. They paid for her wedding (a reasonable amount) but cut off the college support, as they told her they would if she was adult enough to be married. They have now been married for 25 years and are doing quite well. They realize they should have waited to get married as it would have been much easier for them. But they did make their own way to a happy life.</p>
<p>That being said, I would do what I could to encourage the daughter to use birth control for a period of time.</p>
<p>And if the marriage is not successful, wouldn’t they want their daughter to have a college degree so she can start fresh and support herself?</p>
<p>Nurseratchet - If the daughter is a legal adult there is not much your friends can do at this point.</p>
<p>They might decide to continue to pay her tuition so long as her GPA is at a certain level. </p>
<p>They will need to investigate the annual gift tax exclusion - I think the current limit is $12,000 per year, which means the parents together can give her a maximum of $24,000 per year after she is married. Gift taxes will be due on any amount over the $24,000 as the daughter is no longer a legal tax dependent.</p>
<p>Best of luck to your friends. This is a heartbreaking situation and there is not much they can to change it. I agree with Cardinal Fang your friends need to think long and hard about the coming relationship with their future son in law. The more they push the more estranged their daughter will become and they could find themselves completely cut off from her as her future in laws welcome her with open arms. I don’t need to tell you estrangements like this can last decades and are difficult to overcome.</p>
<p>^^ The tuition is relatively cheap compared to most places so I have no doubt the D will finish school. I just think as parents we don’t want our kids to start their adult lives with difficulty. We all know how difficult this will be for them.</p>
<p>I got married after soph. yr. DH was one yr. out of sch., very responsible and had a good job. Mom was not in favor of my getting married. I got loans and a work study job and finished sch. It all worked out fine for us but DH was totally capable of supporting the both of us. It doesn’t sound like that is the case with this young couple. They may soon find that love doesn’t buy groceries.</p>
<p>My Mom was never got excited about engagement ring, invitations, dresses, flowers, china, etc. She went along with it all but was not enthusiastic/happy. I offered to elope but she wanted me to be married in the church so she paid for the wedding but her heart was never in it.</p>
<p>I didn’t let it cause a rift between us. I knew she had her reasons but will always feel sad when I think about my wedding and wish she would have shared in my joy on the happiest day of my life. I hope the young lady’s Mom doesn’t alienate her over the decision even if all signs point to failure. If that happens, the young lady will need her parents support more than ever.</p>
<p>We know a lot of families in situations that are variations on this theme. What to do if your child wants marry someone you don’t think is a good match at a time that you think is wrong? What do you do when you don’t want to support the wedding and the marriage? This is really a bigger issue than simply not wanting to continue paying for college.</p>
<p>There are also many other issues that may arise where kids do something that cause the parents to discontinue paying for college. When do you decide to withdraw this support? Some parents quit if the kids does not having a certain gpa. Some when if they don’t stick with a certain major. Some if the kid moves off campus, or takes time off. Some if the kid gets into trouble.</p>
<p>My son got himself in trouble one term. Grades were not good at all, plus he was on probation for breaking rules. I had already submitted the spring semester checks. I did consider forcing him to drop out and getting whatever refunds I could, but realized, that if he did not do it, there was little I could do. I just told him that the term would be his last if he could not meet certain standards. Yes, I was fuming all term, as I felt that I had been had, as I was. But to do anything else would have been even more trouble and upsetting to me. He did get himself back up to snuff. </p>
<p>If he had announced he was getting married, I would give him the financial realities but if he forged ahead, I would have continued the support that term. If he continued to do well in school, I would have continued with the exact amount of aid that I was giving if he had stayed single. If he quit school or started doing poorly, that would be a different story. He would get the same treatment that he would have gotten had he been single and doing poorly. Not to say that I would absolutely, positively NOT help out a bit in the marriage. That just would be a separate issue. </p>
<p>Our kids know that right now we are in tight straits because of college tuition and other issues. We would not be able to support any of their marriages financially, or come up with more college money for any spouses, And no, we would not continue giving them the same amount of money if any of them quit college. The college tuition is something that we are making every effort to pay and was something we had told them we would support. Being married means, the couple should be able to support that marriage, not expecting the parents to support it.</p>
<p>I would pay for school for a married child. Once significant others come into the picture it is even harder to concentrate on school work, as the above stories indicate.</p>
<p>I would not pay for fancy weddings, rings, etc. when I had to pay for college, but I would not stand in my child’s way.</p>
<p>As it happens, both my kids are still in college and they both are “semi-engaged.” One is a very long distance relationship and the other is a practically live in relationship because both S and GF have singles.</p>
<p>My D is determined to build her life before serious legal commitment is made. Her BF feels the same way.</p>
<p>My S and his GF never want to be apart again. It is helping him grow up to want to provide and take care of her. Although I do find this a sexist way of viewing marriage, I am grateful for anything that instils a sense of responsibility in him.</p>
<p>TNmom, Very wise words. </p>
<p>I married young with the knowledge that my parents would no longer be paying my expenses, including college. In fact, I don’t know that they ever spelled that out for me as it really just seems like common sense. We wanted to start our own life and that meant meeting our goals through our own efforts. My spouse had just graduated ROTC and was an officer in the USMC, so we did have housing and health insurance. </p>
<p>In my opinion, it really depends on the situation. My inclination is to congratulate the happy couple and cut off all finanical support with the exception of making a nice, low-key wedding and a generous wedding gift of some practical purpose. Not to be vindictive but to respect that they are truly adults now.</p>
<p>I agree with the advice not to ruin a life long relationship with children/potential spouses over timing. I would think about having a couple of sessions with a therapist to discuss objections and expectations in a neutral, controlled environment. Then, if I could afford it, I would pay for my child’s education so if the relationship doesn’t work out, my child will at least have a college degree.</p>