College stress for high school seniors -- any tips on managing it?

Parent Cafe
1

Having gone through this twice with my 2 kids, I know how stressful this time of year is for rising seniors. For my own kids, it was a combination of attending a high school where everyone is talking about getting into Ivies; the pressure to take AP classes; the stories about kids who got recruited; plus for many, financial pressure for some to land scholarships or merit aid.

My nephew is going through it now (first kid in his family applying to college) and I feel like there is nothing I can to reduce his pressure and stress. Were any of you successful in helping your teen get through this time with less stress? What do you think are the main reasons they have so much stress? Appreciate any insights.

2

I recommend that your nephew apply early to a safety school that works financially and that he likes. “Early” here means calendar-wise, and not early decision. An early acceptance will reduce the stress somewhat. A college with an admissions rate of 25% or lower should not be considered a safety school for a student with Ivy-level academics, unless there are other special qualities.

Then apply early on to another school where the applicant pool may be a bit stronger. For example, the University of Michigan for an out-of-state student fits into this category. An Ivy-qualified student who applies early in the fall from out of state will almost certainly be admitted. The same student applying in late February or March might not be admitted. UNC Chapel Hill probably fits this description as well.

Early decision is a good idea only if your nephew is certain about the college he would like to attend–and I should probably add, if he has a reasonable chance of acceptance.

You probably know that the SATs were re-centered sometime in the 1990’s, pushing the scores up. This means that the ballpark SAT scores you might know from your high school years are no longer good guides. As a very rough guide: Add 100 or 150 to the old scores and compare again. You can find actual concordance tables on line for a more exact correspondence.

I suggest that your nephew and his parents read the college web sites closely. Most of them will strike you as “blah, blah, blah.” However, occasionally there are hints about the outlook of particular admissions offices.

For an Ivy-level student who is genuinely outstanding academically and has strong EC’s, I still would not recommend applying to Stanford under their SCEA or REA program (unless your nephew is from California and/or is a recruited athlete). In my experience, students in this group are better off applying to one of the Ivies SCEA or REA. Stanford flat out turns down quite a few of the early applicants, who would almost certainly have been deferred and possibly accepted at the Ivies. Also, the Ivy-level student who is genuinely outstanding academically and has strong EC’s, but nothing in the “knock your socks off” category and no really unusual circumstances is quite likely to be deferred by Stanford, but may be accepted by an Ivy–based on my collected observations. This could vary geographically, though. And of course, I haven’t seen the essays nor the letters of recommendation for any of the students in my informal “database” of observations (as other posters are bound to object)–on the other hand, I do know the students themselves moderately well.

The existence of SCEA/REA is a mixed blessing, in my view. For the students who are accepted early, it’s wonderful. For students who are deferred or rejected, it probably adds to the stress. There are two practices that I think are good if a student is applying to a “top” school SCEA/REA: First, applications to other highly competitive schools should ideally be submitted before the SCEA/REA decision comes out. (These days, the deadlines may ensure that, but maybe not.) Second, it may be a good idea to adjust the mix of colleges in the application set, based on the “feedback” from the SCEA/REA decision. The other highly competitive schools may see the applicant quite differently from the first, but filling out the application set from the middle at that point is probably a good strategy–i.e, insert some schools between the true safeties and the top of the list.

Hope this is helpful.

3

All good advice. From a more philosophical standpoint, don’t pay too much attention to what others are chattering about at this point. Hardly anyone has gotten in anywhere. When the thin envelopes and flimsy financial aid packages come rolling in, the conversation changes. Help your nephew to find places that will be best for him.

4

Thanks – I will relay this info – appreciate it. I tried to make a similar suggestion but it’s really good to have another parent second this advice.

5

I completely agree with the idea of trying to get an early acceptance or two to a school if possible. That was the single best stress reliever in my house.

A second thing you can do is to remind your nephew that there are many many amazing colleges and universities out there where he can get a great education, have a wonderful overall experience, and get where he wants to go in life. His focus should be on finding a good fit college that is affordable rather then getting caught up in all the chatter/stress at school.

6

We faced the same thing last year, and I think we had a pretty good plan except for one thing we did not count on. We knew early on there would be stress involved, so we took several steps to head that off:

  1. We started early (junior year HS) and encouraged him to come up with a reach, match, safety list of schools any of which he would be be happy to attend.
  2. We visited several on his list (reach, match, and safety) to finalize his priority order.
  3. We discussed the pros/cons of EA/ED/SCEA and left that decision up to him. He opted to apply early to his #1 knowing that if he was not accepted (or deferred) that he would need to accept that.
  4. We helped him plan out all the essays he would need to write (common app and supplemental) with the goal of having them complete over the summer.

All of this early planning and work helped because he felt more in control and he had the time needed to get the work done. The last thing you want is time pressure. In the end he had all his applications completed by Sept.

In the end, he was accepted to a highly selective university and there was no more stress. Right? Wrong. A few days before leaving to his school he came up to me and said “I’m not breathing very well”. He had asthma as a young child but had not had an episode over 8 years. We rushed him to a pulmonologist, and sure enough oxygen level low - stress induced asthma. She treated him, we sent him off to school and since acclimating himself at school he has not had any problems (even during finals).

So, my suggestions to reduce stress: acknowledge that there will be stress, plan early to take time pressure out of the picture, understand the pros/cons or applying EA/ED etc, and know that the potential for stress extends beyond the acceptance letter.

7

Adding on to the safety discussion. Make sure the safeties are true safeties…the student is assured admission, the family can afford the cost, and the student would be happy to attend there. So many sad posts on CC where the kids spent far too much energy on reaches and not nearly enough time finding a true safety, then when they’re rejected from the reaches and can’t afford the matches they’re miserable because they “have to” attend the safety that they really don’t like. Some students and families get so caught up in chasing prestige that they come to believe the student will surely get in somewhere “great” and not end up at “lowly” State U or Lower-Level Private. So the students throw in a couple of applications to schools where they know they’ll get in but they fail to spend enough time finding such a school they know they’ll be happy to attend. Having one or two true safeties can make a huge difference in stress because students are assured that no matter what happens with reaches or matches, they will definitely get to go to a college that they can afford and will enjoy attending.

8

A few things to do to help reduce stress would be to get a start on the common app, the common app essay and supplemental essays over the summer. Those take time, and it can be stressful trying to get those done at the same time you are trying to keep senior year grades up. And if your nephew does a fall sport, he will have even less time. He should be prepared with a good working draft of his essay by the time school starts, and he should set up an appointment with his guidance counselor as early as possible to review the essay, his list etc. A lot of the stress comes from having too much on your plate, so getting stuff done now or early in the semester can be very helpful

9

Another recommendation: Neither he nor his parents should discuss with friends and acquaintances where he is applying. Just keep it in the family. It’s stressful enough without having to share some bad news with other people.

10

All good advice. I’d forgotten VeryHappy’s advice (keep your list to yourself). I’ll remind my sister. And getting in somewhere is excellent, but only if they could actually be happy there.

11

One thing that makes matters worse is that a lot of kids will be talking about Ivy’s and top LACs and equivalent, and even kids who don’t want to go to an Ivy will find it hard to avoid the hype. My younger daughter applied to schools with rolling admission, and got in very quickly which helped some. However, I don’t think that there is any way to get around the fact that senior year of high school will be stressful.

The school that my youngest will be going to did something that I thought was very helpful: They had an orientation event for incoming students very close to the same time that my daughter was graduating from high school. This meant the obvious downer of “school just ended what do I do now” was offset by the excitement of getting to see next year’s school and meeting other incoming students and seeing her dorm and talking to professors. It was a very welcoming and exciting event, and the professors that we talked to were smart and engaged and very helpful. My daughter came home from this with a big smile and a much more upbeat attitude than I think she would have had otherwise. It was well worth the two round trip airplane tickets and two days in a B&B for the two of us.

12

One of my daughters was VERY stressed out. We, the parents, were not. I can only guess it was due to her personality, and whatever narrative was going on at school – primarily with her peers.

We had a therapist in place for her and that seemed to help. There was a lot she could not, or would not, share with us. We were relieved she was at least willing to talk to a therapist, instead of having only a bunch of other 18 yo’s as a sounding board.

13

Not to repeat all the good advice thus far, focus on fit instead of prestige. Tell nephew to just focus on doing his best, and let the chips fall where they may. Control what you can and give the others up. Try to enjoy senior year. All work and no play makes…you know the rest. Focus on being grateful, and knowing you did your best is the best reward, no regrets. Agree to get a jump on those essays, and be happy when someone else gets into their top choice in the early round, and have faith that you/he will end up somewhere good as well.