College student doesn’t want to come home for summer

Parent Cafe
21

This part doesn’t make much sense to me.

Way back when I was in college-- I never returned home over the summers – so I really didn’t expect to see much of my own kids after they went off to colleges on the opposite coast. My son did come home for the first two summers, but it was unproductive time – he pretty much took up space on the livingroom couch. My daughter was more adventurous - she found great internships & spent two summers abroad.

But nothing I chose to do changed the financial understanding I had with my parents way back when – and nothing my kids chose changed my financial understanding with them. I knew what my budget was and my kids knew what they could expect from me. I wouldn’t have increased my parental school-year contribution to compensate for under-employment during the summer, nor would I have reduced my contribution due to a kid earning more than anticipated.

I think your question is mostly about the emotions you are feeling with your son’s choice — and that’s what most of the other parents on this thread are rightfully responding to – but I think whatever choice your son makes, the financial consequences should be his own responsibility. That’s part of the package of making decisions as an adult.

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22

I have a homebody, but once she hit campus we haven’t heard much from her. I know I should take it as a job well done, but this empty nest thing is real. I still miss her terribly, but the alternative was her being too dependent on us emotionally and socially, or worse me being dependent on her. I’m trying to encourage her to find a job away from home to keep her in a social environment. We live in a retirement/vacation town, so most who live here permanently are 65+, not great for a college kid. She did research last summer, but because of covid it was all remote from home. She could’ve done research again this summer, but it’s still virtual from home. I don’t want her to spend another summer working in this house. At this point I just want her to be with people her age. Growing up in the NE, many college kids lived and worked on the jersey or MD shores for the summer. We saw our parents when they came to the beach for a weekend.
We did make it clear that her job needs to cover her living/personal expenses and hopefully more. She banked all her money from past jobs, so she has enough to cover personal expenses for the next couple years of college. I personally wouldn’t contribute extra money during the school year; maybe he can also get a side hustle job over the summer to bank enough to cover expenses for the upcoming school year?

23

If it helps - I have a better relationship w/son who now lives 12 hours away (in his late 20s). It really forces home the fact that son is capable, independent, self-reliant. That respect (from my side) I think comes through and enhances our relationship. What advice do I have to give? He’s doing awesome on his own.

Best of luck to you!!

24

I stayed up at college one Summer and worked there as well. My parents didn’t seem too upset by it, but as the first of 3 kids, I am sure my mom was a bit sad by it as well. What I will say is that after college, I came back to work in the same state my parents were in, and as my wife and I had our first child, we moved even closer to my parents for the help.

This was all 20-24 years ago, and today, I have my own in college, and I live 10 minutes from my parents. We visit often, I eat lunch with them, and so forth. One of the reasons I love them as much as I do is because they were always understanding, and always tried to help me.

There is 100% a period in the life of a young male where they want to be away, independent, and I think that is the 17-25 range where it peaks. No promises, some sons move to the opposite coast and you barely hear from them, just the way they were built. But the most important thing parents can offer their kids, in my opinion, is support and to always have them know you can help them (emotionally, maybe financially). I think it’s important to be the parent when they are younger, and then you shift to the “friend” as they become adults.

Of all the bad parent/child relationships I know of, the parent tends to want to be the parent even when the child is an adult (the mom or dad who tries to force their views, push the kid to do certain things, judge them, scold them, etc).

His independence will likely be a strength for his life. Some of the kids that come back home to always live with mom and dad are less likely to thrive on their own. It’s a blessing and a curse.

Sorry to hear you are going through it, hope this helps

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25

@melb004 i don’t have anything constructive to offer, just want to say I would feel the same way. Happy for your son, but missing having him home. I have a lump in my throat reading through the comments of all the kids who leave for college and never really live at home again. I know it’s what is supposed to happen, but I will miss her so!

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26

I would tell him to get home or else! LOL

27

Maybe my perspective is different. I spent one summer at home in college and vowed to never go back. And I didn’t. I loved (still do!) my parents but they couldn’t let me go–they kept me in the child role and I was trying to become independent of them. It took a lot to break free and become my own person. I never expected my kids to hang around (since I certainly didn’t) and totally understood that they need to carve out their own universe that does not include me.
They’ll return to you–but then as adults. It’s a new relationship and honestly more fun and satisfying in many ways. That’s when you know you not only raised great kids but great people in their own right.

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