Hi sorry this is long and thank you for reading. My son is a college sophomore and been looking for an internship this summer. He has a good offer here in hometown but not exactly aligned to career path but very close. Then he also has a more “fun” option at a resort were he’d maybe get to spin the experience a little more closely to his career path. However they pay much Less and he’d have to pay a small amount for housing and pay for all his meals. He wants to take the “fun” option because he’d also be closer to new girlfriend for the summer and he also hasn’t maintained many HS friendships here at home. So I guess coming home isn’t as attractive anymore. Needless to say, I’m so sad at the fact that he isn’t wanting to be home over the summer. Feeling like a not so great mom right now. I know this isn’t about me but it’s hard not to wonder why your kid doesn’t want to be home and have a little downtime this summer. I know he’s an “adult” and he can make his own choices but in addition to missing him terribly we are concerned at the less money he will make doing the “fun” job vs living at home for free and making more money. If he takes the fun far away job mom and dad will end up needing to give him more money next year for school because he won’t make as much over the summer.
Would love advice. Do these 20 somethings ever come back to wanting to be home for a visit? I feel like he’s pulled away so much and hoping it’s part of the “process” of growing up but they’ll figure out how to appreciate home and come back around to breaks and visits when this phase passes. I’m kind of heartbroken that he doesn’t “miss” home and siblings etc. I’m envious of my friends who will have their kids home. Has anyone dealt with this? Please be kind, so many times the comments can be like “he’s an adult he can do what he wants” and I get it but really just looking for moms who have been in my shoes and get the difficulty of all this. I guess I always thought I’d have the summers with him through college. Thanks in advance
First off, sending big hugs. I miss my kid terribly too.
She’s a junior in college. She also hasn’t been home for a summer since she left for college, not once. We have a great relationship so I didn’t take it personally and we were mentally prepared for it to happen. I myself only went home after freshman year because I didn’t have another option.
I will say that in your situation I would not bridge the spending money gap during the school year. I’d make it clear that your son needs to be self supporting with spending money.
Again, I empathize!
Of course you’ll miss him. If you think about it, however, he is doing just what is best for him and isn’t that what we want our kids to do? My kids never came home for any of their summers in college. They worked or interned away from home in their respective fields every summer, which truly was ideal for THEM. We did not support them financially in summers, however. So they either had to earn enough to break even or earn on top of that. I am really happy that they had such fruitful summers, as well as built their resumes, and independence. My kids have never lived at home from the day they started college. They did come home for holidays and visits. Now, they are grown up in their professions and have always lived in different states (or even countries) from the one in which they grew up Now, my two kids are settled in the same city as one another. Three years ago, I moved to their city and so can see them whenever I want. 
We all miss our kids and they generall don’t miss us as much, understandably at their age. However, if I were in your shoes, I’d prioritize his career opportunities first and do the best to support him. If it creates too much a financial burden for you, I’d let him know that he have to figure out a way to make up the difference if he chooses that path.
You’ve raised an independent young man who is carving his own path. You should be proud of yourself and him! I have two daughters who made similar decisions, and while it broke my heart for them not to be around, it was a part of letting go and letting them ease into adulthood and making choices and handling consequences. We call it “adulting” around here! He is going to make mistakes and sometimes regrettable decisions, and you’ll be there for him. Rest assured, there will still be times that he will want to come home and be with his family, it’s just going to have to be on his terms now! Hope you can take solace in the fact that it’s a part of growing up, and he’s on the right track!
Big hugs to you. My oldest only came home the summer after her freshman year then opted to live and work in her college town. It hurt and I missed her terribly. After some reflection, I realized my child wasn’t rejecting me and was becoming the independent young adult I’d hoped she would be. She lives nearby and our relationship is better than ever. If you give your child this time to grow and explore the world, without making him feel guilty or judged, then your relationship will be stronger.
I get it! I have one who’s going to do an internship in Israel this summer partially hybrid and then as soon as it ends wants to go back to school. But, it’s mainly been because when she’s been here the last year everything has been so restrictive. We’re very covid safe so my kids really haven’t been able to see their friends. When they were home for 2 months during winter break they only were allowed to see friends outside (we live in Chicago!!) or the ones who had antibodies. That wasn’t at all fun for them.
We love going on family vacations however, and no matter where they live after college whether here or some other city, we will definitely be visiting and seeing one another regularly.
You should be proud that you brought up a son who is independent and willing to take risks. Going away for the summer doesn’t mean forever and he’s working for his career not to just have a job to have a job. You should be patting yourself on the back! Hugs!
Due to covid, my upcoming sophomore couldn’t find a job here (very restrictive) so she ended up at a dockside restaurant staying at her best friend’s lake house, with jet skis, paddle boards, kayaks, spending her summer with college students from all over. I missed her, but was happy for her (I still had her 17 year old siblings at home, and a bonus 22 year old who came home to lease office space with his HS friends to work remotely, he had an apartment over an hour away but since he graduated, no one was around for the summer). This summer, she will try to find an internship/job related to her major, since she has a lease two hours from here at college, she has more options. This is the plan, once they leave freshman year, they really are never back, it’s heartbreaking, but it means a parenting job well done.
This. Focus on this. 
If you are going to talk to him about coming home for the summer, I’d approach it from this direction. If it was agreed upon before going to college that he would work summers to help with expenses, then this is a legitimate concern.
We give them roots so that they can have wings. I have two children who are older than your S. My D basically left home when she started college. She is now in her 30’s, and she is independent in every way. My S was more comfortable coming home. It took him a lot longer to be independent. They were born with different personalities. It wasn’t being away from home that made them different … they made different choices because they were different. I say let him do what makes him happy.
My son did his study abroad that summer and also did his internship in Israel… Back to Back. We saw him for 3 weeks the entire summer. It’s normal… To feel the way you do. Let him figure out his own path. You know the GF being close is the reason regardless what he tells you. With the year that we had any small wins are good.
“because he’d also be closer to new girlfriend for the summer”
You’ve given him confidence.
Home will always be wherever you are. Our children know that they can always come home to the nest.
It’s not a slight to you or your family.
I encouraged our kids to take every opportunity to explore the world, and they literally did!
It’s a time when they don’t have mortgage payments, car repairs, sick children, etc. They need this time to learn what it is to become a full-fledged adult.
Plus, it’s a VERY good lesson in learning how to budget. By living on his “own”, he will figure out that the way he uses his money will matter. They learn to cook, clean, and “house” on a very limited budget because having a girlfriend will dry up his funds FAST.
They always come home and, no, it won’t be the same. They do come home and they begin to get it. It’s a phenomenal thing to see your kids as successful adults.
Big hugs! I get it. My son hasn’t spent a summer at home since he was a Freshman. Technically that year the job was here but was 90% travel to other states so we never really saw him. Every other summer he has had jobs in other states and this summer a job at his college. I miss him so much but he is independent! He is making good decisions and is moving forward in his career. Know you raised your son right. He may or may not want to spend more time with you in the future. I’m pretty sure the most I’ll see mine is a week here or there. He is just too busy developing his own life. It hurts but we know they are moving forward.
I’m with you, also with a college sophomore who had to have field experience this summer and had a local option that pays more and a live-away option that pays less. Guess where she’s going…
She is familiar with the boss at the local one and it would be okay but not 100% what she wants to do. The other one is more like where she would want to be as a career and doing this will put her on their radar for sure and maybe lead to a job after graduation.
So I think it is worth it and I’m hoping she can get a job at school next fall. She made enough last summer to carry her through this school year. This summer won’t be nearly as profitable as last, but that job was hard on her mental health. (And the local one would be nearly the same thing but with a slightly better boss.) It’s time for a more enjoyable summer.
And then, boom, they’re home again for nine months unexpectedly! I just take each visit as a bonus. I never expected to see my daughter much once she graduated last year, but due to circumstances, after moving to an apartment after her long stay with us, she still comes over once or twice a week. You never know what’s going to happen.
Our DD only came home the summer after freshman year. After that she stayed in her college town working.
After graduation, she was here for a few months and then went into the Peace Corps which was VERY far away.
But after PC she lived here for almost three years before enrolling in professional school also far away…and no summers off.
But now…she lives about an hour away.
They learn to come and go…and isn’t that what we want them to do?
Can you afford to make up what he’d lose if he takes the job more closely aligned with his career goals? If not, you’ll have to tell him no. If you can afford it then why not let him decide? It’s a privilege to be able to choose the job that’s closer to his career path. Many students have to follow the money.
When we dropped DS off freshman year, we were prepared for it to be hard because everyone had warned us. But nobody told us that it’d be so hard to say good-bye each and every time after that, and it was because I came to realize he was spinning further and further out of our orbit each time.
He came home for a local internship after freshman year, and that was the last summer we spent together. I kept reassuring myself that we’d raised him to be independent and that he was succeeding on that front. But it didn’t make me miss him any less!
He has now graduated and does not live nearby. But amazingly, we are probably closer than we’ve ever been. We have a relationship between adults. He knows we care immensely and will always have his back. And he doesn’t have to fight for his independence from us (and even asks us for advice!)
This is the heartbreaking side of parenting well. Remember that he doesn’t love you less and will appreciate that you are seeing him as he sees himself-- as a young adult.
Sending hugs…