One of my very dear friends is very close to her daughters; in my mind, too close. It got me to wondering how many other parents are best friends with their child and if this family is too close, or at the very least, not in a healthy relationship.
Youngest daughter is a college senior; she reports home to mom almost daily. When I say report, I mean details including her interest in a guy, interest in having sex, and then the details of what happened at a party and if she went home with the guy. The mother actually called me the morning after her daughter first had sex! We had dinner together this week and I was given a blow by blow report of her daughters week, most involving the guy she is sort of dating.
I feel like my friend lives through her daughters activities, not just the sexual ones. She is a great mom, who I believe gives her daughters well though out advice. That said, I find it interesting that both girls share so much with their mom. The oldest has never dated, so her relationship with her mother is a bit different, but she still shares all with her mother.
My son use to give my daughter grief as she would tell me things in high school about others in her grade. She felt comfortable enough to share some things with me, but never did I hear about her her interest in sex. Now as an adult on the verge of marriage, we have had some heavy conversations that I was happy to be a part of, but I enjoy my role as mother, not best friend.
Also, how do I best tell my friend I no longer want to hear the day by day event? We usually share with each other what are kids as well as our parents are doing; this is just part of our catch up with each other. I think she will be hurt I don’t want to hear about the youngest; you really have to know her to understand that.
I’ll go first. I’ve had some frank conversations with my high school D when she began friendships with and dating boys. Each time, I asked her if she had any questions and assured her that I would always be very, very honest with her and she should feel comfortable being honest with me, especially if she was unsure about something. That is different from a detailed description of things, which is not necessary for those mother-daughter talks, as I’m sure you know. Your friend’s practice verges on voyeurism.
I would tell her that you are happy that her D is happy in a relationship (etc.) but that you feel uncomfortable knowing too much detail about the goings-on because those details are private, and you would never want to feel like you are invading this D’s privacy by knowing things she might not intend for outside consumption. Then, ask about what this D is doing at school, job, etc. and change the subject?
I don’t feel in a position to judge someone’s relationship dynamics with their kids if the parents and kids seem fine wit it. Sometimes kids need to be close to mom or dad, and sometimes they may prefer or need more distance. It’s a process, and just like all growth, I think independence happens in its own time. I don’t think the fact that this daughter shares personal things with her mom is necessarily unhealthy.
What I do find strange is that your friend would share her daughter’s confidences with you, or anyone other than her spouse. Does the daughter know that she is telling all of this to you? I think if I wanted to stop this friend’s “sharing,” I would tell her that you don’t feel comfortable hearing about personal things about her daughter’s relationships that her daughter probably wouldn’t want to be shared. It might hurt the mom’s feelings, but I think maybe the mom needs to hear this.
All I know is that if my D suspected that I had shared details of her private life with a friend of mine, she would be mortified and it would be difficult for for me to regain her complete trust and comfort. Now, I have occasionally asked for advice or feedback from other mothers, but it’s always been based on very general sharing.
Perhaps it’s just a difference in personality, but you should only do what you feel is comfortable and the extent of what you want to know is just as important as the extent of what you want to share.
Different people have different levels of comfort. I, personally, would not feel weird if my mom shared intimate details about me with her friends (she wouldn’t though).
What is important is how comfortable you are with this- not anything about the college student and her relationship with her mother. I think moonchild has excellent advice.
I’d still be honest with this friend and say TMI about intimate details of relationships and cheerfully switch to subjects student is studying, upcoming plans, etc.
I’m with HImom, I would just say “TMI”, but say you enjoy hearing news about her children, just not the gory details.
I wouldn’t address your friend’s relationship with her children at all. If they’re fine with their relationship as it stands, well, that’s their business.
My own D is chatty and she tells me a lot. But she knows that she can trust me not to reveal very personal information to others. You might want to point out that her D might not be comfortable telling her things if she knows what she says is being passed on.
I vote for just saying “TMI” and leave it at that. No need to bring into question whether or not the daughter would approve of Mom’s sharing. That opens up a whole other conversation topic, and what if Mom comes back and says it is okay with D that I share all this with you? When you say “TMI” it makes it an issue with YOU, not the Mom. You are uncomfortable with the details. You avoid potential negative comments about the other people involved.
Short and sweet, TMI, and change subject to school/travel/work, etc.
I agree with those who say to just say TMI and move on. No need to say anything that passes judgment on the friend and her dd.
I have two sons. One doesn’t tell me much of anything; the other tells me more than I want to know sometimes. I think I have a healthy relationship with both.
Sometimes I get that feeling when a mom tells me her D “tells her everything.” You know, “look how CLOSE we are!” Sometimes it seems it is true, and other times I just roll my eyes when I realize that I know some things which would indicate that her D actually does not tell her “everything.” But the thing is, that’s not a bad thing to have some boundaries about intimate details of one’s life.
And really, how many of US actually told our mothers “everything”? I’m thinking not many. I tended to be quite private, but not only because I didn’t want to share certain details about MY life. If I share very intimate details about my relationship with, say my DH, I’ve basically included him in sharing personal details of HIS life. Without his permission to do so, I have really betrayed him and our relationship. It’s not only MY information that’s being shared.
Well, I hope D’s future husband doesn’t mind that MIL has all the gory details. A future catastrophe in the making. There are just some things parents don’t need to know unless real medical or emotional advice is required. And certainly mom’s friends don’t need to know (unless the same criteria apply.)
In our family, it is mostly when something does not go well that our child may let us know more about it. When everything is fine, we are mostly left in the dark.
No news tends to be a good news in my family. We have recently received calls from our child once every other week. And the call was most likely short. So I assume it is the case of “no news = good news” at this moment.
DS has been dating as far as we know. He has always been close to my wife (Being a SAHM does count for something after so many years.)
Somehow my wife intuitively believes that this relationship (9 months by now?) may last, even though she does not know much details. Maybe just “mom’s intuition”? She said if both sides care about their relationship, most likely it will last.
My D occasionally tries to share info that I consider too personal, and I’ll remind her that I’m her mother, not her friend. She’ll complain that her friend A shares the most intimate matters with her mother, and my response is that she should ask if A’s mother will adopt her, because this (repressed?) New Englander is too old to change.