College tours with reluctant student. Am I pushing too hard?

Parents Forum
1

S is a junior and a very average student (not CC average, I mean truly average). We recently talked about the types of schools that are realistic based on his expected stats, his academic interests, and what we’re willing to pay for college. He likes two schools that he visited when we were looking for his sister, but I had to break it to him that he has little to no chance to get into them. He’d be happy at Temple (he thinks) but this will likely be a high match for him, so I am looking for safeties and more matches. He has been at several in-state public directionals for school or athletic events but hasn’t formally visited. So far he isn’t interested in those, but there are others to visit (we are in PA).

There are some smaller Catholic colleges in NY (5-6 hours away) that may be matches and that fit within our budget. I suggested to him that we visit 2 or 3 over a weekend this month so that he can see how they differ from the state schools. He has no interest at all in going. My H thinks I am jumping the gun and there’s plenty of time to visit in the spring or summer. However, S plays baseball and will be going full-tilt from March until August, plus a summer job, so time will be limited. Presidents Day weekend might be an option but the weather may preclude travel.

So do I force him to visit now, even though he doesn’t want to? I have no problem insisting (I am the parent, after all!) but I don’t want to risk having him hate these schools–and not want to even consider them later–simply because he’s uninterested right now. I am kind of controlling and his dad is very easygoing so outside perspective is welcome.

2

Good question - my daughter is a dancer and her free time is extremely constrained. You will have to work within his schedule, even if there is some resistance.

Would Spring Break be an option, assuming it doesn’t coincide with Spring Break of target colleges?

Could you bribe him with a trip to the Baseball Hall of Fame? Don’t know if your travels will take you near Cooperstown or not?

3

I’d force one or two. We started rather late, and when we took one official tour (other college visits had been ‘drive bys’ without talking to admissions or taking a formal tour), my kids actually liked the process. I wished we’d done the formal visits sooner.

Even if the first school is Temple and a reach, he’ll get a better sense of the process. Is he interested in playing baseball in college? Getting a meeting with a coach or another player may make the day tolerable.

4

I have a very average kid, as well. He is a senior this year, and the best thing I ever did was push him to visit a few schools - practically kicking and screaming - because what it turns out he really likes and what is most important to him are things that wouldn’t have been evident without visits. He would have had a totally different list and at decision time we would have probably been left without options that encompassed the things he really wants/needs.

5

I had a very reluctant kid last year at this time - she did not want to look into college options at all.

She’s a senior now and already applied, and been admitted to, three schools - two are tied for her top choice.

Both of them are schools that I would never have thought she would have preferred over the other 6 we visited.

I only arranged for her to visit them both, because they were near other schools that I thought suited her well and she’d like. And I was sure she’d be admitted to both and they’d be a safety-match.

Well, she loved these two schools and didn’t even bother applying to the others we visited.

They are both mid-sized public schools and it seems that’s what she prefers… But we never would have discovered that if we hadn’t nudged her to do a few visits last spring and this past summer.

So, for that reason, I highly encourage the visits, even if your S feels he’s not ready yet - senior year will be here before he knows it, and it will be easier to decide where to apply next fall if he’s visited already and has some clear preferences.

6

You can assure your son that once he’s seen a safety school which he likes - he can get admitted and you can afford it- that you won’t push additional visits. But until you’ve got a safety on the list, letting it go until he’s engaged doesn’t leave a lot of time in case nothing clicks with him…

7

Many colleges have Open House events this time of the year. Temple probably has one. Perhaps some of the directionals nearby do too. Try visiting those first - that way you are not in a small tour having to walk with an eye-rolling , bored looking teen . As his peers start the process, he may feel more invested and you can visit the smaller colleges then.

8

It is a lot better to go when school is in session. He should try to get all testing (leave time for a couple of attempts) and visiting done by May if possible. His senior fall will be MUCH less stressful if he does this. It is so much easier to have a pretty solid list of where you are applying by then. I’d lay it out that way, with a calendar in hand, and ask when he would like to visit with the May deadline in mind. You might remind him that no one is asking him to decide now. But looking at options takes some pressure off in the fall. Applying early in the admissions cycle (EA, or early if the school has rolling admissions) can improve his chances of getting in, too. So knowing where you are applying by fall is helpful.

I don’t know what to say to your wife, except that likely this is a $100,000+ expenditure for your family, so a late, rushed search isn’t a good idea. Getting her to agree with that might be a good idea… she may be able to help bring him around.

9

I have several thoughts on this. First, from experience, it is helpful to go see schools even with reluctant kids. A few years ago I recommended a school to a friend, who then took her son to see that school. He didn’t want to go. He was in a foul mood the whole way there. He was in a foul mood when they arrived. He was in a foul mood as they walked onto campus. But at one point, he stopped and looked around, and said, “Wow, this IS nice!”

This kid is now attending that school. My friend has told and retold me that story because she is thrilled.

My own experience is a bit different. My girls were OK with college trips. My oldest picked out schools she thought she’d like. Then we had to go see other schools in the area, to make the most of our travel money. She never liked or applied to the ones she picked out, but applied to the other schools. She wanted to go see the University of Chicago, but hated it after the visit and didn’t apply. But we also saw Notre Dame and Northwestern which she didn’t particularly want to visit. She loved both from the visit and those schools ended up being the final two.

My best advice is to make the trip fun. After all, traveling together IS fun. When we’ve gone on school trips we eat at interesting restaurants, we’ve gone horseback riding, or on hikes, or exploring the town, and other activities. I think the trip is worthwhile, even if your S doesn’t like any of the schools. It will help form the picture of where he does belong.

10

My daughter was reluctant as well. We made her go. I also informed her of the cost issue and that I expected her to participate. Turns out, she was really nervous about the process. Once she saw a few places she liked, she got excited and involved in the process.

11

Thanks for the replies! I am so relieved to hear that my kid is not the only one with zero interest in visiting schools.

I forgot to mention: I LOVED touring colleges with our D (she was interested, too, which made it easy). Even if the school was a terrible fit, I considered the time spent worthwhile. I don’t expect him to love the process but I do expect him to be polite during the visits (he can complain in the car all he wants as I will tune him out/turn the radio up).

I am encouraged by how many of your kids ended up enjoying themselves and getting useful info about what they wanted. Replying to some points made above:

@mamaedefamilia Spring Break won’t work as baseball season has started by then (even though school is closed, there are games and mandatory practices). I like the Cooperstown idea! It won’t work with the schools I have in mind for this month, but I just checked a map and we might be able to incorporate it if/when we visit Siena.

@twoinanddone A year ago I thought he might have a shot at college baseball (although of course he is aware that it is extremely competitive); but he had a significant injury this past spring and we just don’t know how he’ll bounce back in 2016. So I’m downplaying the baseball angle with him for now.

@zoosermom That is exactly what I am hoping for:

I don’t really care if these actual schools fit him, I just hope to broaden his options so we know what to focus on.

@BeeDAre Good point about how the afterthoughts might end up being the best fits. I will keep that in mind and broaden my own research.

@blossom That is a promise I would make IF I didn’t think he’d say after School #1, “Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll go there,” just to stop the search process (sadly, I am only kidding a little bit).

@mathprof63 You’re right about the timing; in fact, that’s why I’m pushing to see some schools now. I don’t want to pull him out of school on a weekday, but we could tour 2 schools on Saturday and a third on Sunday (not usually available but this would be an open house), which would help justify the lengthy drive.

@intparent S is taking the SAT this weekend and is registered again for January (last chance before the format changes). He prepped on his own to get acquainted with the test, and I thought I could coach him; but so as to preserve our relationship, he is now enrolled in an SAT prep class. Also, I guess my photo (Creed from The Office) made you think I was male; but no, I’m the mom, and it’s my husband who thinks I’m moving too fast. He’s one of those “Everything will work out fine,” kind of guys (and it usually does) which is usually a good contrast to me. I think I need to put together a calendar for both of them so they will understand my concern about a time crunch.

@Ruby789 Re your friends’ son experience, my immediate thought was: From your lips to God’s ears!

@BearHouse Yes, nervousness may be an issue. I think he was surprised and disappointed that his grades will keep him out of some schools that he thought he could get into. That’s why I want him to see that while some options are closed to him, there are many, many schools that he CAN get into, and that he’s lucky to have that opportunity.

12

For all of the reasons you summarize above, I’m in the “make him go” camp.

My kid stated that he thought he had seen enough after 9 schools. (Not all on the same trip and over a few years.) He hadn’t seen a single actual safety, but I agreed, as long as he applied to one.

I agree that your S needs to see a couple schools he can be confident about getting into. Then he’ll probably feel better about the whole thing.

13

How about some catholic colleges in PA? Are the ones in NY cheaper?

Do you think you might qualify for federal or state grants? We don’t qualify for Pell, but a state grant so it is worth it for us to stay instate.

What are his interests? Possible career?

14

A year ago, I was in a similar situation as the OP. My reluctant student didn’t want to talk about college, much less visit one. I ended up picking two colleges to visit, within two hours from our home, that were matches, and that had majors and activities that were of interest to my child (we did this during our spring break, and fortunately, the colleges were in session at that time).These visits proved to be very productive; we liked one if the schools, and knew almost immediately that the other school didn’t appeal to my child (but we stayed for the tour, just to be certain). This experience gave us an idea of what to look for in the college search. After that visit, my child took more interest in the process, did research, and identified top choices. We continued to attend open house weekends in the spring, and toured a few more campuses this summer. We did another open house last month, and will do one or two more tours in the next month. I’m glad that we didn’t wait any longer than we did; doing so would have added unnecessary stress during an already hectic time. So, I would suggest to the OP that she go ahead and schedule a couple visits to colleges that are matches, and that have something that she thinks would appeal to her son. Stay within 2 hours from home, if possible, that way if it doesn’t go well, at least you didn’t spend too much money or time in this effort. Best of luck, OP, and enjoy your time with your son!

15

LuckyCharms, we are in New York and looked at some Catholic Schools in New York and Connecticut, but the preferred schools are in Pennsylvania, so there may be some overlap in your potential visit list and my son’s ultimate list. We also had daughters first who were involved, engaged and interested. But my son is a boy and cares about not much other than his next meal, his next nap and his fantasy sports leagues. He had initially told me that I should just pick whatever had his major and he would apply because he just didn’t care. I’m old and tired and have visited a score of colleges with the girls, so I almost did that, but felt guilty, so I dragged him. Good thing because if he had applied on what I thought he wanted I would have been completely and utterly wrong. When we went to the first school that he really liked, I told him that it was the opposite of what I had thought he wanted and from them on he actually did engage himself in visits in ways I never would have expected, offering insightful opinions, too. Ultimately, he is allowed 8 applications by his school, and the first four are schools he is very, very happy with and we have one local school in case he decides at the last minute he wants to stay home. That leaves three choices, of which one is a solid financial and academic safety and one that is a good fit but is slightly off the path in distance. No real reaches. That leaves one spot on the list for something and I am making myself crazy about it, but he is very happy with those top four choices and I can live with all of them. Wishing the same for you!

16

I’ll just say that Junior year goes REALLY fast. We did a couple in the fall, a few around some other long weekend, and the “big trip” spring break, when everybody and their brother and grandmother and uncle does it. I would encourage you to try to squeeze in some this fall.

17

Definitely visit schools. Its difficult to schedule for all parties and time flies. Until they physically step foot on campus I think they really dont have a clue. During the process my d never fell in love with a school. However, she did show strong dislike and patterns emerged. We dragged her against her will to various colleges. I have to admit there were occasions where we split in the middle if the tour. However, on the road trips we made a point to have fun along the way. And yes the last college she visited her senior year with us pleading is where she is attending now.

18

Perhaps your son if he is attracted to Temple in urban Philadephia, has little interested in a catholic school in upstate New York?

19

I agree with you on moving forward. The reality is this is a huge decision and your son needs all the information and help you can provide to even determine a list of schools. My son was originally in love with the idea of going to UIUC a great school an hour from home - and didn’t even want to visit - He thought it was a done deal. After pushing - just like you want to do - he found he didn’t like the atmosphere or the program as much he thought he would. He would up taking that school entirely off his list!

In addition - your son needs to see the schools and how he would fit in order to write the essay many of them require as part of the admissions process. This is where you want all your college touring done before the end of junior year so you can spend the summer working on essay and finalizing school choices. This also gives you time to work on taking the SAT/ACT again if you are close to scholarship levels. My son took the ACT again and wound up getting more scholarship offers.

Trust your instincts! Best of luck on your search!

20

We had a similar situation with my S and we did a few visits in the fall and a few more in the spring. I think for kids who aren’t terribly enthused about the process, it helps to break it the college visits up into smaller groupings rather than do one week or ten day long college road-trip (which we did with my much more enthusiastic D). Try to make the visits fun with a dinners out, maybe an afternoon doing a non-college hunting activity etc. And even with my S’s lack of excitement about the process, after a few visits to different types of schools we were definitely able to hone in on what he wanted in a college in terms of size/location etc. which was a huge help when choosing what schools he wanted to focus on for his applications.