College Visit-Uncomfortable w/ Activities

Parents Forum
1

<p>My daughter recently had an overnight visit at her first choice school. It is a small LAC with a very intellectual, yet offbeat, reputation. Her visit included the following–meals in Commons, interview, attend 2 classes. D LOVES this school even more after her visit (her 4th time at the campus, but the only overnight). She found the students friendly and smart, professors excellent, campus beautiful, blah, blah, blah.</p>

<p>At the admissions office, the prospective students were given a list of activities taking place on campus that evening. After dinner, the hosts were not expected to spend the entire evening with their students, due to studies or other commitments. Some of the activities on the list included fire dancing (a campus club), a “clothing optional” movie, a lecture, a spanish language movie.</p>

<p>My D did not stay with the larger group of prospective students that night. Most were going to see a lecture, and D wanted to watch the spanish language movie being shown instead. So she was on her own. She could not find the place where the movie was being shown. She ended up heading back to the dorm room. A student from the room next door asked her if she wanted to join he and some other kids who were going to study together in another dorm’s lounge. She went along with them and had a very pleasant evening. She was asked if wanted to smoke some pot, which she declined to do. She is actually not sure if the person offering was pulling her leg. Who knows? None of the other students were indulging, so it probably was a joke. D’s roommate arrived back after that and they had fun talking about books. Pretty tame.</p>

<p>Another prospective student there the same night, whose mom I have kept in touch with, had quite a different experience. Her host and friends had “studied up” in advance so that they could enjoy celebrating a birthday that night. They attended the fire dancing club. There was one particular female who was very good at it, had on a ski mask type of head covering, burned it off, as well as her bra!! They use white gas which is not supposed to be HOT unless it’s on you for a considerable length of time. Anyway, her D did swallow fire. They also considered crashing the “clothing optional” movie, where the students were apparently wearing G strings, thongs, etc–not completely nude. Yikes.</p>

<p>I am so disheartened. This school seems like the perfect fit for my daughter, but my husband and I are now really struggling with the thought of paying money for her to be exposed to these sorts of activities. The fact that they are condoned by the administration makes it worse.</p>

<p>Are we naive? Is this the sort of behavior that happens on other campuses?</p>

2

<p>Pretty much for that type of school. There’s always Wheaton.</p>

3

<p>Unless you go to BYU, Bob Jones or the like, these sorts of shenanigans are par for the course. I remember going to a university sponsored porn movie showing back in the 70’s. Pretty risque for that era. If you really want to get discouraged read “I Am Charlotte Simmons” by Tom Wolfe about Dupont/Duke. It may be sensationalistic, but is probably not far off the mark. There was another novel about the sex columnist at Yale “Chloe Does Yale”. Whoa baby. </p>

<p>We all need to believe we raised our kids to do the right thing, because the temptations will be present at just about any college.</p>

4

<p>Um - wow. I must be naive as well. I think my freshman daughter would be very uncomfortable with some of this too.</p>

5

<p>Remember you are getting the story 3rd hand (your friend, her daughter) and you have a first hand account from your D.</p>

<p>If you trust your D (and I hope you do) then I would give more weight to her experience and allow her to make the decision.</p>

<p>I would suggest that your D (if accepted) make another overnight visit to confirm her first (and fourth) impression.</p>

<p>I know it is difficult to let a D grow up and go off into the world with whose knows what temptations and hazards, but frankly even the best of situations might contain that one person that could spoil the mix.</p>

<p>IMHO the most important item is how your D feels about the college.</p>

<p>BYW, that she was open with you about the ‘weed’ offer shoulds me that she is an open and level-headed young lady. I would trust her instincts and judgment. :>)</p>

<p>Good Luck.</p>

6

<p>If your daughter feels that she would be comfortable at the school, she should be fine. As long as she feels she could find like-minded friends & enjoy activities that interest her, what the other students are doing won’t really be an issue for her.</p>

<p>The important thing is for your D to make sure she thinks there is a social scene that fits her. At almost every school, there will be, well, debauchery, I guess. Heck, my friend’s kid got kicked out of Liberty for getting his girlfriend pregnant … so maybe I should say it’s at every school! Anyway, as long as there are activities that your D likes, she will choose THOSE. Trust her to have developed a good value system. She is old enough that what is going on around her isn’t likely to undo all the good you did while raising her.</p>

7

<p>bdmrad-My D thinks I’m being ridiculous to be concerned. I do trust her upbringing and judgement, and do realize that temptations will be present at any college. I was in a sorority at UCLA, after all! I just feel that burning bras off and clothing optional movies might be something the students sneak off and do, not have listed on an activity sheet. I guess it just makes me sad.</p>

8

<p>If your D liked everything else about the college, and knows how to make good choices (she didn’t say “yes” when pot was offered…), you might figure she’ll be able to keep making her way through with integrity to her own values, when she’s actually on the campus and even older/more mature.</p>

<p>Did you ask her what she thought of it? If she’s not upset, then no need for you to be…or to teach her she should be upset.</p>

<p>COllege students do some very strange things, but YOUR college student is the one to look at. </p>

<p>My kids define themselves as much by what they don’t do as what they do.
If nobody’s forcing her to engage, then you’re okay. If it makes you lose faith in the college, maybe it’s too risque for your entire family, but I’d encourage you to let her sensibilities prevail.</p>

<p>More important is the overall tone of the college, courses, and so on. If there’s an evening with 4 EC’s offered and only 2 suited your D (lecture and spanish movie), that is just right because she can only attend one EC anyway. The walk into the room with pot offered never had pot smoked, and that occurred because she got a bit lost, which won’t happen once she’s oriented. </p>

<p>The person who offered a prospective student pot was WAY out of line, and other students would nail him for it later. That is one immature guy who wanted some girl to pay him attention. Keep it in perspective. He was testing or joking or something, but he’s not your kid. Your kid did fine. </p>

<p>You’ll never be able to smooth, untangle or control your kids’ environment completely. I’d say if MOST of what you saw felt right, and she’s not upset with her evening, let her go there if she still loves the school.</p>

<p>It could be that by sanctioning these “clubs” like firedancing, the college can keep closer tabs on it. I agree it was odd judgment to include it on a list for prospective student evenings, but then again, maybe they want you to think this over before you arrive. I know an LAC that always shows the least appealing dorm room on its tour, so when kids get there it’s a better situation than they saw as a visitor. Maybe they want kids to see the range of CHOICES they’ll have. It’s all about the choices, not the entire menu list, I feel. She did well with a lot of decisions to make that evening. Sounds trustworthy.</p>

9

<p>No one is forced to go to a clothing-optional movie, fire-eating fest, or pot smoke-off anywhere. Students who are not comfortable with one or more – probably the majority of students everywhere, except for maybe the pot – simply do other things they enjoy more. </p>

<p>This came across as a positive story to me. There were a lot of things to do on that campus, and your daughter had a good time without feeling more than momentarily uncomfortable when a student seems to have “tested” her a bit. The fire-eating and nearly-nude movie also sound like everyone was having fun and storing up things they could use to shock their parents and friends back home – always a popular college activity.</p>

<p>(I have a niece and nephew who have both been into fire dancing at various points, although not to my knowledge bra-burning-while-wearing-it. Anyway, the dancing can be very, very cool. It’s Chinese, and martial-arts related. The boy got into it first, as one of several athletic outlets after he effectively outgrew high-level gymnastics competition, and he introduced it to his professional-dancer older sister.)</p>

10

<p>I think it’s good for prospective students to get a true sense of the culture of a school. They can decide if fire dancing and minimal-clothing-wearing are cool or just too weird for them.</p>

11

<p>I know someone who was offered pot at an accepted students’ weekend (not an LAC). The person said “no thanks,” the host went off with others to a drinking party, and our friend wound up going bowling with six attractive pre-frosh and freshmen of the opposite gender. Worked out quite well, I would say! Our friend has found others with similar interests and all is going quite well.</p>

<p>It won’t be the last time your D is offered pot or booze in the next four years. She held her own and had the courage to say no. Smart kid. I was an RA in college and knew all too many people who had a hard time saying no to peers. The consequences were not pretty.</p>

<p>My son just started swinging poi. He’s not up to fire yet. I can’t imagine him doing it al fresco, either! ;)</p>

12

<p>I think it is a really good idea for a prospective student to only stay overnight if they’re hosted by a person they already know…you have no idea how the college screens prospective hosts if at all. Yes, they will be thrown in with strangers their first week of freshman year, but that’s a whole lot of naive people together with some structured activity. Some college students, unfortunately, will go out of their way to make the prospective student uncomfortable.</p>

13

<p>For some reason, naked parties are a “thing” – reported at Brown, Yale, Columbia, as well as liberal liberal arts colleges…I don’t remember that from my college days, though there was certainly a lot of drug use then. You have to trust your child to be mature enough to act responsibly. There was a funny article about a Columbia party called The Naked Truth, by Birk Oxholm, which was published in The Current, a Columbia student magazine – you can find it on the Internet.</p>

14

<p>Hey, D is doing fire poi, too, of course she had to light it the first time, pretty cool- I am not telling her about the buring off the bra story, nope, not tellin’</p>

15

<p>I have to agree I think this is par for the course. I’m sure all kinds of things are going on at my son’s LAC (as there were at my LAC back in the late 60’s/early 70’s). I never felt I had to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with and I trust my son to stay inside his comfort zone also. He picked a school that he felt confident would offer lots of alternative types of activities. When I talk about this with my friends, we realize that some of our discomfort comes from remembering some of the things we did ourselves.</p>

16

<p>How soon we forget our pasts… my wife’s school celebrated the fifth of May also know as outdoor intercourse day! hooray hooray it’s outdoor intercourse day!</p>

<p>My school on the other side of the state was know as the free love school for it’s sub college Fairhaven. </p>

<p>Streaking anyone?</p>

<p>Kids for the most part seem pretty tame to me these days. They appear far more responsible than my peers did back in the day…</p>

<p>That’s what probably scares most of us is our kids will experience college like us.</p>

17

<p>My take is that kids are very responsible because for as long as they’ve been hearing about sex, the next words were “HIV, Aids, STD’s.” </p>

<p>So they have heard forever about “making responsible choices.” We only heard “Don’t get pregnant” which is more uni-dimensional.</p>

<p>I think many college kids have what my Dad called “a healthy sense of chicken” and act more wisely. They’ve been trained better to process, pause, and think before they act.</p>

<p>I never heard the term “designated driver” but my kids knew of that idea by age 13 (and implemented the concept when needed).</p>

<p>They live in an internet age where they sift through reams of data and information daily to determine what’s right for them, whether on a term paper or which brand to purchase. They pride themselves on “choosing wisely” all day long, in different arenas. </p>

<p>I find college-bound kids today very individuated, choosy, savvy people. I’ve also observed that once they make decent friends at college, their friends watch out for them (especially at an LAC where they know each other well and cross paths numerous times each day). That’s also different than an overnight visit by a prospective student. Peers don’t just tempt students, they sometime redirect them positively, notice if they are needful of help, and much more.</p>

18

<p>When DS has done overnighters, it’s generally been with people he knows. That’s not always possible, and there are pros and cons to each side. </p>

<p>At one school DS’s proposed host had to be cleared by Admissions before it was OK’d. I will assume that on the extreme end of things, that meant the host was indeed a student and presumably in good standing with no disciplinary issues. However, in reality, it was probably to make sure they could touch base with the host to have him come by Admissions at X time to pick up my son/deliver meal vouchers.</p>

<p>I think there is merit to spending a visit potentially outside of one’s comfort zone – it’s a good way to find if there are others with your interests and how you might handle living with a stranger whose values and life experiences are totally different from yours. </p>

<p>I hear you about designated drivers, P3T – my boyfriend in college used to drink and drive all the time – and I was a happy clam in the passenger seat, thinking he was just being goofy. (I knew him all through high school, too, so there was some basis for judging his behavior.) I had NO idea of how a drunk person behaved. Talk about naive!!!</p>

19

<p>I agree with Opie and P3T</p>

<p>My son’s friends seem to be taking good care of each other. Doesn’t mean they are guaranteed to be safe, but there are no such guarantees anywhere. I’m glad he’s not driving.</p>

20

<p>Opie, I believe that event is the Eighth of May. At least where I went to school… However the most likely event that day was getting dunked in the fountain, not sex in the wheatfields.</p>