<p>Boysx3, your post is an excellent reminder that much as we as concerned (or even obsessed) parents try to find the 100% sure thing positive experience for our kids, every school will have kids who love it and kids who hate it and our kids when visiting will be deeply influenced by minute details.</p>
<p>RM,
my son has always been good at dealing with red tape so he doesn’t seem to have many problems. He is very easy going, but isn’t shy about going directly to the person he needs to solve his problem. </p>
<p>The biggest problem he has faced is that last year his academic advisor left AU in the middle of the year–and he didn’t find out about it until it was time to register for classes! Definitely a boo-boo on the part of AU administration.</p>
<p>He ended up looking at the curriculum guide, talked to some older fraternity brothers, and went to a friend’s advisor at Kogod–after asking around his friends to see who liked their Kogod advisor. I found out about all this after all was said and done.</p>
<p>I guess I will learn more about bureaucracy there when I see how his own major gets instituted. He has had no problem getting meetings with professors in various areas to meet with him and give him ideas. But his major is not a done deal yet and i don’t know how hard or easy his road to achieving it will be. I’ll definitely keep you posted.</p>
<p>I guess learning to deal with redtape and bureaucracy is something we all have to do at some point. But I guess if I had a choice, I would be more inclined to nudge my son towards a school that seems to run pretty smoothly. </p>
<p>Your son sounds very mature and capable. His major sounds very interesting - I hope it works out.</p>
<p>RM makes the important point that some colleges are simply much more efficient than others and easier to deal with, regardless of size or geography. </p>
<p>It sounds almost like a contradiction in terms, but I believe a supportive college environment is good for helping somewhat timid kids become bureaucracy battlers when they do encounter it. I think schools which send a message that individuals matter and students are not taken for granted makes shy kids feel confident that they can challenge something and win because they are right.</p>
<p>Dealing with bureaucracy is never fun.</p>
<p>This particular son has never needed much in the way of handholding. Behind the scenes advice, definitely…but his first sentence was “Me Doot” (me do it). </p>
<p>It is a life skill that is good to learn but I don’t like it being learned at what we pay for tuition!</p>
<p>S has never complained much about about the bureaucracy…he seems to think that as long as he gets his way, it’s not a problem! Maybe because he had to learn to advocate for himself in high school.</p>
<p>Right now he is in the process of negotiating his own major and I get occasional updates from him but he has just been setting up meetings and getting signatures from people he thinks he needs them from. He hopes to have a plan completely in place by the end of this semester.</p>
<p>I guess I just accept the fact that bureacracy exists as a necessary evil.</p>
<p>…wishing you all an easy fast and may you be inscribed (in the Book of Life) for Good.</p>
<p>I just want to share this wonderful article about parenting college students from Wake Forest. This ties right in with what we were just discussing about allowing students to learn to navigate bureaucracy and solve problems on their own. </p>
<p>Over-parenting leads to anxiety</p>
<p>Students gain confidence as they learn to problem-solve successfully</p>
<p>Office of Communications and External Relations
Published September 17, 2010</p>
<p>For parents of today’s college students, child-rearing focused on nurturing their children’s self-worth and removing obstacles that might lead to disappointment or failure. While that may have worked fine before college, Johnne Armentrout, assistant director of the University Counseling Center, says young adults need to learn to steer through turbulent waters on their own.</p>
<p>Tell us about college students today.</p>
<p>Students today have high expectations of themselves, their professors, their classmates, and the opportunities they expect to be available to them. Although these expectations can be motivating, they can also be emotionally difficult. Generally speaking, students entering highly competitive schools experience more anxiety than their college-age parents did 20 or more years ago because the added expectations means added pressures and an increased possibility of failure — something this generation has little experience with.</p>
<p>But every student can’t be the best.</p>
<p>Student maturation is a work in progress. Part of that process is helping students realize that they will make mistakes and recover. Most students of this generation have been given many opportunities for success while being protected from failure. Preserving self-esteem at all costs inadvertently makes kids feel anxious about disappointment, and some college students lack the emotional coping skills to deal with the normal ups and downs of life.</p>
<p>What can parents do to help?</p>
<p>Parents need to keep their children’s struggles in perspective. A parent who over reacts to a situation increases anxiety and stress for their child. Allow young people the privilege of struggle, frustration and failure because they learn much from the process of figuring out how to get through the tough times. Resist the inclination to step in with the answers. Our children’s way of solving a problem may not be our method, but they will benefit from the process and gain confidence in their own abilities. When parents step in, the unintended message to their adult teens is, “you aren’t capable of handling this problem yourself.”</p>
<p>What signs could signal it’s time to get involved?</p>
<p>College students typically have mood swings, but if your child seems depressed every time you talk, it may be time to check in. Call the counseling center if you feel there is genuine cause for concern. Often, what seems to be an unusual development may be very common among college students.</p>
<p>Tips for parents of college students:</p>
<ol>
<li>Let young adults use their own problem-solving skills.</li>
<li>Allow students to make their own choices and, unless the decision will endanger their health or safety, keep quiet when they don’t make the same choice you would.</li>
<li>A student’s choice of major can change frequently and rarely does a given career require one specific major. Allow your child the freedom to choose classes and enjoy academic exploration.</li>
<li>Be a little less present. Avoid using cell phones, e-mail, text messaging and Facebook as ways to constantly check up on your child.</li>
</ol>
<p>I think I need to print this and post it on the fridge!</p>
1 Like
<p>RM: Thanks for sharing the article. It has great advice for parenting our college and high school kids. It is hard to sit back and watch them struggle.</p>
<p>I’d like to wish everyone an easy fast. I just picked up my older daughter at the train station, so I’m looking forward to the weekend.</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing an excellent article. There is a lot of good advice. However, I think it is important to stay in weekly contact with your child away from home. They love care pacages filled with homemade goodies ( great at end of semester exam time), up beat cards and knowing when the next visit is (either home or for parents up to college to visit).</p>
<p>mdcissp - I feel terrible that I never sent my son a care pkg last year! But, when I did mail something - it sat in his mailbox for a long time - he felt he did not have time to go and check his mail! And, since he has adequate funds to buy whatever snacks he wants - it just seemed unnecessary. Then, when he came home from school in May, he did make a comment about the constant care pkgs his roommate rcvd and I felt really bad. But, I still have yet to send one! On my to-do list.</p>
<p>Wishing you all an easy fast. </p>
<p>D called after RH and asked to come home for Yom Kippur - a welcome surprise. All my chicks in the nest, and at services with me tonight :)</p>
<p>Best holiday wishes to all.</p>
<p>For care packages, remember that it is easy to order DVDs and books for delivery to campus. Many colleges allow you to order cookies and cakes, etc online for delivery to the dorm–not as good as MDCISSP’s home made ones, I am sure, but another option.</p>
<p>late KolNidre dinner here…and easy fast to all and L’Shana Tova…</p>
<p>I, for one, will be atoning for my sins this past year by not going on CC until sundown tomorrow night (along with my fasting)!!!..see y’all tomorrow night…</p>
<p>Rockville Mom: I am really sorry I caused any hurt feelings, especially with just finishing Yom Kippur! For the coming year, I suggest finding one or two easy homemade cookies recipes and send them to your son before mid-terms and finals, with an upbeat card inside. Homemade cookies are the most appreciated gift and expresses real caring. In this case, it is worth paying for overnight mail.</p>
<p>did anyone else at temple/break fast yesterday get sick to death of all the people asking where their S/D was going to go to college next year OR giving tons of unsolicited suggestions for schools to look at (none of which met my D’s critieria)? Also my poor D was ready to kill the next person who asked her questions about her college plans!</p>
<p>Hoping everyone had an easy fast and a sweet healthy and happy new year! </p>
<p>Now that the holidays are over, back to school chores are over, routines getting back into line - back to my obsession, college selection!</p>
<p>AU is on our list for a visit. I too have heard about the red tape nightmares. I feel like I don’t want to have that play into our decision if this is the school. If admitted and selected to go, we will navigate from there. </p>
<p>Hofstra and SUNY schools also slotted for visits. But as an OOS student, I am worried about “commuter” and “suitcase” reputations. How do you really know if this is the case. Hofstra? Binghamton? Stoney Brook?</p>
<p>RU is a major concern for me. NJ Schools are all over the place with tuition, size and programs. Not only is RU New Brunswick a high B+ student, I don’t get warm and fuzzys from there. I also think our student does not want to go there. On paper RU has all the things we should be looking for, but when you try to find the same things OOS, example UMCP or Penn State the tuition for almost the same programs is constricting.</p>
<p>Any lovers of RU for our type of student? I need some positive talking points to get my student on board. We need to have some solid safety’s and RU should fit the bill - if we can learn to love it!</p>
<p>Binghamton is definitely not a suitcase/commuter school. Kids from the city and it’s suburbs don’t regularly come home, but will on occassion since it is only 4 hours away. Hofstra has a lot of students commute. Stony Brook has commuters and lots of kids who come home on weekends.</p>
<p>Hope everyone had an easy fast.</p>
<p>S2 at University of Denver split his time at Hillel and Chabad…both are on campus, about a block from one another.</p>
<p>S3 at American University chopped up his observance…he went to Kol Nidre with some friends from GW, attended the Conservative service at AU, and went to Yitzkor and Neilah at the Washington Chavurah so he could break his fast with S1 and his wife. He said he enjoyed the Chavurah the most. So there is one more option for Jewish kids attending school in DC.</p>
<p>Hollie, I think there is a long thread enitled “Just smile and nod…” which I uspect deals with stuff like this. You are midway through the process of people who think nothing of asking you about SAT results, then college plans, then college results. </p>
<p>Many are well-intentioned, but you often see the tells that they are pleased your answers are not “2400”; “More prestigious schools than your child or relative” and “More prestigious school than your rchild or relative with a full merit scholarship and guaranteed live-in wonderful boyfriend/girlfriend”.</p>
<p>Many others have the gall to suggest to you or your daughter that your choices are somehow mistaken. It is one of the best forms of proof that the more affluent the town, the worse the competition gets.</p>
<p>Hollie, my kids went through this too. It was easier the second time around because I warned my son about the questions he might be asked, and we discussed canned responses in advance. I found that the questioning and input from others ends after graduation. The process for the year is over then, the suspense about who got in and where is done with, and people think about summer plans and getting ready for “the drop off” at school. One just needs to get through June! It does get easier!</p>