My DD is going through the college app process, which of course, is bringing on a ton of extra stress. However, she has always been somewhat depressed, difficulty making friends and super hypersensitive.
Her credentials are very very good and we are not extremely pushy parents. She is gifted and a pretty straight arrow.
However, I am perplexed on what environment is best for her. Not really looking for the Colleges that Change Lives, per se, bc limited list.
She has done therapy, DBT and even meds…which help a little.
Very perplexed about what to do. And she seems a bit frozen.
Anyone been there? Thx.
What does she want to do? Stay close to home? Live at home? How are your in state options? That is a good place to start. The super hypersensitive you describe is going to have a problem in any dorm environment, so you might consider that if you can’t address it further.
She is all over the place and not really doing much. We toured many places. Handful of states. We have two technically good in state schools. One is very large. The other is smaller. First choice and although she should get in you just never know. The kids are fairly serious and smart. Imagine this is better than the larger more party state school but at this point, I am perplexed.
She has been educated in small private environments so far.
I understand. I would recommend to look into seven sisters schools plus Swarthmore, Haverford and Oberlin. New college of Florida could be a good option too. There are others, look into these ones (Fiske guide is a good source) and see if any catch your eye, more suggestions will follow.
Thank you!
I also like small schools for her, but only those that have a campus environment which is focused on campus life, so she has the maximum opportunity to meet others and make some friends, over time. So I also like the small LAC like Vassar, the women’s colleges like Smith. But I think you and she perhaps may need to pause a moment, and to think about what’s best for her right now, and if that’s living at home and commuting, then that means she only looks at schools within a certain distance of home - and that’s fine, and could help a lot re: the search process.
If you and she (and her doctors) feel that she can live away from home and do well, then how far from home do you/she want her to be? Is it best if her campus is within, for example, a two hour drive, so you can get there if needed quickly, or so she can get home when she needs time away from school? Evaluating these factors can help you narrow your list of schools, and that may help.
Likewise, if living on campus would be okay for her, does her diagnosed health issues allow her to request a single room - no roommate, if that helps? Or do any offer smaller living environments, if that’s what she’d do best in - suites rather than long halls, for example? You could check into the colleges’ options for housing, and rule out any that can’t give her a living situation that works for her, if that needs to be a priority.
You also may want to check into what types of support each school offers. Although all of them have counselors on campus and etc, the reality is that some schools are better prepared to help their students re: mental health than others. Some do a better job than others re: integrating new students into campus as well. This could also help you rule out schools.
Finally, if you and she feel that it’s best that she take a year off from school, so she can have more time to figure out her next steps, then it is completely acceptable to all college admissions offices for her to take a gap year. It won’t hurt her in the future to have done this. She could spend that time doing something of value - learn to play guitar, work, volunteer, learn something she’s never had time to learn, etc. Take the stress off this entire process for now, let her finish out her senior year, then tackle the college thing.
I agree with others that it sounds to me that a smaller school would be worth considering. I might also be tempted to avoid the ones that claim to be “prestigious” (or pretentious, or highly competitive), and focus on ones that are basically good schools with a supportive environment. This leaves a rather large number of schools as possibilities.
Many students seem to try to go to the highest ranked university that they can get into. To me this is basically the same thing as going to the most stressful and difficult university that they can get into. This would seem to be pretty clearly the wrong approach in this case. Some students do better at a school where they can be in the top 25% without overstressing themselves and without pulling any all-nighters. As I said once on another thread, there is nothing wrong with getting an 85% on the first pre-med biology midterm where the class average was 50%.
Where do you live? What is your budget?
My daughter who is now a college freshman sounds similar. She also has an obvious disability which adds another level of stress for her in a new environment.
We focused on smaller schools and those without an overly competitive academic environment. She felt that her energy would be spent adjusting to being away from home and making friends. She wanted to learn and be engaged academically but not be stressed over school work. She had a few reaches on her list but was focused on schools that were a match for her academically.
The other thing we thought was very important was how the school integrated freshman. We paid a lot of attention to what resources and programs were available to ease her in. Things like small freshman seminars, peer advisors, pre orientation programs were all important factors. Campus culture and friendliness of students was very important as well and can’t be determined with 100% certainty but she did spend time on each campus went to classes, ate lunch with a current student etc. She found those visits helpful. While most of these visits were positive there were some that stood out.
We also read a lot of reviews and CC posts to try to find schools known for a warm, accepting, bin- cut throat environment.
The first month has definitely been a stretch for her so be prepared that even if you find the “perfect” place it’s still a huge adjustment but I do think the time we spent over analyzing each environment was well spent. Best of luck on your search. I hope she finds a place where she is comfortable.
Thank you for your thoughtful and detailed response. After watching another meltdown last night, your last paragraph is in my mind…so long as she is doing something helpful to her and productive. Luckily, what is her first choice is a very good state school not far from home. She should get in but very competitive. The close to home part is good but the intense academics (again) has me worried, too. However, if she needs to take 5 years, ok, too bc affordable. It’s the back-up school that I need. Saving these thoughts as we plan. Doing a tour this weekend to re-test the waters.
Thank you. I agree a stressful academic environment might not be the best for her. Something more well-rounded where she can shine. We are trying to keep it to around $45k or less. Prefer not to pay the $70k+. She qualifies for some merit scholarships but she doesn’t appear interested in those choices. Since we don’t want to ED anywhere (binding) and although she qualifies for HYP but not realistic really, focus right now is on state schools and maybe one private that accepts EA applications.
Thank you. Yes, hard for these students. I recall just rolling into college in a distant state as if I went to bed in my own home. Happy to be away, etc.
I also worry about sorority-heavy schools bc right now her first choice is one of our state schools, so we can’t ED/bind. Most privates are ED, so we are somewhat limited right now…assessing EA options at state schools and the few privates that allow EA.