<p>Well, here it is folks, my Columbia essay. Let me know what you think. </p>
<pre><code> A Foreign Delicacy
As my high school peers and I waited anxiously in the hallway, the strange yet mouthwatering aroma of Nutella, strawberry jam, and cooked flour batter crept underneath the door, stopping packs of hurrying students in their tracks. Be it freshmen, seniors, or anyone in between, no one was safe from the alluring power of the cr
</code></pre>
<p>NIcE!. how did find an idea that suited ur essay topic?</p>
<p>Good essay. You say “Hazelton” spread- Nutella is hazelnut, yes?
You might want to mention where you had crepes in the first place, which would explain why you were so eager to share them with your classmates.</p>
<p>Thanks guys. Yeah, I wanted to write hazelnut but somehow wrote “Hazelton,” the name of a nearby town. Good thing you spotted it, I’ll fix it before I send it out. Gaoez, I chose this topic by writing about a mundane situation that would not only display my writing abilities, but convey my personality as well.</p>
<p>kewl…I think that the transition from “…but also this small victory” to “a month ago, I raised my hand and…” could be made clearer. try changing the beginning of that third paragraph to “a month ago, I [had] raised my hand and…” i dunno just a suggestion.</p>
<p>What did you have to write on?</p>
<p>I agree with the comment made by Gaoez above, and if that one clause is switched to pluperfect (“had raised”), then the whole passage would need to switch to the same tense.</p>
<p>A few more things:</p>
<p>“She turned the frying pan off and smiled as the words “Bonjour classe!” left her mouth” is a little cluttered. I’d recommend simplifying it to: "She turned off the frying pan and smiled as she said “Bounjour classe!”</p>
<p>"Although some might consider it a small accomplishment, Cr</p>
<p>Although some might consider it a small accomplishment, Cr</p>
<p>^I agree on what is said here so far. </p>
<p>To add: Though well written, this essay left me with the impression of just being that. What did I learn about your personality? Honestly, not much. I learned you aren’t always serious, you have a best friend, are somewhat perseverant (but so are the rest of your classmates, so there isn’t much distinction there) and that you somewhat care about your classmates (but again, no distinction). </p>
<p>Let me ask you: what do you want to show about yourself with this essay? What makes you different than any of your other classmates, who also studied with you for those crepes? Why does an adcom have to read this to learn something more about you that isn’t conveyed in teacher or counselor recs?</p>
<p>I think that if you are writing about such a mundane topic you really need to take it above and beyond. This, as it stands, is a simple narrative that almost any other student in your class could have written. If you stick with this topic, you have to make it more about you.</p>
<p>But, on the bright side, you are a good writer, which you can’t really improve upon. </p>
<p>Also, if I were you, I wouldn’t post an essay on CC again. There are a lot of future applicants desperate for ideas and examples of good essays. Plagirizing could become a problem. So, say you have an essay for Columbia, maybe give a sentence description, and PM it to interested people that are not in the HS class of 2010.</p>
<p>You include some nice description, which I’ve read colleges often like. You also seem to have a sound grasp on grammar, structure, and usage, with very good word choice. However, the essay spends about half its words describing students salivating over crepes, and then at the end says that meeting for study sessions “marked a meaningful moment for my classmates and I.” (It should be “my classmates and me,” btw, since you are part of prepositional phrase). How exactly was it significant? Assuming that this does merit a college essay (which I’m pressed to believe), there’s no explanation of how/why it was significant. If I were in college admissions, I would think this was a fluffy essay written by an intelligent student, and I would have no idea how this set you apart.</p>
<p>I absolutely agree with all the comments that are already made. Nicely written, but I seemed to have learned more about Madame Blanc from this essay than about you:) If I were you, I would probably simplify the first two paragraphs into just a few sentences-- just enough to catch the readers’ attention— then go in greater detail about how you YOURSELF were inspired to work harder because of Madame Blanc, or how YOU perhaps urges your classmates to study. Expand on the last two paragraphs. How exactly did you become suddenly confident just before the exam? What was the “hard work” and the challenge?</p>
<p>Maybe mention in the end how your love and respect for your teacher, along with your determination and enthusiam to take on challenges, prompted you to work harder in other areas of your life or how exactly did this experience really affect you. Just let your own personality shine out a little more.</p>
<p>I was also a little confused about this line from the second to last paragraph… you mentioned that "since I had already had cr</p>
<p>Nice writing and good diction, but not knowing what the prompt is, the essay just seems like something I would write for a Creative Writing class.</p>