Coming home for the holidays

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I am frustrated and need a parent’s opinion.</p>

<p>To start, a little about me. I am 23 and fully self-supporting (out of college, have a job) and living on my own in New York City. I recently got a dog that I am fostering and maybe adopting.</p>

<p>To come home for Thanksgiving, I took the train half-way to where my parents live (I live in the city and don’t own a car), and my parents picked me and the dog up there and drove us to their house (which I really appreciate).</p>

<p>My parents have a one-bedroom apartment, so I sleep on the couch in the living room. Now, their issue was with me walking the dog. I wanted to sleep in, so I was going to walk the dog late. They said that they would wake up when I went outside. I suggested we try it for one night (no one is going to work tomorrow), and if they do, I won’t do it any more. It seemed to be settled.</p>

<p>Then, later, my dad went into a long speech about how unsafe it was (we live in a very well-to-do suburb, but it borders a bigger town (not a bad place, though)- I wouldn’t go into that town when I walked the dog), and how I was so stupid to walk the dog so late and how he needs to come with me. Mind you, I live in the City and often walk him very late because of my work hours. The thing is, my parents go to bed at 10 or, if they stay up extremely late, 11, and the dog would still wake me up early, so I said no. Plus, yes, I do feel horrible that they are so overprotective. They still have me call or at least check in every day.</p>

<p>My dad said he could walk the dog early, but, in my opinion, he hasn’t been very nice to the dog (first, being nice and then shooing him and being annoyed with him - just really inconsistent), so I really didn’t want that, so I declined that offer as well. Then, both of my parents got mad at me, and it turned into a huge fight. They said I should reconsider coming next time.</p>

<p>The thing is, I don’t really want to come. Besides the dog thing, they always manage to criticize me about other things (my sleep hours, what I eat (they are both vegetarian and very health-conscious), and my ideas about life and beliefs; they are very intolerant of me having a differeny opinion). The thing is, I know they will forget this and get offended if I don’t come. I don’t know what to do. I can somewhat see their point of view, but do I really need to do everything on their schedule when I am here?</p>

<p>When my mom visits me, she gets up at 5 to exercise (which does wake me up), but she claims she wouldn’t do that if I told her not to (of course, I never would). Just looking for opinions.</p>

<p>They also get mad at me for kissing the dog and letting him lick my face. They keep talking about diseases, and my dad asked me if I was afraid to die (from catching something). I just feel they are really extreme.</p>

<p>I do realize this is very one-sided, and my parents have done a lot to support me financially (through college and apartment deposit, etc.) and otherwise. But that has its own issues, and I won’t even go into that right now.</p>

<p>Sorry for the typos and being kind of disjointed. It’s late, and I am typing on a phone.</p>

2

<p>I bet that the main problem with your parents being irritable and mad at you is that the dog was not on their guest list for the holidays.</p>

<p>As a dog owner, when you visit someone, do you ask them whether it is OK to bring your dog along? Responsible dog owners don’t give ultimatums ("either it’s me and the pup or I’m not coming !) but instead assume that the answer is “no” and make appropriate arrangements for the pet (kennel, pet sitter, staying with a friend, etc.) well ahead of time (unless, of course, the person who invites you says “and please don’t forget Fido - we miss him” :)). Ownership of a pet means that your travel will require advanced planning and sometimes it can be a hassle. Find someone with whom you can trade pet sitting “services”: I’m watching two adorable cats while my friend celebrates Thanksgiving with her BF’s family, and later she will be taking care of my pets.</p>

3

<p>Do you live close enough for a day visit? My parents also had a lot of rules when we used to stay over. My dad had to eat at 7pm, so we all had to. We could never sleep in either. But over time they did mellow out, and now we are too busy to sleep over any more.</p>

4

<p>I fear for your future spouse and kids (just kidding, kind of). Maybe next time get a dog sitter or if you can afford it, have him kenneled. We have pets but never travel with them because it’s upsetting to the pets mainly, let alone the potential host. That being said, the their house, their rules thing is something that still exists to some extent at my parents to this day. It has softened over time but that’s why I tend to prefer hosting holidays at my house so I can make the house rules. Maybe your parents think you are paying too much attention to the dog and not them if they tend to be the jealous type.</p>

<p>You have two issues, one is the dog. The other is your parents and their expectations/ability to separate from you. Develop a thick skin as they sound like the kind of parents who will never be quite happy with your choices. My SO is 42 and his parents still view/treat him like a child. Saying “you might as well not come” is a typical parent manipulation pulled out by extreme and not so extreme parents alike. They don’t mean it. As you said, they tend to be extreme. Holidays are very ripe for dramatic outbursts by families all over the world, you are not unique in that. Hang in there, if it wasn’t the dog, it would probably be something else that they’d be upset with you over.</p>

<p>P.S. Good job typing all of that text on a phone. I hope it was Qwerty keyboard.</p>

5

<p>It doesn’t sound to me like it was the dog. That was just another excuse to criticize the OP. My H has lived with this type of behavior from his parents for 54 years. In fact we have to deal with Thanksgiving drama today. They refuse to acknowledge that he has made a success of his life and he is the only one of his siblings to do so. They constantly find little very unimportant stuff to harass him with.</p>

<p>I have told him many times to put up the emotional wall when he talks to or visits with them. I learned to do it with some people for my own self preservation. But he says he can’t seem to do that. So all the kids and I can do is support him. His parents know they can do this to him, because he will not stand up to them as that would escalate to a big blow up. I don’t say anything because he does not want to lose the relationship with them (believe me, there is no way I could even gently explain how they hurt him - nor would they probably care).</p>

<p>OP - if you can’t get across to them (gently) that you are now an adult and can handle your life and make your own choices, then you will just have to try to put up that emotional wall. Are you an only child? They may be having trouble letting you go. As I said to my H, his situation is like having a dog that wandered away and when he comes back, he gets beaten for being away. Really makes the dog want to come back home, right?</p>

6

<p>Ugh!!! ^^^^ This describes my husband’s relationship with his parents as well. He’s 46 years old, and they pontificate and blather on with their opinions and generally treat him like a child. Good advice about putting those walls up, and yes it’s a tough transition, but what are parents thinking? My sophomore son is home, and I’m thrilled he’s here. I want him to be happy here, and comfortable here, and I want him to WANT to come back, so I’m not going to hassle him about sleeping late.</p>

<p>So unfortunately, you can’t change them, you can’t control their behavior, and you’re probably not going to have a whole lot of luck reasoning with them. I can tell you that you have to stick to your guns, and be detached but honest. Tell them you feel the visit was stressful for everyone, and you’d like that to change before you visit again. I’m a big believer in writing letters. I think sometimes people absorbe the information and the intent and emotion behind it a little better in print. It’s too easy to argue in person, and to become defensive. Maybe you should write them a letter, and say the things you’ve said here, as nicely as possible, but don’t sugarcoat it either. </p>

<p>This is a tough transition for parents to go from feeling responsible for everything to treating you like an adult, but if they don’t make it, then you won’t have much of a relationship. My husband is resentful and angry towards his parents because they don’t treat him like an adult. He sees no reason to call them, and actually gets irritated with me if I suggest we invite them to lunch. He doesn’t want to be around them, because he doesn’t come away feeling happy, and I respect that, but I also know that his parents have no idea why he doesn’t call them or come by. </p>

<p>You can try to communicate your feelings, and if they don’t get it, they don’t get it. At least you tried, and then you can get on with your own life and see them only in ways that don’t make you miserable too. I’m very careful about how much time I spend with my own parents, as they can drag me into their misery very quickly if I’m not cautious.</p>

<p>Good luck, and good for you for fostering that dog!</p>

7

<p>Thank you for your replies. I will reply in more detail later (I still just have the phone).</p>

<p>A lot of what you said really struck a cord with me. Every time I try to talk to them about being treated like an adult, they say I don’t deserve to be because of such and such things that I don’t live up to. Some of the things they say are ridiculous (in my opinion), and some things I do need to work on. The thing is, I do make mistakes, and I am learning as I go, but it just makes me feel really disrespected when they say that. I just want to be responsible for my own choices and not constantly keep worrying of what my parents would think. I end up just not telling them things unless I have to, and that feels bad too. I have tried to talk to them, but they just get defensive or say that I exaggerate. And it backfires, because when I disagree with them they say I do it to prove to them that I am independent. They never even consider that sometimes it’s just more convenient and not about them (like with walking the dog).</p>

<p>I walked the dog last night. They didn’t wake up and forgot about the fight and that issue today and are fine with it now. But, we had another fight today. It’s always something. I do feel like it’s a stressful atmosphere, and I think that I also get really worked up when I am here.</p>

8

<p>My motto: Don’t reward bad behavior. If people behave badly, leave/hang up/walk away. “This doesn’t seem to be going well; I’ll talk to you later. Goodbye.” Don’t engage after that. </p>

<p>Just as your parents had to train you, you now have to train them. You are not required to justify your actions/beliefs/eating habits/etc. to them, so don’t. If you don’t like the way you are being treated, do what you would when with anyone who treats you that way. No need for anger; just be matter-of-fact with any statements and disengage from the conflict. If they get a conflict going, they win, so … don’t engage.</p>

9

<p>The way i see it, it’s that your parents are stuck in their routine and when you come to visit, they’re displaced. I’m 55 now, but I remember living with my mom after college and working in the City when I was your age. I’d come home late, and then went out for a jog. My mom would be so annoyed that I didn’t come home earlier because she fixed dinner for me. Somehow it came down to this: I HAD to eat that stupid baked potato, or I didn’t love her.</p>

<p>Back then, she wasn’t so concerned about the safety issue as we are now, but she couldn’t understand when my interests that didn’t fit into her own schedule. Today, she has come to live with me. She’s still trying to tie me down to a schedule, but at 92 years old, our roles are sometimes reversed. I’m doing the cooking…only I don’t care if she doesn’t eat the potato.</p>

<p>My message to you: forgive them. It’s not worth the arguments. It’s how they live and you’ll just have to tolerate them for a short while until you return to your own nest.</p>

10

<p>Well, yesterday we went to visit H’s parents. At one point H was talking to his mother about some event in history (the man has master’s and doctoral degrees in history and is a professor of history). She disagreed with something he said with “you don’t know what you’re talking about.” <em>sigh</em> I went to find him and give him a hug when he disappeared after that comment.</p>

<p>But we can listen to how she has to deal with his 35 yo deadbeat nephew who now lives with her because he has no job, no driver’s license, a criminal record and no ambition. Yeah, poor guy. H’s other sibling showed up for Thanksgiving dinner and MIL said to me she hadn’t seen or heard from him since before Mother’s Day. But that is ok with her, because that’s just the way that one is. But my H gets yelled at when he calls if he hasn’t called or visited within a month. Yet they NEVER call here unless someone died.</p>

<p>Oh well, as H said this morning, “well we got through the first part of the holiday madness.”</p>

11

<p>If it makes everyone feel better, it sounds like even Tiger Woods had family drama on Thanksgiving preceding the 2 am blow up. It’s universal, I’m afraid.</p>

12

<p>They let you take the dog on the train on the east coast?</p>

13

<p>What is it about family energy at the holidays. My DH’s troublesome parents managed to put a gray cloud on the day even from afar, simply by calling. Why, when they had 10 other people visiting they had to call on “the day” and were grumpy that I could not (would not) come to the phone when I was making gravy and getting dinner on the table I don’t get. They did not have us talk to their visitors, so it was not like any one in my family enjoyed a talk with extended family who was there. Nope, MIL/FIL called and took themselves away from their company and took us away from our company so we could chat on Tgiving and were not happy with US that THEIR timing was bad :wink: Which made me ever so glad I was not there with them!</p>

14

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<p>Eh, for my H it is a an all year round affair, not just reserved for holidays.</p>

15

<p>We didn’t make the trip to the in-laws (FIL is in a nursing home) for T’giving day but DH and I did make the trip out to see them the weekend before T’giving (7 hours there after work on Fri. and 7 hrs. back on Sun.). We had also made that same trip just three weeks earlier. None of DH’s other (3) siblings showed up but two of them had to work and one recently moved to another state.
MIL knows all this but still whined and made DH feel guilty about her being alone on T’giving. </p>

<p>Oh boy, Christmas drama is just around the corner.</p>

16

<p>Note to self: Never whine or complain about the kids visiting, be kind and appreciative of any time spent with them and behave in such a way that they actually want to see me ;)</p>