Coming home from College and dealing with Single Parent.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I am 22 and me and my younger brother live with our single/separated mother. I just graduated from University and will be returning home at the end of August after my internship which is across state with my School. My younger brother will then be going away to school. </p>

<p>My concerns are around my mother who just recently lost both of her parents due to medical complications. She has been for the past few years, since my sophomore year becoming more and more like a child. She seems and acts as life is just too hard and even the easiest of tasks which she used to do like cleaning the bathroom are to hard and are not done anymore. I have come home after a semester of class for Winter break and the bathroom is filthy as if it was never cleaned. When I asked her about it she claims to do it every week, but if I ask my brother he knows very well that she has not cleaned the bathroom. Now I don’t think it is her job to clean the bathroom, but she wont even allow my brother to clean it and when he does she gets mad at him, so he just doesn’t bother. The ceiling of our rented house floor is falling down in a few rooms due to roof leakage and she will not call the landlord. She just claims it is to hard and to much work, so we have collapsed ceilings and peeling paint(yes I know it is dangerous, but she just doesn’t care.)</p>

<p>She is the type of woman who believes in full that she should be taken care of by a man and when by dad left she was fine, until I turned around 19. Then she started to slip. What was once a very sharp and decisive mind, is now that of a child whom seems to always complain that everything is to hard. </p>

<p>She doesn’t make all to much money, but even considering she has made absolutely zero plans for retirement and very little funds and will solely rely on SS. The very few funds she did get when her company was bought out, she really could care less about and I manage them in various investments. </p>

<p>There is more to the story, but Id like to ask your opinion on what I should do in this situation. I am scarred that if I come home, I will be stuck with her for life and my plans for life, whether business, marriage and family will be all but sacraficed. I love my mother deeply and would do anything for her. Though I feel that If I dont come home and my brother leave she will go crazy and if I do go home I will be trapped as she will never want to live alone.</p>

<p>My brother all but ignored her, because of her mentality to life and even thogh he is home at times, she does live in solitude except for work when I am gone.</p>

2

<p>It sounds like your mother is very depressed, which is understandable due to the loss of her parents and separation from her husband. Do whatever you need to do to get her to a doctor. Let the doctor know beforehand what your concerns are. If you need to have an older relative intervene to help get your mom to a doctor, ask for that help. It’s a difficult situation for her and for you and your brother, and I wish you all well.</p>

3

<p>After her parents died she is the oldest in the family now. I have tried to confront her before and she just gets mad tells me nothing is wrong and then if I persist she cries. She is not the type of person who would go see a doctor. Especially a psychiatrist or psychologist.</p>

4

<p>It sounds like she is severely depressed. Problem is, unless SHE is willing to make some changes in her life there is very little you can do.</p>

<p>I think that your assessment of what will happen if you DO return home is accurate. What is less predictable is what will happen if you DON’T move in with her and assume the responsibility of ‘coping’ for her.</p>

<p>My heart goes out to both of you. On one hand this is not a burden you should have to assume.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I’ve also been through some pretty severe depressions and it is a horrible way to live and you really do NOT feel like doing anything and it’s a supreme effort just to get up off the couch. The idea of dealing with ANYTHING is totally overwhelming. </p>

<p>In my own cases my depressions have been very situational, which might well be the case with your mom too. However nothing is going to bring her parents back, so that is a situation which will not change. You say that your mom is ‘single/separated’. What does that mean exactly? Are your parents actually divorced or is that a situation that still needs resolved? I’ve known couples who separate but don’t get the actual divorce paperwork done for years and that can lead to all sorts of issues. For one thing it’s unfinished business that keeps a person ‘stuck’. If it’s a situation where one of the people involved didn’t WANT the relationship to end then for the person left behind, to have the divorce not be finalized can mean…to them…that there’s still ‘hope’ for the relationship (whether all evidence is to the contrary or not.)</p>

<p>In my own depressions, once the situation that was triggering my depression was resolved I was perfectly fine and back to normal, but it sounds to me like your mom’s situation might be a bit more complex than my own episodes of depression.</p>

<p>If you don’t move back in with your mom what do you think will happen to her? Sometimes a person does need to kind of hit ‘bottom’ before they can bounce back up, but walking the line between being supportive of someone who needs to redefine their life and having them be dependent on your ‘support’ can be extremely difficult.</p>

<p>I wish I had some better advice, but other than having your mom see a professional counselor or joining some sort of support group I can’t think of anything that YOU personally can do to help her if she’s not willing to accept help for her underlying issues.</p>

5

<p>Well by single/separated I mean that she is still married to my dad, even though they have been separated for a very long time, since I was 2. As you may have guessed her assessment of the situation is that getting a divorce is just to hard. So the paperwork was never done. </p>

<p>If I don’t move back home, I am afraid she will go crazy and will progress even faster then she is now. I am scarred and pretty much know that if I don’t control her finances and well pretty much pay for everything then she will go onto the street. She just doesn’t want to face responsibility. we live in a small west coast town which is mostly elderly. She actually envy’s the elderly. ive asked her before and she really just wants to be old. She really just wants that lifestyle. It seems all excitement of life is gone. Ive tried everything in my means to get her excited again, but nothing works. She comes home from work and watches TV then goes to bed, then wakes up, goes to work and comes home only to watch tv. </p>

<p>Oh yes one more thing I forgot to mention is that when she is at work, She is fine. Ive been to her job, she is a nurse and when at work and when around normal functioning adults she is like she was 10 years ago. When she comes home she is like a child and her moods set in.</p>

6

<p>Despite her being able to function at work, she seems clinically depressed, and needs to see a doctor and mental health professional about her situation. </p>

<p>I’ve suffered from clinical depression, and people at work had no idea that I was barely functioning at home. After years of therapy, medication is what changed my life.</p>

7

<p>So Should I go home? I kind of have to because it was always in the plans for me to come home and get a job while contributing a small portion of my pay to the household and then paying off my student loans as fast as possible.</p>

8

<p>BirdEye,
Do you have a job back home?
I think your first priority is to yourself; seek a job in your chosen field and start to pay off your debt.
If you job takes you close to home, all the better for your family situation; but if you cannot get a local job, take the offer that is best for your career/future.</p>

9

<p>BirdEye, is there a cultural objection to seeing a psychiatrist? If so, you may want to find someone who is of the same culture who is open to counseling and mental health care to help your mom take that step. (Or you just might want to say, “I’ve made an appointment for you; you have to do this for me, and that’s it!” and then take her. If you’ve already done the work and all she has to do is go along, that may work.)</p>

<p>Getting a divorce is usually not difficult (and I know this because I’m doing it for the SECOND TIME now, oh goodie!) especially after a long-term separation. Your mom may not have the wherewithal to research how to get a divorce, though. Are you in touch with your father? He could certainly initiate divorce proceedings, and depending on where your mom lives, she might not even need to show up in court.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

10

<p>I agree that your first priority is to yourself. She still has a job and seems to function well at work. This gives you time to get yourself organized so that you can be on a decent financial footing and in a position to help your mom. Get yourself a job, a place to live, then you can try to help your mom. Otherwise, you will get sucked into her problems, without the financial means to help her or yourself.</p>

11

<p>It’s actually fairly ‘usual’ for someone who is severely depressed to function well in some settings, such as work. Because the alternative to ‘coping’ at work is to lose your job…and many, many people are able to pull themselves together to accomplish that much. Truthfully their job is probably affected a bit, but really, to the ‘outside world’ someone might look like they’re doing, ‘okay’, but the reality is that, at home, the person is just barely functional.</p>

<p>During my worst depressions I still managed to get my kids to school, to go to their appointments, make it to church, etc. But I cried all the time when I was alone and my house was a wreck. Those who AREN’T able to stay on this side of the line of ‘coping’, however slightly, are the ones who end up in psych wards or, let’s face it, dead.</p>

<p>I think that you might have to make an appointment for your mom and TAKE her. You might explain that you love her, but just aren’t able to do all the things for her that need done. But you’re willing to help her if she helps herself. And in this case it does sound like she needs some professional intevention. You might tell her that you simply cannot move home until she gets some help. She’ll hate hearing it, she may fight you all the way, but I’m sure you’ve heard of ‘tough love’, where no matter how unpleasant it is, you have to buckle down and do what’s best for the person in the long run, no matter how much they dislike the process.</p>

<p>An example is when a parent is trying to help a kid deal with something like drug addiction. The kid will HATE that their ‘usual’ way of doing things is…they have to deal with all new ways of living their life, perhaps changing some of their friends, finding new ways to spend their free time, etc. But if the problem is really severe then it can be a case of change or take the chance on dying. And that’s not being overly dramatic. I recently attended the funeral of a 25 year old who died of a herion overdose.</p>

<p>The alternatives to getting help for depression can be just as severe. </p>

<p>Good luck. It’s a lot for a young adult to be dealing with, but it sounds like she needs far more support than you’re able to give and still have a life of your own.</p>

12

<p>I agree she sounds depressed. Can you get her to go to her regular physician? You could certainly call her regular doc, especially if he/she is also your doc and tell them what is going on. Does she have any close friends that you could confide in?</p>

13

<p>I don’t know if I have anything to offer here, especially anything that has not already been said. A child taking care of a parent is not the way it is supposed to be. To have your own life somehow derailed by this would just compound the misfortune. The line between helping and enabling is a fine one. My sister-in-law has mental problems and while my mother-in-law’s intentions are good what she has really accomplished is to enable the behavior. I agree that your Mother is depressed and there are really good medications to help with that, I know, I speak from experience. Do what you can to get her to seek help, but in the end the only one who can really help your Mother is your Mother.</p>

14

<p>Agree with what has been said here. Also, in all sincerity, I have to wonder if some of the harsh posts you have made in other threads is a way of blowing off steam/frustration with this situation with your mom. It is understandible, but please remember that we here arent the ones to be upset with. </p>

<p>If you cant get your mom to go to a therapist, perhaps it might be a good idea for you to consider going, so that you feel ok with, and not guilty about, the decisions you make. I am a parent in the "“sandwich generation”, caught between caring for my kids and my very depressed and difficult aging father. I understand how you feel, and am challenged by the constant frustration of doing everything and getting no appreciation and little enjoyment from this. But the difference is, I am probably 30 yrs older than you are, and I have autonomy. You dont want to be stuck as a caretaker. </p>

<p>If your mom works in a hospital, they may have EAP services or assistance through their HR dept. You can offer to help her reach out to them, but you can also set limits with what you can and cannot do. Good luck-- and as an aside- lighten up on the parents and other posters here. JMO</p>

15

<p>Hey birdeye, I know how you feel. I been somewhat in same situation last year, and had a huge thread asking for advice from the CC parents last year.
After my dad died, my mom depended on me a lot. She is not even working like your mom. I am her only kid and she has no living relatives. When it was time for me to leave for college, she threatened me that I will find her rotting and dead if I leave her alone and go off to college. She started making up all sort of illness that the doctor could not confirm.
I could not have left for college if not for the moral support from all the CC parents.
I went through my freshman year, and did not return home for a year because I did not have the money. She kept calling me in college saying she thinks her heart is giving problems, she fainted, etc. Naturally I got really worried. I came home for the summer, had to give up a research offer from my proffesor, because she insisted she was too sick, and needed me all 3 months, not only in August as I orginally planned.
Well, when I returned, I noticed she is in perfectly good health. She even goes out more during my time away in college, and actually has become more independent. She has made friends who drop in to see her and take her out to do grocery shopping, get medication, pay bills, and even to eat out, etc.
I was angry with all the sick stories she told me, but I also realized she can function pretty well without me, even much better. She learnt life skills pretty late, but yes she has done it. I am not going to be obssesed over all her “illness” this term.
Our moms may be different in certain aspects like the fact that my mom has a tendency to lie about her health to guilt me.
But, here is the deal. You could learn from my situation in that nothing bad is going to happen to your mom just because you want to find your own life. You shouldn’t sacrifice your life for her.
Does she have any friends ? Encourage them to talk and make an intervention. My mom finally gave in to let me go off to college when I asked her friends to advice her. Also, encourage her to have a social life you know.
If you keep sacrificing everything for her, one day you might end up being alone without a future and it will too late to do anything.
Yeah, and I am really glad I ended up on CC. Everyday was a emotional struggle with mom’s constant blackmailing. If I had not turned here for support, who knows what will happened to me.
I hope I helped you a bit. I am not an eloquent person but hope the gist of my post had sth useful for you.</p>

16

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<p>Not if you have a choice. I would do what you need to do to strike out on your own and have a full life that does not deal with your mom’s problems daily.</p>

<p>This is not to say that you should not do everything you can to encourage your mom to get help and to look out for your brother. But as others have said, nothing will change until she chooses to get help. To let your life be impacted by this would be a huge mistake.</p>

17

<p>Birdeye-
Why doesnt your sister help out?</p>

18

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<p>Birdeye, according to another post on another thread, you have been an engineer for “about four years”. If that is true (I’m not sure how it can be if you are 22 years old), then what happened to THAT job? Do you no longer have it?</p>